Does Anyone Have Any Advice?

[Guest Avery F]

Hey all,

I'm having a bit of an anxiety attack at the moment. My maternal grandmother has come to visit, and I was planning to come out to her, or at least tell her about my name change, this afternoon. Today is pretty much the only day this year I'll be alone with her long enough to do so. Unfortunately, she asked us (my mum, my sister, and me) to help her put some old photos she brought with her in albums - so what have we spent the past hour or so doing? Looking through a boatload of photographs of my sister and me as young kids. With me in dresses half the time. And all the while my grandmother is going on about how we were such cute little girls. Plus, a number of photos contained the now-deceased (female) relative who is my middle-namesake.

The timing could not possibly be worse.

As I said, I'm sort of freaking out now. I can put off telling my grandmother about the trans thing (I wasn't even positive I was going to bring that up with her today, I was going to try and scope her out first) but I HAVE to tell her about the name change. WHAT SHOULD I DO?!?!

Thanks in advance for reading,

Avery

[JJ]

Avery you know your grandmother best so this is something only you can decide but it could also be used as an opening and an opportunity,

You could reference the photos to bring up how you never felt like the little girl in theose photos. That inside something else was going on. That you would like to honor your deceased relative and name sake but you have an obligation to be true to yourself in order to have a good life and find any peace or happiness.

I find when I look in the eyes of my old pics I see behind the smile the pain and trouble. Maybe that shows in some of your pics too.

Whatever you decide I wish you all the best!

Hugs

Johnny

[Guest Alexandra89]

John's advice for telling her is pretty good if you feel that she'd take it well. I'm no expert at dealing with family members, so there's nothing I could add to that part of it.

If the photos themselves are freaking you out a little, I can totally relate. I've taken to dissociating myself from the person in old pictures. He was a fictional character invented to earn the very conditional love of my parents. I'm not him, and I never was. It may not be the healthiest way to cope, but it's how I get by.

[Guest Avery F]

Thanks very much for the advice; I really appreciate it. Johnny, I know exactly what you mean about old pictures; while in many of the pictures I looked like a normal, happy four-year-old girl, in basically all of the pictures in which I was in a dress I looked rather ticked off. Alexandra, yeah, I get your meaning. Frankly, I don't think I could identify with the kid in the pictures if I tried. I look so different now.

I just did tell my grandmother about the name change, and she seemed quite alright with it. I didn't mention being transgendered, but I did bring up the topic by telling her about some essays I wrote for school which involved LGBT topics. Her view on the subject of transpeople was BIZARRE. She had heard the term before, which I hadn't expected, but furthermore she was actually somewhat acquainted with trans-related research. Apparently she'd read about how hormone washes can cause as-yet unborn kids to feel that they have a different gender than their physical sex. While her knowledge in the area was unexpected, that wasn't the odd bit; the odd bit was that she believed transfolks shouldn't transition right now, because research into the subject seems to be going along so well. According to her, transfolks ought to wait until more research has been done, in case (her words) "there's just a switch they can flip in their brains to make them feel comfortable in their bodies". I've never met anyone with this viewpoint before; she certainly didn't seem hostile to transfolks, but I don't think she really understood the concept either, as if she did she'd understand that 'making a transperson feel comfortable in their body' would basically make them a different person... The conversation moved along too quickly for me to dispute her point without basically coming out then and there, which I didn't want to do on account of being too surprised by her weird views, so I'm going to see if I can bring it up again later without seeming suspicious.

Nerve-wracking experience, anyway. Thanks again for the advice and support

Avery

[JJ]

Avery I you got the name thing out the way and it was okay. The whole trans conversation does sound a little bizarre. But as you said not unfriendly. Almost as if she has suspicions or has heard something somehow.

I suppose with a little reading and no one to set them straight the ideas make a kind of sense. When you finally disclose it might help to have the latest scientific evidence-like the fact that there are four distinct brain structures involved that we know about so far. Nothing is going to make it possible to restructure a brain. Not in the foreseeable future. Nor would most of us opt for it I'm sure.

Sounds like you have some groundwork anyway

Johnny

[Guest Alexandra89]

Call it the "kill switch" when you dispute her. Get that frame aligned quickly .

At least you know you can breach the subject without bringing up the usual (if insane) negative reactions, like disgust, apoplexy, or religion.

[Guest Avery F]

Thanks, folks

Yes, I think I'll have to explain more clearly about the whole brain restructuring thing. It's just a matter of finding a time I can do that without seeming overly interested in the topic.

Oh, and Alexandra - 'kill switch' is a brilliant way to refer to it