Hysto And Meta

[Guest Martin]

For years I thought all I needed was top surgery and testosterone. I had known that I wanted those things since I was a wee little thing. I was extremely dysphoric about my voice and chest. As an added bonus (but not one of the main reasons I went through these), my parents paid.

Yet these past few weeks, I've been obsessed about getting a hysto and a meta. The hysto might make me appear more masculine and would safeguard me from cancers I refuse to be checked for. It is also allow me to change my legal sex in Germany and is a necessary precursor to the meta. And the meta? it would give me a a "real" penis! I would have testicles, would be able to pee standing without wondering if the device will leak, would appear unambiguously male should the worst happen, and might, just MIGHT have a positive relationship with my genitals for the first time in my life.

But what if that last part doesn't happen? What if there's a complication - nerve damage, excessive scarring, decreased size, etc.? What if I still feel shame about my small size? What if the problems are largely from sexual trauma? Yet what if living with the wrong genitals is its own trauma? What if I still can't orgasm?

Will I ever be comfortable in male changing rooms? Could I ever go to a clothing-optional place? (I'm very self-conscious and probably won't - but is it at least an option?) Will I get that bulge? Will I find a partner who can accept me?

Is this worth spending all my money on and still going 10-20 thousand dollars into dept for? Is it worth the long, triggering recovery time?

I'm angry that I have to make this decision, especially since I have to do this with relatively few pictures to go off of and no numbers. I'm angry knowing that if I decide to pursue this route, many people - including many transmen - will disparage my genitals. I'm angry that I can never have the amazing organ cisgendered men do. But more than anger, I feel a deep sadness.

I feel confused and sure at the same time.

[Guest Sergei]

I understand how you are feeling. It's only since I have gone full time and started hormones that it has really started bothering me about down there. I guess once you get over the first hurdles then it is just natural that you then become more concerned about the things that seemed like your last worry before.

For me it would definitely be the phallo, and not the meta if I went for the bottom surgery. But just because size and urination standing concerns me more than sexual activity. Although I would still like to be able to orgasim even if I was unable to penatrate any partener I may have in the future.

I guess however upsetting it is though, you just have to realise that nobody is perfect in life. Some people have no arms, or no legs. Nobody can have everything. I guess we should just feel lucky and try to accept the best we can what we have.

I think I'm going to wait a few years first before I make my final decision about what I want to do. Medicine can come a very long way in a very short time. I guess we have to keep our fingers crossed. x

[Guest Martin]

Thanks for your reply. It helps to know that I'm not all alone in this.

[Guest My_Genesis]

I'm angry that I can never have the amazing organ cisgendered men do. But more than anger, I feel a deep sadness.

dude so am I. they seriously have to put more time into giving us everything cisgendered men have (they referring to researchers, medical professionals, etc.) This annoys and angers me beyond belief, every minute of my life from the time I was about 2 years old. When I was 8 I was seconds away from one of my friends castrating himself for me...since then I've always felt guilty that at that moment when I thought it was actually going to happen, I was happy

I'm being optimistic and giving it no more than another decade until we get everything cisgendered men have..hopefully that's a reasonable enough amount of time, especially since I'm intending to help them out a little in college..

At least you're considering bottom surgeries..I still find myself unable to consider something when I'm not sure whether it will make me happy..I'm having a lot of trouble with the fact that my only current options are to stick with what i have or ultimately get one of these surgeries that isn't the "real thing".