Effect Of T On Mtf Mind?

[Guest Riana]

I've often read about the beneficial effects HRT has on the mind, but I'm not quite sure what effects are typical of testosterone on MtF transgendered people's minds. I realise it's hard to describe for most of us because it's often a long time ago, but I wonder if anyone remembers clearly what it was like, and how you coped with the effects, especially if you didn't know you were trans at the time.

I don't really remember much of it myself, but I do seem to have become more irritable and generally felt somewhat more insecure after the start of puberty. I wasn't consciously aware of it but now that I think back I realise how much better I felt as a child. I often wonder if that's the reason why I always felt such anxiety about growing up, maybe subconsciously my mind was telling me I was growing up in the wrong direction, because 'everything used to be better'?

[Guest Melanie54]

I am not yet on HRT so maybe I can help. It is like I feel and see through a haze? At the same time I only feel the shadow of what I should feel?

Some emotions feel correct while others feel... off.

Romance and sexual feelings could be best described as backwards.

Even when not particularly depressed everything is dull and gray.

It is all very hard to describe. I will think on it some more and try and post more later.

Hope I helped,

Melanie

[Guest Riana]

I'm not on HRT yet either, so it's hard for me to understand what I'm feeling. I'm so used to it I don't know what the alternative feels like. That's why I'm wondering what others have noticed, especially when they started HRT and got to experience the other way...

But it does explain some things yes. Is it a feeling like no matter what you do there is always something wrong? I remember being on a wonderful holiday and still having a feeling that there is something missing... like it's just not 'right' as it should be. It made me kind of restless eventually, like no matter what I did things just couldn't 'fit'. But I always just thought I was being a perfectionist...

[Guest Alexandra89]

I know there's controversy over the mental effects of hormone therapy. It's difficult to study, especially since it coincides with a feeling of liberation and the prospect of moving forward with transition - both of which make it vulnerable to the placebo effect.

I remember constantly being angry, even if in a happy situation like a party or a visit from an old friend. My emotional reactions to the outside world were just a veneer stretched over perpetual seething and hopelessness. Every emotion but anger and sadness was kind of a non-event, like a sound I was hearing but couldn't place until I thought about it for a while.

Whatever the exact reason, I've noticed that my emotions are much more clear and intense after starting hormones (including anger and sadness when they happen, but they happen less often). The kind of dull, bitter fog that constantly surrounds me is a lot less thick, too. Emotional expression comes easier, and in some cases is actually difficult to repress. Crying and laughter are noticeably harder to control, and I even smile without having to make it a mental exercise sometimes.

Getting those pills intersected with feelings of hope and progress, though, so I just tell people transition has changed me this way to be safe in my assumptions.

[Guest Julie T]

I've often read about the beneficial effects HRT has on the mind, but I'm not quite sure what effects are typical of testosterone on MtF transgendered people's minds. I realise it's hard to describe for most of us because it's often a long time ago, but I wonder if anyone remembers clearly what it was like, and how you coped with the effects, especially if you didn't know you were trans at the time.

I don't really remember much of it myself, but I do seem to have become more irritable and generally felt somewhat more insecure after the start of puberty. I wasn't consciously aware of it but now that I think back I realise how much better I felt as a child. I often wonder if that's the reason why I always felt such anxiety about growing up, maybe subconsciously my mind was telling me I was growing up in the wrong direction, because 'everything used to be better'?

Riana

This is a good question and I don't recall it actually being asked exactly like that on Laura's Playground the two and a half years I have been here. It is 50 years since I went through male puberty, which I hated with a passion both when it started and from then on, by the way. So I don't recall the exact changes. Testosterone somehow made me a member of the men's club. Suddenly grown males would include me in the activities, even if they did treat me as a newbie. I saw my sisters accepted into the woman's club at their estrogen induced puberty, and it made me so very sad that I had had to go one direction, when I so wanted to go the other. So maybe there is just as much a socialization factor that kicks in with the body changes that others see, as there is a rewiring of the brain, like you write about.

But I took testosterone when I was age 54. It made me antsy, aggressive and very hostile. It did not improve sexual performance, like my wife wanted to happen. I think it was like pouring vinegar into the cooking oil, it ruined the recipe. So I see the point you were making. Maybe for we MTF, it is one of the reasons we get so unhappy after pubery. Testosterone just isn't good for our female brain.

Julie

[Guest MissSiul]

Im not on HRT.I feel much more insecure,irritated,I have the constant feeling of not being in the right place,feeling that no matter how happy a moment is,something is still missing.Very depressed,more shy than before.

I hope that I got the topic^^

[Guest Ray_S]

This is interesting, I wonder if it is testosterone that has made my life a nightmare since the start of puberty. I seemed to lose the ability to enjoy things around 5th or 6th grade for seemingly no reason and never really been happy since. Shortly after that I developed an anxiety disorder and depression - both undiagnosed thanks to everyone in my life being indifferent towards me. Of course going to a new school at that time and being a target for bullying didn't help me either.

If my brain is female, or at least more female than male, it seems to make sense that introducing a hormone it wouldn't normally use would result in something bad.

Over the last year I've been running out of patience with my life and have turned to alcohol to make the days go faster. I've noticed that the day after binge drinking I don't feel depressed even though alcohol is a depressant. I read that it lowers testosterone so that could be why. I can't wait until I get the approval for HRT, about 2 1/2 months from now. I'm looking forward to see what kind of mental effects will occur - I might actually be happy again after 20 years.

[Guest Leah1026]

I've often read about the beneficial effects HRT has on the mind, but I'm not quite sure what effects are typical of testosterone on MtF transgendered people's minds. I realise it's hard to describe for most of us because it's often a long time ago, but I wonder if anyone remembers clearly what it was like, and how you coped with the effects, especially if you didn't know you were trans at the time.

All I will say is:

The "noise" in my head stopped once I was on estrogen. Seemingly overnight I felt much better. I want to caution everyone that their results may be different, but that was mine. How did I cope? I didn't really, I just kept moving forward as best I could. My music collection was a refuge at times.