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Fear


Guest Risu

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So Wednesday of last week I was finally able to get my doctor to call my HRT prescription in to the pharmacy I wanted to use. For the next 3 months I am set but my feelings about it aren't as happy as I thought they'd be. It's really more ambivalent. So I am wondering if anyone else has had any similar feelings when they were just starting HRT.

Now before you say it, my therapist is not a gender specialist so I dunno how helpful she will be with this, but we will be talking about it you can bet. At present I do not have insurance and the only Gender specialist in my area charges $230 per session for those without insurance. I love how people who help the TS/TG/CD community charge an arm and a leg and a few internal organs for services that save lives... but thats another rant.

So... many of you may or may not know/remember that in 2006 I had transitioned a "first time". Back then I was literally in a do or die place. I wasn't scared of losing family, friends, job, housing, or anything. I had to transition or I was going to kill myself so when I first started HRT my biggest worry was a lack of "results". In 2007 I had to detransition. My great grandfather had become unable to take care of himself and since I was currently homeless and without a job anyway my family employed me to help cover the night shift taking care of him and I had to detransition to do it.

For the next few years until the present I have been thinking about it A LOT. Pretty much all the time. Could I continue to live without transition? I was able to accept myself and my body for who I am and who I am not, and for a time I was "comfortable" living in a male body again, but in February of 2011 I finally decided to take the steps towards transition again. I was living "comfortably". I had my own business and "normalcy" in my life but I wasn't happy. I didn't feel inspired to try to do anything and achieve anything, or go out and be social because even though I can live with my body, I'm not happy with it. All of my hopes and dreams, anything I had ever aspired to being in my dreams was as a woman not a man. It has always been that way my whole life and so I got started with therapy and electrolysis, and now FINALLY, HRT again.

This time around my feelings about taking HRT are very mixed. I am happy I guess. I am finally taking all the steps to become myself again. But this time I am scared. I know my family tolerates me being Trans. They may not like it but they continue to show me unconditional love regardless. As happy as I am to finally be becoming myself I am also afraid... afraid of the ramifications being transsexual can have on my life. When my GP asked me why I wanted to change my drivers liscense back to male from female in 2007 I told him because I was living as a male and I needed it for work, and because it was safe, it was normal and I could deal with it. Unfortunately I couldn't deal with it, so now I put myself back in the position of becoming homeless and jobless, etc. I know my grandmother who raised me would allow me to live with her until she died if I wanted to, and her house is willed to me as well. However I live in a small town that is conservatively religious. I own my own business here and I work with the public... I don't think I can continue to work here and be transsexual for many reasons, one being the political/religious ethics of my town and the other being my coworkers. As best I can tell they are biggots who don't care for gays and definitely won't like me being trans if that is the case. I don't want to hurt my business as it has become the family business (my grandmother helped me open it) and my family may need it to support themselves after I transition and go full time. I don't want to alienate my coworkers since someone will have to work there after I leave.

Which brings me to my other fears. It is obvious in the very least I will have to travel for work. Ultimately my plans are to move out on my own. I have friends up in Seattle Washington who keep pestering me to move there as, from their non trans perspective it seems to be trans friendly. But what if I move and I can't find work or housing? And then as I mentioned above there is the safety issue. My intent is to pass well and more or less go semi-stealth and lead a "normal" quiet life as a woman, the same as I have been living as a man, but what if I don't pass well enough for that? My ultimately biggest fear is of being "A man in a dress".

Basically I guess what I am worried about is what will become of my comfort, and quality of life once I go full time. I am afraid I may wind up living in my car again and I really don't want to do that, or be a burden on my family.

I know these are the right steps to take towards being happy with myself... but I am afraid of ruining my life.

So... that's my HRT story... anyone else have any transition related fears?

I know I am probably making a mountain out of a molehill as the worst case scenario doesn't happen to everyone, but knowing my luck it will happen to me. Not trying to be pessimistic here, just speaking from experience. So another question is... is the risk worth it? Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I could become infinitely more happy and my life could actually improve once my gender dysphoria related stresses are relieved.

It's hard to say but... it would be nice to know others shared similar feelings, and how they dealt with them.

~Risu.

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Guest Emily Ray

Risu,

Now that you have your hormones I would drop that therapist like a hot rock!!! $230.00 is robery and he or she should be brought before the ethics committe for doing that to you. I lived in San Diego one of the most expensive places in the country and my therapist with 8 years of experience as a GT charged less than $150.00. In all cases except yours Doctors charge less for cash patients because their is less work involved with getting paid. If he or she was to try and charge that much to an insurance company they would pay her a lot less than what you are paying her or him.

I didn't feel the way you do, but with all that you have going on I can understand why you do. Sometimes we need to take a leap of faith and that is just what transition is about. Whether you move or stay, transition or not your future is never guarenteed. It is all about risk and reward.

Huggs

Emily

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Guest Julie T

Risu

Hon, that is a complicated post. I can give a few personal answers, but they are just that, personal, okay?

So... that's my HRT story... anyone else have any transition related fears?

I am terrified I will die of old age before I can complete my journey. As I accomplish each step, my fears ease a bit. But I am now age 64? I cannot afford SRS and I can't seem to find enough money just to live modestly, much less to have surgery. It's getting to be really strange for me now, when people I know who started much later than I, do get their surgery.

So another question is... is the risk worth it?

Yes. The answer is yes. I live as myself now and lost so very much, but the answer is yes, yes, yes.

Julie

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Guest Krisina

No no Emily her therapist is NOT a gender therapist. The only gender therapist that is in her area charges $230 per session. Maybe if Risu checked with thay GT office and let them know that she is not on insurance but paying cash there would be a lower price. But that GT price I agree sounds expensive as heel.

I'm dealing with fears, I'm not suicidal but I just wish people would accept me no matter how I presented. I present well, I'm well dressed, I'm not a slob and I wish our laws in Canada would be on the books to protect transgender folks from discrimination and in particular to keep my job. I have a mortgage that needs to be paid. I work with men. I have to wear a wig when I am out (no option to grow out my hair). I don't know what the future will be. I know I am mixed up inside and if I was born with a female body I wouldn't have these problems. I feel like any relationships in the future I would be treated like less than a woman but some sort of freak. I dress in my female clothing and I feel the same on the inside. People see me female. Some male friends came out to (were friends) couldn't handle it. Relationships would change. Hormones would make my job which involves some heavy lifting harder. I love what hormones would do though and the mental part of inner calm too.

Krisina

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  • Admin

But what if I move and I can't find work or housing? And then as I mentioned above there is the safety issue. My intent is to pass well and more or less go semi-stealth and lead a "normal" quiet life as a woman, the same as I have been living as a man, but what if I don't pass well enough for that? My ultimately biggest fear is of being "A man in a dress".

Basically I guess what I am worried about is what will become of my comfort, and quality of life once I go full time. I am afraid I may wind up living in my car again and I really don't want to do that, or be a burden on my family.

I know these are the right steps to take towards being happy with myself... but I am afraid of ruining my life.

~Risu.

Risu, you have had a long journey to get to this place in your life. I can't promise that it will get any easier. Nor can I promise that everything will work out perfectly and you'll live a happy and carefree life as a woman.

But think about this; how many people, trans or genetic, either gender, have any guarantees, how many are happy, how many live lives free of worry or problems? Transitioning won't make your life better necessarily, but neither is it guaranteed to make it worse. "What if you don't pass well enough?" What is well enough, Risu? You;ve seen my pics, I'm a middle aged woman with at best a passable face. I don't have a nice body. My lone saving grace is that I'm small. I probably pass 20 percent of the time. But you know what? I've never been challenged, never been harassed, never been openly questioned, never been in fear. I live my life the way I want, and I am reasonably happy. If you can accept being reasonably happy, then you'll probably be all right.

Live the life you want, or you will always regret it. Don't make decisions based on the expectations of others, make them because you feel they are right for you. Let those around you live their lives, you live yours. Be the person you want to be, for the right reasons. Only then will you be happy.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

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Guest Lauren37

Wow, I'm relatively speaking, a deer in headlights at the moment and just starting my transition (about a month away from HRT) but your post touched me and resonated. I wish I could give you a hug..

I've only recently confronted my own issues so I'm not in the position to impart much wisdom unlike others, but I would like to state a couple of things:

In terms of fears, I share some of yours although I have young children and I have to tell you my biggest fear is the negative impact on their life of my transition. But for me, while I'm still very scared, I've accepted the truth about myself and realized I don't truly have a choice about who I am and at the risk of sounding trite, its more important for me to accept myself than it is to be accepted by strangers so if I don't for some reason pass (and inevitably I will get read sometimes) so be it.

I live in Southern MS and there aren't exactly a lot of GT around here either. But what I did was to seek someone out in CA and use skype when I'm not there. It

has worked great for me and I really haven't lost much from the in-person sessions but I don't think this is for everyone and I think it would be different if I needed to rely on my GT for a lot more emotional support versus just advice and guidance. There is otherwise no way I think I would have found such a great and knowledgable GT where I live. 230 is a little ridiculous..

But take care and just be kind to yourself as you deserve it.

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