Coming Out To Kids (Younger)

[Guest Lauren37]

Hi,

I have some questions about strategies on coming out to your children.

I'm 37, a MTF in very early stages of transition (just about to start HRT) and have 3 kids, a 9 year old boy and two girls 6 and 2. My

wife is completely supportive of my transition and we plan to stay together through the journey. We're very Liberal but live in a very

conservative area of Mississippi.

I don't plan to actually come out to my kids for probably at least 12 months after HRT which is around the time I envisage I might go

full-time (not writing anything in stone but just roughly planning). What I want to do is of course find the best strategy to come out to

them so that they are both best-equipped to deal with it and hopefully soften the blow as much as possible. I love my kids dearly and I'm far more fearful of hurting them than any other possible negative effects of my transition. But the truth is that while I feel my

transition is selfish in some respects, its also something that I feel I have no real choice over and the consequences of inaction would

be far worse both to myself and my family.

So far, my wife and I have tactfully educated my two older kids on transsexuals and the reaction from my 9 year old was initially one

of incredulity that 'Scientists can really do that?' to its 'A little bit gross'. My six year old is less judgemental and just finds the

concept a little bit funny. My wife also took it a little further and asked both of them what they would do if she became a man and this

upset my 6 year old who 'didn't want two daddys' while my 9 year old 'found it a little gross' and wanted to change the subject. Both said they'd love 'her' no matter what.

Both my older kids are quite smart and 'sharp' so we've had to step back from the topic recently to avoid getting them too suspicious. I did for example say to my daughter 'Would you love me no matter what' and she immediately said 'Yes but why did you ask that, are you going to change into a woman?' and I headed it off with 'I don't think so' which I didn't like doing as I try not to lie to my kids.

Clearly my kids are a topic with my GT and she will help me with how to come out to them and when so I know that 'talk to your GT' is the thing to do. But having explained my situation with my kids, I'm wondering if anyone has been through a similar situation and what kind of strategy they adopted or what kind of advice you have to offer that I could talk over with my GT (and my wife)?

Sorry for the long post!

[Guest sleeping chrysalid]

Just my opinion, but I would think kids would be very receptive. My brothers are doing much better than my parents. Younger ones seem to have an easier time.

And your not being selfish. Protecting people by depriving yourself and making yourself miserable would be unrealistic. You deserve the same happiness as everyone else.

[Carolyn Marie]

Lauren, my experience is not directly applicable, because my son was 17 when I told him. IMO, pre-teens are probably easier to come out to, and more accepting, than young teens are. Kids 12-15 seem not to take well to change and are not quite old enough to understand everything. So its probably better, in my view, to tell your kids in the next year or so, as you have planned.

BTW, my son was and continues to be extremely supportive. We were close before, and we are closer now.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest EvenClose]

I have a 4yr old little girl and my little boy will be here mid September...My 4 yr old I didn't have to "Come Out" to. She knew I was a girl. Only problem with that is that kids don't grasp certain concepts well at this age. Such as screaming "DAD" in the middle of a store when you en-femme. The also are so use to you being -male name- or dad that until they have the concept of public and private down, you just gotta grin and bear it. I think if your children are younger and comfortable because they see you as happier and more relaxed and such, then they don't care so much about how you look. And in all honesty they really don't have to accept you as girl/guy/trans/mom/dad etc.etc. They just have to accept you as you. Even that they may or may not accept.

I think loving them is the most important thing. They just want a parent. A parent that loves unconditionally, is always there, provides advice, kind words, appreciation. Those kinds of things will be what makes or breaks any relationship. Just keep on caring about them and relax. Let them know they gotta use the right words and leave it up to them to fill in the blanks.

If you ever need some advice or just someone to listen, just pm me anytime. Kids can take a toil on ya if you let it.

Miranda <3

[Guest Lauren37]

Thankyou all..

I guess I will just continue to work with my GT and otherwise 'play it by ear'. I don't think my children will 'hate' me but I just want to do everything I can to soften the blow for them and impact their lives negatively as little as possible.

Lauren

[Guest Sally G.]

Hi Lauren,

I am in a similar position to you. I have just started HRT, three weeks ago and only anti-androgens so far, and also have children, a boy 8 and a girl 7.

Unfortunately my partner and I have recently separated due to my coming out to her as trans.

However I face the same issue of how and when to come out to my children and have discussed this with my GT. Ze has basically said that the kids will cope as long as the coming out is done with honesty. Like you I have rough plans on formally coming out to them around the time I go full-time, probably at least 12 months away.

Unlike you I have not discussed transsexuality with them at all but have decided to introduce some feminine things into my presentation. For instance I am growing my hair out and occassionally wear a hair band to keep my hair out of my eyes. When my daughter asked why I was wearing a hairband I simply said 'to keep my hair out of my eyes' which was accepted as a valid reason by her. I have also bought a pair of womens slippers (pale blue and purple) and a knee-length oatmeal cardigan which I have started to wear when they come to stay.

In this way I hope to gradually introduce them to the idea of me changing gender roles rather than making a radical change over a very brief span of time.

Aroha

Sally G.