Complicated Me

[Guest littlejenna]

Well my birth name is Michael and well ever since I could hear, walk, and remember the same phrase kept repeating itself out of my mothers mouth. I wish you where the girl you where supposed to be. Then my sister was born and she was the favored one not only because she was a girl but because she was also the baby. From then on my brothers did not really participate in my life all that much. They where 16-18 and had jobs and I was like 5 and even since then I knew something wasn't right about me. One day my sister dared me to put on her cloths and I did it and it felt amazing and I loved it. Then I grew up and all my friends where girls. I had very few male friends. I always have been that way. Because I related to girls better then boys many of the school kids picked on me. They called me gay and I was a simple 2nd grader. Well teachers saw my grades fluctuate and they put me in a learning disability group and my school councilor would talk to me. I told her what the kids did to me and then after I finished the final thing I said to her that day was "my life sucks I wish I would die." coming from a second grade boy she told me not to say that and so I didn't. Well as the years went on I moved and went to a new school where the same thing happened. I gravitated to the girls and then got picked on. But this time no councilor. I just would let it go but when you get called "gay" and "sweetheart" everyday for years from your classmates and your own sister you fell like giving in. But I stood my ground. "Im not gay" well after years of being called gay, sweetheart, and being told I should have been a girl. It makes you think about those things. I wish I was a girl. I know I don't feel right in this body. Well now im a senior, and 18 and have a loving caring fiance that supports me in everything I do and knows how much I want to be a girl but she lives on the other side of the country. We are both bi and she knows I like to dress up. Her and two of my close friends know this(both my close friends are girls). I don't like watching sports and I like cars but only because they look cool. She also wants kids but she wants me to be the person I really am but they both conflict. IDK how to deal with all this. She says im the most sensitive, caring, person she has ever met. She knows if she says something to me I might just break down for it. My family knows none of me wanting to be a girl but my mom saw me hug my transgender friend alice in food lion and she wondered why i just huged this tall blond skinny girl for no reason. I explained to her that this was my friend keith who didnt change her name yet and that she was originally a he that liked to dress like a girl. She said if I wanted to dress in skirts she would help me but she was joking and I didnt know at the time that I felt missing was being a girl. I have no idea what I am right know. Because I have to hold off on all my transitioning till my fiance gets her babies she wants. She still wants me to dress up and calls me her little jenna and she picked out my girl name. But I dont know what to do. I also don't have money for seeing a therapist or any surgery even though I want them more then anything. That is why im putting this on here. I need help.

-littlejenna

[Carolyn Marie]

Jenna, your story is not unlike that of many of us. You are still young and there is plenty of time to figure things out. You need to sit down and prioritize your life, it seems to me. You say your fiance' loves you and wants children with you. Are you planning to go to college? Do you have a job or prospects? How will you afford either college or marriage?

If you marry and have children, will your S/O stay with you through transition, or does she expect you to change if you have a family? I can tell you from personal experience that love and marriage is not a cure for being transsexual. Life can quickly get to be very complicated with a relationship, marriage and kids, along with being TS and wanting to transition.

You need to think these things through, and we will help you, Jenna. When you get some money coming in, you should seriously consider seeing a gender therapist, because no matter the help you get here, you need that kind of intensive therapy and discussions to help you work through all the issues you've raised.

Keep posting your questions, hon, and we'll keep answering. Transition is a marathon, and you are just in the first half mile.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest ignota]

Hey littlejenna, welcome

What Carolyn said is good advice - I would like to add, I'm 20 years old and seeing a therapist. She says to me nearly every session that I have plenty of time to work this out. You've got another two years on top of me, and you've already found help on here

Rhi.

[Guest littlejenna]

Are you planning to go to college? Do you have a job or prospects?

If you marry and have children, will your S/O stay with you through transition, or does she expect you to change if you have a family?

I am planing on going to college and I do have a job currently but its only at a grocery store so it doesn't pay that well. I would like to be a architectural engineer or be a biotech engineer. Yes my S/O will stay with me through transitioning and will support me 1000% and she wants me to be who I really am as soon as possible and that includes after we have kids.

[Carolyn Marie]

That's great, Jenna. Those are good plans, and with the support of your S/O, you can see it through to fruition.

Setting up your priorities and perhaps a timeline is still a good idea. It seems to me that there are things you can work on over the next few years that will help you reach your goals. Clearly HRT is not among the first things to think about if you want to have a family.

Please stick with us, ask questions, and learn what you need to learn. After you get five posts you can access the private message (PM) system, and you are welcome to contact me any time.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie