Hello! Just Keen To Feel Comfortable With Myself.

[Guest Cambo]

Hi there,

I registered here awhile ago under a male name and asked for advice, also posted a picture and asked people what gender I looked - and most said male. All this freaked me out a bit - as I was only just starting to question myself and wasn't really ready to take those steps yet. That's not to say I am now, but I'm registered under female and my nickname is just an abbreviation of my surname - Campbell.

Basically I've liked dressing in boys/men's clothes since I was.... 10 maybe? Not until then for some reason. I've been through phases but my girls clothes were always fairly neutral anyway - no dresses! I never started to question my gender until I started watching transition videos on youtube. I was directed to kyford23 after watching "Lesbian Answers." Then I kinda got obsessed and watched more and more. I was wondering if anyone else has had this experience - getting ideas about transition only AFTER being so exposed to the idea. It makes me think they're not legitimate - yet somehow I haven't been able to shake them and it dominates my mind. Before anyone makes any assumptions - I am not a lesbian. I identified as one once, but I'm afraid I had self bisexualphobia. Being bisexual is very difficult as one is often discriminated by both the straight and gay communities. I too discriminated bisexuals, but I slowly came to understood who I was. I've heard some opinions about butch lesbians feeling the need to transition - which I think is sad, but to set the record straight - that is not me.

I'm also not sure I want to transition. I don't feel like a man trapped in a woman's body, and I don't think I think like a man. I just have this desire to look like one. Sure, it sounds like I'm a crossdresser. I guess I can say I'm at least that. I just hate walking into male sections of clothing stores and feeling SO uncomfortable. I hate people looking at me strangely, and I hate feeling uncomfortable in women's bathrooms. I'm starting to dislike having a female name more and more. Maybe I need an alter ego,... hmm.

Another strange thing I remembered after watching trans videos was that when I was younger and hanging out with guys.... without really thinking about it, I wanted to impress them, but as a guy if that makes sense? Like, I would lower my voice and try and... talk in the way they talk. So sub-consciously, the afterwards I would be like - what was that?

Part of the reason transition scares me so much is that it's never really complete. You have to inject for the rest of your life and you will never be exactly biologically like someone born of that sex. Hormones change you... and all sorts of scary things... rejection, explaining yourself to partners, the ambiguity during the transition process, seeing people who knew you when you were younger... all that.

Hopefully I never have to transition. Where I am now - I think about my gender 24-7. I can't stop analyzing and trying to work it out.

[Guest Miss_Construe]

Welcome to Laura's Playground

I think you are in the right place. Transitioning is funny in that there is no set endpoint for anyone and there is no roadmap. You can identify as male, female or anywhere in between or outside of those genders. What that looks like is entirely up to you. There are not standards and there are no judged that matter except yourself.

You are embarking on an exploratory journey of sorts it sounds like and a bit of trial and error is natural. Please keep us posted about what you find and if there is a name you prefer please let us know. It is okay if that changes over time, mine has and so have many of ours on here.

April

[Guest]

Hi Cambo,

Welcome to Laura's Playground! I'm sure you'll find others here who feel much the same as you: Being bigendered or bisexual are not uncommon things.

I'd offer you two pieces of advice: First, just try to go with how you're feeling at the time. Don't force yourself into anything. If you let yourself free, you'll find yourself in a groove eventually. Second, do look for therapy. A Gender Therapist can guide you through the discovery process. It will get better!

And, if you think you're a latecomer to the world of gender-dysphoria? Try this: I hadn't even so much as cross-dressed until a few years ago, about age 55. But, then, it was like being stuck by lightning! So don't feel like you don't belong - we're all here, on our own journeys, different yet similar. Welcome to the big family called Laura's Playground!

When you have a moment, please put a post in the Introductions Forum so that everyone can come by and say hello! I do look forward to seeing more of you here!

Love, Meg

[Guest Cambo]

Thank you!

Trial and error... indeed. I really do think this will take a long time, but I guess I just have to roll with the punches. I bought a binder last night, something I've wanted to do for a long time, and when it arrives I'll just have to experiment with how that feels a bit! I'm excited though.

Both responses were very helpful . And I shall go and introduce myself!

[Guest Sally G.]

Hi Cambo,

Welcome to Laura's. Nice to see another Kiwi on the site.

My situation is a little different: I am an MTF (I think) in my late forties and began the coming out process almost a year ago. I had always assumed knew I was trans but kept it hidden for many years although I did have a few attempts at coming out, all of which were inappropriate in hindsight. A year ago I set about the process of working it out for myself with the help of a GT.

I am on a journey to discover myself but like you I am not yet certain of my destination.

PM me if you would like information on trans contacts around NZ. My information is scanty but I may be able to put you in contact with others in a similar situation.

Kia kaha

Sally G.