Does It Really Get Easier?

[Guest Awhman]

Basically I feel like I'm tearing my family apart. I'm 18, I'm a FtM and came out to my parents coming on 9 months ago now and about a month ago my parents basically went ballistic at me. I thought everything was fine and dandy and then they just blew up in my face, refused to help me with my deed poll and called up my clinic trying to tell them to slow down my process. It was such a stab in the back for me I just moved out to live with my boyfriend. I've been coming back for sunday roasts because I don't want to loose them completely but I get called by my birth name and me being transgender just isn't discussed. That is until yesterday when I asked them to call me my new name, and I was told flat out that that wasn't going to happen. That this was all too fast, I needed a therapist other then my gender therapist and basically that I wasn't transgender. That I was using this to mask other problems. Although this wasn't said quite as nicely as that, it was more screamed and cried at me. So I went to stay at my friends for the night....

It's like, I've tried so hard to get my parents involved in this, to try and make them apart of who I'm becoming and I feel like they're throwing it back in my face. I can't keep coming back and pretending to be the person I was 2 or 3 years ago. I just can't do it, it's too hard for me. But I don't want to loose them.... Is there anything I can do to just make them understand? It just feels like they'd rather loose me then accept this. And it just hurts so much, but I'm the one being made out to be the bad guy... *sigh*

[Drea]

I would ask, have you discussed this with your therapist? If so, what does your therapist tell you? If not, this is something good to bring up in therapy.

Your therapist will know more than any of us of the situation and can probably off more relevent advice.

Abstractly, time gives opportunity for healing and change. Will it get better? Nobody cay say. They may change, but you can't make them change. You can only change the things you can control. Often there can be past history well before comming out as trans that make it even harder.

There are ways that you can go about working to winning them over to accepting you. Personally I think those techniques can be highy effective, but nothing is 100%.

[Carolyn Marie]

I'm sorry that you're having these troubles with your parents. Usually, by this time things have settled down and parents come to understand or at least tolerate their trans child. Your parents seem to be moving backwards. Perhaps its that they now see the physical changes in you, and all of this has become reality to them, rather than just talk.

Drea is right, hon, you're probably just going to have to give them time. Perhaps a talk or a letter telling them how important their love and support are to you, while making it clear that this is who you are, and no amount of their yelling or denying will change that, or you. Then, its just up to them.

We'll be here for you one way or another, hon. Good luck.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[gennee]

You've told your parents and that's good. They'll need time to digest it all. Tell your therapist everything about the way you are feeling.

Gennee

[JJ]

It sounds like they have finally faced that something is going on and are in that frantic make it go away at any cost phase some people go through. Something like the anger stage of grief. They are losing the child they knew and planned for and expected. They are losing a part of their identity when you change yours. Not your fault and you have no guilt in this. They are just victims of this condition as you are only indirectly.

I agree that this is best handled with your therapist and remaining as calm and loving yet absolutely firm as possible. I am facing a situation where my only child was accepting and everything was fine till 6 months into transition and reality began to hit home. Now she is suddenly unable to give up seeing me as female. While it was in theory she was fine but when it became reality it all went south. I plan to be firm and loving. I refuse to feel guilty. I have no choice. Why would anybody ever chose what we go through if they had a choice?

Hopefully they will finally move on to the next stage -acceptance-before too long. I don't think you will lose them-but if you go not stay true to who you are then you will lose yourself. And when that happens you really don't have anything anyway.

Johnny