Being trans just feels so surreal and weird

[Guest JamesSteer]

OK my heads about to explode so i dunno if the things im saying make sense.

I know loads of trans people have always known, were always totally rebelling against their gender role etc and just always hated their birth gender and transition is just a matter of correcting their body.

I feel I am ftm and a pretty manly one at that , I feel so conflicted cos I have never behaved masculine and I never ever have acted like how i feel inside, My whole life has been like I am acting completely someone else but this one is me too, but I dont feel like gender is a spectrum, I feel if I turned into a man I would be a totally different person, completely masculine, but while in a female body I can't and dont want to express that at all, I am 100% female and I dont feel in anyway like a butch woman

Which is why I feel like either way I cant live on, I just can't get up because this female role feels so completely alien, but while I'm in it I cant make myself act manly because being a butch female is impossible for me, and I identify with it even less than my old fake self.

Is is possible I am such a man, or masculine that is why I dont identfy with my current gender at all,

I mean maybe i'm crazy but do you think? I mean my male self is completly male so when with a female body im acting completely fake hence its not me at all, like i've completely dissociated. I'm afraid maybe my feminine side is completely fake, and so is my whole life, I'm just holding on to it because i dont wanna be a butch female

I mean this reminds me of a MTF blog who said she would never transition because she is too much a feminine female, and she'd either have to be 100% , she could never identify with looking like a manly woman which she would have to go through if she transitions. She said said that its easier for slightly andro or butchier mtfs to transition because they have the testicles to do it or somethign like that, but she is too much woman to deal with being a transwoman therefore she had to stay a male.

sorry in advance this is hugely lonng

[Guest Shy]

No need for apologies. I relate to your post because I used to feel similarly. I never expressed my feminine side until I finally allowed myself too. Before that, I thought that if I could not be 100% in the body I desire, then no effort should be put into exploring my other side. This is a poor decision though because you end up pigeon-holing yourself into living a life of discontentment. Your level of well being ties in greatly with your perception of your life and yourself. If you hold on to the belief that, "I have the wrong body, and there's nothing real I can do about it" then you'll be perpetually sad (at least in my experience). First and foremost, accept yourself. It's okay to be you. Then another good thing to do is to see a gender therapist who can help you sort out what is best for you individually. In my case (and a few others I've talked to) I altered my perception so that I see myself as the person I want to be, even if I am 6'3 and undeniably male, I see myself as a woman. So I throw any negative thoughts out the window, and embrace the side of me that has been dying to emerge. The result was quite remarkable. I found that my inability to behave in the manner I felt inside completely vanished (free your mind and your DONKEY will follow). I would have doubtful thoughts, sure. But my overriding mind set was that I was in the right body, so there was no shame in acting the way I want.

So maybe try just *pretending* for a while? See what results? It's helped me, and I hope it can help you. Best of luck!

[JJ]

Each pf us is an individual. Yet so,etimes there are also similarities in what we feel

I will admit that I have aged and don't look like I did even 10 years ago but I was a very feminine looking woman. In my prime my figure was 36" 21" 34" . I had what was always considered a beautiful face. I turned down two tv parts. People followed me around and asked to take my picture. Yet I am masculine to my core and decades before I ever knew there were tramsmem thought of myself as a woman with a man's mind.

I am also a proud person and an artist. I decided if I had to live as a woman I would be the best woman I could. Never went out without hair and makeup done and a manicure. I loved clothes and decorating but tellingly never wore flowery, prints, ruffles , lace or frills but went for tailored elegance, Except when at home when it was jeans and a t-shirt or flannel shirt. Decorating always ran to leather and wood and Gothic revival.

I am transitioning and while I am still pretty androgynous after 5 months on T I wear male clothing and a male haircut and have since the day I decided to transition. And I also feared being seem as butch which I am not. At all. But you know what?-I'm not getting that vibe from people at all. They either read me as male or female but not butch female. When I met a butch lesbian socially a while ago she instantly read me as trans in spite of the fact that our clothing was similar. Just as I knew she wasn't trans. Instantly. You can look androgynous while transitioning and still not look butch.

I reached a point last January where I knew I could never transition and part of that was because I couldn't picture myself as any of the men my age around. Or as an ugly fat old man. I had been bedridden for 2 years and gained weight too, A fat crippled old man after all the work and heartbreak of transition? What was the point?

Then I just happened to watch an old rock video. And was struck to the core by the fact that the lead singer had the same basic body I did when young except he had a straighter waist. But the shoulders and arm length and hands could have been been me. He is still alive and active and I looked him up.. I saw someone I could stand to look like. Not exactly the same face but not all that far either. I had read enough about T to know that it would change my waist to hip ratio and masculinize me a lot. It has been said that a pretty woman makes a handsome man. To some extent true. I mean you don't suddenly become some freak. I decided to give it a shot. It was that or die. I really mean die. Date, time, and method already carefully planned. What did I have to lose? Being dead. And to gain? An impossible dream. A lifelong secret impossible dream.

So I started exercising and was able to get on T within 2 months. I have lost 65lbs since January. At 64! Now I can walk again and am happier than I have ever known I could be in spite of some personal circumstances that are the worst I have ever faced. Because iI am alive at last and living in the world as myself instead of behind that image. That is worth anything. Worth every sacrifice. I never understood till now what people meant when they said life was worth living It isn't where I want to end up yet but when I look in a mirror I like what I see. I see me. I am struck many times a day by how good it feels to now inhabit this body-to be real and be alive.

I won't lie-it is a struggle. Particularly if you have separated your real identity from your body as I had. But it can be done. Which is the point of this long ramble. I have been where you are and I can tell you that you can live as a man. Can be as masculine as you are inside. It will come through once you connect to your body. I will never have some equipment but I can have a prosthesis which is what some natal men have too. Nor am I shallow enough to measure a man by that. When it comes to T-that thing so many measure men by-I have more than natal men my age. And my body is no longer the body of a woman -no matter how it started-it is now a body shaped by testosterone and it belongs to a male. It IS a male body. I'd get those extra bits if I could but I am no less a man and no less masculine for not having them.

If this is what you have to do to live -then do it! You can. You CAN be a man and nothing but a masculine man.

Johnny

[Guest Miss_Construe]

James,

Yeah, I was a very masculine 'male' for a very long time, but my femininity shined through no matter what. People IRL who see my FB and LP avatars laugh at me because they are way too butch for who I really am . I am 6'4" (or 1.92cm) tall and am still built like a lithe tank. My ex-wife said I used to look like Jared Padalecki with hair. People said I acted almost exactly like Wolverine or house. That isn't quite how I act now.

I wear pig tails a lot (it is cooler than a pony tail in the summer). Love flowing skirts and tank tops. My actions are basically what you get when a bubble gum girl matures slightly, but not too much.

I still pay homage to my masculine side by not removing myself from my more physical loves (which usually cause injury or pain). Basically I reside in female, but I use the whole space.

You can look at other's stories and see just how different each and every one of us is. I think that is the beauty of Laura's.

Hugs,

April

[Guest JamesSteer]

Each pf us is an individual. Yet so,etimes there are also similarities in what we feel

I will admit that I have aged and don't look like I did even 10 years ago but I was a very feminine looking woman. In my prime my figure was 36" 21" 34" . I had what was always considered a beautiful face. I turned down two tv parts. People followed me around and asked to take my picture. Yet I am masculine to my core and decades before I ever knew there were tramsmem thought of myself as a woman with a man's mind.

I am also a proud person and an artist. I decided if I had to live as a woman I would be the best woman I could. Never went out without hair and makeup done and a manicure. I loved clothes and decorating but tellingly never wore flowery, prints, ruffles , lace or frills but went for tailored elegance, Except when at home when it was jeans and a t-shirt or flannel shirt. Decorating always ran to leather and wood and Gothic revival.

I am transitioning and while I am still pretty androgynous after 5 months on T I wear male clothing and a male haircut and have since the day I decided to transition. And I also feared being seem as butch which I am not. At all. But you know what?-I'm not getting that vibe from people at all. They either read me as male or female but not butch female. When I met a butch lesbian socially a while ago she instantly read me as trans in spite of the fact that our clothing was similar. Just as I knew she wasn't trans. Instantly. You can look androgynous while transitioning and still not look butch.

I reached a point last January where I knew I could never transition and part of that was because I couldn't picture myself as any of the men my age around. Or as an ugly fat old man. I had been bedridden for 2 years and gained weight too, A fat crippled old man after all the work and heartbreak of transition? What was the point?

Then I just happened to watch an old rock video. And was struck to the core by the fact that the lead singer had the same basic body I did when young except he had a straighter waist. But the shoulders and arm length and hands could have been been me. He is still alive and active and I looked him up.. I saw someone I could stand to look like. Not exactly the same face but not all that far either. I had read enough about T to know that it would change my waist to hip ratio and masculinize me a lot. It has been said that a pretty woman makes a handsome man. To some extent true. I mean you don't suddenly become some freak. I decided to give it a shot. It was that or die. I really mean die. Date, time, and method already carefully planned. What did I have to lose? Being dead. And to gain? An impossible dream. A lifelong secret impossible dream.

So I started exercising and was able to get on T within 2 months. I have lost 65lbs since January. At 64! Now I can walk again and am happier than I have ever known I could be in spite of some personal circumstances that are the worst I have ever faced. Because iI am alive at last and living in the world as myself instead of behind that image. That is worth anything. Worth every sacrifice. I never understood till now what people meant when they said life was worth living It isn't where I want to end up yet but when I look in a mirror I like what I see. I see me. I am struck many times a day by how good it feels to now inhabit this body-to be real and be alive.

I won't lie-it is a struggle. Particularly if you have separated your real identity from your body as I had. But it can be done. Which is the point of this long ramble. I have been where you are and I can tell you that you can live as a man. Can be as masculine as you are inside. It will come through once you connect to your body. I will never have some equipment but I can have a prosthesis which is what some natal men have too. Nor am I shallow enough to measure a man by that. When it comes to T-that thing so many measure men by-I have more than natal men my age. And my body is no longer the body of a woman -no matter how it started-it is now a body shaped by testosterone and it belongs to a male. It IS a male body. I'd get those extra bits if I could but I am no less a man and no less masculine for not having them.

If this is what you have to do to live -then do it! You can. You CAN be a man and nothing but a masculine man.

Johnny

Johnny, yep I hope you take no offence but I can definitely tell you were a pretty woman.

I think I have a bit of a similar thing going with you,

Another thing why transition is so absolutely hard, is I totally love women and I am totally my own type, I always tried to be the best at everything so I tried pretty hard to be an attractive female too, and yeah honestly i have to admit I make really pretty woman, i have like the perfect female body . Uh, I have spent my whole life trying to look as pretty as possible, I cant believe I'm gonna poison myself like this, But at the same point the man in me is screaming to come out, I can't identify with myself at all.

I wonder, do many trans people have a bit of this love-hate thing going on with their birth gender, like I serously love my body but i cant live with it, for me being trans is not at all about hating my birth gender, its just feeling a complete dissociation with it.