What bothers me

[Guest alicewonders]

Let me start this by first explaning myself.. I have a female body and male mind. I absoulty love doing things like working on cars and fixing things around the house.. The problem i face is that when i am doing things like this my male side takes completly over and i hate that people see a "female" and therefore i have no bussiness doing such things.. It to me at these times is a very painfull experiance and i dont know how to express this to people in a manner that they may understand. So i am usually forced to just sit back and watch... All the while i want to just scream and yell the fact that i may know what i am doing. It bothers me and hurts because no one sees that i am not just a female. If anyone has any suggestions on how i can go about explaining this please let me know... I dont know how to make my friends and family understand this without them thinking that i am really wanting to be a total guy as in having surgery. I dont want that and i am sure that this is compltly understandable to everyone here. We are not trans people because of the simple fact that we can not become truly one or the other... But have to be both or on days feel one or the other.. So if anyone can help me with this please feel free to..

Thanks for any help you can offer..

[Guest Alder]

oh dear... I really wish I had any advice... I get this quite often, to the point of my grandfather who's 70+ and my father with a hernia would rather carry a tv than to let me help I was the most spry person /there/... Same with all other physical labour, I'm constantly told to 'go easy' and warned not to hurt myself..... though my ex husband would take advantage of my handyman mannerism's and just sit on his butt while I fixed everything and he's expect me to still do all the house wife stuff (even while I was working)...

It can be excruciatingly bothersome(to put it lightly) and makes you just want to scream at them... I wish I could offer advice but really all I've found solace in is ranting to the few who understand.

[Guest alicewonders]

Oh yes Alder i know exactly what you mean. Although my ex would always tell me that i should act more like a woman and less like a man.. That hurt me more then anything anyone had ever said to me because i could never understand exactly how a woman was supposed to "act" nor could i ever do much that would be appoved of. I was always made to feel like i had mental problems and even let my ex talk me into taking anti depression drugs becuse of it.

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

I guess the best way to get people to stop being so ignorant about the fact that you know what you're doing is to SHOW them that you can do these things. Make a habit of slipping into conversations a mention of projects you have done involving the skills they are thinking you shouldn't have...get involved in the technical talk that goes on over fixing things, throwing around some words that someone who didn't know what they were doing wouldn't know...push your way in there and do a blimin good job of it and let them see that you CAN do it.

With most people you should only have to prove yourself a few times before they realise that actually you're every bit as knowledgeable as them.

...of course there are a few jerks who wont learn but there probaby just is no way to get through to those few idiots. They wont belive you can do it because the only way they can get their own sense of self work is by thinking they are better than other people.

Hang in there mate, I know how frustrating it can be coz my father is one of those jerks. Even if I'm fully transitioned with all the T and surgeries and passing 100% without question he will never accept me as knowing anything or being as good as him or being a man. I need to learn how to live with that, find ways to define my manhood and self worth that doesn't rely on him and seek out people who WILL accept and value my skills and qualities no matter what my body looks like.

Gabe

[Guest alicewonders]

Thank you much Gabe.

[Guest Roux]

Gabe said it perfectly:

I guess the best way to get people to stop being so ignorant about the fact that you know what you're doing is to SHOW them that you can do these things. Make a habit of slipping into conversations a mention of projects you have done involving the skills they are thinking you shouldn't have...get involved in the technical talk that goes on over fixing things, throwing around some words that someone who didn't know what they were doing wouldn't know...push your way in there and do a blimin good job of it and let them see that you CAN do it.

With most people you should only have to prove yourself a few times before they realise that actually you're every bit as knowledgeable as them.

And just to elaborate on what he said: when a guy comes up to you and sees you doing whatever 'manly' job (carrying something heavy, changing your car's oil, fixing the toaster, whatever) and then tells you to let him do it, tell him 'No thanks, I've done this before.' Let them know their offer's appreciated, but you're competent and enjoying what you're doing. Don't allow them to force you stop what you're doing and let them take over. (It's great advice, but easier said than done. For me, too.)

I would also avoid replying with something regarding my gender, like, 'No thanks, I'm as much a man as I am a woman; I can handle an oil change.' I'd avoid it because I want the person to see me as a confident and competent person performing a task, not as someone who's probably only performing a 'manly' task to prove some weird point about gender. If I told my grandpa 'No thanks, I've done this before,' he'd likely respond with wary respect. If I told him the 'I'm as much a man as I am a woman' thing, he'd almost certainly tell me to stop playing games and get on with my life. Outside of the garage. And to hand him the funnel while I'm at it.

If I'm faced with people who are prone to dismiss me as female and not give me much credit as a confident and capable person, I'd save the gender arguments for a time when I'm not performing some gender-oriented task (fixing the car, baking a cake, whatever). They might try to say that I'm only performing a guy-ish task to prove a point, or the fact that I'm performing a woman-ish task proves that I'm 100% woman. And I don't want either of those things to cross their minds during that kind of discussion.

. . . I feel like I expressed myself really badly. I hope there's some sense in this!

[Guest Aries]

I totally understand. I can't count the number of times I have felt the same way. I haven't found a way to communicate my perspective and feelings to my Son's Mom or (in a "removed" way) my Mother. I have recently found myself contemplating this very thing and I asked myself, "would you be able to see the things you see about this subject without going through it all yourself?" I honestly don't know if I would even have the ability or perspective to see the same way i do without being in the shoes I am in at the moment. Realizing that kind of made me (not happy about, but ) understanding of people's ignorance. I feel there is little excuse for bigotry but I guess I have to wonder how I can hold the ignorant (though not willfully ignorant) 100% at fault for their ridiculous notions of propriety.

[Guest Micha]

Roux beat me to it. I was basically gonna say exactly that, though maybe not as politely. "Thanx, no. I got this." Leave gender out of it (cuz it shouldn't have anything to do with what a person can or can't do in the first place), and jus keep doing it. People won't always listen, but if you don't let them take the task away from you, they won't be able to do anything about it. Swing a larch wrench around at them if you have to, sure they'd back off then.

Remember too, going no hormones and no surgery doesn't mean you're not transgender. Going that route is even acceptable for transexuals, and it does not invalidate their gender identity.

[Guest Micha]

large* typo. . .

*grumbles*

[Guest alicewonders]

Thanks for all your advice... Oh i know micha, but i discribe myself that way because that is the easiest way i can understand myself.. Please understand i did not say that in a manner other then to describe myself. I see trans as simply wanting the body to match the mind and as i cant at times even tell you what gender i am i dont feel like i can even concider myself as such... I hope that makes since and does not upset anyone...

[Guest Micha]

Thanks for all your advice... Oh i know micha, but i discribe myself that way because that is the easiest way i can understand myself.. Please understand i did not say that in a manner other then to describe myself. I see trans as simply wanting the body to match the mind and as i cant at times even tell you what gender i am i dont feel like i can even concider myself as such... I hope that makes since and does not upset anyone...

Er. . . no, you didn't step on my toes or nothin, wasn't reacting or anything, so don't fret. Jus sayin cuz I don't dig the idea of anyone feeling invalidated or anything cuz they're "not trans enough." Didn't mean to come off like I was offended or anything. If tha's what works for you then cool, by all means.

Seems I need some lessons in tact or sommat, I'm giving off the wrong impression. . .

Eh heh. . . akward start eh?

[Guest alicewonders]

Oh no your fine...lol... In fact i have been concerding the thought of looking into hormones. If it wanst for the simple fact that i can not stand having hair on my body i might have even started it to see if it would help in any way. So the thought of having one more place (my face) to worry about shaving is the only thing that has me still standing in the middle of things.. But other wise all is good and no awkwardness.. The only thing is getting to know how everyone is and each personality in the way they express themselves....

[Guest Juniper Blue]

Maybe try something like: Thank you for the offer but I am enjoying this process and I would like to keep doing it on my own. Or "It nice to know that I can ask for help if i need it - Thank you for the offer- but I have it covered and I like doing this for myself." I f the problem persists, maybe a "heart to heart is in order" and something like: Gramps, I know that you really care about me and want the best for me. It seems to concern you when I carry large objects (or whatever) I really like to do these things for myself. Please tell me, does this make you feel uncomfortable? If he says yes, "He is worried" or blah blah blah ... maybe say something like: I feel really good about doing this and I am stronger than you think I am. Do you trust that I will ask you for help if I need it? I know that you love me and I want you to trust me on this."

I think that sometimes men are conditioned to offer help to women and feel that they are being poor men if they do not offer their assistance to women. Having a woman lift a heavy object in their presence may feel like a slight to their manhood, especially if some one sees this. They may feel that it is their duty to help and protect you. It may also be his way of showing that he cares.

It is sad, but some define a man's strength in relation to a woman's weakness. If the woman is strong why does she need a man? If a man is not needed, that what is he worth?