YO MOMMA IS SO.....

[Guest EvenClose]

ACCEPTING!!!!

Over the weekened I came out to my mom.

Its kindof like a BIG deal. Coming OUT is a big deal. Plus, lets face it. It sucks. Nerve wrecking. All the anxiety.

I had not seen my mother in 6 years. Last time I did was at her fathers funeral back at the end of 2005.

Even then things didn't go overly well.

Before then in the 5 years before that I had only seen her about 6 times.

See...When I was growing up I was not a real happy child. Dysphoria kinda ran my life. It wasn't intense dysphoria..Oh wait...I can't remember if it was. My car wreck back in 2001 screwed the ol brain up a bit and its a bit hard to remember....Well...Yeah..There is that, and apparently is was so flippin awefull that I probably don't wanna remember it.

Ok so on to the weekend. Enough about have poopy life had been. We all know it sucked hiney whiney for all of us. You don't wanna hear my stories. (Don't lie...You know your dying to hear them.)

Oh..*cough* this weekend. Keep forgetting about that..

So yesterday I bar-b-qued...Just kidding, ill get on with it. hehe

Met up with my mom saturday at a hotel. It was a little shocking seeing her. The last images I ever had of her was at a chinese restaurant in the middle of nowhere after us going to a funeral. She had put on quite a bit of wait back then. Didn't look bad though. She had always been so little. She looked healthy. This time though....I didn't know what to say. It was kind of hard for me. She looked much older. Time had ceased to be as kind to her any more. She had many sun spots on her from all those years of laying out in the sun. She had navy carpris on. A black shirt,dark burgandy nail polish and lipstick. Even dark colored eye shadow. Almost gothish. I guess that added to the dramatic effect of everything. I felt so disconnected. Could time have really passed so fast? Had she really been this miserable in life?

We went to a real fancy restaurant and ate dinner. It sure was good. They can just really cook at this place. I know Im a dang good cook, but this place just puts me to shame. Talked a little bit. Headed back to the motel to go....dun dun dun....SWIMMING.. Thats right. Yall know thats probably not gonna happen in that first year on hrt.

I sent my partner and my kiddo down to swim and I started in telling my mother. She didn't understand it of course. She had never even knew people like us existed in the world. So she got to deal with that and the fact that im still with my girl. Im not sure which one made her more uncomfortable. lol

So yeah, she was like I don't know exactly what you mean, but accepted it and said she would learn about it and do what she could. She called me Miranda. Daughter. It was just soo overwhelming.

So then I wondered why she seemed so accepting. Not that im complaining. But im in school majoring in pysch. So I had to be curious. I know people have to come to a deep internal understanding to be able to deal with things in such a easy manner. She didn't seem like she was pretending, so I was pretty confident that it was legit.

OH how I was....Right. This is where things get crazy. (U didn't really expect for them to be normal, cut and dry with me right?)

So lets see how to start...

Ok after her father died she started having some serious "anxiety" issues. (Oh how familiar)

She said she had always had a problem with anxiety and been diagnosed with G.A.D. (generlized anxiety disorder) and been on tons and tons of different kinds of medicine to try and fix it. She tried and tried and no matter what couldn't just feel happy inside. Well a couple years later she was at the doctors office getting checked up (because she had terrible pms cramps..something else Ive learned to not love so much..Damn cramps) Well they found she had a 7 POUND fibroid tumor attached to her fallopian tube and ovary.

So a hysterectomy had to be performed. After word she had a lot of depression and hormone imbalance and her doctor put her on premarin. Which wasn't really working. Her hormone levels were tested and her estrogen was sky high. (She was on a very very low dose of premarin)

She was having bad night sweats and didn't feel normal. Progesterone didn't help either.

So basically they told her good luck...Thats not cool. Who does that? What a crap booty doctor.

So apparently because of this hormone imbalance she about lost her mind. She was at the point to where she intended on ending it..I guess something went wrong and she couldn't go through with it.

This was 3 years after the hysterectomy by now.Or This march...Almost on the same day that I went to start Hrt...ODD coincedence. Anyway, she finally got some medicine that resulted in balanced hormones. (LOL so did I. hehe) Since then she said that she finally understands that nothing and noone is make your life happy but you. No matter who you are or what you look like to the world, that it doesn't matter because things can still be very wrong and noone can see them but you.

My jaw pretty much dropped at this point. The one lesson that is hardest to get people to understand is the one thing that she already understood.

We talked a lot about my childhood and she started kinda putting the pieces together and felt bad that she didn't know. It was pretty obvious. She also felt really bad about how my parents treated me as a child. She wished I would have told her this years ago so she could have helped me transition then..SCREEEEEECH...(Wait what did she just say?) Yeah she wished she would have known then. (Pinch, Im asleep right?)

We talked a ton. Just like girls would from then on out. It was just so...overwhelming. I would have thought she would have burned every bridge right then and there just to make sure I couldn't get near her. My parents were some ruthless people growing up. If I stepped out of line (I never saw the line very well, I think I was doin it wrong.) then I would get the crap beat out of me and left without the paper to clean it up. (Not literally, figuratively though)

So yeah..It went like really really good.

When I got back home though...the g/f (who came with) wasn't taking it all too well. I think she thinks someone can talk me out of this or, Ill change my mind or something. Im not sure. She seems not to have any problems with anything at all. Just tells me she can barely handle it. I'de understand that if we didn't talk more or have a much closer relationship, but things are great as long as she don't start in treating me bad just because she can. I don't get it. She even told me that she felt she wasn't needed because my mom accepted me so well. I know she is having a hard time. But I don't get it.

Everything has been sooo much better around here. Then every once in a while she starts throwing hate at me.

Anyway, oh well...Life goes on. Ya win some, ya lose some.

Have a great day everyone

Miranda

[JJ]

Miranda,

That day with your mom was amazing! Something that you will remember in sharp detail for the rest of your life. Being able to reconcile with a parent can make such a difference in leaving a bad past behind.

Something I have said over and over here when people talk about delaying transition for their children is that unhappy people can't be good parents. Some manage with superhuman effort to be relatively good but you just can't give your best when troubled.Your mother is a perfect example of that. I am glad she found the source of her problems and that you have gotten to know her as a more stable better person.

I am also very happy for you that she is so accepting.

And I hope your S/O finds her way to that same kind of acceptance. It is harder for her of course because she has to deal with it and with her own feelings-which can vary so much from day to day for many of us-every day. It sounds like she really is trying hard. And her comment about not needing her now really sounds like a plea for reassurance to me.

Thanks for sharing

Johnny

[Carolyn Marie]

Miranda, you really know how to tell a story, girl. That was very, um, entertaining.

Your mother is really a remarkable woman, for being able to instantly accept this huge change in her life and yours. I hope the two of you stay close and she can be a comfort and a friend, along with being a mom. You are very lucky, and she is lucky to have regained her health. A seven pound tumor? Yikes!

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest EvenClose]

This was just sent to me from my mom. Just thought Ide share this too.

I wanted to let you know that I got your text message this morning. I have been busy doing payroll. But I'm done now and thought I would answer you.

I have thought alot about what you told me and also done some reading about it this morning. I really wish you had not been so unhappy with yourself all these years. It makes me sad to think that I may have contributed to it. My most sincere wish for you is to be happy. I wish you were satisfied with how God gave you to me, but if you are not, then it is your choice to make.

It will be a hard road for you, I am afraid. But I want you to do what you wish. I will always love you as my son (or daughter) but I will always remember the perfect little boy that I saw from the first time I held you in my arms. You were beautiful then and you are still today. You are my perfect child, either way.

I will never forget this weekend. I had looked forward to that day for so long. I am ok. I hope you will be too.

Love you forever,

Mom

Yep...(don't know what else to say...a little teary eyed at the moment)

Miranda

[Guest CariadsCarrot]

I'm so glad things went well for you with your mum. It seems like her own experiences have put things in perspective for her and taught her how to be a better and more understanding person. It often either seems to work that way or make people bitter and selfish, I'm glad it did the former for her and that it's enabled her to be understanding for you now.

I'm sorry things blew up with your partner. Like Johnny says it sounds to me like she's insecure and needs reassurance that you still need her. When my partner was struggling to accept things and we were having a lot of arguments it eventually came out that the root of it all was really that she was afraid she was going to loose me through my transitioning. Once I was able to fully reassure her that no part of my transitioning would change my feelings for her then things have been a lot better between us and she's been able to accept things more. Maybe you need to have a similar talk with your partner.

Gabe

[JJ]

It may have come late but you are lucky to have this lady in your life now!

That e-mail could wring tears from a stone.

Hug!

Johnny

[Carolyn Marie]

Very moving message, Miranda. Thank you so much for sharing it.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[~Nova~]

Ok, wow...

I'm glad it worked out. It's tought telling anyone, but family is super tough