Is 'happy enough' happy enough?

[Guest Toeka]

Hello everyone!

My names are either Adam or Sophie, but at the moment, pretty much exclusively Adam. I usually go online by the handle "Y3ll0wSph3r3" (only with letters instead of numbers, written this way so that it has no chance of showing in searches!!!)

I am now 21, but when I was 14-17ish I was known to a lot of my friends as Sophie. I have often been curious about my gender, mostly in ways I can't really remember or describe. There are a couple of small things that I remember, like telling someone I wanted to grow up to be a girl (and going on to insist that it was possible) at somewhere between 8-10 and, at 11, suddenly getting incredibly cold feet about playing a female role in a small school play.

The entire time I was living as Sophie and mostly sure about myself as female I never once did anything that was really acting anyway different from how I do now, I exclusively wore male clothing and shaved irregularly. I suppose this kind of got me down, that I didn't have the confidence to do anything. I had such an insane phobia of dressing as female. A massive element of this was the intense sexual feeling that it brought, which was embarrassing and confusing, like it was a perversion (which I know isn't the case). I also regularly masturbated to the idea of becoming, or having sex as female, and again, at the time, I thought this meant what I was feeling was testosterone fuelled and not "genuine"

Anyway, ultimately I came to the conclusion that I am "happy enough" living as male. It doesn't get my significantly down and it is, of course, easier day-to-day. I didn't need to do anything that could potentially backfire and leave me less happy....and so my dysphoria laid dormant as I got on with my job and my life.

Now, my partner, fiance in fact, is FtM, has undergone HRT and lives full time as male. I am therefore "out" as gay to the majority of people I know. I don't tend to restrain any of my mannerism around people, and I think people just attribute my eccentricities to that. Or aren't judgemental and don't care...if only! I mention this for completeness. I have no particular desire for this relationship to be straight or gay or anything else. I couldn't care less; I love my fiance unconditionally.

Recently, feelings of dysphoria have started to come back and be more in the front of my mind, which is why I've signed up. However, I still believe at the moment that I could continue to live my entire life happily without transition. My partner has pointed out to me that, in some ways, this isn't surprising as I've never really endured any hardship in my life (that wasn't self-inflicted) and that I wouldn't be able to deal with all the difficulties involved. I also have what I'm sure is a doubt pervasive amongst all those considering transition; that I will regret it, or it won't help and I will not end up happier for it.

In October, for the first time, I will be wearing a full female outfit (with wig and makeup) for more than ten minutes, and in public! Me and my partner are going to cosplay as the two main female characters from the Japanese game/anime/manga School Days (which is gloriously crazy) at England's largest anime, comic and game expo (MCM London Expo). Not only is this going to be huge amounts of fun, but I think, in the non gender-judgemental environment, it will help my own mental picture of myself and my gender identity. So it will be very interesting. I've been massively gung-ho and confident about this, because it's the only way I'm going to actually be able to do it and not chicken out. Though I know I will be massively apprehensive, I will not let it stop me!

So really any words of wisdom you can impart will be gratefully received.

Thanks everyone!

[Guest Julie T]

Toeka

Welcome to Laura's Playground, and let me say we like having a diversity here. Many of us are MTF but will never transition, so that is just part of the spectrum. In any case, we would welcome you to post and let everyone get to know you.

Julie

[Guest]

Hello Adam / Sophie,

Yes, welcome to Laura's Playground!

I do wish you well going to the Expo. I do understand that difficulty with the first time out. My first outing was on Halloween night, a safe environment to test the waters.

And, it confirmed what I already suspected: once out that door, it was so hard to go back in! It took me two years to work up the nerve (and the desperation) to finally go full time. Like many of us here, before I went full time, I dressed more and more in feminine clothes and worked my way slowly to a feminine presentation. It's a thought if you're not ready to go out full time, or not sure if you want to: Just work into it slowly, at your pace, in your comfort zone. You'll never know where it takes you!

Best of luck!

Love, Meg

[Guest terra]

well put it this way, reading this has made me decide that i'm finally going to go as columbia from the rocky horror picture show for things wanted to do it for years, now i'm gonna!

be strong, be happy, be what you wanna be

terra