I've been moving too fast for my own good, or, 'be careful what you wish for'...

[Guest Svenna]

Okay, I'll be the first to admit it, I try to do to much, too soon, too often...

Things I realized today that I hadn't considered yesterday...

I am only human, I have limits to my emotional strength and there are serious risks involved with me stressing out beyond my capacity to cope...

I want to be there for others, just as I would like others to be here for me. That sounds great in principle, but it can be very problematic in reality...

On one side of this coin, I have been through a lot of intense things in life already that I have survived, despite the odds. Because of this, I feel the need to try to help people in similar circumstances. Unfortunately, my girl self isn't as strong as my pretend male self.

Being there for others may be taking a toll greater than I can afford to pay just yet. Trying to 'be there' for folks struggling with addictions and suicidal thoughts is TOO much for me. I am not able to withstand the stress, I am weak, I am still hurting too much myself to get involved...I'm sorry, I can't handle it...I really am...

On the other side of this same coin, the girl in me is FAR TOO NEEDY and weak to withstand much public scrutiny. When I feel like I am being shunned or ignored or dismissed (or worse), it makes ME vulnerable to the same addiction and suicidal triggers that I wish to be able to help others avoid...Just the thought that I may have alienated any of you somehow has me obsessing over everything I have posted, every PM I've sent, every single 'secret' I have shared....as a male, I just don't give a darn what anybody thinks of me, heck, 'he' isn't real, why should 'he' care? I have wished for a place where I could share my female self, and I thought I found it, but as a female, I am very vulnerable to even the very thought of rejection. And it hurts more than I would like to admit...

Thank you sooo much to all here who have stepped forward to help me so far. Your generosity has been monumental and has done me a world of good....

I had hoped and wished I could return the favor, but I am not strong enough...I am so sorry!

Krysten and Drakes 'farewell posts' have devastated me. I cannot bear to think of what is going on with either of them without breaking down and sobbing...I am distraught and powerless...

So, please forgive my eagerness now turned sour, I am just not able to handle these things...

To those that predicted a 'crash', congrats! You were right...

Love to you all in great abundance...

Svenna out...

[Guest John Chiv]

Svenna,

Humans need to rest as well. Take care of yourself. Tomorrow we will still be here.

John

[~Nova~]

Svenna,

You know how I feel. I too have been hurt by those posts. I have cried and done everything I can to understand, and again like you, I came here. The people here are so understanding. Maybe it's because they have been there? Maybe it's because all our brains our wired the same? Maybe it's because our community is so small that we look internally for answers? I don't know which one, I just know it works.

I have been told I'm going to fast. I shot out of the blocks like sprinter in the 100yd dash. Then, like most sprinters that haven't put in the time, I crashed and burned. I came away scraped and with a sorely bruised ego, but I did come away.

Take a step back. Slow down and ponder what your next option is. We will be here with open arms waiting for you. Or, don't leave and just hang in the General forum and post silly stuff.

Whatever you choose, please know we all love you.

Autumn

[Guest Mia J]

Svenna,

We are all human.

We all need support from others and we also need to pay it back by helping others.

But we can not do it all. We must learn to give what we can when we can without hurting ourselves.

We at Laura's are a family in many ways. We want to give to each other. We want to be able to receive from those here what we need.

Nobody is going to be judged here for being too needy. A lot of us have been there.

Take what ever time you need to heal. Read what you want here and don't feel you have to respond to any posts.

And when you need us for support we will try be here to help.

Mia

[JJ]

Svenna, many of us have felt what you are feeling. We are here to help you without any need for you to pay it back until or unless you are strong enough. There is no reason to push yourself to give back till you are ready. There will still be those in need when you are ready

I often feel guilty because there are areas I don't read and don't answer. I have special knowledge and training in sexual abuse for instance but it also triggers anxiety -and if too close to home even short term depression -in me. So I regret the help and difference I could make and don't, but if I ignore those inner warnings then I will soon be unable to help anyone. And I think I can help in other areas. I stay out of the self harm forums for the same reason.

Offer what you safely can. You don't have to got to the suicide and depression forums. It sounds like a bad idea for you in fact. But you can just give hugs and recognition on the good posts and still be doing enormous good. The person who is up today may be down in a few days and the memory of the caring and support may get them through. I know it makes a big difference with me when the dark closes in. When that nasty inner voice starts then I use the words and the caring that have been given to me to silence it. Not words said when I posted I was suicidal or down -because I am often mute then-but the words in response to ordinary posts.

And you can do that. You have sense and wisdom and can offer those.

So please stay if you can. We need your loving heart and we want to be here for you as well. Just avoid those areas that are harmful to you. There is no guilt or shame in that. As I said it only makes sense because there are so many you can help and only a few you cannot afford to touch.

Hugs

Johnny

[Guest Svenna]

Thank you for the kind words and thoughts...

I appreciate your concern and support...really, I do...

Svenna

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Svenna:

Please, stay with us ... please.

Look, we understood. Certainly, I understood. Often times, I feel this way too. Experience has taught it's perfectly fine and appreciated to take a break. However, it is unwise to isolate yourself. Many a time, I've thought of leaving these forums. Guess what? I stayed, because I'd be wrong and foolish to leave.

I can only speak for myself, but I'm sensitive too ... maybe not as much as you ... but sensitive nonetheless. Others on here are bound to be too.

Finally, it's your choice. Leave if you really need and want to, but we'd love to have you stay ... really.

Peace & Serenity to You Lacey Lynne

[Guest Svenna]

Svenna,

Humans need to rest as well. Take care of yourself. Tomorrow we will still be here.

John

John,

You are quite right. I finally got a decent amount of sleep and I am much better today. I had less than 8 hours sleep over a 4 day period preceding this post. I was wiped out..

Thank you for your succinct reply. May I compliment you on your balance of caring and directness?

Well done, kind Sir!

Living and loving again, Svenna

[Guest Svenna]

Svenna,

You know how I feel. I too have been hurt by those posts. I have cried and done everything I can to understand, and again like you, I came here. The people here are so understanding. Maybe it's because they have been there? Maybe it's because all our brains our wired the same? Maybe it's because our community is so small that we look internally for answers? I don't know which one, I just know it works.

We ARE wired the same...I have no doubt about...

Yes, it does work. It is selfish of me to pull away just because I am overwhelmed and have had my feelings hurt. I will get over it, I promise...

Take a step back. Slow down and ponder what your next option is.

My first appointment with my Gender Therapist is in 5 hours and 45 minutes, I will know more about my next steps then.

I don't know what she will recommend regarding me posting here considering the potential for exacerbating my PTSD issues. If she advises that I stay away or refrain from posting, I will follow her advice.

If that should be the case and I don't return, I want you to know that you have touched my heart and helped me on my way already in more ways than I can say.

You are a special woman worthy of all the peace and happiness that you seek.

May love and contentedness become your constant companions..

We will be here with open arms waiting for you.

Thank you, as I truly believe that you are sincere...

Or, don't leave and just hang in the General forum and post silly stuff.

I just don't understand anybody else's gender issues here but the FTMs, and inversely, the MTFs...If I return post-therapy, it will be to the MTF forum again..

Unfortunately, I can relate to very well to anybody with issues stemming from alcoholism, drug addiction, PTSD, Bipolar Disorder and/or suicidal or self-destructive tendencies, BUT I'd be willing to bet that my therapist will suggest I stay away from interacting in those areas for the time being...

Whatever you choose, please know we all love you.

Bless you and all those that feel this way. What a precious commodity, acceptance!

Autumn

I'll miss you very much, should I have to stay away. Thank you for being you...

Love and joy, Svenna

[Guest Svenna]

Svenna,

We are all human.

We all need support from others and we also need to pay it back by helping others.

But we can not do it all. We must learn to give what we can when we can without hurting ourselves.

We at Laura's are a family in many ways. We want to give to each other. We want to be able to receive from those here what we need.

Nobody is going to be judged here for being too needy. A lot of us have been there.

Take what ever time you need to heal. Read what you want here and don't feel you have to respond to any posts.

And when you need us for support we will try be here to help.

Mia

Mia,

I have taken your advice to heart and I am grateful the caring and consideration you have shared. You have been very sweet and kind to me so far and I'll miss you if I must stay away. You represent the very best of what humanity should be all about. Thank you for taking the time to make me feel welcome...

Love and all good things to you, Svenna

[Guest Svenna]

Svenna, many of us have felt what you are feeling. We are here to help you without any need for you to pay it back until or unless you are strong enough. There is no reason to push yourself to give back till you are ready. There will still be those in need when you are ready

I often feel guilty because there are areas I don't read and don't answer. I have special knowledge and training in sexual abuse for instance but it also triggers anxiety -and if too close to home even short term depression -in me. So I regret the help and difference I could make and don't, but if I ignore those inner warnings then I will soon be unable to help anyone. And I think I can help in other areas. I stay out of the self harm forums for the same reason.

Offer what you safely can. You don't have to got to the suicide and depression forums. It sounds like a bad idea for you in fact. But you can just give hugs and recognition on the good posts and still be doing enormous good. The person who is up today may be down in a few days and the memory of the caring and support may get them through. I know it makes a big difference with me when the dark closes in. When that nasty inner voice starts then I use the words and the caring that have been given to me to silence it. Not words said when I posted I was suicidal or down -because I am often mute then-but the words in response to ordinary posts.

And you can do that. You have sense and wisdom and can offer those.

So please stay if you can. We need your loving heart and we want to be here for you as well. Just avoid those areas that are harmful to you. There is no guilt or shame in that. As I said it only makes sense because there are so many you can help and only a few you cannot afford to touch.

Hugs

Johnny

Johnny,

Thank you so much for responding with such excellent advice.

I have read and reread your reply many times, as there are so many useful directions and considerations therein. I will do what I can, when I can, and at that time I will try to the best I can, by everybody, including myself...

You are a rock, and I could learn a whole lot by emulating your approach.

My desire to assist those in need is integral to my inner self, but I must learn my limits. Your advice will be heeded...

Thank you!

Love, strength and victory to you, Sir! Svenna

I am

[Guest Svenna]

One last note here, before I go:

It is no wonder that the four people that responded here are MODERATORS...

It says volumes about the quality of this site that such quality folk are guiding the interactions here...

BRAVO and BRAVA to 'em all!

Living, learning, and loving, especially, Svenna

[Guest Svenna]

Thank you, Lacey...

[Guest Svenna]

I'm off to my first appointment with my new Gender Therapist.....in DRAG!!!!!

How's that for slowing down?

NO makeup, but definitely all female attire, including my favorite pair of shortie socks, a pair of very girly shorts, a nice comfy top and my favorite panties underneath, all girl (except my boy sneakers)...

I want to be comfortable during the appointment, and nothing soothes me like being en femme....

First time outside in all-female attire, EVER....here I go!!!

Oh my, wish me luck!

Love, Svenna

[Paula ult]

Good luck with the new GT, i would not call no makeup being in drag, many women go out not wearing any, including myself sometimes, and boy sneakers i have seen girls wearing those.

Paula

[~Nova~]

Good luck, see ya soon. ;-)

BTW, my roomie refuses to wear make up on the weekend. Then again she is stuningly beautiful.

Dep breath, ready, go!

:-)

Autumn

[Guest Svenna]

YYYYYaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll tell ya all about my amaaaaaazzzzinggg adventure in a fresh post....

BTW, I am pretty dang cute without makeup, (the goatee and 'stache excepted, of course...)

I thought 'drag' stood for 'dressed as girl'....I was DEFINITELY dressed as a girl.....still am, as a matter of fact!!!!

yaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy.......somebody is gonna be reaching puberty soooooooonnnnn!!!!!!!!

THANK YOU EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Svenna

[~Nova~]

I take it things went well?

Autumn

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

So? What happened?

Dee Jay

[Guest Svenna]

I take it things went well?

Autumn

Yops!!!

[Guest Svenna]

.

So? What happened?

Dee Jay

I started a fresh post, DJ...but, WOWZA!!!!!!!!

[Guest John Chiv]

Svenna,

Humans need to rest as well. Take care of yourself. Tomorrow we will still be here.

John

John,

You are quite right. I finally got a decent amount of sleep and I am much better today. I had less than 8 hours sleep over a 4 day period preceding this post. I was wiped out..

Thank you for your succinct reply. May I compliment you on your balance of caring and directness?

Well done, kind Sir!

Living and loving again, Svenna

Thank you Svenna. I am so glad you are a part of our family here at Laura's.

John

[JenniferB]

Hi Svenna,

I am glad everything went so well with your GT. That has to be an amazing feeling.

I want to say I find that you are stonger than you believe. The fact that you wrote your concerns here shows strengh in its own right.

Your posts are helping others here more than you realize. There are many members and guests who connect with your struggles who don't or rarely post. Also if you hadn't posted there wouldn't be helpful reponses. Again if you find comfort, others will too.

I can't wait to read about your first experience with HRT.

{{{Hugs}}}

Jenny

[Guest Mia J]

That is GREAT Svenna.

I am so happy.

Hope to read all about it soon.

Mia

[Guest Svenna]

More later, gotta tend to the SO for now...

Thank you, everybody!