No matter the laws, opinions will forever be opinions

[Guest sammyitscoldoutside]

If I understood this correctly, then I'm doing what I should. I guess.

Hi. The name is Sam, and Sam only (although Sammy and Sam-Sam works too). I'm soon to become 17 years old, and in what could be considered a very short amount of time, I've realised that I am actually transsexual.

I'm smarter than most of the people my age, or should I say, girls my age, and maybe that was what made me so special from the very beginning. I've always loved writing, and ever since I mastered the Swedish language - I was about seven - I have been writing short stories, FanFictions, poems, book summaries, songs, you name it.

This obviously made me the Special One. The other girls in my grade didn't like writing - they liked ponies and dolls and pink dresses. I preferred dinosaur toys and playing with my brothers even though they wouldn't let me.

I don't think that, up until January this year, I have been more proud of anything in my life, than I was when I got a doll at my eight birthday. I like how dolls look, and I love to dress and undress them (which probably just makes me flamboyant and stereotypical), but my classmates' reactions were- priceless.

The girls were so jealous of me, because that doll was incredibly pretty, and I let them play with it, as I picked up my notebook and wrote. Eventually, they would of course find me and give back the doll with creeped-out faces.

I, however, never really played with that doll. I named it and then it lived in my backpack for half a year.

My passion for writing took a huge break while I and one of my brothers were placed in a foster family, and my eight-year-old self had to take care of my first depression. Yet, our foster family wasn't pleased with me. In their eyes, I was horrible, because I borrowed my brother's clothes and tried to sneak to school with them still on.

When we moved back to our parents, everything was back to normal. Nobody wanted to play with me, because at eleven years of age, all I wanted to do was write.

As transsexuals, you too must recognise the wonders of The Society Guilt, as I'd like to call it.

I couldn't dress in boys' clothes, yet I knew pink was a disgusting colour. It took a couple of years until my mother finally gave up, and simply bought me black clothes instead.

I became thirteen, and high school started. My clothes weren't girly any longer - it was only ripped-up jeans and band tees and striped ties and big caps. Not to mention all the bags and shoes. I love bags and shoes, which must - theoretically - have made my mother full of joy.

No, it didn't. I wanted bags to wear over the shoulder, and I wanted them to have band names written all over them. Fine, said my mum and thought she was happy.

No, she wasn't. The shoes I wanted was, as we call them here at least, skate shoes. I had watched every boy my age wear them, and I wanted a pair in my favourite colours, green and black. Mum wouldn't let me though, because I wanted the shoes to be a couple of sizes too big.

My oldest brother gave me his old shoes, and I hid them in my room. Like porn. When I went to school, I would go out in the pair my mum had chosen for me, then I would stop outside the door, change the shoes and put the original ones in my bag.

Yes.

In the end, my mother found out about the shoes and gave them to my younger brother instead, and I believe I have never been more furious with her.

Moving past that, every time she'd give me money to buy clothes (childishly believing that I was "grown up enough to buy something the right size"), I would buy XXL tees and the biggest jeans I could find. She was angry, but I was pleased and used those clothes as much as I could, and with a smile.

Later in high school, I began dating. I've always liked boys, and there wasn't anything wrong with me dating them. So I spent the good part of high school with two one-year-long relationships, in which both I was demanded to dress in skirts. In one, I was horribly depressed, but I couldn't figure out why.

For about two years, I wore baggy jeans thrice. Maybe four times, but not much more than that. I simply forgot about it all - oh, the teenage love.

Yet, I found my way back to my first boyfriend, but when we had began dating again, I was whispered to about an internet site about transsexualism. A bit curious, and I don't think I'll ever be able to explain why I did it, I visited the site.

The next day, I had read through everything, and I was hit so hard. Everywhere. This was me. This had always been me, and- it would never change.

Of course, this broke my straight and somewhat homophobic boyfriend to pieces, and after he had told me he wished it was just a crazy idea, I broke up with him. This was in January 2011 (this year), and ever since, I have thought about this more than what is probably possible.

For once in my life, I have managed to be really happy.

My mother and my brother - whom I live with - has been surprisingly insensitive about my situation. Brother told me not many weeks ago that when I go through with the sex change, he won't be talking to me any longer. Obviously, it made me sad, since my mother hasn't been very helping either.

Strike that. The other day, she called me while I was at lunch, and she told me that she had watched an episode of Dr. Phil about transgender people. Suddenly, she acts nice, she doesn't snort when I mention it, and she actually seems to be on my side.

Just a little something:

I just changed schools (I was bullied for all the usual things in my old school; writing, boys' clothes, all that), and the first week, I came home and said to my mother, smiling:

"Mum? I asked my class in school to call me Sam, and they are. Even the teachers call me Sam. I'm very happy with this school!"

She sighed deeply, and rolled her eyes.

"You're upset" I said.

"It's ridiculous, it's what it is" said she and left.

So God or anyone that listens, bless Dr. Phil.

Anyway, I've began going to meetings at the local psychiatry for children and teenagers, and it seems like everything is just going the way I want it to right now. Accomplishment!

Well, that's my story. Hope I didn't bore you out there, or sounded incredibly stupid. I tend to.

Thank you for reading.

[MaryEllen]

Hello Sam,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

MaryEllen

[Guest Miss_Construe]

Welcome Sammy,

thank you so much for sharing your story. I hope to read more.

April

[Guest John Chiv]

Welcome to Laura's Playground Sam.

Glad to have you here.

John

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Sam,

<<< curtsey >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have FTM meetings -Mon & Fri 8pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest Donna Jean]

.Welcome to the Playground....

I'm Donna Jean...

It's nice to have you here....

Dee Jay