Um, Greetings.

[Guest TheFearfulOne]

Hi. I am bad about this kind of thing. Introductions and opening up. I don't like opening up. I prefer to hide these thoughts. Sunday, I have finally come to the conclusion, that these thoughts I have had since around 15 maybe earlier (I am 22 now, 23 in October), will most likely never go away. Thus, yesterday I started searching for forums with people struggling with these issues themselves.

Biologically, I am male. However, I cannot identify as male. I have had the thought "I wish I was a woman." Quite often over the years. It would usually make me depressed. However, eventually I managed to learn somehow to kind of, shunt the thought aside, and ignore it. Something finally gave though Sunday. As a result, I am now left panicky, unsure, scared. Wondering, "What am I?" A secondary thought has just occurred to me as well. I am wondering "What am I?" and I cannot identify my gender, as male, thus a secondary thought of: "Who am I?"

As of now. I have no job. I could in theory ask my mother, who, I regret to say I am still living with, to pay for a session with a GT for me. But, for reasons I feel most of you can relate with. That thought, terrifies me. I am currently looking for a job. But, these thoughts are beginning to tear me apart, and I am starting to wonder if I can wait. Is that the norm, for a person who after repressing such thoughts for years, first starts seriously looking at their issues seriously?

Luckily, I happened upon these forums. Will probably lurk a lot. It doesn't appear there are any Gender Therapists in the Tippecanoe County area of Indiana, so, an online session is probably my best bet.

Sorry for the long introduction, as I said, I generally don't do such things. Talking about and introducing myself. I usually avoid people, not being the most social person around. Perhaps these thoughts have something to do with that? Or, as I am becoming increasing panicky over them, I am beginning to draw links to issues that have no relation?

Well, regardless, I will probably be visiting these forums quite frequently, whether or not to just lurk or to post, I don't know. As such:

I bid all of you Greetings.

[Guest John Chiv]

Welcome to Laura's Playground. I see you have had a couple of other posts and it is good that you are gradually feeling more comfortable here. There are lot of personal experiences here and good information and I hope this helps.

You are doing the best in your situation, looking for a job, looking for the resources, so you can talk with a GT. Until you can get that support and see a GT, I hope we here at Laura's will be able to help you get through these rough times.

I am sure one of the ladies will be along and can answer your questions more specifically but I wanted to greet you and let you know you are not alone.

John

[Guest TheFearfulOne]

Thank you for that. In all honesty. The result may be quite unpleasant (an absolutely MASSIVE understatement). But, I think maybe I should show my mother the post I made in the "What am I? I'm not sure." forum. I would rather not, as in all honesty, despite her guessing why I am depressed, I fear her response when she learns just how much this is actually bothering me. Running through the conversation in my mind, I can come up with several potential scenarios. The strangest being "Why didn't you mention this sooner?".

Regardless, I think I might like these forums. The people here seem, much more accepting of others, than the general public. Much less hostility here, than the rest of the Web.

[Guest John Chiv]

Just speak from your heart. It is all you can do. But do it when you feel ready. Laura's is very special. It is my only home on the Web.

John

[Guest TheFearfulOne]

That is true I suppose. Regardless, I need more people to talk to, about these thoughts of mine. Showing her that post I made is probably the best way to say it. As, actually speaking it, I don't know if I could put it into words.

I saw some mentions on the GT listing here at Laura's that some will do online sessions. As it appears there aren't any GTs in my general area, that is probably my best bet.

Looking around Laura's more. I have to say. I find a lot of the people here to be admirable. Due to their bravery, and certainty in dealing with these problems.

[Guest John Chiv]

Include yourself among the brave people here. You may not feel it but look how you are taking positive steps which I see in each post. You are not letting your circumstances hold you back. It can be difficult when you are living with family and may feel dependent on them for stability right now.

You now have 7 posts and you know you can communicate with anyone in a personal message, especially a moderator. Please do not hesittate to do that if you do not get a response on a post or wish to discuss something privately. Just be patient with us, we do volunteer our time and may be away from the computer or not signed on.

You are doing great.

John

[Guest TheFearfulOne]

Alright, thank you. Am not looking forward to later today honestly. But, I don't even feel comfortable looking up information on this issue whilst she is here/awake, at the moment. Speaking to her about it, should hopefully make doing that, more comfortable. Then again. It could have an entirely negative result. What will happen, will happen I suppose. I need to talk, there is no way around that.

Besides, having people to talk to, is a major part of the reason I am alive at the moment.

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Hello, Hon........

Welcome to the Playground

I'm Donna Jean.....

My goodness...I've been reading your posts and i totally understand where you are coming from....

Scary? Heck yeah....it is/was for us all....

But, we need resolution, one way or another.....

Sometimes we find that we fit somewhere on the gender spectrum that is short of full transition and can find a way to be happy there.

Other times (like in my case) nothing will be satisfactory short of full transition and living as our true gender for the rest of our lives...

But, first we must search deep into ourselves and find where we are and what we need to do......

Once we have a clear idea, it's still hard, yet we can see the path....

Hon.....You must secure a gender therapist to help you work through this....then things will become more clear and less scary...

BIGG HUGGS!

Donna Jean

[Guest TheFearfulOne]

Much as i dislike therapists/psychiatrists (bad memories). I at least realize I need help. That's partially why I am planning, on showing my mom that first post I made. I honestly don't think I can describe my thoughts and feelings better than that.

I am hopeful, due to her reaction Sunday, that the conversation won't be as bad as I am imagining it. She is bipolar as well, so, she should hopefully be able to understand just how bad my state of mind is at the moment, after reading that post. Besides, it isn't as though she hasn't noticed I have been quite depressed since Sunday. Despite my trying to hide it.

[Guest Miss_Construe]

Sweetheart,

I also read your post and felt myself nodding along. I actually experienced the "why didn't you tell me sooner" reaction, and it is as weird as you could imagine. Nice, but still odd.

No matter what happens please give her some space and time to process. Also, come back and tell us everything. Coming out is a huge deal and even in the best case is exhausting.

Oh, welcome to Laura's. make yourself at home.

Hugs,

April

[Guest TheFearfulOne]

In regards to telling my mother, I just tried calling her cell so I could tell her we needed to talk as she was coming home. Turns out, she forgot it here!

Kinda scared about this coming discussion honestly. I am terrified of giving speeches in a speech class. But I would rather give a public speech on international television than have this conversation! Seems less frightening, worse that could happen in that case, is I make a fool of myself. Here, the potential reactions can be much worse.

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Fearful One,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[JenniferB]

Good luck outing yourself to your mother. I sure understand how nerve racking that can be.

I lived in Tippecanoe County for 12 years and am surprised you can't find a GT near the university. In any case Indy isn't that far away so it shouldn't be difficult to find someone there.

I hope everything turns out alright. Please let us know either way.

{{{Hugs}}}

Jenny

[Guest Mia J]

Hello Hon,

Welcome to Laura's.

If you want to talk and get support with like minded people this is going to be the place for you.

Most of us have dealt with the same issues you have over our lives. Some worse, some better. You are among friends here.

As said by several others a talk with a G.T. is a must. They are usually much better than a normal therapist because they specialize in gender issues and have a lot more experience with gender issues.

Have you gone on line or looked in the phone book to see if there is a LGBT group in your area. They can also help and provide information about therapist in the area.

I wish you luck with your mom. This is actually one of the hardest issues is talking with our families about it. Please let us know how it goes so we can give you support.

Mia

[Guest TheFearfulOne]

Well. It is now 2:21 AM here. I talked to my my mom around 7 and then went to bed. Now that I am awake, I suppose I should give everyone an update.

First off, for those who might be curious about how I went about telling her:

I first asked 3 questions, her response to the first, made me ask the second:

The first was "On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being least and 10 being most, how important an issue would you say this is?"

Her response prompted me to ask this question, which, admittedly I probably should have asked first: "Sex and Gender. What is the difference?"

Not surprisingly her basic viewpoint was, that they are the same, to which we discussed that thought.

The third question I asked, some of you may not like how I worded it but, here it is: "How would you classify this issue of mine? Mental Issue/Disorder? Choice? Something else?"

She surprised me at this point. She said she didn't think it was a mental issue/disorder. She then continued on to say, that she believed that the issue is in her opinion, at the genetic level.

After this, I had her read my thread in the "What am I? I'm not sure." sub-forum. I then followed that up, by having her read the "Transsexuality, What It Is, What It Isnt" and "Transsexuality for Parents" sticky posts in the "Parents of Transsexual and Transgender Kids Forums" figuring they could explain better than I.

Her basic thought after reading my thread was "Your in a bad place at the moment." She did say she was surprised Sunday when I said I didn't want to talk about it, but after reading this information she can understand why I didn't say anything. She also said this explains some things she had felt odd about me.

The most important thing however to come out of this: "We need to get you in to see a Gender Therapist."

I did mention to her that I don't plan on voicing these thoughts to anyone else at the moment. With which she agrees, at least until I see a Gender Therapist a few times, anything more is probably a bit premature. Due to my own uncertainty and fear mostly.

[Guest]

Hello again!

It's now 12:26 am here, and I think I posted to you about 18.5 hours ago? So, please forgive me if I'm not 100% coherent right now.

Are huge congratulations in order? YES YES YES! You've made a huge stride today, and that's so encouraging! Way to go!

You have made steps in the right direction. Now, be patient - it won't all happen at once - but you're on your way!

Do stick around here, please? I just can't wait to hear how you're doing!

Love, Megan

[Guest TheFearfulOne]

I am actually kind of nervous about seeing a therapist, I mention somewhere, that generally I don't like them. Regardless, I do need to see one. I have taken the time just now to type up some general questions for my Dad and Step-mom, should I feel I need to speak with them. If that occurs, I plan on emailing it to them, then having them send their responses back through email.

The general idea is, IF I end up needing to speak with them about it, this series of questions and their answers can help mentally prepare me for their reaction somewhat. I am not sure I will need to speak with them about it though. It'll depend a lot on what the therapist thinks I suppose. "Outing" these thoughts to more than I have at the moment, is premature in my opinion, until I have seen a therapist.

[Guest Svenna]

My Goodness, The FearfulOne!!

I'm afraid you will be needing a new name very soon, as you are clearly much more brave than you let on...

I am so proud of you!

You have taken the bull by the horns with strength AND courage!

Your mother sounds like a fine person and well-grounded, too. I am also Bipolar and I can tell you this, we are often underestimated when it comes to many things, but open-mindedness is one of our most very precious survival skills! I am also proud of your Mom, she seems to be a credit to both motherhood and the BP community. Her advice, understanding and concerns are 'spot on'...you are a lucky child!

Back to you...Yes, you are on the right track! You seem to understand where you are in your search for self-realization AND you display the needed discernment skills, intellect and emotional maturity to accept whatever you may discover. At such a tender young age, these things are by no means standard issue nor to be taken for granted. It seems that you have been raised well, by loving caregivers, and this is a great advantage for you as you move forward. I am very happy for you, I wish I had been in like circumstances while still so young, but hey, this is all about you, not me an' my envy!

As for therapisst in general, yeah, they have done me as much harm as good, perhaps more harm than they could ever realize. But that is because they weren't trained in Gender Dysphoria and the related issues. By trying fit me into a 'normal' identity schema, they cost me years of further pain and suffering...They did help me process and learn coping skill relating to my Bipolar issues and familial strife, among other things, but they left me even more confused about my true self than before I started treatment...

BUT!!!! (If you stick around, you'll find I almost always have a 'but', or two!)...

But, after just ONE session with a real Gender Therapist, I have been set on the correct course toward my real self and true happiness. I cannot tell you what a huge difference it makes to have an accurate assessment by somebody with lots of experience sifting through the many nuances of human gender identity. I can only hope that you are as lucky as I was, and that your therapy proves to be as validating and productive...If not, keep looking, somebody, somewhere, has the tools to help you...

I am looking forward to hearing more about your adventures in this strange and fascinating journey. You have a fine head on your shoulders!

Love and clarity where ever your search leads, Svenna

[Guest John Chiv]

I am glad things went better than you expected. You have trust issues and they are valid and it is okay to step cautiously. You are not alone in that situation. Many of us can relate to you.

The situation with your mother was different than you imagined; maybe the therapist will be yet another step that some people can be trusted. As you sensibly confront your fears; you will see that outcomes don't always have to be what you think they may be.

It is great to see you open up here and allow us to gain your trust. That does not mean you have to rush into anything.

Please keep posting and reaching out.

John

[Guest TheFearfulOne]

Haven't spoken with a GT yet, however, after yesterday I have realized that just as my mother has been saying, I can't properly function at this time.

I do believe I have narrowed down my issue from the more broad "What am I? Am I a Woman trapped in a Man's body? Am I somewhere between? Am I simply a (very) confused man?" Down to "What am I? Who am I?" Or perhaps, even to "Who am I?"

To be honest. Asking myself "Who am I?" is a terrifying thought. On the other hand my mom did mention something that quite surprised me. Apparently back when I was in 5th grade or so I wanted women's something, she doesn't remember WHAT the something was, just that, it very much surprised her, as I had apparently saved up what I could to get it, and she didn't think I was old enough to be interested in such things. This makes me think it was probably undergarments of some kind.

I did ask my mother out of morbid curiosity, what my name would be if I had been born female. She in return asked "What would you want to be called?"

Thinking about that, my first thought was one of the two names I always use for characters I make in games: "Ceranea" or "Liriel". I eventually decided no on those, and continued thinking. Now I have "Kristina" stuck in my head. I do kind of like that though, sounds nice. It's 6:56 A.M. at the moment. Will probably be sending an email to the GT listed on the site who is based down in Indianapolis later today. Not really sure what to say in it other than "I need help. Do you think you can help me?"

[Guest TheFearfulOne]

By the way, can I edit one of my posts before it is accepted? If yes, how? If no, can I edit my posts after they have been accepted? If yes, how?

Regardless, the reason for my wish of an edit, is I was just thinking that "Who am I?" is a much better question than "What am I?" The reason being, in my opinion, the "Who" defines the person. From the "Who" all else regarding that person is derived. I cannot reasonably demand an answer to "What am I?" if I do not even know at the moment, "Who am I?" To demand such an answer, would be foolish in the extreme. It has no real basis generally for it's answer.

By this I mean, if at this time, I ask "What am I?" when I do not even know who I am, someone could answer "You are simply a (very) confused man." I would be forced to take that as fact, even if that is not true, as I not knowing who I am, I would not know it to be false. Additionally, someone could instead say: "You are a woman trapped in a man's body." I would again, be forced to take that as fact, for the same reason as before.

I suppose it is for this reason (in my probably very uninformed opinion), that if someone is thinking these things. They should forget the "What am I?" question, and first focus entirely on the "Who am I?" question. Does that make sense?

[Michelle 2010]

Yes indeed, you have a wonderful Mother

Michelle

[Guest Svenna]

Yes..

It makes sense...

Kristina sounds nice, but your earlier choices were pretty cool, too...

Heavy stuff, huh? deciding who we really are is not for the feint of heart...

Facing who we are may be even more challenging, but here goes....

You are very lucky! Svenna

[Guest TheFearfulOne]

Hmph. You thought I had a wonderful mother eh?

You have good perception. However, said perception is clearly not good enough! Before that however, I was asked to keep everyone updated. For lack of a better place I have decided to use this as my "update thread", so to speak. If there is a better place, please, someone feel free to point it out.

Now then, as I said your perception was clearly not good enough. Reason being, I have not one wonderful parent, I have three .

I talked to my step-mother awhile ago about whether or not the insurance I get through her, would cover therapy, and if so what kind. I ended up feeling I shouldn't lie to/hide my problems from them. As such I sent them a questionnaire. They got the important questions right. . . But the still managed to score under -10 Billion due to the unimportant questions such as: Which is better? A Mac or a PC?

Ignoring the irrelevant questions (they got 99% of those wrong) that I put for my own amusement, they said things basically along the lines of what I expected. Except for the very last part. They revealed there that they had been discussing the possibility of me being a transvestite and/or transgendered in some way since I was about 14. Not going to lie, that helped a lot. I blame my current stability on them and my Mother. As my dad put it "Do whatever you need to to be comfortable in your own skin."

I still. . . Have not gotten in touch with a GT however, beyond brief emails. Cost is an issue. All the same I am more stable now and I have a baseline of goals for the moment:

1. Get a Job (it will probably have to be at or above minimum wage despite my associates, lousy job market!).

2. Save up to continue on towards my bachelor's/get a car/get a new computer.

3. Start Therapy (this one will probably happen first).

4. After getting some funds saved up, start getting my facial hair permanently removed.

5. Work on developing a passing female voice.

6. Get rid of that fat around the stomach area, and cut back on pop!

7. HRT?

Of those, #3 will probably happen first. Then #1. #s 2, 4, and maybe 5, require I have a job to pay for such things. I rely on my mother far too much. Besides, I need to be able to be independent, even if I will be living with my mother until I complete my bachelor's (that is the idea anyways).

The rationale behind getting my facial hair permanently removed, is A: I hate my facial hair anyways! and B: removing it can be a kind of. . . Test I suppose? If I start getting it removed, and I don't like what's happening, it's a warning sign to stop there before I go farther. In addition to this, if I do decide to do HRT (note the If), the process of getting my facial hair removed will already have been started. The rationale behind developing a female voice, is similar, if I do decide to do HRT, I will have already started working on it. The other bit of rationale behind the voice, is even if I do decide to go no farther than this. I can use it to freak people out from time to time.

On the fat. . . I have no real idea what to do about that, besides starting to take daily walks again. Sit ups maybe?

As for HRT, as I have mentioned, I am quite a bit more stable now, in my opinion at least. To be honest, I like the effects of HRT listed in the 7th edition of the SOC. I would in fact, like to try HRT now. However, until I have a job, have a passing female voice, and start getting my facial hair removed, I see no real benefit to HRT. Not to mention I feel I should speak with a GT first. Part of what worries me about HRT, is I kind of see it as the point of no return. If I start it, I go all the way and transition full-time. I honestly don't know if that is what I need, another reason to see a GT and take things slowly. The decision to begin HRT will have life-altering consequences. To rush into a decision like that, in my opinion at least, is not just idiocy, but potential suicide as well. Another worry, is the possibility, that even if I do not rush into, I may end up regretting it on down the line.

We should have the money for me to begin therapy sometime this week, during this week, I will also attempt to find a job somewhere.

My main question for everyone I suppose is, how to go about developing a female voice?

[Guest Svenna]

It sounds like you have been addressing your issues with maturity and resolve. Well done!

Take your time, there is no hurry.

I am at the threshold of HRT myself, and I can tell you this, I am in no hurry to make a mistake of this magnitude at this juncture. I am certain that it will make me feel better, at a minimum, and perhaps start the runaway effect towards living a very happy, fully female life. BUT, as you say, it could be a fatal mistake...I can wait a few more days...haha...

You are lucky in many ways. Make best use of your advantages, you'll be glad you did...

Love and respect, Svenna