Kickin the scaredy cat's booty

[Guest Elena]

Well, I did it. I came out to the one person I was absolutely terrified to come out to last night. My second ex, the one who couldn't handle me even being a CD. I've been agonizing over this for months in part because as my youngest daughters mother she absolutely must know so we can decide together how to approach the parenting issues. I was planning to wait as long as possible because I knew how hard it would be on me. I didn't expect that having to be fully in guy mode when I saw my daughter yesterday was going to hurt more than telling her though. Well it did, I spent 30 minutes in a full out panic attack just to put a pair of mens shorts and a polo shirt on. I knew instantly that I couldn't wait to tell her. That thought had me in tears for another 15 minutes. All of this time I could have spent with my daughter. So I bit the bullet on the way to pick up my little girl and sent my ex a message telling her after I bring G------ home and she is asleep I had to talk with her. She instantly started prying asking what about, I just told her parenting stuff and asked her to please let me do this my way as it is hard enough already.

So after a solid afternoon of playing with my baby then dinner at her favorite spagetti joint. Itook her home and saw her tucked into bed. Joy, now the real hard part.

Well we sat on the front porch, I think it took me 20 minutes to even force a sound out of my throat. I managed a small squeek, then she decided she was fed up with waiting. She started chewing me out for showing up to see my daughter with my nails long and painted. I started bawling then. Which ironically shut her up, she's one of those people who doesn't know how to deal with someone who's crying. She went with 'sit back and it will stop eventually' last night. Well it worked I guess but not exactly helpful, then again I know better than to expect her to be helpful when I am hurting anymore.

It took me about an hour and a half before I got thru telling her and explaining things as best as I could, not because I had that much to say but because it was that hard for me to talk at all. Thankfuly once I got going she just sat back and heard me out, not happily but she didn't interrupt. When she finally responded she only asked for time to process and do some research of her own on how best to deal with it with our daughter. I told her what I had found in my research, how most often it is easier for younger children to adapt, but that I certainly thought she should get her own information.

Well all in all it was every bit as hard for me as I expected, but the end result was better than I had dared hope. At least for now my ex is staying focused on how this affects parenting, and not her personal feelings. I really hope she can keep that focus! Only time will tell though. What I could tell of her reactions she wasn't too suprised, far from happy or being any kind of supportive but I don't need that from her, as long as she will work with me and not try to use it as an excuse to keep our daughter from me. At least she seemed to appreciate how hard it was for me to tell her and that I told her sooner rather than later, so she has time to adjust.

I'm still afraid that she will decide later to make personal, but I will have to trust her to keep the focus on our daughter. That part is very hard for me because she so thoroughly stomped all over any trust I had for her in the past. That is out of my hands however, I can only pray and hope now.

For now, I am just going to be proud of myself for crossing this hurdle.

<3

Elena

[Guest Donna Jean]

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Well, Hon........you've let it out now and all that you can really do is wait and see what the results are from the seeds you've sown....

It's so difficult when children are involved....

Good luck, Hon..

Huggs

Dee Jay

[Guest Emily Ray]

Another example of your outstanding courage.

Huggs

Emily

[Guest Elena]

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Well, Hon........you've let it out now and all that you can really do is wait and see what the results are from the seeds you've sown....

It's so difficult when children are involved....

Good luck, Hon..

Huggs

Dee Jay

Just hoping I sewed the right seeds. :/

Goddess help me, but I am still terrified of how it will all play out. I have already all but lost my oldest daughter from my first ex's petty spite. I am lucky to even be able to text her. I don't think I can survive beiing kept out of both of their lives.

[Guest Michaele]

Elena,

You hit on one of my greatest fears, I have the worlds most transphobic ex in the world. I have the feeling if she got word, her first reaction would be run to court and try to get full custody because in her eyes I'm not normal. when she went my bet is all the members of her homophobic church would be lined up behind her for support.

All I can say is I admire your bravery and since she's thinking about it, this may just be another small hurdle crossed for you.

Big Hugs

Shelley

[Guest Mia J]

Elena,

You did a very brave thing and you showed a lot of courage doing it. Only time will tell what your ex does. No matter what the reasons ex's can cause so many problems when children are involved. I hope your ex has the maturity not to go that direction.

Mia

[Guest Elena]

Thanks Emily, Shelly and Mia! I don't feel very brave, but I guess it's kind of the definition of bravery. Being afraid and doing it any ways. Never feels quite like bravery to me though. All I know is that I am still a bit shaky a day and a half later. I got my HRT Letter and references to several doctors Sunday and can't even get excited about that! How sad is that, ohh my gods, that should be enough to put me over the moon and clear to Tau Ceti. Instead it's a small comfort.

Even knowing my ex is the operations manager for a child advocacy law firm and knows better than anyone how important it is for parents to put the kids first and save the personal stuff for when it won't affect the kids doesn't help, because I have almost no trust in her anymore. I know I should be able to trust her on this, but there is nothing left but fear of being betrayed again. Scared to death she'll look for some biggoted phsychiatrist who will tell h er to keep me away from my baby girl at all costs, because that's what she wants to hear not because it's what is really best. I'm not strong enough to go thru that fight again, especially after losing it the first time.

I know I've done what I had to, not talking with her before the changes started becoming noticeable would only have gauranteed she would have tried to push me out of our daughter's life. But there is still that possibility, and nothing else I can really do to stop her from going that road. Cept maybe praying, begging and crying. All of which I am doing plenty of .

<3

Elrna