I don't know what I am...

[Guest Rainn]

Hi everyone, I'm new to the forum.

I am 19, biologically female. I've looked up to trans people ever since I can remember, I've always felt I could relate to them in some way.

I've been questioning my gender since I was 13. I don't remember a whole lot about my childhood. I was isolated from the outside world pretty much my entire life (Not my fault, my dad forced me to be...) so I do remember I was a very depressed and lonely child. I was also confused all the time, but I can't remember why..

Anyway, I was always a huge tomboy growing up. And I never wanted breasts or periods, I still don't. I was angry when I got both those things, I wanted to reward time so that I'd have a flat chest again. But I knew that that wasn't possible so I began wishing I had been born male.

I'm so embarressed by the fact that I have breasts. I can't afford any type of binder right now, unfortunately. But I wear hoodies that are way too big for me every single day, even in the summer time. It sort of hides them, especially since they're small..

Oh yeah, I also remember that when all 3 of my brothers hit puberty and their voices started to change, I was so jealous. I wanted my voice to change just like theirs did. I can't remember how I felt when it never did, probably disappointed or something.. I have a very girly voice and I've always felt like I should have a deeper one.

I've always wanted to grow up to be an old man, not an old woman. I actually thought I was going to grow up to be an old man at one point in my life. I was disappointed when I found out that that wasn't the case.

I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror. I know I'm not ugly or whatever. I guess I just feel like there should be a guy in the mirror.. When I'm dressed like a guy and look in the mirror, I feel like that's my true self.

Not a day goes by that I don't wish I were a man. Every single day I have thoughts where if I do little things (I.e. turn a doorknob, touch a chair, etc) then I'll turn into a man. No, I'm not joking. And I do realize that that's not possible without hormones and surgery. But I can't help but act on those thoughts. Those thoughts get to me sometimes, I wish they would go away.

I feel like I'd be 1000 x's happier if I were male. And I want my parents to recognize me as their son.

And this may sound weird, but when I hear guys being called ''Him'' and ''He'' and even ''Boyfriend'' . Those words sound so familiar, I feel as if I should be being called by male pronouns as well, instead of female ones. I hope that makes sense. Also, when women make insulting comments about guys, I get so insulted. But... I also sorta get insulted when men insult women. But maybe that's just because I look like a girl and everybody thinks of me as one...? I don't know..

Also, I feel I should probably mention this: Nobody knows this but, I was sexually abused by my own brother when I was 14. The abuse wasn't severe, it was actually very mild. But sometimes I think all these feelings of me wanting to be male were caused by the abuse...

Anyway, sorry, this is probably long. But I've been feeling really lost and confused lately. So any opinions on what I might be would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

[Guest Susan57]

Hello Rainn,

Welcome to Laura's. There are a lot of people here who can discuss the things you mentioned in your post. I wonder if you would have gotten more feedback if you posted it in the introduction category--maybe just repost the same text and see what happens. (It seems that the transgenderist forum really slowed down this past summer--not sure why but others seem to keep going well)

Each of us go through many phases on our journey and I am in a phase where I do not feel particularly enlightened to give feedback or advice. But I do want to encourage you to keep writing and posting here as a way of exploring your feelings. Once in a while you will come to realize something new about yourself.

Do you have any opportunity to see a gender therapist? A good one can do wonders in helping you.

I have not said anything more than welcome in these few sentences but I really hope you will come back and write some more. Maybe you can just look for other posts that get your attention that you can respond to.

Be good to yourself -- hugs.

Susan

[Guest yeahitsalexander]

I can understand where you are coming from. I spent some time trying to find myself and reading up on the trans world in general everything I could possibly find. I think the only way to find out who you truly are is just to take a step back and look and who you really are. If you can go see a therapist then do it! i wish i could afford it so I could get my T letter, but good luck to you