From there to ?

[Guest Michellewhois]

Hi all! I've been lingering around Laura's for almost 4 months now and finally felt it was time to shed a little light on who I am. I've read several of your BIOS and finally felt the courage to bring me out into the world. Some of you that have rambled around the net, may have heard this bio on other T sites but because of my paranoid nature (I have been outed twice) I have changed my net name several times over the years.

Well here goes; I am presently a 59 year old that has is married to the same wonderful person for the last 34 years now. I live more on the androgynous side of life than anything. I do this for several reasons. My present job is working for the government, in a male dominated career, where I hide in plain sight. I've learned that where my life partner (a GG) and children accept me, my daughters' boyfriend and husband do not. I have been told by my lesbian sister that if I wish to visit her home I have to do it presenting totally as male and have overheard the jokes that my sisters tell about my brother who is a part time CD. I also found (purely by stupidity as explained in another post) that I cannot do HRT without the fear of clots.

I don't want this to turn into a book so I'll just give a few significant high-lites. For the first 6 years of my life, I was always playing with girls my age and treated as an equal to my friends. I even remember getting panties for Christmas when I was five ( I guess Mom found a really good sale that year). I sometimes wore hand-me-down clothes from my sister.

At 6, my confusion really started when I was abused by a teenage boy (14) who told me I was his girlfriend. The real confusion started when my Mother, on finding out that we were having sex, told him to just stop seeing me. Then she chastised me for not waiting till I was older and married then told me that I needed to go to confession. Even my girl friends stayed away from me when they found out. I remained a loner for a long time.

At 13 I was raped by two older boys that found out about what Danny had done to me at 6. In their words "If I loved sex back then, I should love it now." I guess it didn't help their perception of my gender since I wore unisex outer clothes, panties and bras (I have gynecomastia and have grown to a natural B cup). I wore my hair long in a ponytail and sometimes put on light makeup, but that was the 60's.

At 15, I met a girl who became my BFF. The first time I met her she quietly informed me that my bra showed through my shirt. Mary accepted me as a female and she helped me find my way into the ever bewildering world of becoming a woman. She later introduced me to a boy who treated me as a woman (AH puppy love). It didn't last because he was outed as gay and changed schools.

At 18, I joined the military where I stayed somewhat hidden for 24 years. For my first 10 years, I dated several guys who accepted me for being female in our relationship but I also dated girls more so that I could hide from the military. The 70's and 80's were pure hell for gay and trans folks in the military.

I also met my Life Partner during that time. I have to freely admit that I got involved with her partly because I needed, not only someone to love but a symbol that I was male. I came out to her right after we were married but she rejected that side of me. So in an effort to remain in a relationship, I closed off that part of me.

I had left active duty and became a reservist for 3 1/2 years. My feelings and emotions came back strong when, during the 8 1/2 months that she was pregnant, I suffered from Couvade syndrome, also called sympathetic pregnancy. When my daughter was born, my maternal instincts came rushing out. For the first year of my daughter's life, I was home as housewife and a part time Mom. I rejoined active duty when my partner left her job for medical reasons.

At 31, after being caught changing after work by my wife (I used to wear panties and sometimes bras under my uniform), we had a confrontation that lasted 3 days and nights. After many tears, yelling matches, accusations then a rational discussion, she finally realized that I am who I am and could never change that fact.

For 10 years after leaving the military, I became an over the road driver where I was free to live almost full time as a woman. This is also the time frame that I stupidly attempted to use hormones without a doctor's supervision. It was a decision that almost cost me my life (Deep Vein Thrombosis). After my proper chastising by my doctor and my recovery, I took a good HARD look at what I had done. I was advised by not only my regular doctor but an Endocrinologists that I was prone to developing clots. It was my agonizing decision to remain with one foot on each side of the gender barrier.

Today, I have learned to utilize both sides of my gender equation. I sometimes still long to get my body in line and to put to rest the confusion that was for so long a big part of my life but I've learned that I'm happy to be alive. I am content with being just me.

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Michelle,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have Androgyne meetings Sat & Weds 9pm est est and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna