3rd visit with my Gender Therapist...next stop, HRT!

[Guest Svenna]

Okay, time for my weekly update!

Therapy is going very well for me. My PTSD nightmares have stopped, the key being that I now always recognize my femaleness in the dream state and that has empowered me to change the outcomes in a positive way. I am simplifying the process in my description, but the results speak for themselves. I have been sleeping through the night for over a week now, and I actually feel pretty well and rested. Realizing that my night terrors are interwoven with my gender dysphoria has released me from much anxiety, This new development alone was worth the price of admission, easily..

Much talk about how to come out to my SO has yielded some hope, but no clear answers. Ultimately, my SO is going to need some therapy of her own and we will surely need some couples counseling before too long... I have my fingers crossed, but I don't control how others feel, eventually I will have to just let the chips fall where they may...ugh..

My therapist feels she will be able to write my letter for HRT next week!!!!! She gave me some handouts covering the essential information about being on the hormone regimen and the side effects, risks etc...I've got my fingers crossed!!

I have been exposing my real self every where I go, even if I am still in 'male' clothes. My transition has already begun, whether I am dressed in female clothes or not, whether I ever enjoy the benefits of HRT and SRS or not, I can no longer fit back inside my old, 'male' shell. I am coming out whether I want to or not, it seems...and I am okay with that, in fact, I am actually very happy about it...

Lots of serious reflection and grief as I watch the old me fade away, but even more joy, hope and optimism than I had ever imagined swells upward and fills these same voids.

I am what I am, and even I cannot prevent myself from being the real me anymore...

Love and every kindness to all, Svenna

(DID I mention the HRT letter next week? WOW!! )

[JenniferB]

Hi Svenna,

My feelngs are mixed. I am very happy that you are close to starting HRT, yet concerned about the risk of losing everything. At least you understand and accept the consequences. Plus I doubt this will happen and you are going to be surprised how many close friends and relatives will be accepting.

I hope everything works out and won't lose much.

{{{Hugs}}}

Jenny

[JJ]

Svenna,

A huge hug to you! You have come a long way and I have been impressed with your insights and understanding of the situation and whay you must do in your life to realize yourself.

Wonderful news about the HRT. It sounds as if your therapist is as impressed as I have been.

Some people say HRT doesn't work miracles-and in a sense that is of course true-but in another sense because it frees us from the prison of our own bodies and gives us a chance to express who we really are, because it does feminize for MtFs as T masculinizes for FtMs, it does perform a miracle. At least in my view.

May the experience be all that you expect. I am sure that your expectations are realistic and you know that it is slow-as it really needs to be. At the same time one day you wake up and say "Wow! That was fast" when you see someone you can really relate to in the mirror.

You are about to get on a roller coaster-enjoy the ride!

Hugs

Johnny

[Guest]

Hi Svenna,

Congratulations on the GT, the PTSD, and the HRT! That's a wonderful resolution to so many things!

My soulmate and I have made it through our transiton. One thing that I did was to give her a lot of time. Your spouse may need that time too: this is a new and shocking revelation to most spouses; it changes the dynamics of the family so completely, that it takes time to process it all. Not to ask you to slow down: I understand that transition has that runaway freight train aspect to it, but to perhaps include a wider scope as part of the transition process: Your spouse's transition is yours too. I like to think of it as that nurturing thing that I never was able to do: growing our relationship and love as a motherly aspect that was untapped in my old self.

All the best to you!

Love, Megan

[Guest Svenna]

Hi Svenna,

My feelngs are mixed.

Mine too! "Mixed" is actually an understatement of epic proportions...

I am very happy that you are close to starting HRT, yet concerned about the risk of losing everything. At least you understand and accept the consequences. Plus I doubt this will happen and you are going to be surprised how many close friends and relatives will be accepting.

I am treading as lightly as I can manage, in the sincere hope to preserve and improve my life with my SO. But unless I allow myself to risk losing the love of my life, then I will certainly lose the love of my own life forever. It is a no-win proposition as it stands, but perhaps, just perhaps, a win-win in the yet to be realized future...

I hope everything works out and won't lose much.

Amen to that, sister!

{{{Hugs}}}

Jenny

[Guest Svenna]

Svenna,

A huge hug to you! You have come a long way and I have been impressed with your insights and understanding of the situation and whay you must do in your life to realize yourself.

Thanks, Johnny. I had 50 years to break this thing down into small enough pieces to hide easily. Once I took it upon myself to go and collect all the little pieces of the real me that I hid throughout my life history, the pieces all snapped right into place. No matter how many times I recompute the data, the answer keeps coming up 'trans'. I have avoided this diagnosis since long before I ever heard the term. But alas, whatever the little bits are in the brain that house one's soul, well, my soul-house is female. No amount of grieving will make me genetic girl, no amount of self-deciet can make me experience reality through male eyes. I am physically somewhere in between the worlds of X and Y, but my mind sees the world from an X perspective almost exclusively. I feel the world as a female feels, inside and out. Not much doubt in my mind about who I am, just a bit of doubt about how to best become the best I can be...

Wonderful news about the HRT. It sounds as if your therapist is as impressed as I have been.

She is great. What a gem she is...

Some people say HRT doesn't work miracles-and in a sense that is of course true-but in another sense because it frees us from the prison of our own bodies and gives us a chance to express who we really are, because it does feminize for MtFs as T masculinizes for FtMs, it does perform a miracle. At least in my view.

My immediate goals with HRT center around one need exclusively, that being, 'feeling better'. At the outset I am looking for the psychological relief from T. For me, this is the litmus test for my transition. If hormones don't make me feel better, then I need to seriously reconsider my options and formulate a new plan. I will continue to transition into a female lifestyle with or without further modifications, regardless.

May the experience be all that you expect. I am sure that your expectations are realistic and you know that it is slow-as it really needs to be. At the same time one day you wake up and say "Wow! That was fast" when you see someone you can really relate to in the mirror.

At the core, I hope I can actually make the entire transition from MtF, and I hope for the best outcomes for surgery and beyond, but feeling better is a heck of a good start. I can afford to take a little more time if I need too, I guess. I'd really like to be beautiful after all is said and done, I know that seems shallow and all, but hey, I can be shallow...lol!

You are about to get on a roller coaster-enjoy the ride!

Thank you, Johnny!

Love, Svenna

Hugs

Johnny

[Guest Svenna]

Hi Svenna,

Congratulations on the GT, the PTSD, and the HRT! That's a wonderful resolution to so many things!

The elegance to the solution defies belief! So simple, yet so hard to digest...who'da thunk it?

My soulmate and I have made it through our transiton. One thing that I did was to give her a lot of time. Your spouse may need that time too: this is a new and shocking revelation to most spouses; it changes the dynamics of the family so completely, that it takes time to process it all. Not to ask you to slow down: I understand that transition has that runaway freight train aspect to it, but to perhaps include a wider scope as part of the transition process: Your spouse's transition is yours too. I like to think of it as that nurturing thing that I never was able to do: growing our relationship and love as a motherly aspect that was untapped in my old self.

I have been omitting my old male behaviors from our life together and we have been growing closer as a result, but sooner or later, the proverbial manure will hit the air-circulation device and it will be a long night, at a minimum!

I am working slowly, but surely, toward bridging the reality gap. But I know I have to be willing to pump the brakes once in a while. I am impatient, I have been trapped for half a century and ONE person stands between me and my freedom to self-express. This is long in coming and difficult to contain. I want to celebrate, not negotiate. I hate the lie that there is anything to actually negotiate, as my transition is, for me, a foregone conclusion. Arghh! I'm trying to juggle chainsaws and torches here, sometimes! But soon, I keep promising myself this, that soon, very soon, I can finally be ME. Finally...

All the best to you!

Thank you, I appreciate your advice. I'm trying to stay focused on the bigger picture, for now!

Love, Svenna

Love, Megan

[Guest Elena]

Okay, time for my weekly update!

I have been exposing my real self every where I go, even if I am still in 'male' clothes. My transition has already begun, whether I am dressed in female clothes or not, whether I ever enjoy the benefits of HRT and SRS or not, I can no longer fit back inside my old, 'male' shell. I am coming out whether I want to or not, it seems...and I am okay with that, in fact, I am actually very happy about it...

Lots of serious reflection and grief as I watch the old me fade away, but even more joy, hope and optimism than I had ever imagined swells upward and fills these same voids.

I am what I am, and even I cannot prevent myself from being the real me anymore...

Isn't just an awesome place to find yourself?! Sounds like about exactly what I was experiencing just a few months ago. I phrased it as reaching critical mass, and suddenly I'm in the middle of an avalanche. I did all that reflection and embraced it all, it really was such a welcome relief! Now suddenly I am staring Full Time in the face. Wow!

It all started with one day of my brain saying, "Nope, sorry, this is how it's gonna be! If you got a problem with it, tough patooties! I refuse to be secretly appeased anymore!"

Now lately, I've been watching your progress, and identifying with so much of what you have shared. Constantly cheering for you, and crying with you. Now, I am laughing and crying with you again, so happy for you!

<3

Elena

[Guest Ariel Patterson]

^^ Thats such great news! I'm so happy for you Svenna! I know what you mean about being a woman even in male mode. Thats exactly what I'm going through. ^^" I carry my purse even when not presenting. Paint my nails, wear make-up, walk the walk and talk the talk. The girl is not in the wig or the clothes, right? She is you.

[Guest Svenna]

The girl is not in the wig or the clothes, right? She is you.

Amen to that, Ariel!

I am her, she is me, and we are ready to live as one....time to pull this all together...

Thanks for your support!

Love, Svenna

[Guest Svenna]

Okay, time for my weekly update!

I have been exposing my real self every where I go, even if I am still in 'male' clothes. My transition has already begun, whether I am dressed in female clothes or not, whether I ever enjoy the benefits of HRT and SRS or not, I can no longer fit back inside my old, 'male' shell. I am coming out whether I want to or not, it seems...and I am okay with that, in fact, I am actually very happy about it...

Lots of serious reflection and grief as I watch the old me fade away, but even more joy, hope and optimism than I had ever imagined swells upward and fills these same voids.

I am what I am, and even I cannot prevent myself from being the real me anymore...

Isn't just an awesome place to find yourself?! Sounds like about exactly what I was experiencing just a few months ago. I phrased it as reaching critical mass, and suddenly I'm in the middle of an avalanche. I did all that reflection and embraced it all, it really was such a welcome relief! Now suddenly I am staring Full Time in the face. Wow!

It all started with one day of my brain saying, "Nope, sorry, this is how it's gonna be! If you got a problem with it, tough patooties! I refuse to be secretly appeased anymore!"

Now lately, I've been watching your progress, and identifying with so much of what you have shared. Constantly cheering for you, and crying with you. Now, I am laughing and crying with you again, so happy for you!

<3

Elena

Elena,

Thank you for your feedback and for sharing your experience with me. I've been following your posts with a keen eye, also! Gals like yourself empower the rest of us that are trailing behind. It does seem like it was just yesterday that I finally faced my transness head on and without fear and shame and yet here I am on the brink of transitioning already. How can prevent the inevitable, how can one evade the truth, how does one pretend that there has been some kind of mistake? How? Well, just look at my previous 50 years of life and the answers are right there. Every possible 'alternate answer' had been tried and tested, yet the solutions never worked. Not until I stopped rejecting 'trans' as the answer, then suddenly, everything clicked and made sense. Everything. How does one refute EVERYTHING? lol? Time to face the facts, I'm afraid, hehe...

Yep, I'm a transwoman. Dang it! I was hoping for an easier answer...oh well...Better be the best transwoman I can be, then, I suppose...

Look out world, Svenna is stepping onto the HRT Express.

Next stop? We'll see!

Love and mutual respect, Svenna