Has Anyone Experienced Something Like This

[Guest emeweme]

(posted this elsewhere so sorry to people who have seen it before, I just didn't get any replies and it's been bothering me lately)

Ever since I was little, I have had this huge fear of people thinking I was a boy, knowing that I should be a girl. I would wear boys' jeans and a sweatshirt to school every day, but I didn't see that as a gender thing, I just new that girls' jeans were the most disgusting horrible thing in the whole world. I learned to wear them later, but at the time, I dressed androgynously at best. So anyway, back to the point, for some reason I had a full on pit in my stomach hard to breathe fear that someone was going to mistake my gender. Once, I was in a car with my friends when they saw someone who looked like a 'sheman' as they said (I didn't see the person). They laughed at and made fun of this person. I wanted to say something along the lines of "that's not nice," but I didn't. I was too busy trying to make myself as inconspicuous as possible, because I was having a mini panic attack about them noticing me while they were on the subject and basically realizing that I wasn't a girl or something of the sort. I have actually never looked at them the same since, because the incident disturbed me so much. That's not the only time I've felt like this, but it's the most impactful. On other occasions I have convinced myself that people mistook me for a guy when I was supposed to be a girl (inaccurately, and I knew it too) and gotten kind of freaked out about that. I don't know why, but it's the only thing that could get me close to panic. However, once I realized that being trans existed, I've been secure in wearing androgynous clothes, sitting in male ways, wearing no makeup, and basically making myself once again as androgynous as possible. I have no recollection of knowing I was a boy as a child, but I totally acted like one. So yeah... anyone else?

[Guest Cal]

Well growing up I was always always always mistaken for a boy, and then when I was with people who thought I was a boy and people who knew I was a "girl" at the same time, I'd be anxious and nervous that someone was going to call me he and then someone else was going to correct them. I can't tell you how many times that's happened. Someone says "oh I was talking to him" or whatever, and the person becomes a gender vigilante and feels the need to blurt "[name] IS A GIRL," as if that's somehow doing me a favor. Or the other way around, which might even be worse. I'm with people who know me as a boy, and I'm with people who know me as a girl (and I don't have two different modes - I'm always in BOY MODE, but the people just know that I'm anatomically female so they refer to me by female pronouns)...anyway, someone will call me "she" and all the people who thought I was "he" get so confused and awkward. I can see it all over their faces and in their body language. Usually they say "WAIT, SHE??" in this horrible voice, or they're like "WAIT, WHO??" because they don't know who the other person was talking about, or they just completely don't hear it at all, because what they see is more powerful than what they hear. My mom used to make fun of how she could call me "she" five times in a sentance to someone, and they would still call me her son at the end of the interaction.

This used to happen. Now I don't let people call me by female pronouns. My friend called me she a few months ago and I told him I was going to kill him with my Xbox controller. Me and him aren't friends anymore because apparently I "over react" about the "girl thing" way too much, and he sent me a message on Myspace saying I'm not a guy, never will be, and to stop trying because I'm a pathetic mistake. Anyway that's beside the point.

Recently, after I've managed to erradicate the use of female pronouns on me to almost zero (did that make sense?), I have a new paranoia. I'm horribly worried that people think I'm a girl when they see me. People passing by on the street, customers, people I'll NEVER see again. I'm terrified that when they pass by me they lable me as GIRL/LESBIAN/BUTCH/TOMBOY/GIRLGIRLGIRL. The thought of this happening horrifies me to no end.

[Guest sar-bear]

i understand i`v actually been feeling that way lately

so no worries

sarah xox

[Guest Sergei]

I completely understand. When I was younger I couldn't even go out, because I was so worried about people mistaking me. I couldn't use public toilets, and the fear of everything completely took over my life. I pass as male constantly now. But even if occassionly I get mistaken as female it doesn't bother me. It's just getting older, and realising that you can't let silly things like what other people think or say ruin your life. If people want to laugh at me because I look unusual well that's fine, It's there problem, they're ignorant, and it's not mine.

[Guest sphere]

I agree with Cal a lot, he hit the nail on the head there.

Well deep down I feel like I've always sort of known subconsciously I was a boy and I was always the biggest tomboy ever. The problem for me was mainly that even when I was little I was a very perverted and sexual creature, hahaha. But I didn't like girls. I liked boys. This confused the crap out of me. I knew that boys liked girls and girls liked girly things, so sometimes I'd suppress my feelings if I wanted to impress them (LOL) but at the same time I wanted to be "one of the guys" and prove I was the strongest/fastest/manliest of all (god I was INCREDIBLY competitive about this).

When puberty hit I dressed more like a guy than ever and I absolutely loathed what was happening to me, every minute all I wanted to do was to just chop off my chest (I was born with OCD so this anatomical stuff bothers me endlessly and I'm losing my mind over it) and my strive to be manlier than Chuck Norris was stronger than ever, especially since then all the boys started gaining muscle and I couldn't out run them any more which I hated sosososo much. Though in public I got mistaken for a boy a lot but I actually liked it. I remember when my sister and I had a dentist appointment and the dentist was just like "so you're her brother huh? blahdeblahblah..." and it made me feel awkward knowing that yeah I was supposed to be a girl but I was pleased with it anyway.

People in Elementary school and especially in middle school called me a lesbian a lot which I hated, because in order to be lesbian you have to dig chicks and you have to be a chick and I felt like neither of those fit me at all. So in seventh and part of eighth grade I suppressed a lot of those sort of feelings I had then and this all went downhill and my anxiety issues I've been struggling with my entire life just escalated into a really really bad social anxiety and I got extremely depressed and even suicidal. This lasted all throughout seventh and eighth grade, even when in the second semester of 8th grade I discovered that the word "transsexual" described me perfectly and even after I stopped suppressing it so much... But after I started binding and I cut my hair it was actually pretty good for my confidence, and then this summer I've been working with my therapist who I came out to and now I'm a lot better with this anxiety thing though it's still there and it's still sort of crippling.

AND THAT IS THE STORY OF MY LIFE. dang i wrote a novel right there

[Guest Konnor]

It sounds like Sphere knows me exactly, haha. Everything he talked about is what I've gone through!...I always get the whole "oh, you're her brother?" thing, which makes me happy. I love to be out in public with my family and get mistaken for "a nice young man". My family does the thing Cal talked about...like "that's a GIRL" or "SHE is very nice, yes" and it bugs the crap out of me! Haha, I definitely have the "Chuck Norris complex" too...I have to be the biggest, toughest, fastest, etc. of all the guys I hang out with, I feel like I have to prove myself. All I can say is that none of you are alone in the way you feel, we've all been at these stages in our lives. The best thing I've found to help get through these rough times is a good support system. Surround yourself with people who can relate to you and who accept you for who you really are. These people will help you get over the people who want to tear you down and tell you how "wrong" you are. Everyone here at Laura's is here to help you, don't be afraid to ask!! Good luck!!

[Guest Timortinel]

I have no recollection of knowing I was a boy as a child, but I totally acted like one.

When I was younger I didn't think about gender at all, even though I had a vague idea what girl and boy meant, it just didn't relate to me. The first I memory I can think of when I thought about myself as a boy, is when I played football/soccer at school with the guys in my class and I got hit really hard in my head by a ball, and I felt like crying, but didn't allow myself to, because I thought "boys don't cry", so I just said I was fine and ignored the pain, and I got irritated because everyone made a greater fuss over me than if another boy was hurt.

but at the same time I wanted to be "one of the guys" and prove I was the strongest/fastest/manliest of all (god I was INCREDIBLY competitive about this).

Woah, I can really identify myself in this, all my life I've always felt like I have to prove to all guys around me, that I'm not just as good as they are physically, I'm even better. Honestly, I'm still like this, you don't want to come near me at PE classes in school, I'm really agressive sometimes, especially if it's football/soccer or basketball training

[Guest Evan_J]

Actually when I was small I was constantly mistaken for a boy and hated it. Sounds backwards no? But then I wanted really really badly to "be normal"/fit in.

[Flint]

When i was little i used to hang around with kids a little younger than me...i'm not proud to say it but i used this ti my advantage kids believe anything you tell them, i told them i was a boy i told them my parents had gotten my gender mixed up and thats why they called me my birthname (That was so obvioulsy a female name) they believed this. i went from different names Tony, Steven, Kevin...."Kevin" was my play name, you know when you play those pretend games when little. I was always a character called Kevin or Tony. Anyways these friends fades one moved another, well i think their parents basicly warned them against me as i was older and such things and probably cause they recognised that i was lying to their child. Although in my head i don't think i was sure if i was lying or not as i felt like aboy and didn't understand girls at all. Now i had to make new friends on the street, this time i didn't lie, but i was very sad and withdrawn now i couldn;t be that boy i always was. Outside of my street i was ALWAYS withdrawn as in school i was seen as a girl, I had the oposite fear in way that my friends from the street who had started school would realise i was really a girl...anyways as withdrawn and isolated i became i still began to fear being 'mistaken' for a boy, out of the humiliation it would have caused when someone would 'correct them or they'd later realise my name was female.

What i'm saying really is that it's actually understandable that even though we want to be recognised as a boy and feel like a boy, that when everyone you know sees you as a girl it's understandable you fear being 'mistaken' for a boy. I had this fear all through high school and when i went out anywhere with family people often he'd me beore i was out to my mum, dad and sister the humiliation of standing there with 'friends' or family when someone 'mistakes' you for a boy is unbearable if you ask me. so i began to fear going out alot still do today as not all my family know, like grandparents and aunties and all them don't know. Not that it's hard to guess! I mean i defo don't look that female anymore.

[Guest Mr. Fox]

Actually when I was small I was constantly mistaken for a boy and hated it. Sounds backwards no? But then I wanted really really badly to "be normal"/fit in.

This thread made me happy to know that I am not the only one who felt this way as a child. I remember a boy I disliked in kindergarten, who would always say "[Androgynous nickname] is a boy's name!". It distressed me so. I also made a very vague effort in very young grades to wear feminine clothing. I remember at a concert we could wear a skirt or pants, but I wore a skirt because I felt like I had something to prove. Funnily enough, most of the girls wore pants. I got over this little stage quickly enough, however (okay, it took years).

I do not identify with the physical prowess thing. I do not want someone to pick me for their team because I am terrible at sports and hate exercise with a passion, always have.

Adrian