Ugh. I dont know what to feel. >.<

[Guest Izzybell]

Hey, everyone. Sorry if I seem like I'm whining or anything here; I know there are a lot of people with much much bigger problems than me on here than me so I always just feel like I'm complaining wheb I ask for advice. >.< Anyway, I'm posting here because I've been wrestling with the idea that I might be more of a gay male rather than seeing myself as female, and I really don't know what I'm suppose to feel. There is a part of me that's always wanted to be female, but sometimes I feel like I would rather people see me as male, or that I'm more attracted to gay males, and that scares me for some reason. I mean, I have no problems with myself being gay, but I don't know why I'm afraid to be that. Then I start to worry that I'm homophobic, or that I've been predisposed to stigmas toward homosexuality and Ugh, another OCD loop starts! >.< And this has been making me really depressed lately. I have been talking about this with my GT, but I'm still feeling depressed in between appointments and my next one isn't until Wednesday. I'm just worried that this fear is going to prevent me from finding out who I am, or if the answer will be something I don't want or something. Sorry for the long post. I kind of just rambled for a whole paragraph. Heck, I don't even know what I'm asking here. Lol I just don't know how I want people to see me, or what to even tell people I am. I'm sorry if I'm being repeatative, and annoying . I sometimes do that when I write stuff. >.<

[Guest Melanie54]

Well you are seeing your therapist so you are definitely on the right track. Sounds like a bit of soul searching is in order to kinda discover yourself. Maybe make a list of various scenarios and see how you feel about them. I used that to kinda help me zero in on what I felt so maybe it will work for you.

Also feel free to come and rant anytime.

Madison.

[Guest Aly Kat]

Well life's not a race... maybe you could try testing the waters a bit =) do you have any female friends you could have like a girls night or something and see how that makes you feel?

I know for me personally I've always felt really dysphoric when presenting male and getting things like, "Wow! Nice muscles" or "hey bro" (ok I'm pretty sure nobody said either of those things but they're just examples) really made me depressed. I've also always liked men but have been uncomfortable identifying as "gay" because that's not how I saw myself (I wanted a heterosexual relationship)

And btw mtf "transgender" doesn't necessarily mean that you want everyone to see you as female... it's an umbrella term for what I believe to be a spectrum of gender & a spectrum of orientation variance... AkA everybody's special <3

I dunno... peace love and hugs!!!

Alison

[Guest Izzybell]

Yeah, my GT is also trained in hypnosis and meditation, and she's going to teach me some meditation techniques that don't involve visualization. My dyslexia makes it difficult to visualize things, I've never been too successful when trying to focus my thoughts. And my old therapist actually told me to list scenarios, too! It helped me get this far (which is a lot further than where I used to be) so I should try it again.

And this is totally the wrong place to ask, but do you play bass? (I'm just guessing from your avatar. Lol ) I play as well.

Aly Kat,

My dad is telling me the same thing. I guess I just feel like others around me know where they're going, it makes me feel like I need to know where I am. But I'm sure they're finding themselves as well, so I guess I should try to catch my breath. And I came out to my best friend's ex last week. (Don't worry, they're still good friends. XD) But she's offered to give me a make over and wants me to at least dress for Halloween. Lol So, yeah, I'm hoping a girls night isn't too far. It basically depends on when I get enough confidence.

And I've also never really seen myself as gay. I've even been in love with a few women. But now that I'm starting to accept who I am, I can't really seem to figure out if I could be happy as a gay male even though I've never had an emotional connection with men, if that makes sense. I guess I'm just worried that the idea that I don't want to be gay is going to make me indecisive the rest of my life, and that scares me, too. >.< But I should probably take it step by step for now instead of trying to make leaps.

-Izzy