Wrong approach, or?

[Guest KimSecure]

Hi! I'm a 18 year old born male from Norway and this is my last year in school before I start 1 1/2 years a trainee.

I've since puberty had lots of mixed up feelings, I've been dreaming about, wishing, and honestly begging sometimes that I was born a girl instead. During my growth, there were little to none information regarding this subject and I felt so confused, at the age of 14 or 15 i saw a documentary about children with transgender condition and couldn't but feel facinated and feeling that something finally made sence, but I was watching this while at a friends house, he beeing (I believe) trasphobic he laughed at them and called them freaks, and I just tried to smile and "yeah..." And with that I felt so ashamed of my feelings tried to bury them and focus on school, but on a regular basis these thoughts allways came up in my head.

Finally I decided to read more about the subject and found lots of informative pages, and really found it interesting, but upon reading that one would become sterile something just changed in my head "Okay, you've read about this things now, if you want your own children STFU and forget about this crap." This worked fantastic, beeing drowned with school and constaly new computer games I never got "urges" again, but now latelly, this last half year I've really hit a wall. I couldn't stopp thinking about it and stopped speaking with all of my friends, just sat in my room for days trying to find out what these feelings were, and honestly how I could get them away. This completly broke me apart, I stopped eating, sleeping and having a mayor depression, what should i do? I thought to my self. I was reading some stories about people and how they did the whole coming out thing, and one thing totally scared me, "I felt like life or death, either transition or I kill myself", upon reading this I got really woried. I didn't want it to get this out of hand, to the point where I would consider suicide.

I needed to tell somebody, but me only having friends with deep Gay - Lesbian - Bisexual- and Trasphobic I were horified and didn't know where to go to. I found the Norwegian Transgender community page and started reading, but beeing a small country there is only 3 centers around the country, the one closest is 1-2 hours with car. Then I sat down, I've allways trusted my parents and I've allways felt i could tell them anything, but was this one of the things one would tell your parents first? I finnaly decided, love it, whatever they do, it can't be worse that the starving, sleepless person that I'm now! I wrote my feelings and thoughts on a paper, just sat there writing. and ended up with a "book" of 3 full pages, more than most of my school essays! I took this letter with me and ventured towards our livving room where my mom sat.

When I entered the room she could clearly see something was wrong with me and asked me if I wanted to tell here. I managed to get out a short small "yes" and sat down next to her. I had a hard time even making a sound, I just wanted to run out off here again, but I knew it was for the best for me. She started "guessing" what my issues were: "Is it drugs? Have somebody done something to you? Have you done somthing towards someone? Have you joined a gang? Have you done something criminal? Are you gay?" I could by this time see she was getting really worried, so I just handled her my letter and let out a short "Read..." While reading I could see here eyes starting to get wet and I felt so ashamed for telling someone about me, but on the same time so free! After she had read the letter she just: "Oh god, you got me all worried about nothing! It's nothing wrong with you, we will guide you through your transition and allways support you! But, we gotta tell this to your dad." After she said that I had the same fear as before, but worse, I don't want my dad seeing my crying like this and hearing storries like that about me... But I knew it was the right thing to do, so I just noded and my mom ran out and called him and told him to come right now.

When he came home he saw me sitting in the sofa crying and my mom told him "Your son told me this personally, but has it written down, please read this letter" and so he sat down. At this point I just hold my ears and started crying uncontrolably, hes going to be so angry! I could see him flik the pages over, tearing apart the bindings I had made. "He's going to kill me for sure". But as soon as he finished: "Okay."

"I thought it was something horifying like he's dead in a ditch or something" he was smiling, but I could see the sadness in his eyes. After this we had a long talk about stuff, how it's possible to do this through hormones and stuff, but that it would be hard and people would talk behind my back, which I already knew.

This might sound fantastic? No, not at all, I've yet to accept my self and telling my parrents made it worse. I felt the way they looked at me, and their expectations around me changed. And whats even worse, even though I know their just trying to be nice and all, they came up to my room and said "Well, I guess you're going to needa wardrobe and a more suiting name then." !!!!! I'm still trying to find out who or what I'm and your making it worse!

What confuses me is, contrary to many other stories, I'm not all girlygirl, I would never play with dolls, during youth I would spend hour realeasing my imagination with lego, and during highschool I've loved everything technology related, Computers science etc. I've even build my own computer and started learning programming. They line of work i study (Automation and robotics i believe it's called in english) there's only 1 other girl and it's heavily mans dominated and it involves lots of computer technology and science. And I don't understand, had I been all girlygirl and stuff I would understand, but beeing so... Not girly everything feels more confusing. But on the same time, I hate sports, and don't see the big deal with cars and don't understand why people would bodybuild, as most of my class does. I love to listen to people, about their days and life and can easily cry if a movie is sad, and...

Ugh, everything feels so different at home, I feel that my parents have different view on me now, and that I will change now but I don't know what to do... Was it right of me going to my parents before contacting a psychiatrist?

We have planned to go to a gender-psychiatrist but, being in Norway, everything is sooooo slow. First of I got to speak with my doctor, which will take a week of waiting, then he'll send my to a psychiatrist which will take another 1-3 weeks, and after that I will be sent to gender-psychiatrist. And I don't know if I can't stay together for that long, so in hope of someone to talk to I'm going to be acctive on these forums so I atleast have someone to talk with.

Thanks for reading, sorry if its long and being a mess, I've just poured my hearth out and tried to make Somewhat sence.

[MaryEllen]

Hi Kim,

No, you're not taking the wrong approach and yes, you are making sense. It's wonderful that your parents are supportive of you. It is a bit time consuming but taking the medical approach is the thing to do. A gender therapist will help you sort out the confusion you have. Not all girls are girly girls and not all males are super macho. Do the things that you enjoy and don't worry if it seems too masculine for you. I've known many genetic girls who have more masculine traits than many men and vice versa for men. Enjoy your life and don't worry about inconsequential things.

MaryEllen

[~Nova~]

Hi Kim, welcome.

I'll start by telling you about me. I was the furthest thing from girlie. I did everything I could to make sure I was the MAN... If a friend did something manly, I did it twice as manly. Sometimes on purpose, sometimes not. I was not girlie. I'm very girlie now, bur wasn't then.

It's nice that your parents are helping. Don't try and read into it, just accept it, like they are. It's hard on everyone. So if they seem fake at times, it's because they too are going through this. They need time to process it all. Just be happy. Smile and let things happen.

You're free. The hardest part is over. Now you can dream of a future.

Autumn

[Guest Jesse0319]

Welcome to the forums, Kim

What you did was very brave! I think that your parents are trying hard to be supportive. If their actions are really bothering you, maybe you could ask them to calm down a little, and let you figure things out for yourself, first. If you're having a hard time with it yourself, I can see why them thinking about your name and wardrobe can be a little stressful! But maybe they don't see that.

As for not being girly...Well, I'm a super feminine guy (FtM). Always have been, always will be. I love singing (and not heavy metal, either!), and I LOVE ballet, tap, and other kinds of dancing...I'm an art nerd, and a band geek...I know next to nothing about computers, and can't name car parts to save my life. But I'm still a guy, and it's ok. You don't have to like pink and ponies to be a girl, so don't feel you aren't one JUST because you like typical "guy" stuff

And I understand your frustration with the slow process. I'm 18 too, and the nearest LGBT center is like 1-2 hours away, and since I don't drive and my parents' work schedules change a lot, my appointments are sometimes 3-4 weeks apart. Look at it this way: at least the slow process will give you thinking time. It'll get better

-Jesse

[JenniferB]

Hi Kim and welcome to Laura's.

We are glad to have you here and hope you can feel right at home. This is a safe haven where you can express your thoughts and no one will judge you. Feel free to post in any forum and add to any discussion when you feel you have something to contribute.

When you get a chance please read the terms and conditions found in the bottom right corner on almost every page. We moderate this site to keep it safe for everybody.

I read your entire introduction and am looking forward to reading how things are going with your transition. Having your parents support will help immensely in the process.

{{{Hugs}}}

Jenny

[Guest Edu]

First thing first: welcome to the playground!

Also, congratulations for finding the courage to come out to your parents. This is a huge step.

There are a couple of points in your post I think I can give you some advise:

This might sound fantastic? No, not at all, I've yet to accept my self and telling my parrents made it worse. I felt the way they looked at me, and their expectations around me changed. And whats even worse, even though I know their just trying to be nice and all, they came up to my room and said "Well, I guess you're going to needa wardrobe and a more suiting name then." !!!!! I'm still trying to find out who or what I'm and your making it worse!

It is, in fact, a fantastic thing that your parents are that supportive. You need to realize, however, that they are probably as confused and disoriented about this as you are. If something they say or do is wrong (even if they are trying to help), try to explain them what's the issue. Just speak from your hearth like you did on your post, and I'm almost sure they will understand. As a plus, some practice on letting out your concerns and emotions may make things smoother once you start therapy

What confuses me is, contrary to many other stories, I'm not all girlygirl, I would never play with dolls, during youth I would spend hour realeasing my imagination with lego, and during highschool I've loved everything technology related, Computers science etc.

Ok, I just did a rough calculation and found a low estimate: during my childhood, I have spent some thousand hours (maybe even tens of thousands) with lego. Massive (sometimes almost as large as myself) "dreadnought" spaceships and that kind of stuff. Sure, that's not a very "girly" activity, but it ain't very "boyish" either (most boys of my age use to play soccer or other sports).

On the field of computing, I'll admit that there ain't too many women: in my campus someone even made a complete statistic analysis of the gender demographics (in summary, <15% females among thousands of students). But there are some girls that are into computing after all, so we can just be a couple of specimens of that uncommon breed

If you really want to find out who you are, you need to put stereotypes aside. There is nothing wrong with being different from the majority. Actually, if there weren't some variety, the world would be quite boring

We have planned to go to a gender-psychiatrist but, being in Norway, everything is sooooo slow. First of I got to speak with my doctor, which will take a week of waiting, then he'll send my to a psychiatrist which will take another 1-3 weeks, and after that I will be sent to gender-psychiatrist. And I don't know if I can't stay together for that long, so in hope of someone to talk to I'm going to be acctive on these forums so I atleast have someone to talk with.

Then you are lucky to not be in Spain like me: it took me two weeks to get a visit to the "general" doctor so I could be referred to a therapist, and then almost two more months to get the first visit with the therapist. Oh, and the "gender therapist" concept just doesn't even exist within Spain's public health system, so a "generic" therapist is all I can get.

In all honesty, a few weeks won't make too much of a difference regarding transition. Regarding to staying together, you already made some good choices: asking your questions or outing your concerns here is a good option. Just don't forget that you can also count on your parents.

So, in summary, you actually took the right approach, and have started a journey that will eventually lead you to your true self, whatever it is. And there is plenty of people here that will be more than glad to give you support and some advise along the way. With a therapist as a guide, and your parents' support as fuel and protection, you are in for an amazing trip

[Guest KimSecure]

Thank you all for your quick reponse! And sorry for being slow on "coming" back, I've had car theory classes all afternoon (Highly inoformative and facinating...! And unbelivable good time to spend on thinking!) and work week in the morning, leaving me quite tired at the end of the day

And, yes, your spot on with my parents, I can clearly see this have impacted them greatly. My dad even came over to me, all politely, and said "You know, I'm much like you. Whenever I get some problems, or I'm not certain about something I allways run to my mom... What I'm trying to say is, is okay for you that I tell your grandmother, my mother about this?"

I didn't want to make my dad feel awefull, but on the same time I allready feel too many people knew, I just had to tell him no, I didn't want to tell anyone else untill I had seen some kind of psychiatrist and sort out my feelings. And he fully understood this and told me to tell him when I felt ready.

But the more I think about it the more confused I get, it feels so right, but on the same time... I've always seen myself as a "logical person", everything has a logic reason behind it, and never done anything "fun" as the maner of just going, everything must have a good reason behind it. And this is really messes with me, I feel like this is the right thing to do and that it allways was me, but on the same time, the logical me tells me, I'm born male, You look like a male, You act like a male.What I'm really struggeling with is accepting myself and It's wearing me out, I have lost all appetite for food, I've problems sleeping and living breath I have I spend staring into floor and thinking, fighting myself. My parents have told me to stop looking so sad and try to smile as its making them worried about me, easier said than done when there's not a single joyfull thought in my head.

Ugh, sorry for sounding so... dramatic or whatever. I've never releseased me feelings before and when I opened this "dam" everthing came flooding over me,overwhelming me, so much feeling I've surpressed and never had before...

And I've yet to tell any friends about this, and doubt I will any soon so I'll just keep posting my toughts and feelings here, hopefully get some new friends along the road.

On a more serius note, me and my mom have spoke with the doctor, and will have an appointment tomorrow!, and hopefully she'll send me onwards to a psychiatrist of some sort.