My Life So Far

[Guest Patricia1946]

Hello All - I may be new on the Playground but I've been a player in this transgender world for more than 40 years. Phew! Scary just to say that. I crossed over, if you will, as a very young lad when I was attracted to my mother's bra in the bathroom one morning and put it on. I immediately loved the feeling and visited sporadically over the years, although not seriously or frequently. I guess, like a lot of males, I've been attracted to the female bosom my entire life and am entirely fixated on my own to this day. More on that later.

As a teenager I underwent the usual self-exploration and masturbated frequently to a lot of guilt and anxiety. I had girlfriends in HS but I enjoyed the companioship of my male buddies - more fun, less demanding. Every once in a while I popped on my mom's underwear & enjoyed the sensations, although I was always overwhelmed with guilt, self-loathing & confusion. For reasons I didn't understand I began to self gratification to thoughts of other males & was very troubled by this. I talked this over with a school psychologist friend who assured me that all I needed was to get laid to put these foolish fantasies to rest. Well, it didn't work although I thoroughly enjoyed my girlfriend's body.

An epiphany came to me one night some 40 years ago when I came across a TV magazine. When I opened it up for perusal I was stunned and completely titillated by the immages that leaped off the pages & deep into my psyche. I was transformed (no pun) by the images of Kim August, Bambi, Hans Crystal & others and I was a new "man". Shortly after I married my first wife and we settled into a routine married life, although she was not too interested in sex and I didn't really mind since I was occupied with dressing up. I later graduated into shaving my body hair, dressing up and scurrying through the late night streets of my neighborhood. Loved doing this but afterwards filled with guilt & self-disgust but always returned sooner or later. I discovered a nursing bra among my wife's underwear & was really bowled over by the site of my breasts poking through the bra's open front. I am "gifted" with a mild form of gynecomastia which has stayed with me over the years & which I have nurtured by massaging, squeezing and so on. I have remained focused on my breasts since and really enjoy stroking, fondling and petting my breasts. I usually wear an underwire bra for added dimension & lift and position my breasts in a shelf-like presentation. Very effective for me.

I later fell madly in love with a wonderful woman who I later married and love to this day. Sex with her was fantastic and very satisfying. My crossdressing disappeared for a few years but like some phantom ghost it reappeared and I have lived with it fitfully ever since. I think she knows about me but seems unwilling to press me to a full "confession". The internet, needless to say, opened up a nerw worled for me & I completely enjoy my "atypical" sexual identity. I feel very much like a woman but I also feel very much like a man when dressed traditionally. Confused could easily be my middle name. I fully realize that at my age this will never develop to where I have frequently fantasized that it would lead and I am very frustrated. I have recenly retired while my wife works on and I devote an large amount of time to my "hobby". I have no idea where this will lead and would appreciate any insights, encouragement, experience, guidance, whatever.

[Guest jantonio]

Hi Patricia, welcome to the playground. Thanks for sharing your story with us.

Jose Antonio...

[MaryEllen]

Hi Patricia,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing with us. If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask.

MaryEllen

[Guest theEND]

Hey Patricia, welcome to the forums

[Guest Drew]

hi Patricia welcome to the forums. it's nice to have you here.