Am I doing this right? In more than one sense....

[Guest Jo1986]

Heya everyone,

First and foremost - I signed up last night and hope I'm doing this (my first post here) in the right place. Apologies if it's not in the correct place on the site.

Before I go on, I should also probably apologise in case what I say/ask is a bit vague, difficult to understand or is either a daft question or has been asked before. I'm afraid I've only been talking about 'this' for about 7 weeks now - and then only to a very small group of 2 extremely well trusted friends and the girlfriend of one of my friends from uni - so talking about something I've bottled up for so long still feels really, really, really strange; even if it is only to such a small and trusted number of people.

Sorry, think that might be an example of me being a bit difficult to understand if I'm honest!

So.... I'm 25yrs old and I guess I've been aware of a feeling, deep down, that nature massively screwed up when my gender was being determined (if thats the right word) for the last 18 or 19 years but rightly or wrongly I've never really been able to find the right words (or the confidence I guess) to say anything to anyone about it - despite the fact that it's been bubbling away below the surface, upsetting me from time to time and almost always frustrating me.

Nor, I should add, did I ever really believe I would be able to find the confidence to let the genie out of the bottle so to speak.

That was until I met up with the girlfriend of one of my old girl friends (in the sense of a friend who is a girl) from uni about 7 weeks ago. We were just chatting and getting to know a bit more about each other and she mentioned she'd had some personal experience helping trans friends over the last few years and, all of a sudden, I just found myself telling her my deepest, most closely guarded and best hidden secret -- that I know nature messed up and I should really have been born a woman.

I still don't quite understand why or how, having kept it buried so deep down inside me for so long, I told her everything though but I'm glad I did as trying to keep it to myself was feeling like it was starting to consume me.

My friend's girlfriend - rather than calling me all the names under the sun (like I always expected anyone who I might choose to tell will do) - took this totally in her stride and has gently encouraged me to "release some of the pressure from the bottle that [i've] built up over the years" (her words) by trying to consider telling a few friends I think I can trust. She's also been encouraging me to think about possibly telling my family and my doc.

I've told two of my closest friends recently and, again to my surprise, neither of them has batted an eyelid really. One of them is even happy to teach me make up and helped me get myself my first proper wig for those times when I'm able to let real me out for more than a few minutes at a time. Not to mention that both of them have helped me settle on a name I quite like that I can use until I settle on a more long term name - namely "Jo"

I really do feel like some of my friends are indescribably amazing at the moment!

However, while I've been able to tell these carefully chosen friends, I know I'm nowhere near ready to tell my parents, sisters (etc) or, more importantly, my doc. I just dont know how I'd even broach the topic with any of them. It was hard enough telling the two friends I hoped would be ok with it. Telling people I suspect will find this weird or, even worse, downright wrong; not to mention those who I know will probably have a million and one questions - most of which I probably dont have answers that I'll be able to put in terms they can understand at the moment - just feels like too massive a bridge to cross at the moment. Does the fact that I don't feel able to share this with people like my family and my doc make me a bad person???? I want to trust them all to take it well but I also know there's a risk they wont. Does not wanting to take that risk make me the bad person that I feel like it does???

Am I going about letting the genie out of the bottle all wrong by telling friends before I tell my family and/or my doc??? Is there a recommended way of going about releasing everything I've been keeping to myself for soooooo many years - should I be telling one group of people in my life before others etc etc etc???

All these questions, and so, so, so many more, have been swirling around my head ever since I told the first person I ever told about 7wks ago. Is it normal to have such questions going round in your own head when you've told a few people?

Ok, I think I shall leave it there for my first post as I fear I'm starting to ramble a bit. Sorry everyone if this post is a long one or a bit all-over-the-place -- I'm not normally like this when I talk about most things, honest.

Thanks everyone

Jo

[MaryEllen]

Hello Jo,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing with us. I'd say you are doing alright as far a coming out is concerned. There are many here who have and are asking the same questions you are. I'd recommend counseling with a gender therapist for answers to your questions. You're definitely not a bad person.

MaryEllen

[Guest Shari]

Hi Jo,

Welcome! It sounds like your friends have been so amazing.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Hugs,

Shari

[Carolyn Marie]

Welcome to the Playground, Jo. It's great that you have supportive friends.

Please look around and post in any of the forums with any questions that you have.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest BeckyTG]

Hi Jo,

Based on what you just wrote, it looks like you have really found the right place. Your story is very similar to many of ours. This "thing" will consume you if you don't do something about it.

The best thing for you to do is read as much as you can right here and there's a ton of information and links to more.

I'd suggest finding a therapist experienced (and trained) in gender identity issues. If they're not trained for it, they may not be able to help you and may even be harmful.

We all have a lot in common and are at many different points in our journeys to realize our true selves.

As a matter of fact, that's a great book to read: "True Selves".

All the best to you.

Hugs,

Becky

[Guest Desiree G]

Wow. I envy you that you have anyone to come out to at all. It's always inspiring and encouraging to read things like that. Thanks, and congratulations on taking those steps.

[Guest Jo1986]

MaryEllen: Thank you for your kind welcome. I'm not 100% sure I'm "out" just yet, personally. I think I'd describe it more as a case of taking the first of what I can only imagine could be quite a long journey to get to where I know I always should have been; if that makes any sense.

I'm also glad to hear I'm not alone in having lots of questions swirling about inside. In hindsight I know it was rather naive of me to think that I might have been but, until a few weeks ago, I genuinely believed I was.

Jo

[Guest Jo1986]

Hi Jo,

Welcome! It sounds like your friends have been so amazing.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Hugs,

Shari

You're welcome Shari. I thought it might be helpful for everyone who was interested to have a rough idea of where I am and where I am coming from before I started to explore the site a bit more thoroughly.

Jo

[Guest sadandconfused]

Hi Jo!

im 21 and most of my life, like yours i knew that i was supposed to be born female. Recently these feelings ive been surpressing for years came out with a bang and i know for a fact now that i need to start my journy to womanhood. i actually met with a therapist for the first time today, i didnt bring it up i wanted to but saying it outloud for others to hear seems soooo scary right now. i wish i had your courage to say it to someone, let alone a close friend. I wish you the best of luck Jo!

[MackenzieB]

Hello and Welcome Jo!

You don't have to tell anybody before you're ready. I only told my parents this past week although I've known for over 25 years. It was just easier not to in my case but since I'm going to be going full time soon, I was feeling guilty. And it's the same with friends. It may be better to wait to tell some people, others you may want to tell if they're supporting of you. No wrong answers.

[Guest Jo1986]

SadandConfused -and- Desiree G: I think the fact that I've had a number of health and personal issues over the course of my lifetime has helped me immensely in knowing who I feel I can and cannot trust with this news as I take the first few pre-baby steps on my journey.

I dont know if this makes any sense or not but, because of the complexity and difficult to get your head round nature of some of these issues, I have developed what I call my "inner circle" of friends (from which the two I've told recently come from) who are my most trusted and, largely speaking, most open minded friends that I typically trust with most things. "This" is a bit different though - I'm having to weigh up, on a friend by friend basis, the possible benefit of the extra support I could get from the remainder of my inner circle (and the removal of the stress/heartbreak having to keep it from them causes me) against the possible risk of losing those closest of friends forever if they don't understand.

I just dread the, probably inevitable, time when I judge the probable outcome (from the risk-benefit analysis) wrongly and I get my first negative reaction. Not quite sure how I'll react to that. And, if I'm honest with myself (and everyone else), that, above all else, is probably why I hadn't told anyone before and why I'm still hesitant to tell others even now.

Am I making any sense here?

[Guest Jo1986]

Hi Jo,

Based on what you just wrote, it looks like you have really found the right place. Your story is very similar to many of ours. This "thing" will consume you if you don't do something about it.

The best thing for you to do is read as much as you can right here and there's a ton of information and links to more....

Thank you so much Becky - I certainly think I have found the right place too. I also think it was the feeling of this 'thing' starting to get the better of me, starting to become so much harder to hide from my closest friends is what has made it a necessity to share it with a few extremely trusted friends. Keeping it from family is quite a bit easier though - families have secrets from one another and I think my family aren't any different so, while perhaps we should, we dont really push too hard when we think one of the others is hiding something.

Jo

[JJ]

Hi Jo,

Your post helped me this morning because it reminded me of where I was and how I felt nearly 18 months ago when I came here. I had only realized that I was trans though I had in another sense known all my life without knowing the words or that there were others like me out there. I had so many questions and I was so afraid. The relief I felt at finally talking about feelings and thoughts I had hidden from even those closest to me for a long lifetime was indescribably. Delirious and euphoric and terrifying all at once. Funny thing is that I haven't stopped talking since as my post count shows

There is so much to work through and hundreds if not thousands of questions for many of us. Each step has it's own challenges and questions. And many times as we realize one thing about ourselves or our feelings we discover that the answer leads to more questions.

The great thing here is that we understand. Though each of us is different and individual many of us have felt the same feelings and know that pervasive sense of wrongness that is so hard to communicate to non-trans people.We don't mind answering questions-most of us asked them at some time too. That's why we are here. To help as we are helped.

This is a long and necessarily slow journey for most of us. But I can say that right now in spite of it being the most financially challenging time in my life with family difficulties (not related to trans or in my control) adding enormous pressure., I am more at peace than I have ever been. Free to be myself.

I live in a very conservative area with fundamentalist religions the norm and I was terrified of what this would mean for myself but even more for my family-especially a granddaughter in grade school where kids can be so very cruel. I have to do it though - I reached a point where I no longer had any choice. And you know what? I'm still waiting for that 1st negative reaction. After 18 months. I did get a dirty look in Sam's in a nearby city last week. But I'm not sure if the older guy was reading me as butch lesbian or just disapproved of my faintly Goth clothing in a guy my age. I actually grinned because it was such an anti-climax when I did finally see some disapproval.

I can't say it will be the same for you but for many of us the disapproval we so fear doesn't seem to materialize. Families can be the most difficult for many because they are emotionally invested in us as we are but for others so often the reaction seems to be what you have already experienced.

I've run on long enough but did want to say welcome and thank you for reminding me of how I felt when I started this journey.

Johnny

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Jo,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have MTF meetings-Mon & Sat 9pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna