When/how did you come out to your partner?

[Guest Talon]

Hey all,

I'm starting my physical transition soon and am trying to prep myself for as many things as possible. On the whole I am of course extremely excited and can't wait to get started. But there are many fears and concerns as well and one thing that scares the daylights out of me is the thought of dating/letting someone close.

Like everyone else, I want to be with someone who loves me for my person and is ok without the last 6 inches that I can't give her.

I'm trying to think about how I will approach telling a new girlfriend who is not transgender about me being trans when that time comes. I know that there is no single, right solution and that it depends on the specific situation and the people involved. It's just something that I think about a lot.

Of course, I'd love to date an MtF just as well as a bio girl! I'm just worried about non-trans people who doesn't know about/understand the whole thing. There's no way of not telling it but I want to scare them as little as possible.

One thought is that if I don't tell her right away I could ask some subtle questions/bring up some topics to see if she's open-minded about gender or sexuality issues. Or I could tell her from the start so she knows who she is about to go out with. I think it is so hard to figure out. Maybe if you tell too soon you seem like you expect too much and if you tell too late and they're not okay with it maybe they feel like you have been lying/wasting their time. Gaaawwwd...

I hang out with a big group of people and everybody knows each other well. The easy thought is if I fell in love with someone who already knew. Time will tell.

What did you do and how did it go? When and how did you decide to tell your partner that you are transgender? How did they educate themselves, did you read and research together? Did they need time to think or were they able to tell you right away how they felt?

I'd love to hear your stories.

Big thank you!

Talon

[Guest OutOfSorts180]

Hi Talon:

I'm also very interested in how others have come out to their partners, wives, families, etc. So I'm hoping others here will share their experiences as this is probably one of the hardest parts about transitioning.

I've been planning out different scenarios on not only what I would say, but when. I've been planning for the worst. I'm hoping that when the time comes, there will be enough love for me, the person, that I'll get at least begrudging acknowledgement if not some amount of support. But...I'm not really counting on it.

As for when, my plan is to wait until after I've been on RLT for a few weeks, as I want to show that I'm totally committed to transitioning and that I can't / won't be talked out of it.

Anyways, hoping to hear from others.

[Guest Mia J]

I think this is going to be different for each person as everyone's relationship is going to be somewhat different. When I was with my ex it was not too hard to come out as were were already in an alternative relationship. I told her how I felt and at first she was understanding and at least somewhat supportive but as time went on she started to undermine what I was doing. The relationship ended and I stopped transitioning at that time to try and save things which was a total failure.

My current spouse had known about me before we even started to see each other. We had been casual friends in our community and she was aware of my past. Even though she knew, I did not try to transition again for the first 12 years of our relationship. When I reached the point that I could not go on as that other person I talked to her about it and she told me to start exploring that side of myself and has been very supportive.

We have not really had many issues during my transition. A good portion of this is the very strong relationship we had built up and open communications. Of course her being bi also helped. I am one of the exceptions to what many go through. I think a lot of it depends on the communication and openness that you have had with your spouse over the time you have been with each other.

One of the things you might want to do is talk to your spouse about trans issues and find out how they feel. With Chaz being in all the news you can maybe use him to bring up the subject.

Mia

[Guest Sarahwr]

I agree with Mia.

Everyones situation is unique to them and therefore anything said has to be seen as being a story and not a set of instructions.

Opportunity is a major part of telling somone. You just can't blurb it out.

With me it was jokingly telling my partner one night when we were in bed how much I enjoyed wearing a bra which inevitably lead on to explaining how long I had had these fellings.

However, bear in mind I started to take herbs over 2 years ago to femininse myself and she was aware of this. (I don't take herbs now)

Unless you are particularly lucky I'm afraid the road ahead is rocky and unfortnately relationships can end as a result of your revelation.

Mine is being held together at the moment and I do have some support from her.

There are hurdles to overcome and hoops to jump through.

Maybe I see it differently because of my age. If I don't do it now and I were to "pop my clogs" without some experience of being myself then there will be some serious words said when and if I get to the pearly gates.

I think all anyone can do is to wish you luck and offer their support.

What ever you decide remember it is your life and you have to live it as you would want to, not any one else.

Try not to make mistakes and where you do, learn by them and don't burn you boats.because it can take some real heartache to rebuild them.

Best wishes,

Sarahw

[Guest Andrew Parker]

I was dating my current girlfriend when I began my transition. I flat out said "Hey Morgan, I think I'm a guy". She was fine with it but she had trouble calling me her boyfriend and by male pronouns and name. She's bisexual so she's okay with dating a boy. She's all good with the pronouns now, It just took some time.

[Guest Talon]

Thank you everybody for sharing

I'll try to take it easy and trust that I will find the right way to talk about it with the right person.

Also, gotta remember that it is what it is and it's my conscious choice. I know in my heart that this is right and that it's how I want to live so it's in a way a good thing to have to make clear about that from the start.

Thanks

Talon.

[Guest OutOfSorts180]

Thanks Mia and Sarawr for sharing your thoughts. Yes, you're both right in that everyone's situation is different. I get that. It's just that this particular step in our journey is probably the hardest part of transitioning. How to do it. When to do it. What to say. Should you come out to the one's spouse first and then the rest of the family or to the entire family at once. This is where I know I need a lot of support.

I won't say I'm wavering in my decision to go forward and become truly me. But...the realization that my decision is going to impact my family is an understatement. How will they see me "now?" Will I end up "disgusting" them? Will I be asked to move out? What about all of the social stigma, both to my family and myself? What about things like when someday my daughter gets married? Who gives her away? What about when my oldest daughter finally starts a family? What will I be? A grandparent of course, but...will I be a grandfather? Grandmother in this context doesn't sound right. Anyways...in spite of all of these questions (and sacrifices), I still plan to go forward.

But...it would help and to know what that types of obstacles others have experienced and how they overcame. That to me would be very encouraging. Like in Sarawr's case, I really do appreciate you sharing how things are holding together with your spouse. Even somewhat supportive. I know I'm preparing for the worse and hoping for something better.

Also...going back to timing. As I mentioned in my thread under "therapy", I've completed 2 sessions now with my GT. However, I am getting very anxious for the next sessions and really anxious to start HRT. I feel like until I do, it's just all been talk so far. In fact, I've been thinking about all of this so much the last week or so that I'm bordering on being "troubled" with my thoughts. Not depressed, but troubled. And as I mentioned earlier in this thread, my current plan is to come out after starting HRT. So curious, especially for those who are older, married with grown kids, is this what "you" did as well? Or did you come out first before starting HRT / physical transition?

Anyways, I hope I'm making some sense here.

[Guest DebbieS]

It wasn't by choice. I had a long(ish) term plan about how I was going to 'drip feed' it to her.

However, I used to email all my trans friends with updates. Then one day I left the Internet Explorer window session open even though I had closed hotmail (not logged out). When I was out of the room she loaded hotmail to check her email and mine popped up with all the details in my emails. A bad couple of weeks followed that. Things have settled a little now though,

Debbie

[Guest OutOfSorts180]

Debbie:

Sheesh! Don't you hate when that happens! I've been very careful with my pc. After I do email or when I log to this forum, I make sure to clear the browser history. Got to make sure when I do come out that it's on my terms. Anyways, sorry for what you had to go through and glad it sounds like things have settled.

If I'm not prying, I guess the $million dollar (or pound) question is how is she really handling the fact that you're transitioning. Is she accepting? Or is it more begrudging acknowledgment?

Whatever the case, my best to you.

[Guest DebbieS]

Thanks for those words.

I always cleared everything in IE also, but on this occasion, left the PC for a moment intending to come back, and then forgot. Short term forgetfullness is a common trait amongst us more 'experienced' people of earth. haha.

You were kind of right with the latter option. With 23 years of marriage on the clock, and 2 teenage girls to rear, then we have a lot of caring and loving to hold onto. However, she is struggling, and I know she is trying to deal with it by pretending it is not going on, and probably privately wishing it would go away. I am fortunate (or she is I guess) in that although I am female really and have a normal interest in female clothing etc, I am not one of those who are driven to dress up girly all the time. In fact if I was to try and imagine a future, I would be fully female, love my hair (which I do now) and wear occasional make up, but, be wearing jeans and tshirt or trackies. That's just me. I meet others for mutual help and support, and I always tell her and she is with it, but we can never discuss it again because she just can't cope with it. I guess, unless something changes, one could see it as a ticking clock. On the positive side, atomic driven clocks can tick forever and I even have an old Casio watch that has run for 25 years on one battery.....so it may tick until we are dead of old age. That's my only poistive thought.,,,,haha.

Thanks again.

Debbie

[Guest OutOfSorts180]

Hi Debbie:

You're welcome. And whenever I get forgetful I kidding tell everyone it's due to aging brain cells!

I really appreciate you sharing about your situation. I myself have been married 29 1/2 years. Have a girl, boy and girl. 27, 23, 22. Oldest is married, but still helping my son find a job (while he's still living at home) and my youngest is a senior in college. So...still some more milestones before my parenting days are completely over. As for my wife, she is a really good person with a really good heart. And I want to believe that she'll still love me after all is said and done. But...I'm sure it's going to be hard on her. How does a wife go from having a husband to a female partner? I'm sure more than anything else, it's just going to be weird for her. And the explaining to all of her friends when they ask, where's your husband? Or...what happened to your husband. Sigh.

In any case, my best wishes to you as you continue on your journey.

[Guest DebbieS]

Thanks. It does seem we are on fairly similar journeys, with similar uncertain outcomes.

Debbie