I need some advice.....

[Guest Enigmana]

Hi, this is my first time posting here. I've fairly recently begun to acknowledge that I have serious problems with my gender. I am hoping to see a GT as soon as possible, but I would like some advice from those here that may be able to help me understand my feelings a little better. I hope that this is coherent, as my thoughts are pretty chaotic right now. Hopefully I can say everything without it being too long, but I have a tendency to ramble.

I am currently 20 years old (almost 21) and biologically male, but have never felt like much of one and have always had tremendous difficulty fitting in and relating to other guys. As a kid, I was (and still am) considered a complete wimp and have always been far more sensitive than almost any other guy I know. I don't think things were all that bad when I was really young, but it became harder and harder to fit in as I got older. Sports were the absolute worst....not only do I have zero athletic ability, I'm just not that competitive and I don't really like doing things that require physical aggressiveness. Plus, I totally throw like a girl.

I remember in school when we would play dodgeball in gym class; the guys would play enthusiastically while the girls would usually just stand in a corner and talk...god how I wished I could have just joined in with the girls. But I knew I would face ridicule if I did that, so I would try to pretend like I was interested in the game (even though I was HORRIBLE at it). Gym soon became my most hated class, while most guys in school considered it their favorite. I did well in most other aspects of school, but was pretty much always a loner. Even in the rare occasion that I would make a friend, it was still painfully obvious to me just how more masculine than me they were.

The thing is, for most of my life I had never really realized that I could be anything other than a boy. I looked like a boy and I was treated like a boy, so I came to think of myself as just a defective male...a mistake. And then puberty came and it only got worse. My voice got deeper and I started to get facial hair, which completely freaked me out. People would point out how I was changing and I was intensely embarrassed by it. This was about the time that everything started to feel...I don't know, just wrong. I've began my struggle with depression (not sure how much this has to do with gender, but I doubt it's completely unrelated) and I felt more and more like an outcast. Also, for quite some time I've had this weird feeling of disconnect with my body. It's know it's me in the mirror, but at the same time, it feels kind of hard to believe...it's hard to describe. It's not all that bad when it's just my face (although I've always felt pretty ugly) but when I see myself completely naked I can't help but feel disgusted. I have all of this disgusting body hair and I don't like seeing my genitals (not that they've ever really felt like "mine").

And then there is my desire to be female....For quite a while now, I've wanted to be a girl. It began as an erotic thing; that is, I would get aroused by thought of myself as female. I started fantasizing about being a girl around 5th or 6th grade. Since then, this desire has always been in the back of my mind. I tried to ignore it for a while but....I just can't. Sometimes it's so strong that it becomes downright painful; recently, enough to bring me to tears. Because of the arousal, I used to think of this as a purely sexual thing, but now I'm not so sure that that's all it is. I just don't know anymore.

Could I be transsexual? A lot of sites on the internet seem to suggest that if there is any sort of erotic component to your desire to be a women, then you are not a transsexual...you are just some fetishistic pervert. I don't want to believe that this is just some weird fetish...the feelings are just too strong. But still, I have this intense fear that all I am is just a perverted man. I want so badly to believe that I am really a girl, but I have so many doubts.......Sorry that this was so long. I would really appreciate any thoughts or advice, though.

[Guest Robin Winter]

Umm...shouldn't you be paying me royalties for using my story???

Seriously, you could be describing my life and feelings almost to the letter. There is nothing wrong with having erotic thoughts associated with being female, and it doesn't mean you can't be transsexual. As humans we are inclined towards eroticism, and if you are really a woman, don't you think it makes sense that when you have erotic feelings, you would think of yourself in female terms?

Now, only you can determine if you're really a woman, and a gender therapist can probably help a great deal sorting your feelings and getting it all figured out, but as I said, you could be describing me almost perfectly, and I , quote "meet all the criteria" according to a psychiatrist and two gender specialists.

In any case, I wish you the best on your journey, wherever it takes you.

*Hugs*

[Drea]

The old hackneyed phrase, but relevent, see a therapist.

Nobody here can tell you what you are. It just isn't possible to convey enough information and what may be similarities may not be.

Therapy is about exploring oneself. It also can provide symtomatic relief and give a broader perspective.

If you want encouragement, you will always find it here. That can be good or bad as such encouragement is a result of support enviorment and doesn't necessarily reflect what may be best for you. Only you can determine that.

[Guest Enigmana]

Thanks for the comments. I'm so glad that there are others that can relate to my feelings. I've just made an appointment with a therapist and I think that that will really help me get things sorted out. I have to say, though, I already feel a bit more certain about my feelings. At this point, I really can't see myself coming to any other conclusion then that I am female..and that thought actually makes me really happy. I'm sure I'll be back to doubting myself soon enough, though. Hopefully the therapist will be able to help me with that.

[Guest Mia J]

I am glad you are going to see a therapist. You have now started the road to find out where you fit in and how you can make your life the happiest.

Your post said a lot of things that many of us have gone through.

Mia

[Guest Lacey Lynne]

Sure enough, you're telling my story too ... almost to a T. Look, I'm no gender therapist; however, I'm willing to wager that you are, indeed, a transsexual, and I, on prinicple, do NOT bet! Okay, this is old and stock advice on these forums; however, find a qualified and experienced gender therapist, make an appointment and start therapy.

I just have to believe that you'll be VERY happy that you did!

My Best to You Lacey

[Guest Enigmana]

Just saw the therapist today. It was what I expected: mostly just her asking questions and getting to know my situation. At the very least, this is a start. I actually feel comfortable setting my gender selection to MTF now and I'll probably start posting in that forum. Thanks for the advice and encouraging words everyone!

[Guest Kaitlyn16]

I think I'm beginning to notice a trend in everyone's stories here... >.>

Mine is a little different though... My outward appearance was never really my main issue, it was the testosterone inside me. It kind of feels like testosterone is an illness that can only be cured with estrogen... I don't really hate my outward appearance, I just want a female one more...

Don't worry about the 'fetish' thing, I have it too, and I don't want it to be just a fetish either (It's called autogynephilia by the way in case you were wondering). I can't imagine myself using something like that purely for sexual gratification... I would feel even more disgusted with myself if that were the case, because that would just mean that I caved in to the testosterone... I think the autogynephilia is whatever you want it to be. If you want it to be just a fetish, then that is probably all it is. If you truly hope it is something more, then odds are it is not just a fetish. Then again I'm not a psychologist so what do I know

[Guest Basilo]

Can I ask a question here? Well, anyways, my story matches yours pretty well, except ever since puberty I've always been a little more agressive, and this is the one thing that makes me doubt being transsexual, but i think it is probably because of testosterone. Can anyone tell me if they've had this similar spike in aggression (it's not like aggressive aggressive, it's more like I'll answer some problems with anger/force)

[Guest Enigmana]

Actually, I have had anger problems since puberty as well; mostly when I get into arguments with people. I almost feel like a different person during those times....I don't like it. I have heard that HRT has helped people with this (and it sort of makes sense), but I can't be sure.

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Both men and women get angry and also aggressive at times.....

The males testosterone is what adds to the aggressiveness.....

Mine (while always small) has subsided on Estrogen and the exclusion of T....

Huggs

Dee Jay