Prayers For My Son **TW**

[Guest Angelgrlsue]

Hi everyone

Took my son to see the eye doctor this morning and recieved more bad news. His occular pressure in the operated eye has gone up to 42 now!!!! This is too dangerous and so I have made an appointment with another eye care specalist through Childrens hospital for a second opinion. Please pray for my son's eyes that he does not lose any sight from this dreadful disease. He is not doing well emotionally right now, I am not as well. He told me this morning after we saw the doctor that he hates both me and his mother. Other things were said as well, I tried to confort him as much as I could and reassured him that he would lose his sight like I did. There is no guarentee though, I am really trying to stay positive and strong. I will not lie though to you, I do feel that all of this is my fault that he has this eye disease and that I would be better off dead than alive so that he may have a better chance for the future. I mean let's be realistic here, I am laying down on the line with all of you.

1. I was diagnosed with mild retardation at an early age, around 7 or 8 years old I believe. Went through all kinds of Psychological testing I remember and was taken out of school every day so they could lock me in a room and watch what I would do. They did this for a year or so.

2. School psychologist followed me all throughout grade school, middle school and high school, he even stalked me!! I never told anyone.

3. Was sexually abused by my older brother at age 8 until I was a teen, when he moved out of the house. Again I did not tell anyone.

4. Was nearly kidnapped at gunpoint by a driveby by some dirty old man in a car one night while I was walking home from a friends house.

5. Emotionally abused by my father throughout childhood and into adulthood.

6. Nearly raped by a man who forced me to have sex with him when I was in my late teens.

7. Most of my spare time I spent alone in my room doing nothing but stare out into space and daydream. This went on into adulthood as well.

8. Older brother almost drowned me in the public swimming pool. If a man that was next to us did not stop my brother I would not be here.

9. Attempted several suicides from teen to adulthood.

10. Began drinking at the age of 8

11. Was involved in a religious cult at age 16. My life and family threatened by a member of the cult if I did not come to church.

12. Was part of an exorcism in my early 20's at a church members home. My head was forced into a members lap and the other member held my arms behind my back and began chanting and yelling for the demons to come out. When I was released I was made to sleep outside. The next morning when I woke up there was a man's seed all over my face and body. (I apologize for being so graphic)

13. During my teen years I was called "gay", "sweetheart" and other negative terms by people in general.

14. In my late 20's I was involved with porn and even attempted to get involved in the adult film industry. Began to heavily drink at this age.

15. Married a woman that was just like my father and Dominant. She wore the pants in the relationship. A very emotional abusive relationship. I stayed with her for over 20 years out of convience. We had our son together.

16. In my late 20's I experimented with the BDSM scene, I was the submissive one.

17. Five years ago I had my IQ tested by a Psychologist. The results were that I had a below average IQ.

18. Was hospitalized for sex addiction back in 2001, while there I was diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder.

19. Since early childhood I knew I was a girl.

20. Have been taken advantage of by so many people throughout my life.

21. At age 16 I became legally blind from Glaucoma

22. At age 13 I nearly burned down my parents home on purpose, also at this age I was placed in a private school to finish out my 8th grade. I was then sent to a summer school for bad kids.

23. In my mid 20's I was hospitalized for suicide and placed on a 72 hour hold. When I was discharged I was sent to an independent living home. While there I was sexually approached several times by a guy that lived there.

24. Ended up back in the hospital for attempting light myself on fire. Went by ambulance and when we approached the hospital and took a run for it. The security some how was able to get a hold of me and placed me in the isolation room and bound me up on a bed in there with restraints, I managed to hit one of them in the mouth. Nurse ended up injecting me with something to calm me down.

25. I met my ex at the mental health hospital.

26. Was raped by a man 7 years ago.

27. Have never really had a real job to speak of . Been on SSI for so long. Most of the jobs I did have were temporary or I ended up getting fired because I was too slow. This had nothing to do with my visual impairment either.

28. Recently I have been corresponding with a Dominant woman involved in the BDSM scene. I may move in with her in the future and become her slave for life. She knows I am transgender.

29. Have had doubts about my life ever since I was a kid.

30. My best friend killed himself when he was around age 26. We both looked alike when we were kids. Some people thought we were brothers.

For now this is what I can remember.

Susan

[Guest Amethyst_Redemption]

You have lived a lot of life my friend. I am so sorry you had to endure so many harsh and horrific things.

I don't pray but I can send thoughts your way and towards your son.

Caring and Listening

April

[Carolyn Marie]

My thoughts go out to you and your son, Susan. And no, I do not think that he would be better off if you were dead. You are no more responsible for his sight problems than my mother was for my diabetes. Going down that road would mean that anyone not "perfect" enough should be sterilized or forbidden to have children.

Blindness is a terrible thing, but it is NOT the end of the world, and your son can and will learn to live with it, if that is his fate. If you give up on him, and on yourself, he has no chance. Stay with us, stay with your son, and give him your wisdom and courage and will to survive, I beg you.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[JJ]

Susan I am so sorry that you have had to endure all of that. I don't know why so much happens to some people while others seem to sail through but I do believe there is a reason.

Your son is at an age when many -if not most-kids hate their parents at least part of the time. But research has shown that beneath that hostility they actually need their parents now more than any point in their lives. That they need to be hugged most when they are saying "Get away from me". Part of the perversity of the teen years. Not only does your son need you but you are his guide and model in how to react to his eye problems. If you opt out you make it much more likely he will too.

You are worth the struggle and fighting for as a person yourself but I well understand how all the things in your life have lead you to believe that isn't so. The problems didn't start with you but in the ignorance and wrongness of others. Maybe you have made some unwise decisions because of that-but that doesn't make you a bad or worthless person. Just someone who has had a lot to overcome.

As I have said before-you can work miracles when you set your mind to do so. most of our limitations are ones we impose upon ourselves. Will it be easy if you decide to get a job or make a different life? No. It will be harder for you than most. But if you really want something hard doesn't matter. Eventually you can do it if you believe you can and just keep trying. Attitude and determination count for more than anything else in life.

You are a survivor Susan and you can make it because the worst is behind you now. And because your son needs you as a parent and as an example.

Hugs

Johnny

[Guest Mia J]

Dearest Susan I am so sorry to hear about your son's eye issues and your struggles.

You are a very brave person for surviving and going on with your life. You know that your son does not really hate you.

My prayers and thoughts are with you both.

You have come through a lot more than most of us had and should inspire us all that we can overcome our issues.

Blessings

Mia

[Sally]

Dear Susan,

You have made it this far on determination alone, you can continue.

Your son's eye problems are not your fault - those traits are from the mother's side just like color blindness.

He is very upset right now - you have been through that before - give him time and be there when he needs you.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest Shari]

Hi Susan,

Your son is in my thoughts tonight. You are as well.

Hugs,

Shari