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I told my partner tonight...


Guest Sarah Miller

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Guest Sarah Miller

Well, I did it. I told my partner tonight. It was really difficult but I had decided to tell her this night about a week ago. She was bait quiet even though she said she os ok with it and still loves me. She is having a shower at the moment and said she may have some questions later but not at the moment, she news some time to think about what I said.

I feel a little queasy, I hope it's going to be ok.

Sarah

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Dear Sarah,

I understand about feeling a little queasy and I wish that I could tell you something to ease that feeling but at this point it is all up to your partner - she will need time and will have questions because this came as a surprise to her.

You needed to let her know and now she has to decide how to deal with it - give her space and time and always be kind and gentle with her.

Love ya,

Sally

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Guest Hollie W

I really hope all goes well. The main thing is, don't do too much too soon. She may need a lot of time to come to terms with this and fully understand it. I really would suggest you both site at the pc together and read up on cd'ing. Let her see what it's all about. Let her be reassured you aren't sick, or perverted or gay. When I first cross dressed, even I dodn't know what was going on. I needed the internet to understand why I was doing what I did and felt I was so alone. Something like 1 in 10 men admit to wearing a pice of women's clothing. A little under wear in the bedroom etc... You are going to be understandably nervous and maybe showing her posts on this forum may help her to understand this side of you better than you can put in to words yourself. She may not be ready to do that just yet.

The best piece of advice I can give is not to rush things or push things. Take it slow and just keep reasuring her how much you love her. You are the same person today as you were yesterday and the day before, she has just learnt another side of you.

Please let us know how it goes and I will be thinking of you I promise.

*hugs*

Hollie.

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Hi Sarah

I think the previous post from Hollie had very wise words for you

I would add that, from posts of yours I've read on this forum, you do seem to have the character and confidence of a person who can carry this type of situation off with the best chances of success

Wish you well and good luck with the quesiness!

Vikki

Ps. I've been a closet CD'er for 50 years and only recently told my wife, of 30 years all about it, with surprisingly good results!

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There is a good book that I've just finished reading that might interest you:

My Husband Betty by Helen Boyd

It's an in depth look at CD'ing from all aspects and aimed primarily at partners of crossdressers

Vikki

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Guest sonia shadows

GOSH!

For anyone who has done it they will know how you feel and will be hoping for a great outcome. It is good that you feel uneasy as it means that you are aware that your wife will be affected by what your have told her and you need to be sensitive and understanding as possible. Some people just don't have this ability; I am sure you can think of someone who is so immersed in themselves that they aren't able to understand the feelings of others. I will admit it was something I didn't do very well (just OK) 15+ years ago, and some of the resentment it may have caused may have contributed to my wife's current way of thinking which has led to us starting to divorce.If I had been able to use a site like this to help me consider the issue it would have been much better; I just felt the need to be entirely honest and open with my wife as any decent husband would and didn't have the insight I have now.

Hollie W has said a lot of what I was thinking. It will take a lot of thought for her to come to terms with what you have said and then help finding suitable information that reassures her off the internet.

I am sure anyone reading this will be rooting for you.

Sonia sends a Hollie hug.

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Guest Sarah Miller

I don't think it's going very well. She says she feels betrayed, angry and cannot trust me. I have explained it was hard to tell her during those years when I was unwilling to admit it to myself. She also asked if I was gay, she associates this only with homosexuality. I did say that was a common misconception and there was dime good information on the website but she said she doesn't want to read anything at the moment. She said she still lives me but doesn't know what this means. She also asked if I'd had an affair close male friend I'd known back in Melbourne.

Her previous experience with a crossdressing partner was that he was gay and he left not long after that. I really don't know what to do now. Is this the beginning if the end?

Sarah

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Sarah,

I'm the last person to be offering advice, i am deep inside the closet myself, but I feel you've done a good thing for yourself and for your partner by being honest about this. There is a an awful lot of misunderstanding out there about the baggage that people feel must be associated with crossdressing. I've thought those things myself

In my opinion, your feelings about yourself, the need to crossdress and the acceptance of your feminine side are (or ought to be) completely separate from your feelings towards your partner. And perhaps she is not seeing that yet. But, if you love her, want to be with her, and are committed to being faithful etc. maybe the best you can do is simply repeat and reassure her on those facts and remind her that your crossdressing is nothing to do with your commitment to her. And if she really loves and respects you maybe she'll see that you are still the same person and that crossdressing does not change anything that's important to your relationship.

Anyway, good luck, I really hope this works out for you and your partner

Kay

xx

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Sarah

Sorry to hear your partners first "thought through" response was not what you would have wanted

You need to reassure her that you are still the same person you were before you told her, about your CD nature, and that the ONLY thing that has changed is that she now knows about it.

Assure her that you gave her this information because you love her and needed to be totally open and truthful.

Vikki

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Hi Sarah,

I came out of the closet 3 years ago, so the details might be a bit fuzzy by now...

It appears that you're doing the right thing. I personally couldn't live with hiding things from my wife, and had to open up to her. It just didn't feel right any other way.

A piece of sage advice I got here 3 years ago was to not press the issue. It's so difficult to keep quiet once the door has been opened, but it's better to let your partner assimilate and ask questions than it is to keep bringing it up. In the meantime, show her that your relationship is as important as ever - reassurance is more important now than ever.

For me, after my first coming out, there were two weeks of stony silence. It was a scary time, but ended when my wife phoned me from a department store to ask what bra size I would wear. We've worked our way through several rough patches along the way, and we're still a solid married couple to this day.

Pay attention to her needs now, more than ever - that's the most important thing I can advise...

I wish you all the best!

Love, Megan

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  • Forum Moderator

Sarah, you have had excellent advise. Her history is definitely going to complicate this for her but each of us is an individual and as long as we keep working on it and keep communication open there is a good chance for it to work out. Seldom is anyone accepting at first. And it has been my observation in the thousands of posts I have read that it is those partners who are immediately accepting that become the most problematic eventually.

Even after living with this for more than half a century and facing it and what it means in my life for 18 months I still have moments of confusion and denial. It will take time. Just keep reassuring her and communicating. I keep stressing communication because I believe that really is the key to the survival of a relationship.

I wish you and your partner all the best

Johnny

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Guest sonia shadows

Sarah,

you have done by far the best thing by telling your partner, although it doesn't feel like it right now.

Someone has already said it- don't press her, when the time is appropriate say your feelings for are exactly the same as they always have been, all the things she saw in you before are still there and that CDing and your feelings for her are seperate. Just be there for her at anytime with open arms. It might be enough, it might not. tell her you are giving her everything you have now; you have bared your soul absolutely and you really want her to be with you. She will have to decide in her own time whether Cding is acceptable at all; you may have to offer compromises in what you do to keep the relationship together. Put your heart on the line if you want her.

I am thinking of you both and will do many times today. Hoping for you. We will be here for you whatever, if it helps. Sorry I don't do prayers, not quite my philosophy!

Sonia

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Sarah,

The others before me have given you very good advice. I cannot stress enough that anybody in a similar situation must be VERY aware that their partner has likely been blindsided by such information and it may take years or more to fully absorb the implications...

I am also 'working through' my trans issues with a partner that I intend to keep for the rest of my life, but with mixed results. Every day is a different day and her attitude can be all over the map. One step forward, two steps back, as they say...Overall, she still loves me and she is trying to understand...but honestly, she may decide someday that my trans-ness is too big of an obstacle for her to overcome. I am doing everything I can to build our relationship up, even in the face of overwhelming odds against us. I owe her that much, at least, and I refuse to just let my relationship with her wither and die. I love her with all my heart!!

Best of luck to you as your situation unfolds. It will not be easy, but living honestly is its own reward!

Love and luminescence, Svenna

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Guest MsAmethyst

I am new here and don't know anyone, I can only relay my story and findings in hopes of helping dispatch your worries.

When I met my wife... I knew she was the one, as she did I... soul mates... (yeah... the electric shock thing is real. So I didn't have to wait the typical 2 weeks to see if we fit together before telling her. We had been in long distance contact for about a month. She listened and said she loved me for me, knowing my feelings, from our long nightly four hour telephone conversations.

Before the questions came out I assured her I didn't have Gay tendencies and wanted a second love, and no, I wasn't going to change sexes in mid stream, making her just a friend.

Now came the problem, this may help you. I wanted to dress to show her, she became completely skittish, telling me it was ok but she couldn't "see" me dressed. We sat down and hugged and I drew her fears from her. There were but 2...

1 "When you dress... do you become a whole different person?" Good question... logical. I told her... no, if anything... I become more relaxed, and easy going.

2 "I'm afraid you will look nicer than me". LOL... that was as funny a concern as I ever heard. When these two questions were cleareed up... I went to my room and dressed.

She said I now have a man I want to marry and a potential girlfriend too.

I hope this helps, she may just have concerns of losing her man. You have kept a secret from her and she may need her quick found fears comforted away.

You did right by her in letting her know, and I feel things will be for the best.

~Amy

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Guest MsAmethyst

<Red Face>...Looks like I should have read all the posts before trying to help. I guess I was a bit late in trying to help.

Yes secrets and trust are intertwined... that's a tough one.

If I may step in further...

I guess bad timing... never confess anything when someone is on their way out. This information may have needed some cuddle & comforting time to ease.

My concern is the shock may have brought out a sad face at the shower. Perhaps bringing friends to ask about her pain. Now if she told one or two, looking for advice... your "problem" isn't with your loved one... but with those that may have ginen her advice. (Been there, had that happen. Her friendship was too strong and we broke up. Way for my best as I have a wonderful wife now.)

There are many ideas I and others can give, but not knowing you or your loved one... it would be wrong to give.

It's a tough break for you both that she had an past bad experience with a crossdresser. Best guess... DON'T fight. Damage control... console her, take her fears away, think and act positive. I still "feel" things will come out ok.

~Amy

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  • 2 months later...
Guest heather47

I am married and have been cding since 5. My wife has no idea thati dothis. I am so depressed all the time because I want to tellher, but I am afraid. I really wouldlike to come out of the closet but am really scared. Plz help me

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  • Admin

Heather, why don't you make this your own topic here dear and give us a bit more info on yourself so we can get your started with your own plan? My suggestion is to re-read some of what is above here and on the other topics. There is some great stuff here already, but tailoring it to your own situation makes it better.

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Guest heather47

Heather, why don't you make this your own topic here dear and give us a bit more info on yourself so we can get your started with your own plan? My suggestion is to re-read some of what is above here and on the other topics. There is some great stuff here already, but tailoring it to your own situation makes it better.

Thank u vicky. I will go into more detail tomorrow. So maybe u can work out aplan. Thanks again

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest ValerieM

Sarah - I just told my wife 3 weeks ago. She said the same things exactly. We are now talking openly about it and she has found a councelor. She encouraged me to join tri-ess. She is slowly coming around but it is still rough and a bit awkward. Hope it improves for each of us.

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