Jealousy and anger! How to cope?

[Guest Talon]

Hey everybody,

I'm not sure this is the exact right spot for this post but a lot of people, guys and girls, seem to visit "our side" so I'll put it here

I was at a family dinner the other day and there was a toddler there, a little boy. He was of course running around being cute and getting everyone's attention. While I like the boy a lot and think he is hilarious, I felt uncomfortable with him and experienced this sort of anger with him. It confused me because I didn't know why and I thought about it when I came home. I found out that I had been feeling jealous of the kid all night. He didn't steal my thunder or take attention away from me in any way and it was not a personal issue at all. But his mere presence made me feel so jealous of him that I didn't feel like playing with him, holding him or laughing at funny things he did. I just wished he would get tired and go to sleep. I've been around him many times and never felt like that before. It reminds me of the way I used to feel about my brother when my Dad did boy stuff with him or when I looked at bio guys while growing up who could run around shirtless and get dirty and rip their clothes without anybody commenting on it. The more I thought if it and of all these feelings from the past, the angrier I got. And the more ashamed I felt because it is totally unreasonable to feel so angry with a person who hasn't done anything to hurt you. Especially a little kid.

I felt so jealous and angry with him because he is a little boy, his parents dress him up in cool boy's clothes, his father roughs him around for fun and he gets to play, run and fight all over the place and get called "little man", "son" etc. I concluded that if he was a little girl I wouldn't feel this jealousy at all. He has his whole life in front of him in the right gender (unless he turns out to be trans of course) and that made me angry to look at because I didn't have that. It makes me feel so old and like I missed out on a big part of my young adult life because I am 24 now and only starting my transition although I have always known.

I know I am still young and many start later than me. And I know that I got to live like a boy for a big part of my childhood because my parents let me do many things the way I wanted to. I know I'm not that old but seeing the kid made me feel like everything was too late, that I'd wasted so much time that never comes back (although I know I wasn't ready till now) and I I felt this uncontrollable surge or rage because of the things trans people have to deal with. As I said, it made me feel so ashamed afterwards to have felt rage towards a little kid who I actually like.

I haven't felt this way in a long time. Not this strong anyway. I haven't been able to quite shake my anger since the family dinner and it's turned into a heavy bout of dysphoria. It's so painful to be brought back to the past and be reminded of those feelings.

Do you ever feel like that around someone and how do you deal with your jealousy and anger? I do not want to feel that way around the boy every time I see him and I want to be able to control and manage the feeling if my brother and his wife have a boy sometime.

I'd love to hear your advice.

Thank you!!

Talon.

[JJ]

Talon, what you are feeling is painful and difficult and something I suspect we all go through to some degree. That anger and pain isn't new - it's just coming out to the surface. And uncomfortable as that is, it is also a good thing in a way because it gives you a chance to face it and work through it.

I know when my daughter's fiance moved in I went through it-and still resent it sometimes. He once told my daughter that he thought my occasional hostility was jealousy (He was wrong. It has much more to do with him being a redneck macho jerk with a drinking problem). But I have no desire to look like him, or God forbid be like him, but I do tend to get angry that he has this male body and runs around with his shirt off, etc. when he is not inside half the man I am. It seems so unfair. Well, it is unfair. But life is unfair. And yes, I have had days when I look at almost any man I see and feel cheated. Not only of the body they take for granted but maybe even more of the easy taking for granted of their gender and place in the world.

I think from what I have read and observed in life almost everyone with a serious birth defect feels the same way at some point. I just accept that it is normal to feel this way. That I have the right to be angry and grieve now and then as long as I don't dwell on it or let it become a focus of my life. After awhile I say "Enough" and start looking at what I do have. Because I just can't afford the time and mental energy to waste on "should have been" or jealousy. After giving myself a few moments I also force myself to interact nicely with my daughter's partner when I feel like that because giving in and avoiding him or getting nasty just reinforces the feelings. Eventually they fade and each time they come back a little less strong.

You have to learn to face and fight the feelings rather than pushing them down or denying them. When you push them down or deny them they just grow and crop up again and again.

You don't know what life holds for that little boy. You don't even know if he actually likes being a little boy and of course he is just a focus for your feelings. Life cheated us. It cheats lots of people in lots of ways. What matters isn't what we lost but what we do about it.

Hope this helps some anyway. There really are no easy answers to this.

Johnny

[Guest Risu]

Johnny is right, there are no easy answers but somehow I doubt there are many here who can give a better answer than that.

I too have felt this way. Its not fair and its incredibly painful. I don't know why we're given this burden to bear but like Johnny said we have to face it and deal with it, otherwise it will become more of a plague to our existence. We can never truly have what we lost. The most we can do is make the most of our future.

Being trans will lead you down a road you'd never have walked if you were a cisguy, and there is a potential to meet some amazing people on that road. True friends who like you for more than the physical body we take for granted, and sincere, genuine loves who see what really matters in you. Being trans will also open your mind in ways you'd never imagine. No... you don't get to be that little boy, nor do I get to be that little girl, but we have a very unique set of life experiences that can teach us so much if we open ourselves up to the lessons. There are things to cherish that come with being trans, they just take time like everything else.

It is perfectly normal and healthy to feel this way. We need to grieve what we lost, and we may never stop grieving. But if we face it and accept it and move on it will become less and less painful.

*hugs *

~Risu.

[Guest leo]

Great advice jj. That also helped me as I often feel the same. I really can't help it or know how to control my emotion. Maybe it's cus I'm pre t?! I duno but it really gets me down

[Guest Talon]

Thank you for your advice! I will take it all to heart! You're right, can't let it be what your life centers around, have to learn to manage those feelings.

It really helped to think twice about the fact that everyone is dealt their own tricky hands in life. If it's not being trans, it is something else. Everyone has something in their life that they have to struggle with. Of course, the relief is not to rejoice in other peoples' struggling but it does put things into perspective and I think I can personally use it in dealing with jealousy towards other people.

Leo, I am pre-T too. My thought is, without knowing, that the jealousy might be alleviated a little bit once T shows its effects. The feeling will probably never go away but at least we will have some of the things we want so much. That may help. I hope so.

For me, I think I need to focus more on the positive side of being trans as far as love and relationships goes. It scares me half to death to think of telling a future gf about me and that is the thing that causes me to become dysphoric more than anything else. But I guess the good thing is that you get to "weed out" potential superficial people from the start. I want to experience and cherish the depth and wisdom you can get from being trans in myself and others.

It is great advice, thank you for sharing!! I really appreciate it.

Talon.

[Guest leo]

Talon telling a future girlfriend isn't as hard as it seems. I used to think that until I meet my mrs, I was completely honest with her from the beginning, 2 years on and still strong. Live together and got a beautiful daughter

[Guest UnicornGiggles]

I have much the same feelings towards my nephews. One is 15 and having all the puberty I never got, and the other is 2 and running around in the cutest outfits, with the coolest toys, etc. etc.

It's not uncommon to be jealous/envious of MAAB relatives and friends. Just concentrate on any affection you feel and hopefully it will outweigh any negative feelings.

[Guest Treygus]

I have a lot of jealousy and anger that sometimes gets too built up. I think it's pretty normal to feel that way, at least that's what my counselor tells me haha

[Guest Taylan]

Oh man i know! I HAVE A LITTLE PERFECT BROTHER, and i used to be the youngest child on "that side of the family" as well, NOT anymore. There go the only flowers in a field of weeds.

p.s im 14

[Guest Taylan]

Oh, if he grows to be taller than me too, i just might shoot somebody >.>.

I love the kid tho.

[Guest MissSiul]

I do feel like that sometimes.It makes think how fun it would be to be treated

as "daddy's little girl",getting female presents from relatives(but not super girly or hot pink),being treated like that since very young,getting those "new hairstyle" moments with female relatives,being one of the girls.I'm 16 and sometimes feel that I've lost those years in the wrong body.

It makes me quite jelous seeing my 7 year old cousin get compliments like "wow you are such a pretty girl","you are going to be a beautiful young lady" and all that stuff.

I know that I have a lot of time,but sometimes I wish I could go back in time being born female,to have a "daughter" role in the family...

I believe is normal

[Guest Falcon]

I understand what you mean. I get that all the time.

I find that I hold more anger and jealousy towards those my age, or those who are younger. When your classmate or someone younger than you are can wear suits or dress shirts to formal events, it just really makes me feel very bitter, and I start to find fault in those people without realizing it. I often feel bad about it later on, because I tend to forget that these people are my friends and that I love them all, plus the fact that they haven't done anything wrong.

I got that feeling of jealousy most when my classmates started hitting puberty. We'd been friends since the first day of school, and it felt very alien for all of their voices to start changing while mine didn't, and it almost drove me crazy when they grew facial hair.

When I was younger, no older than 7, my brother and all my cousins became monks and novices for a month, and I felt very left out, not understanding why Buddhism had to exclude women. Just last year, a friend of mine, who's a year younger than I am, became a novice, only to break most of the precepts. I had these thoughts about how I wouldn't be breaking the precepts if I were only lucky enough to be born male. Sometimes you get that feeling that other people have the chance to do so many things you'll never get to do in your entire life, but they take it for granted.

[Guest Kael147]

Hey Talon,

Lately I've been getting peed off with bio guys I don't even know. Especially those who don't seem to realize what they have. I know it is mean and I feel terrible when I think it, but I recognize it as pure jealousy. It is super hard to explain, but I think to myself - here these guys are they look like sh.., they dress to hide their bodies, don't look after their bodies, and they don't even realize that by virtue of their gender they have so much! Not to mention, that I would give anything to trade places with them and that I'd make sure I looked like a "guy"! I know it is my own image of what men are "supposed" to look like and that everyone is different. I feel so pathetic some times! Funny thing is at one point in my life I thought I was a super jerk for being so judgmental, but I was actually jealous.

I just want my body to be right - it doesn't seem like so much to ask for.

I think you hit a chord for me - hmmmm....

Kael

[Guest Talon]

This sense of unfairness absolutely overtakes me as well sometimes. Especially, like Kael said, when you see guys who don't take good care of themselves or don't realize what they have. I know it is everyone's individual choice to do what they want with their lives and bodies. As a transguy, however, I find it hard to suppress my jealousy when I meet guys who don't really seem to give a hoot about their awesome potential as a guy, don't use the testosterone they were given to build muscle, tone their bodies and so on. I know this jealousy (that even turns to anger sometimes) is irrational but it's there and I can't really stop it.

Talon.

[Guest Lelouch]

I totally feel for you man. I get really jealous when I see the guys joking around with each other. I know my friends accept me and all, since they do use the term to refer to guys in our language when talking to me, but I can't help but feel rather cheated that I can't act around normally with them without them feeling awkward about certain gestures since I'm still physically a girl. Just makes me real depressed. I'm just glad I haven't slipped into one of my major fits when I could care less about anything except suicide.

[Guest Clair Dufour]

Funny how parents love sweet little boys over hyperactive little girls.

Falcon: Your comment about boys going off to be monks was interesting. They do that and later they draw lots to serve your Kings army. It is interesting that also includes Gays and Ladyboys! No males are exempt. It seems that the one good thing about being female is that all that is optional. There are Nuns in Thailand http://www.pachapati.mbu.ac.th/# and there are women in the Kings army. Historicaly very fierce fighters, proven again not so long ago by their sisters in Cambodia, Laos and Vietnam.

In earlier posts you were talking about telling your parents your trans. Let me ask you, what would they say if you told them you wanted to become a nun? Even to spend School Holiday as a Novice?

[Guest Falcon]

Funny how parents love sweet little boys over hyperactive little girls.

Falcon: Your comment about boys going off to be monks was interesting. They do that and later they draw lots to serve your Kings army. It is interesting that also includes Gays and Ladyboys! No males are exempt. It seems that the one good thing about being female is that all that is optional. There are Nuns in Thailand http://www.pachapati.mbu.ac.th/# and there are women in the Kings army. Historicaly very fierce fighters, proven again not so long ago by their sisters in Cambodia, Laos and Vietnam.

In earlier posts you were talking about telling your parents your trans. Let me ask you, what would they say if you told them you wanted to become a nun? Even to spend School Holiday as a Novice?

ROTC is indeed optional for females in the country. On the other hand, if your assigned gender at birth is Male, then you have no choice but to serve in the army, regardless of whether or not you are straight or trans.

As for the Nun part, yes, you are correct, but while the number of precepts monks follow are well over 200, Nuns have about the same number of precepts as novices, nowhere close to a hundred. Their lifestyles are also drastically different, and to become a nun would probably make my dysphoria worse. I don't think about it too much nowadays. What I said was merely my opinion on the subject when I was a kid.

My parents are extremely religious and are very supportive of Buddhism, but my brother and I are more inclined towards the philosophy of the religion. I don't spend a whole lot of time praying or worshipping anything, but like how Buddhist philosophy is very scientifically reasonable. A lot of the time, people give me weird looks if I tell them I have no religion, but I'd personally rather stick to science and logic if I can help it, so instead, I tell them I believe in Buddhist philosophy, which isn't too much different.

I didn't mention all these points because it would stray from the topic itself, which deals with jealousy and coping with anger.

[Guest Call me DEAN]

Talon, I understand those feelings perfectly. When I see other guys making stupid jokes about girls, I wanna be laughing with them. I wanna be able to attract women who can see me as a man. I want people to see me as I see myself. I often get very angry when people make comments such as ''Wow, a girl who roleplays! That's rare!'' and I also tend to get jealous at random men I see walking down the streets.

The most frustrating part is not being able to just TELL them, make them understand. *sighs* Ain't easy...

[Guest Talon]

Hey Dean,

Yeah exactly.. I hate when people are like "Oh a female mechanic, WAUW!" and I'm seething and screaming inside "I AM NOT A GIRL!!!!". But yeah if you just tell them like "Actually, I am not a girl, even if you think I look female I do see myself as male so please do the same" they wouldn't exactly understand it right away. I hate that spot where you can't just make people see what you see. It's hard to live when you're not perceived for who you are! So totally with you on that one, brother!

I can't wait for the day when we have beards and deep voices and no one will ever think twice when we walk down the street

All the best!

Talon.