Finding a new partner and coming out to them

[Guest sonia shadows]

Hi all. I have started seperation from my wife of 21 years and have joined a dating site.

I never told my wife when we married that I was a cross dresser. I wasn't sure what I was and didn't come to terms with it until my mid 40s.

I need the company, affection and physical side of things from a woman. So, I have joined a dating site and have started to meet women of a similar age. The issue is, as members of this site will realise, is that my wife felt shocked and betrayed when I came out about CDing.

So, now I am dating, I need to tell women about being a CDer. My opinion is that it is possible, not certain that there will be a woman will be able to cope with this. So, when to bring the subject up? I think timing is really important as I don't want to be too involved and hurt anyone, (and get hurt myself) but want to give myself a chance by not making it part of my profile or discussing it in the early conversations I have. What do you think? Anyone been here before me? Will it be rounds of one knock out blow after another?

Wish me luck!!?

sonia shadows

[Michelle 2010]

Hi Sonia, I think you are asking the core question that faces all crossdressers. Fear of not finding an accepting mate or even of finding one at all, if they know... I have been married for a long time and an "arrangement" was had that allowed me to express on the occasional basis, provided it took place when she was not present, it never left the home, and no one else knew... toss in the arrival of children etc, and if gets complicated.

The primary problem with such an arrangement is the underlying assumption that it is something dirty and perverted and such. In the last eighteen months i started attending a TG support group, learned alot about myself, the nature of my trans experience, and got around people who are just trans folks doing the best they can in life. The shame has faded as I came to accept myself on a new level. I started systematically disclosing to people over the last 10 months and @15 now know who I am and what I am about, having seen me in femme or at least photos. My Two Spirit journey has grown tremendously, I present at home and among a few select friends regularly, and am glad I had the courage to deal with the issue in a healthy way.

To answer your question regarding finding accepting women, If I were in the dating scene I would probably look for eligible ladies who were loosely associated with the Lgbt scene, as friends of gays, trans, people etc. I think any large city has them. They could be supporters at Pride events, club scenes, political events, or just about anywhere. That way you don't need to lead a closeted existence when you find a woman... she can accept rather than "put up" with it.

If you are shopping mainstream ladies through conventional channels, I would think you would want to establish that you are a pretty Cool Guy by having a number of dates whereby she knows what a prize catch you are before coming out. This could be 3-6 dates maybe? Btw, my GT asked me if I could perform sexually in a non CD setting... If that is an issue for you, you may want to disclose early since I believe most ladies don't wait till the 6th date to go to bed with a guy anymore, lol!

Anyhow, whatever path you chose, I believe your self acceptance will play a major part in another's acceptance of that part of you. If you come from shame or awkwardness, it may be received as such. If you disclose with a healthy attitude that this is just a part of who I am, it will benefit you. My strategy would also be to not act like a macho guy when dating. And if I was 250 pounds I would lose some weight before showing my feminine side. No woman wants a guy to look better than her in a dress but she also probably doesn't want to see a gorilla in a dress either.

Good luck and I hope this provides some food for thought

Michelle

[Guest KayJo]

Sonia honey,

Great question. And we could talk all day about what exactly it is about CD'ing that freaks so many SOs out so much (its a puzzle to me because Cd'ing is just so harmless). But many do. However, there are a number of TG MtF folk and CD'ers here who have solid surviving relationships with their SOs, so its possible. I think you want to be open (I would If I was back on the market) but be careful about when to reveal. I'd say you should do that fairly early and bring it up in as matter of fact way as you can. You'll find women in the world who will put up with it, women who fully accept it and (rarer) women who find it an actual attraction, in addition to those who react badly. Something tells me that its the surprise rather than the fact that give so many longterm partners the heebie-jeebies. As if the fact that it was kept under wraps for years was the offensive thing rather than the actual CD'ing???

Good luck,

Kay

xx

[Carolyn Marie]

Sonia, I wish there was a simple answer, but I don't think there is. If it were me, I wouldn't say anything until the dating became steady or serious. But I would certainly tell a partner before commitments were made.

It's a crap shoot, for sure. I wish you luck.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest Mellissawi]

For me it all kind of happened by mistake, but I am glad it did. I have been dating my gf for about 2 1/2 years now. Just under a year ago we were in kind of a sassy conversation about different things we like or would like to try sexually. Well I thought she was ready to hear it, but I was a little wrong. I told her that I like to crossdress. She was rather taken back and wasnt too sure at first. But she has looked at it with an open mind. Needless to say we are still together. We talk about it often and she has even donated some of her old cloths to me and had shopped for me. She is not ready to see me as Mellissa but is very accepting. I am glad it did come out, it is hard and dangerous to be hiding these kinds of secrets. So if you can be open with your mate. If it works out great, if not sadly enough you may be better off. Its not something that shoukd be hidden from the one you care about and if they care enough they will accept you for who you are.

[Guest elliscd]

I used to hide the fact that I'm a cross-dresser, but now I make a point of telling girls at the end of the first date (assuming all has gone well of course and I've secured a second date). To put it into context, I'm not completely out, but most of my female friends know and a solid core of my male friends. It's still a little hair-raising, but I try to turn it the other way and reassure the girl that its ok if they're not interested in dating because of it or if they're still interested in me but don't particularly want to see it. So far it has never posed a problem, and tbh I find it tends to filter out the girls with less desirable attitudes. Still, I'm a student at a very LGBT friendly university so perhaps I'm just in a good environment to take that approach.

Did you have any luck?

[Guest Clair Dufour]

I think one should be honest right off when presenting themselves to possible mates. First of all how can your have an honest intimate relationship if your holding part of your sextuality back from your partner? This may have wrecked the last one. I second checking out the LGBTQ community. It includes us CD's and fans you know. Also, in your age group are women also on the rebound that are ready for something different.

[Guest sonia shadows]

Hi, everybody, thanks for your comments and thoughts.

First the great news. I have been talking on line regularly with 4 women and chose one to date after many (20+) long conversations on skype before meeting for the first time. She is a very thoughtful, honest and caring women, non materialistic and not demanding of my time. I revealed that I was a cross dresser during the skype conversations and had to explain fully what it was as she was a bit naive about it. She seemed to find it easy to accept but we are still at an early stage as I have not gone into any detail about it. I suppose it helps that I am a closet cross dresser who partakes only for a sexual thrill in private. The fact it does not involve others and is kept private are essential in her accepting it and not impeding the other parts of the relationship. However, she is absolutely nutty about me, which is incredibly flattering for me; my feelings for her are also very strong and I could easily live with her as a partner; the feeling is mutual, it is our personal circumstances that makes it impossible for the forseeable future. She has placed great trust in me; for the last 4 months I have still been living with my wife and family; even for most of it continuing existing bedroom arrangements. I can only look in awe at her faith in me; it is of course perfectly judged and I intend to repay her confidence in full.

One of the other women I messaged with understood what it was about but would not be able to have a relationship with me because of it. This leaves me a bit uneasy as I have come out and been 'rejected' without knowing exactly what she feels about it and if she will be discreet about me in the future.

I think that the advice to have a few dates to prove what a cool guy I am have been fulfilled by the extensive skyping we made together. I probably am a 'good catch', I listen, try to understand, empathise and am easy going. I am probably attractive as a man, and a bit of a sexual athelete when required (not bragging!). This latter would certainly address concerns that a woman might have about my sexuality. I must add that since the stress of separation and divorce has reduced my sex drive has been much reduced, and the result has been hardly any cross dressing activity.

Someone has commented that my concealing of being a cross dresser from my wife may have lead to the eventual divorce. This is definitely a contributing factor, she said it destroyed her trust in me and it took her a while to return to normal sexual activity with me and loving intimacy. I had to go through several hoops to prove that I was faithful and convince her that I had no other 'revealations' hidden away. She was a faithful wife and great mother for over 20 years and I have nothing but respect for her despite her current behaviour, which has really developed after a number of stressful events in her life. For my part, I was a devoted and loving husband and father, put everything before my own personal wants in our marrige. I am still trying to ensure that she has a comfortable existence when we finally start seperation. She is the mother of my children and has not deserted her responsiblities; maybe leans on me a bit at the moment but I can live with that because of the wider issues.

So, things are very positive at the moment, although there is much to go through yet before things can be said to be a success. Most anxiety is reserved for negotiating divorce and seeing how my girl friends feelings towards me develops and changes in the coming years. I will be really happy if we can make it into a permanent relationship. Hope my experiences are interesting for forum members, it is great to be able to share with like minded people.

best wishes to all from Sonia

[Guest KayJo]

Glad to hear things are looking up for you Sonia. Hope they continue to do so,

Hugs,

Kay

xx

[Guest StephanyR]

Hi. I was in your heels at one time. I have to say this much before and i mean before you get serious bring this subject up. Be honest and say something like or you can ask her ... what do you think of men wearing womens clothes or ask her how open she is... or you can say like I love silky things... I even wear silky underwear.. see what she says.... or just come right out and ask her. What do you think of crossdressers? This way it shows you are open and HONEST!! right from the beginning. Don't settle for less. settle for what you want. You have to be happy and comfortable in your life. Why go around hiding things from the woman your suppose to spend your life with? Life is to be enkoyed by every one.......

[Guest ChloëC]

Hi Sonia,

I'm a little late, but I thought I would share some of my experiences with you. I've been a mostly closeted cross-dresser since at least age 5. Perhaps I have some TS in me, but I have opted to not explore that path. I married when I was 22 and never told my first wife. We had a son at 5 yrs into the marriage and then 1 year later she left me. Cross dressing never came up and I firmly don't believe it was ever an issue, although starting about 3 years into the marriage, the feelings got very strong and I yielded to them at times, but we remained intimate right up until she walked out, that was the last part of our marriage to disappear. I didn't tell her because at age 22 and in 1969, I thought, ok, marriage will 'cure' me. It didn't of course. She walked out when our son was 1 and I raised him by myself for the next several years. Anyway, I'm glad I never told her because she became very bitter in later years and caused me (and my second wife and our family and hers and my son and his family now) all sorts of problems. Our grandkids don't want to see here and they love me when I visit. The upshot of this part of my life is I'm glad I never told her because if I had, she would have made life he** for me and my loved ones.

I was single for 3 years raising my son the first two. She took him over for a year, then I've had him ever since. In that year I was alone, I began investigating my cross-dressing feelings (or now, my feminine side) to a great degree. When I met another woman, I was still kind of hoping that this would cure me. We married and shortly after we did, we were alone one night in the bedroom and we decided to each share a deep dark secret. Hers wasn't as bad as she thought (but it wasn't nice either), and I told her mine. I suppose in the moment, sharing like that, it means a little more. Anyway since then she has promised and re-iterated a number of times over our 33 yr marriage that she would never tell anyone, no matter what.

We started to try to incorporate some my desires into our intimate moments, but it wasn't the same. I'm heterosexual - totally - and being intimate as a male to my wife was and is very positive. I coudn't do it dressed. I still cd but in privacy and never to embarrass her or our two daughters or my son or his kids. One daughter did sort of notice something, but we explained it off. Anyway, the upshot here is, I've been through a messy divorce, very, very messy. And I know what people can feel like. So I do have some trepidation over my current wife knowing, because I know in a divorce, there are times that one or both parties want to hurt the other in some way. Sad but true. And bringing my cd into the open would obviously be a tremendous hurt. But that's the chances you take.

I felt it was right in not telling my first, and right in telling my second, and so far, for 40+ years both have been the right decisions. Hopefully the decisions you come to will be right for you. Just remember, no guarantees. Still, we just do what we can in life hoping it will work out.

Hugz

Chloë

[Guest Emilly]

I told a girl when we first met and I got her number. We were in army detention together.

[Guest josrphine]

Hi Sonia, I am one of the success story. I have been married twice, the first ended because she wanted a man that worked in a suit an tie plus she had a guy on the side. That ended for her as I found out, the story years later from my oldest daughter. My second had know about my C Ding and did not want to see me dressed, after 30 yrs she too found a boy friend that ended very good for me . I got paid. I am now living with a great women that loves me more as a woman then a man. I will now get to the point. I found that if you let the women know right off the bat it cuts thru a lot of anguish , I had dated at least 6 women here in Florida at the age of 65 to start an they all loved me when I told them. I had good times with them an we all parted friends except one she got upset that I left her, met my Melissa . Melissa comment to me was I am a New York city girl so what. Well it has been 6 yrs an we are having a lot of fun going out as sisters , she bought me a wig that is just like her hair. Another thing is that we are both the same size in cloths an shoes 10 1/2 . When I first met her she was a widow of 2 yrs so she had a lot of black cloths. When I moved in an brought my cloths she started wearing them, this caused a problem for a while as it was a race to see who got to wear what. We now have a lot of cloths an shoes even matching outfits. We go to P town in Mass , Key West here in Florida, and out to places around our home with me dressed. The more you do it the more u look and act like a women.. I don't want to become a women I just like the cloths,had a fleeting moment about it but said if they like me this way why go thru all the pain. Also I found that making love with a women dressed as a women brings up some very exciting moments. Then senior comes < no pun intend > into play an I have had some of the most amazing sex EVER. Tell them right off the bat save a lot of drink money that way. JO

[Guest Eve Caillard]

Hi Sonia

There are some tough stories on this thread. As you might have noticed from my posts I suddenly discovered I am a cross dresser, and immediately blew right into it, mostly by accident, at the tender age of 53 and right on celebrating my 30 wedding anniversary. Not only was the transformation a total, bewildering shock to me, it made me really think hard where I am going in the next few years. I made the decision based on what I read to let my wife know ASAP. It was a very scary thing to do and I wrote her an e-mail confessing what was happening in these confusing weeks, and asking for her support.

Now, my wife is a very pragmatic person and she decided to accept it with certain rules in place. I was sorely tempted to hide it all out of embarrassment, but I chose to tell her absolutely everything, even down to the use of breast forms. No doubt it was a shock to her but support on this site gave me a massive help! (Thank you all).

Now she jokes with me about it, and I can leave my clothes in the bedroom and not ever fear her stumbling across a hidden cache.

In my view, being upfront and honest from the earliest moment has been a wise decision. Not only has she seen and accepted my change (I showed her a photo), but I know I never need to fear 'discovery'. Today I received a parcel in the post with a gorgeous blouse I wanted. Literally a minute ago I let her know that was what was in the parcel. She knows. No secrets. It makes our life so much easier.

I doubt she'll ever really participate, but I know I have a partner rather than a fear.

Good luck Sonia (and others!) I wish you well.

Hugs!

Eve

[Guest Guest_]

A wonderful ending to a scarry topic. Godbless you both. Love Amber L.

[Guest sonia shadows]

Good evening everybody. It has taken me a while, but I have managed to retrace my steps, find my email account and log into the site again. Various life issues have taken up my time since november 2011.

I am really happy to say I have the same girlfriend since then and she has encourages me in many aspects of CDing in a sincere and genuine way. We have really fallen in love and are planning for the day when we can share life together.

This has made an enormous difference to my state of mind and made me realise that I was living in tension over CDing in my marrige and it has lifted an enormous weight from my soul.

It is, however, still difficult to disclose to anyone except my closest friends and family that I am a CD. I have children and still think that it would adversely affect them. I am a 'closet' CDer by preference, so it does not need to be public for my to get the release I enjoy from CDing.

Divorce from my wife has not gone to our mutual agreement that we made when we split up as she has petitioned for divorce on the grounds of my CDing without advising or consulting me. She has many issues, mostly related to depression, so I can only guess that her decision to break our agreement is that she thinks her problems will be solved by divorcing me and having on record that it was my unreasonable behaviour that caused the divorce. My thoughts are that to dispute her claims are a wate of money that would be better used on my children's further education, so unless I am to be saddled with her legal costs I will proceed with the divorce. If any of you is not aware, I initiated the process of seperation when my wife started and continued to indulge in fetish activity with other men.

So, overall, things are moving along in a satisfactory way with caveats. Hope it remains civilised!!