Confusion, or denial?

[Guest Lady_Robin]

By no means is this initial post the entirety of my feelings and thoughts about my situation; I just want to get the ball rolling so that I can force myself to think about it. I've gone through most of my 25 years as perfectly happy with who I am: a heterosexual man. However, as I have discovered mostly through social experiences with people who were not like the people of my smallish Midwestern hometown and the power of the Internet I began to open up to what I really was, if only by a little bit. Forgive me if I focus too much on sexuality rather than gender identity, I know there is a big difference but the two are connected for me.

At first it was just a slight curiosity in effeminate males and pre-op transsexuals, sexually. But then I began to think about myself. I've never had much luck in the way of romance, for a long time I didn't even have an interest in it because my self-esteem was so low. In school I was always the really nerdy kid who had a small, tight-knit group of friends with no particular desire to get to know other people. I let myself go, and got what I considered to be fat, but simply chubby to others. It didn't matter, I was unattractive, and I didn't care. Come college I didn't change in my ways until it was too late. I learned more about myself, that I was probably bisexual and at the very least open to the idea of crossdressing as a fetish.

However... I am a tad vain and a perfectionist by nature. I did not want to look like a "man in a dress", no offense to anyone else is meant, but I really wanted to look good. It had to wait, and besides, I was still chubby. I didn't get rid of my pudge until Basic Military Training in the Air Force. I went in after college because I didn't have a career planned for an undergraduate degree in Sociology/Criminal Justice. I wanted to get more education, a Master's degree at least. Maybe a job in the government or in academia. However, I still had student loans to pay back, and a lot of them. Military was looking better and better for the benefits, and on top of all of that I knew it would help me get in shape and get some discipline in my life. Little did I realize that in suppressing myself, which is necessary in my military career, I would regret some of my choices.

Over time what I considered to be a fetish grew inside of me. I didn't just find the idea of dressing up in girl's clothes to be sexually stimulating, but more like a burning desire, something I needed to at least try once to see what it was like. I went for over two years, 2009 through 2010, living in situations that prohibited this. I either had roommates or family about, and I wasn't about to start dressing without privacy. So I waited until a more opportune moment arrived. Come 2011, this September to be more precise. I finally "womaned up" and ordered some clothes online. After weeks of eager anticipation I was ably to try on a skirt, panties, a lingerie top, pantyhose, heels, a medium-length wig (because my hair was short), and even makeup! I wanted to really go all out and see if I could really "pass" if I tried. I stayed in the privacy of my own room, but I was very happy with the results. Not only that, but it felt indescribable. It was then that I knew I was at the very least a crossdresser by nature, and I've been buying up clothes since and dressing on most weekends since.

Lately though I don't think this is enough. Dressing up is really fun, and the concept of eventually going out in public is exhilarating to me, but I am faced with a growing need to be more feminine. I don't know if I am transsexual or what to call it, but from what I have gathered I might be androgyne or transgenderist. I find androgyny attractive, but I find myself wanting to be much more feminine than masculine. I have characteristics that help me a bit. Though I am in my mid-twenties I am usually thought to be a teenager who just has a more serious attitude, haha... My face is roundish and my skin's fair and smooth when I shave. I've been confused for a girl before when I had long hair... but now with my short military cut that isn't likely to happen without a wig and traditionally female clothes. I want to be seen as a woman. It would make my day to be seen as one in day to day life. However, I don't really think that I feel like I am a "woman trapped in a man's body" or anything like that. Yes, I may have some characteristics and some personality traits that are feminine, and others that are masculine, and I'm okay with that. I'm not at odds with myself or particularly afraid of it, I just don't quite know how to place myself, what I really want in life.

What do I really find attractive? I think the female form is beautiful, to the point that most of my own masculine characteristics are something to be disposed of. Namely body hair, excess muscle mass, stomach bulk, short head hair, the list goes on and on. However, I feel no desire to be rid of my sexual organs, not just out of fear of the procedures but in overall acceptance of myself. I find breasts appealing, but I don't necessarily want to go through surgery to get implants, and don't find them necessary for myself. In women though, yes they are attractive. I would, however, be interested in HRT to the extent of permanent feminization without the loss of libido. I don't know the particulars about this, so I need to do some research. But I know that as I age I am going to lose my "natural youth", and I would like to start before that happens.

Whew, that went on longer than I thought it would. I appreciate any insight you may have.

<3 Robin

[Guest]

Hello Robin,

Welcome to Laura's Playground! Many of your questions should be answered by working with a professional - a gender therapist.

I can tell you that I was also a "late bloomer", who hadn't even cross-dressed until about 3 years ago. I had an inkling of what was in my mind for years, but had put it aside due to my own transphobia. And even on finally opening that door, I wasn't sure if crossdressing would be sufficient or not. It took me two more years to come to the conclusion that transition was my path.

So, take your time, perhaps experiment more, become familiar with where your needs are, and talk to a therapist who will help you with deciding.

As far as HRT - there's no "designer therapy". Although its effects vary from one person to another, there is no way to make HRT target one organ versus another. Most T-girls on HRT will experience breast growth along with a decrease in male libido and even size. Your effects may be different than others - but there is no way to predict that from the start.

Again, Welcome! I do hope that you find this place as warm and accepting as I did, and that you'll stick around to join in.

Love, Megan

[Guest Lady_Robin]

I figured I would get such an answer. *sigh* Therapy isn't a great option for me at this point in my life. I'm an active-duty military member, and if word got out about my issues I fear I would either get the boot or at least face discrimination, which would lead to losing promotion opportunities and more. I won't mind so much later on towards the end of my enlistment, but I'm only a year in.

Experimentation, discussion with other like-minded people, and introspection is what I am going to have to get by on for years to come, unless I get to the point where I just can't bear it anymore. I've gone for quite a long time feeling like an inadequate man as it is, I suppose a little longer can't hurt too much. It's just disheartening knowing I can't be myself.

[Guest]

Hello Robin,

You may have to go outside the military system to see a gender therapist. Those records are confidential, and wouldn't get back to the military.

Isn't crossdressing okay under the military's new guidelines? You should be able to do lots of experimenting without being in trouble.

Please be careful, but try to get in plenty of "Robin" time as you can. Take care,

Love, Megan