*sigh* therapy...

[Guest Kaitlyn16]

My mom and dad have pretty much forced me to see a therapist. I went to the meeting last friday, and needless to say it did exactly what I told them it would do. Nothing. (For the record this wasn't a gender therapist)

I told my mom about my little gender dilemna awhile back, and since then she has convinced my dad that I need to see a therapist (Though she didn't tell him why though, thank god), and he pretty much forced me to go, and go I went. I went kicking and screaming, I even played the "I'm 18 and you can't force me to see a doctor." card, something that I never used before. I told my mom I wasn't ready to talk about this to anyone yet. In fact, I didn't even want to tell her, the only reason I did was because she was smothering me with so much concern that it was becoming pitiful.

My dad told me that I needed to go, and that while I was there I could talk about whatever I wanted. I could even "play the Tony Soprano and just sit there with your legs crossed" for all he cared, so long as I went. I argued, telling him it was a waste of money, and that I was going to do just that, but he would hear nothing of it.

So yes, I went. I went and wasted 45 minutes of my life. I didn't exactly sit there like a silent douchebag, because I didn't want to torture the therapist, it wasn't his fault that I was there. I ended up talking about school, my job and my social life and stuff, but I made sure to leave out any transgender related things.

It wasn't all a waste though, I realized an interesting, and potentially dangerous trait that I have.

It would seem that I am capable of fooling anyone (even myself, albeit temporarily) into believing that I am the most perfectly happy 18 year old 'boy' in the world. By the time the meeting was over, he was confused as to why I was even there at all, and to be honest, I didn't know why I was there either.

I know it probably sounds funny, but when I was in the room with that therapist, I felt like I hadn't a care in the world. Of course, as soon as I left, I remembered just how boring and depressing my life actually was, it hit me like a smack across the face.

I can't say this surprises me. I mean, if I really am transgender, then that probably means that a majority of my life has been a lie, so how could I not be capable of fooling myself?

[Drea]

Of course it wouldn't achieve anything, therapy can only work when one is willing to get something out of it.

[Guest Jaded1]

It is none of my business but why are you so relunctant to discuss your issues and thoughts with a therapist? You do know that what you tell him is privileged, right?

I mean if you can tell perfect strangers for the purpose of venting/seeking advice/gaining perspective, why the hesitantcy to tell a trained professional that can possibly even help?

[Guest KimberlyF]

So, do you consider the end result in the therapist's office as a 'win' that you can fool a therapist? They can't make you open up to them. They get paid the same. You didn't waste THEIR time.

I know it's not easy, but it can't hurt you if you get another chance.

[Guest Kaitlyn16]

It is none of my business but why are you so relunctant to discuss your issues and thoughts with a therapist? You do know that what you tell him is privileged, right?

I mean if you can tell perfect strangers for the purpose of venting/seeking advice/gaining perspective, why the hesitantcy to tell a trained professional that can possibly even help?

Telling you guys is completely different from telling the therapist in my eyes, mostly due to the fact that I can't see you guys face to face, and you have no way of finding out who I am in real life. But the therapist has my name, face, school, and even my insurance card. He knows everything O.o

I know my fears are all stupid, I know its all confidential, and the therapist cant tell anyone anything, but the fact that he has the resources to tell everyone that I know is why I cant open up. It doesnt matter whether or not he will, the fact is he can. Silly I know, but thats the only reason I can think of for not being able to talk to him...

Now that I re-read my post, I realize that my choice of words was a little poor... I was mad when I posted this, and I can see that I made that pretty clear here... I didn't mean to make it seem like I was proud of my being able to fool the therapist, if anything I was shocked. It's true that I didn't want to tell him anything, but part of me was hoping that he would notice that something was wrong...

[VickySGV]

I am giving big odds that he did in fact see a lot "wrong" about you, its the too perfect ones that are ready to crash the hardest. Your fear that he could spill the beans on you is really pretty common among us TG types, and that too could have been a tip off. You will not surprise him if you go back and throw the manure into the fan in the office, I'll give big odds he has special air freshener right beside him. I know how hard it is to face a therapist, but the feeling you get when you do come out and leave the office will make other people think the counselor shot you up with something major in the happy juice field.

Don't beat yourself up though, you are far from the first, just book a new time slot. You'll do fine.

[Guest Kael147]

Well for me, seeing a therapist isn't an option. The only other option is depression and dispair. Also, in my Province, if I want to legally change my name and have gender reassignment surgery, I have to see a therapist.

I was a bit reluctant to tell my therapist about my "gender" issues too, but once I dumped it - it was out. I felt a lot better and I feel a lot more focused on where I want/need to go. I think therapy is a solid way to go and what harm can it do, but if you care about my two cents, try to pick who you get to go to so that the person is at least sensitive to transgender issues.

My general therapist is great, but the gender therapist has helped a lot!

Good luck,

Kael

[Guest John Chiv]

Kaitlyn,

So it's okay that you have fears and some concerns with trust. And many here have given good advice. So what if you think about why those fears and concerns are there, or just talk to the therapist about the fact that you don't want to open up. Focus on that the next time instead of gender and see how it goes.

John

[Michelle 2010]

Most of the time when I was young and afraid to open up, it wasn't that I was afraid of what "they' would find, it was that I was afraid of what "I" would find... Of course, I didn't allow myself to realize that at the time.

Btw, its nice that your mom loves you so much and is willing willing to stand side by side with you on the journey you are so hesitant to take.

Sounds like pop might be a pretty good guy too.

Lastly, I remember telling my GT when I finally went to her, "I know it never goes away"... she said, "thats right". And thus began my journey into honesty...

Huggs

Michelle

[Guest Kaitlyn16]

Michelle-

They are good people, they are fantastic parents, and I am very grateful to have them. That is part of what makes this so difficult, because I know that my coming out will, at least in their eyes, be killing the 'me' that they have come to know. My dad would be especially disturbed, I can already think of the first few sentences that will come out of his mouth if I told him.

It would be something like- "Oh Jesus Christ (insert name here), what have all those hours on the computer done to you this time? You just need to get yourself a girlfriend. Trust me, once you get laid you'll forget all about this crap."

That is exactly what he will say. Maybe not word for word, but he will say something like it I'm sure.

John-

You know what, I think thats really good idea. I think I might try that...

I think I might try and schedule an appointment again. Thanks for the help everybody !