Hormones, Name Change, Coming Out, and Black Sheep... Not necessarily in that order.

[Guest filmgirl92]

Hey everyone!

Hope you had a great Thanksgiving! I am currently sitting in a three hour Art History lecture and my professor is reciting all the information she had us read for homework. Today is one of those days where I can just record the lecture, listen to it later, and zone out now. So why not be semi productive and write on here? Ok? Ok. Where to start, oh, Thanksgiving.

For my family, Thanksgiving is a week long event. It starts on the Saturday before when my aunt and uncle fly out here from San Diego and lasts till they fly home the following Saturday. This Thanksgiving didn't really feel like Thanksgiving at all. Everyone was so tense and emotions ran a little hot. Some would say this is a typical Thanksgiving but for my family this was unusual.

The whole week I thought a lot about my transition. I was depressed the whole week because first and foremost, I had to play the guy. Of course when I say that I don't mean I had to watch football or partake in any masculine feats of strength. But I couldn't be myself. I just wore a baggy sweatshirt, jeans, and sneakers all week and luckily Thanksgiving in my family isn't to formal so I could just wear that to dinner.

All throughout the week my mom and my aunt were complaining about their husbands and several times my aunt made comments about how someday my wife would be happy because I'll be such a good husband because I offer to help with whatever. I know she didn't mean anything by it, especially since she doesn't know, but it still bothered me. It just bothers me when anybody assumes that A.) I want to get married and B.) That if I do it will be to a woman.

My dad and uncle got into a discussion about how they are the black sheep of the family. And how my grandfather doesn't acknowledge my brother and his daughters, and my cousin and her son, because of personal problems that range from not going to college to once having a lip ring. Then my uncle started saying how high up I am on the ladder in my grandfather's eyes. During the entire conversation I kept thinking what would happen if I come out? I would be shunned my my grandfather (and probably my grandmother). Then I found myself asking the questions, when will I tell them, will I tell them, is it worth it? I was only able to answer the last question, and the answer was yes.

Now let's talk about my immediate family. My mom and dad, and for the he'll of it, my half brother and his family. If you recall I came out to my father last July and he's been accepting for the most part. He hasn't used Nic of Nicole (although he's heard me referred as such), he hasn't used female pronouns when I am presenting which, although may be uncomfortable I am just bearing it because I think it's just him getting used to everything. Although the other night when we were talking about redesigning out media room he referred to is as our "man cave" and when I said "never use that term ever again" he said " oh, I mean just cave". I think he is starting to get better with things but it's going to take time. I just have to be patient. The only thing is getting my name change. Since my county publishes name changes in the newspaper and my grandfather is well connected with the country government (he was a politician for many years) I decided I just want to have my name changed to just Nic. I feel comfortable with just that for now. The thing is, asking my dad... Well... Telling him I want to have my name changed to this. It's a personal thing I guess I just have to get over.

Still with me? Good, lol. My half brother, from my father's ex-wife, is 30. He lives in Cape Cod and he is engaged with two daughters, a two year old and three year old. The two year old is biologically his but the three year old is his wife from an ex boyfriend. When they got engaged he adopted the three year old. (Sone of the "personal problems" I was talking about before.) I haven't seen my brother in 12 years when he used to live with us. He and my father fell out of contact for a while but just recently (March) reconnected and every few weeks my father drives up to see them. My dad has been trying to get me to go up but I refuse for the following reason, I am have a lot of personal things going on and I would like to have them straightened out before I meet my nieces. I would like to have some kind of a relationship with my brother and his daughters but I am not having it in my present circumstances. I want to be around for them as an Aunt, not an Uncle. I also think that if something happens and my brother is, well, not the mot accepting person, I would rather not meet them at all then meet them and then be gone because I am not going to change for them. My dad says how my brother's wife, I guess my future sister in-law, tells my nieces about "Uncle Nic". I've told my dad I do not want to be called that and I know he knows why. I hope he corrected that. I just don't want my nieces to be confused about who I am or suddenly hear about Uncle Nic then one day Aunt Nicole shows up. I will never be an uncle to them there is no point to referring to me as Uncle. I can settle and would actually even prefer them to not even use a title. Nic or Nicole is fine, and anyway, I see myself as being the aunt who is too cool for titles, lol.

As if this post couldn't get any longer, time to come to my mom. This may be the shortest paragraph because bottom line, she's close minded, she is not going to change. Re-coming out to her will be an explosion. My options are hide now and come out after school, come out when I am studying abroad (hopefully next spring), or come out now. I am leaning toward the first two options but I want to start hormones now. I have my letter and I don't want to wait anymore. Could I be on hormones without my mother knowing? (Self question). Another question is how to tell my dad I am starting hormones. (Another self question).

Thanksgiving I was semi depressed. Like I said before I just wore a baggy sweatshirt, jeans, and sneakers. My 4, 20-30 something year old female cousins all worse cute outfits. I felt like it was being rubbed in my face because they dressed how I normally dress at school. (Shortest paragraph.)

Congrats you made it to the end of this endurance test in the form or a post! You deserve a medal for reading that thing. I doubt I'll even reread it once I am finished. It was just nice to pour all my thoughts out into a semi coherent post and send it out into the void of the world wide web. It's a semi satisfying feeling to send something into the Internet for the world to read. Well it's time for me to get back to this Art History lecture. Thanks for listening!

Nicole