Therapy Tomorrow

[Guest Dr.Metropolis]

So tomorrow I have my first therapy appointment with a gender therapist. I'm here in Omaha, NE and seeing Megan Smith.

My biggest worries:

-Somehow I made all this up and what I really should do is continue my marriage and somehow make my life better.

-I will have put my wife through hell this past week for nothing.

-She won't understand/be understanding of my condition.

I had some really interesting and scary dreams this morning including:

-Suffocating (and waking to think of my wife)

-Being confronted in my current apartment by my parents and the church I used to go to about stealing some of the members' lipstick. They proceded to talk about how the CD/TS should be punished "even to death." I got really outraged (not admitting that I was [or think I am] TS) and yelled at them. It was really intense.

-Adjusting the pressure on these three connected devices: a water spout, air compressor, and water compressor. To get an equal balance and not have them all spurt out while others were underpowered, I had to set all the devices to 2. This is interesting because in numerology, from what I gather (and I don't know much), two can indicate balance (which makes sense), but it is also the number for the female.

I'm just really scared. I'm scared of either outcome. I've learned a lot about myself through this small journey of two weeks, but emotions and stakes are so high right now that I can't sort it out on my own.

will report back with the results,

soon to be out of limbo (hopefully),

Dr M

[Guest Dr.Metropolis]

Ok, so I don't know what I was expecting to happen in one session, but I just basically did all the talking. Provided most of my background and occurences that I felt were relevant and we ran out of time.

Next week, another session.

Dr M

[Guest raydub]

Your first appointment sounds about right. Not a whole lot happening, but at least youve started.

Advice? Give yourself a break. No, you wont have all the answers after the next therapy session..and maybe not after the following session. But you ARE getting help, you ARE talking about the situation.. PROGRESS is all you can ask for. Just keep progressing and you will get where youre going and figure things out.

Take care and hang in there.

Ray

[Guest Dr.Metropolis]

Thanks, Ray. Hanging in there is about all I can do nowadays.

Next therapy session is today, I'll let you know how it goes.

Dr M

[Guest Evan_J]

*writes the word "progress" on the chalkboard* .....thats all there is .

[Guest Dr.Metropolis]

Second therapy session:

We talked about some of my dreams and their interpretations (having to do with my androgenous nature). Dreams are important to me, and I think they can be quite revealing.

We talked about my marriage and my therapist said the one thing I'm most afraid of - "this sounds like it could be escapism." I think my head would explode if I had to somehow explain away everything that has just started making sense to me. I can understand why she might think that, though. My marriage is going through a rough time and I'm questioning my desire to be in it.

We talked about my need for isolation from my wife to get a good grip on my feelings and the motives behind those feelings. She asked if I had considered separation and I said yes, but I didn't want to separate without giving my wife a solid reason why. My therapist then suggested maybe it's time to get my wife involved in the process, and not just wait until there's a clear-cut answer. So I tried asking what I should say and we ran out of time. She told me to think about what I would say, or write it in a letter, but just not give it yet. That drove me kinda crazy and I told her the waiting is what's killing me.

So I went ahead and did it. I did it last night and it felt good. She's much happier now that she knows what's wrong. I'll probably make a more detailed post in coming out sometime.

I'm separating in two days and have my next appt. in four. We'll see how everything goes then. I'm tired of feeling wishy-washy about everything.

Dr M

[Sally]

My wife and I weren't having any problems (she had no idea about my gender issues) so I was terribly afraid of what would happen when I told her. My therapist told me to talk to her and keep her involved in the transition process - when I told her she only asked me one question. "You aren't leaving me, are you?" My advice is while you are seperated do keep in touch with your wife and let her know what is happening, you said that you weren't sure if you wanted to be in the marriage so that means that you aren't sure that you want out. Be sure before you start burning any bridges. Sometimes its best to never burn a bridge, stay friends - she can be a big help if she wants to.

Good luck and let us know how it goes,

Sally

[Guest Dr.Metropolis]

Sally,

Thanks for the advice. I definitely don't want to burn the bridge if I can avoid it. My wife is still one of my best friends ever and I hope that will continue regardless of our marital status.

I'm going to try to keep in touch, too.

Dr M