Where I am in my process of finding myself...

[Guest stuart69427]

First I wanted to thank you for taking your time to help with me regarding my issues with my gender identity.

I am a 27 year old "male." Whatever that means. I have “male” genitalia and my birth certificate and drivers license have an “M” on them. Its just that I don’t feel like a “real man.” What is that anyway? I’ll bet if you asked twenty different people, you’d get twenty different answers. That’s just my point that we all experience life differently. I don’t think that there are only two polar opposite options when it comes to sex and gender. I have put on my “male” mask and played the role of a man, but I fear that the only one I am fooling is myself. I am not sure of what I am, but I can tell you what I am not. I am not a heteronormative male who feels a need to be a protector for the “weak” females. I am not a dominant male who seeks companionship with a submissive partner who needs constant reassurance of affection. I do know that I am not in the “wrong body.” This only seems to suggest that there is only two options. I don’t have a desire to be the stereotypical woman. I am not attracted to men. I do not have desires of cross dressing, beauty or fashion. There are times I wonder how it sure would have been easier if I were just born as as a butch lesbian. I do not know where it is that I fit into the spectrum, but it probably is some sort of balance of both masculine and feminine combined in harmony.

Unlike most of the population, I do not have this constant desire to be in a relationship. I have seen others endure a relationship they hate, just because they fear being alone. I on the other hand have embraced being independent. Unfortunately this causes others, who mostly are ignorant of any other explanation, to assume that I must be gay and that I haven’t come to terms to it yet. Mostly I am irritated at the people who confront me on the subject of my sexual identity. I feel that gender and sex are social constructs and we as humans are just scratching the surface to understand them. Often gender and sex are interchanged so easily when in fact they shouldn’t. I feel that they are separate issues. I feel that my sex may be male, but my gender lies somewhere in between. I am still in the process of trying to figure this one out. As far as my sexuality identity, I am very confident that I am attracted to feminine females. I just don’t have a strong “Need” to be in a relationship just yet. I fear that if I get too close to somebody, they might find out that I am not a “real man.” My feeling is that it has something to do with a fear of being discovered as some sort of impostor. When girls would be interested and try to build a relationship with me, I always seem to push them away somehow. I am not sure why that I do this. Its not that I want to be independent for the rest of my life, but I need to discover what’s holding my back from finding the confidence needed to achieve a meaningful relationship.

I don't necessarily consider that I was born in the wrong body, just that I don't conform to other people who self identify as "male." I look at the stereotypical male and say to myself, “I’m not like that!” Now I realize that many men have feminine attributes as well as the assumed masculine traits. My feminine qualities only lead to more confusion for others around me regarding my sexuality. Which in turn only irritates me and furthers my depression. I suppose that I learned early on to suppress as much of the feminine as I could. To the best of my ability I have tried to act the part of male the best I could. I feel that I have several different versions of myself that I “perform,” depending upon who in particular is around me. I present accordingly to how I think that I am expected to fit into that particular group. It doesn't matter who I am with, family and friends included, I feel that I am always an outsider looking in. It has always been this way for as long as I can remember. As far as fitting into other males in a group conversation, for the most part I am mostly left out. I have not been interested in sports, so I don’t have much to contribute when other guys are talking on this subject. When it comes to cars, I defiantly have a lot to talk about, as I am a mechanic with a self-diagnosis of being all around car crazy. However if the subject turns to sex, I quickly become uneasy. First I don’t agree in the manner that most men talk on the subject. They seem to have little regards to their female companions when surrounded by other males at least. Second, I fear that if I participate that I most certainly would be “outed” as a fake. It is very difficult to fit in when I work in an environment dominated by males.

[Guest stuart69427]

does anybody have any comments/advice on where I go from here. I am lost...

How do I deal with my problem of being constantly worried about what others think of me? What do I do with knowing that I am this bigendendered/genderqueer/whatever I am? where do I go from here? etc...

[JJ]

i have found that since I decided to be myself and be true to myself i care less and less what people think.

It always drove me crazy because i don't believe in letting other people's opinions dictate my actions yet spent so much of my life frantic to please them. I suspect I was trying to get from them the approval I was denying myself.

And the place to start is a gender therapist. It is very important that it be a gender therapist or one trained in gender therapy because the issues are so complex and the results tend to mimic symptoms of mental illnesses you make get labeled with and treated for which you don't have.

The answers are within you. The therapist helps you find them

Johnny