Worried about coming out to my parents

[Guest Dani the Saxon]

Hi I'm new here, I've been living as a girl for 2 months and my whole life has turned around, but now i have to tell my parents, and because I always kept my depression and feelings to myself. i don't have a clue how to start the conversation with them, because it's going to seem like it's coming out of nowhere.

Any tips?

[JJ]

First I believe it is best to read everything that you can about transgender and be able to approach it from the standpoint that this is a physical condition-in reality a birth defect where the brain and body don't match. When I started researching it 18 months ado it was stated that science thought that was the cause but because of new imaging techniques and more studies than could ever be done before it is now stated in the scientific journals to be a physical problem arising from at least 4 brain structures that control gender identity and expression and the development of the sexual characteristics of the body. It happens in the womb and while the exact cause is still being determined is believed to be due to hormone fluctuations that confuse or change the genetic signals to the developing fetus. Several countries now define transgender as an intersex condition. Even the AMA says it is physical and not psychological though it can and does cause psychological symptoms.

Here is a thread about the evidence as well as a link to my favorite source for informing cis people because as a non-trans news site they can't say it is biased and it is VERY scientific

http://www.lauras-pl...showtopic=26503

http://aebrain.blogs...sexual-and.html

Explanations aside I would recommend writing out what you are going to say. Some people give them the letter and let them read it and then discuss and some just use it as a reference. What works best depends on you and your family-but what is nvital is that no matter what you stay calm and cool and rational. It isn't easy because adrenalin will be flowing and pushing you to be anything but. However this really isn't about emotions or choices but hard realities.

And remember that often initial reactions are much less positive and accepting than they often eventually become. This is going to be very difficult and painful news for them. They will have to face something all at once that most of us tool years to come to terms with.

And they will be losing a child in a real sense. All the hopes and dreams and plans of a lifetime for that child. They may well need to grieve. They have to adjust to and mourn the loss of who you were before they can fully accept who you are in many cases.

And as much as it sounds like saying the opposite above -you need to go in without expectations negative or positive. There is just no way to predict and often if we act like we are expecting trouble people are alarmed and give it to us.

I hope some of this is helpful and what you are looking for. And I wish you all the best in this very difficult disclosure.

Johnny

[Drea]

First and foremost, if you haven't been to a therapist yet, and expect to be seeing a therapist at some point, you might want to put off telling till after seeing a therapist and having a diagnosis supporting your belief. This diagnosis from a professional will help others understand that is is serious, that it isn't just a conclusion you jumped to. Without a diagnosis, it doesn't matter what evidence you provide because there can be that room for doubt if you are wrong. If you been to a therapy and have such, you have that base covered.

Second, with said therapist, you might want to invite one or both your parents to a session to tell. It is a safe enviorment and therapist can help facilitate the process and lend support explaining the diagnosis.

If that isn't practical or you prefer differently, I would recommend writing a letter. You don't have to present the letter to them, but it is good as a backup in case you find yourself getting emotional while trying to do verbally. Regardless the letter writing process will give you focus and let you get all the key points down. Things that might not come to mind during the moment when you are trying to tell verbally.

There is nothing wrong with supplying the letter when you tell verbally so they can review. Also using the letter as a means of telling is okay even if it may seem cold. The reality is that once the "big news" is out, they most likely will be in shock and won't really hear anything else you say after. So leaving them with something they can look at and review can make a difference. Having a letter in your words, with your feeling. You can provide additional information as well but this letter about you will be far more meaningful than any general information.

The right time to tell is when you are able to commicate in a way where you can be sympathetic and understanding of them and are confident in yourself to be able to respond to concern, challenges from them without being defensive or getting angry.

What you want to communicate verbally and in the letter are some basic facts about the condition, how it relates to you, some of your feelings (but remember you are not trying to guilt them or making a play for sympathy), the challenges you been thru. You can also put some words to break the stereotyped impressions they may have and how you differ.

Avoid TMI (too much information). Remember that you are telling to bring it into the open. You probably don't want to know about your parents sex life. Likewise they probably don't want nor need to know all the details of your "sex change". Instead you can make reference to treatment options for the condition that may be in your future.

Avoid "community speak". By this I mean many of the generalizations and terms that get used within the community that aren't going to mean much to someone who isn't trans. Remember your audience, put your words, your writing in terms they can understand.

Avoid information overload. Remember, this is just opening the door to the subject. You aren't trying to tell the full story and some of it, while planned, isn't yet written anyway. Your letter shouldn't be 40 pages. A few pages should suffice. You can supplement that with some factual information on trans, but avoid providing too much. There will always be time to provide more later if they need it. Providing too much up front can get your message lost.

Remember, for them, initially it will be an emotional response. Factual information, all the evidence in the world, won't make much difference. You will have to be prepared to allow them their feelings, demonstrate you are essentially the same person and that this is a positive thing for you. Give them space and time if needed.

[Guest Dani the Saxon]

wow thanks for all the advice! you've both given me a lot to think about.

i've got my first appointment with a gender therapist in a couple of days, i'm having to take afriend with me though because therapists and doctors terrify me, but i really do need to go.

I just keep thinking about that i'm going to be hurting them so much saying i want to change gender, maybe i'll just start with a crossdresser and see how they take that, although would that just make it worse in the long term?

I don't know, thanks for your help

[Guest Cloudygirl27]

Same boat as you, Dani! I told my sister about a month ago, thankfully she took it well enough and wished me the best of luck. But, I still have to tell my folks which scares the bajebbies out of me!

My greatest fear is that they'll disown me or toss me out on the curb. I figure I'll be on HRT soon (1-2 months) and maybe start transitioning slowly so I have somewhere to stay before it gets to noticeable.

From my own opinion, see you're gender therapist. Hopefully they'll help you out with all this, just take it slow and don't rush into it.

PS: I think cross-dressing and them seeing you like that will probably make it worse in the long run.

Alyssa

[Guest ValerieD]

Same here. I'm also very private and don't know how to start the conversation. I know I'll need to tell them eventually, but the prospect scares me so much.

[Guest Cloudygirl27]

Got so embarrassed today when I got a phone call from Ideal Image (a laser hair removal place) and my dad picks it up first before I could get to it. My parents still don't know about my gender issues but that was a pretty close call.

Alyssa

[Guest Robin Winter]

Looks like all the good advice is taken, so I'll just wish you luck.