greetings and background

[Guest Astrosmurf]

Hello All,

i just joined this site and here seems a good place to begin. My background: I'm 37 biological male, from New Zealnd, identifying as androgenous for the sake of convenience. Physically I was always a bit androgenous - can't grow a proper beard, feminine face, big hips for a guy, long pretty lashes if I say so myself - but as a small child i always thought I was female and tried to play that way with girls, crossdress in my mother's clothes etc. Then i got a major message that my behaviour and the way I was was NOT OKAY! This caused a lot of damage as I've always been deeply sensitive; tried to fit in, enforced rugby etc. even tried boxing at one point - ouch. Maybe that was a unconscious masochism because I self-harmed a lot too and even attempted suicide, I was so unhappy in my own body. As an adolescent I rebelled and tried my best to be a tough guy, hanging out with tough guys. Mostly it was bluff and gender performance but I got into drugs, alcohol; then in early twenties I had my first psychotic breakdown - I think due to self-alienation and the stress of trying to be something I wasn't. I've been so long in denial I've become wrinkly!! For a while I thought I must be gay but there was still something not right, I liked gay guys but couldn't relate to them in a lot of ways especially sexually. I can't really relate to men or women sexually though I have a history of relationships with both. Primarily I'm attracted to men but my orientation isn't gay - I can only imagine myself sexually as a woman but I have a male body - gutted! So what does one do with that? I moved in with a gay guy and got gay friends thinking they'd understand. I cross-dressed and experimented with makeup, grew my hair - people said I had lovely hair - all of this at home; but my flatmate betrayed all my secrets and I got a bit ridiculed even amongst the gay community. I'm okay with that now tho, but at the time i went right back in my shell, back into denail, got involved with Catholicism and opted for Christian "self-denial," which I now realise was just another way of denying who I really was.

Is this too much for a first post??

Anyway, self-denial, cropped off all my lovely silky conditioned wavy dark hair etc. I thought, man, if I can't handle a bit of criticism like that I'll never be able to transition! And maybe I won't, and that's okay. But as I've gradually gotten more accepting of myself I've found I'm actually starting to do little things anyway - buying small items, wearing more androgenous clothes and considering asking the doctor if he'll put me on antiandrogens (not estrogen). I've done the research and think this might be a reasonable first step. I know the side effects and I think I have them all already - less body hair, morning erections rarely ever, low sex drive and so on. So that's my story. I'd like to post about specific issues I've rasised here in more detail later but for now this is a more formal, general introduction, I guess. If anyone's on antiandrogens without estrogen, I'd love to hear about it, or any advice at all.

Cheers All hugs

[MaryEllen]

Hello Astrosmurf,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

MaryEllen

[Guest Astrosmurf]

Thanks MaryEllen. I realise now this was supposed to go on the biographies bit but never mind. Stuck in the wrong box, why change the habbit of a lifetime, LOL : ]

[Guest miss kindheart]

Hi Astrosmurf

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules.

We have Androgyne meetings Sat & Weds 9pm est est and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

vanna

[Guest Mia J]

Hello Astrosmurf and welcome to Laura's. We are glad to have you here.

No that intro was not too long at all. Thank you for posting it. You will find that there are a lot of others here who have the same issues that you do.

Looking forward to seeing your posts.

Mia

[Guest Astrosmurf]

Thanks Vanna - yes, will check out the chat some time.

And thank you Mia. Since I've been exploring the site a bit more I see you are quite right. What a blessing to have such a wonderful website!

Hugs 2 all.