Infinite Confusion

[Guest Exeter]

I know I'm not new here, but I still haven't figured myself out completely and that bothers me, because I feel it's important. It's not simply because I want a label, though, yes, I am a person who prefers to know exactly what something is, and what to call it, but rather, it's because I think getting to the bottom of this is important to my identity as a whole.

What does the following sound like to you?

I know for a fact that I'm attracted to males. Any attraction to a single person or body, is always male. (Though I prefer feminine or androgynous ones and am absolutely turned-off by most anything masculine... --> body hair, muscles, broad shoulders, narrow hips, etc. etc.)

As such, I usually find the idea of situations between two males appealing... (which I would expect, being FtM and attracted to males.)

But... this isn't all the time. I'm not 100% sure I'm always attracted to the idea... and what situations I do find appealing are mostly involving certain, specific people. It's like two generic gay guys doesn't do much for me. Yet, I feel male... and I feel attracted to the male body, and thus would probably, most likely desire a male partner.

However... a good deal of my... erm... 'fantasies'... still revolve around heterosexual situations. In fact, it seems these tend to be more... how should I put it? Satisfying? And my 'focus' during said 'fantasies' tends to be on what the male is doing 'for' (I can't really clarify and keep this post PG , but it is from the male's PoV despite the fact it might convey otherwise if you don't know what I mean.) the female. Now, I'm not certain at all what this means.

I've no idea why I'd fixate on this, as I'm uncomfortable with a female role, yet I don't feel attracted to females either. Though, I'm not repulsed by those aspects of my anatomy (other than them making me uncomfortable) ... and sometimes I think I've tried to look at those bits as belonging to some girl and not me.

I'm starting to suspect I've got an attraction to females that's been seriously repressed. (Due to the various complications of being physically female.)

The fiction I write is from the viewpoint of 'mostly straight' guys. (In that context, I seem to favour a form of flexible bisexuality, rather than characters being entirely gay.)

I've always related to, or empathised, with straight males more than gay ones. Though this is likely because I've never had any gay rolemodels. All my rolemodels are straight.

　

So... this leads me to the following possibilities...

1. I'm, like I said, repressing an attraction to females, (meaning I'm bisexual -- or something along that line).

2. I'm repressing the fact of being a completely gay male. (Due to upbringing... awkwardness... a desire to emulate my straight rolemodels.)

3. I've simply got a strange fixation/fetish for a guy being attracted to/involved with a woman, despite the fact I am not directly attracted to her, myself. Meaning maybe I'm gay, but attracted to bisexual men.

---

The only reason I'm analysing all of this is because I want to be sure that my identity is figured out, and that transitioning is really right for me. I feel in my heart that I can never be comfortable being female, or being in a female role (despite the fact I'm always reversing those roles all the time, anyway...), but some of these confusions are making me question whether or not I should ever physically transition.

I know this is all stuff that I need to figure out on my own. I'm ME after all, but I'm such a confused person. And I don't feel I can be objective enough. I'd just like some outside input, and second opinions.

Any thoughts?

And I'm going to talk to my therapist tomorrow... should I bring up this debate with her?

[Guest Juniper Blue]

I wish I could offer some solid insight ... gender is a very intricate issue and every person is different. I would seek the insight of a good gender therapist. Keep questioning, exploring and reaching out. You will find your way ... remember it is a journey of self-discovery ... not a race. Try to be gentle with yourself and let things unfold ... I found this to be true for me that as I grew emotionally and psychologically ready, I discovered new insights and things became more clear.

Best to You,

- J

[Guest John Chiv]

Talk to the therapist but Juniper gave you good advice.

John

[Guest Kael147]

K - I'm no therapist and I'm not in your head, so I can't tell you an answer, but you are kind of mixing a few issues I think.

My gender dysphoria is very different from my sexual preference and/or my fantasies.

For me, I needed to figure some stuff out over time - it was much easier to be a lesbian than face my gd, but now I live in a lesbian marriage and am transitioning, does that maker straight? I don't think so. My wife married a woman and is a devote lesbian, what is she now? A lesbian with a trans man partner.

My point is that as much as our gender is fluid, so is our sexuality. It changes, it matures, and hopefully becomes more enjoyable.

Watching straight xxx movies and getting a little aroused by it doesn't make a person straight it makes them human. I know I'm not a gay man 100%, but gay xxx movies are steamy. I don't rent them, but I've seen them and it's hot and it's

okay.

So I don't know your gender, your sexual preference, or your fantasies, but I do know they aren't necessarily connected.

Hope this helps! (on my iPhone, so I can't edit, hope this makes sense!)

Kael

[Guest Maggie_O]

I use an iPhone and I can edit ... ?. Anyway ...

I wrote a lengthier response to a similar question to the post titled something like, "How do I know".

Basically, humans have two elements to their sexuality; gender identity and sexual preference and they do not usually coincide. Each is a separate continuum with most people falling somewhere between he two extremes of male/female and heterosexual/homosexual. The position of these elements within the larger envelope of society is subject to immense deceit, to the point where few individuals fully disclose where they are on either of these continua.

When you consider that, your feelings are not at all strange or uncommon. What is unmistakeable is that it usually takes working intimately and honestly with a good therapist to unravel where you are in that confused mess.

In the mean time, there are people here who will accept you and try to help you no matter where you eventually feel you belong.

Good luck and safe journey.

[Guest Exeter]

Thanks for replying, everyone. Yeah, I get what you're all saying. And though I'm a timid person who has the most difficult time reaching a point, I'll try to get this out to my therapist tomorrow. Wish me luck.

I know that gender identity and sexuality are two very different things. That's not really the source of my confusion. It's just that when I lived under the illusion that I HAD to be female no matter what and had no choice, I was certain where I fit on that spectrum. I had that assurance. Now, since I've thought of myself as male... and know, in truth, I'll be happier that way, I'm uncertain where I belong. It's not just a desire to find a label... it's that I really don't understand myself at all anymore, and it's a bit scary.

I guess I'm just afraid of the unknown. I mean, what if I start T and transition, and years later I find that I still can't figure out where I fit. What if I made some sort of mistake. I guess I'm just asking what if I'm not really a boy? Just a confused girl... as family would so love to believe.

But yet everything inside me tells me I'd be happier living completely as male, and that includes hormones, top surgery, and anything else I can manage. It's like I'm still questioning myself, but for who's sake I'm not sure. Maybe it's just for my family. I don't really know.

Oh, well... sorry for prattling and making a pointless post.

[Guest Christina1964]

We all know what you mean, but sometimes we need a little confusion in our life otherwise it would be so un-interesting and it does add mystery to everything.