Advice needed

[Guest mikacha]

Hi everyone im new to the forum and could really do with some advice. I need to know what peoples opinions are of my situation because im completely confused.

It started well the earliest i can remember is when i was 5 wanting to wear my sisters and my mums clothing, but nothing majour in my mind at that point that i can remember i was just a care free kid and then 2 years later i was sent on this daily summer kids activity thing and i remember this girl that attended it and at first i thought i fancied her then over the preiod of a few days i started to realise that i didnt fancy her i wanted to be her. I thought she was really cute (odd coming from a 7 - 8 year old i know but bare with me) and i felt really really depressed about it and lay there at night imagining i was her and i could wear what she was wearing and i was a girl able to do that. From that point there was always something in my mind about wanting to wear girls clothing and be a girl.

When i hit my teens i had 2 younger sisters and i would constantly steal their clothes, i used to imagine i was a schoolgirl attending the local high school or just a normal everyday girl sat in her room drawing or reading or whatever and i also used to get really jealous when i saw all the other girls going to the all girl school near where i was living at the time and would wish that was me. I even remember before this once in school, before i had come out about all this, trying to steal clothes from the lost and found just so i could wear them and be happy.

Then i dunno how is started but i started getting turned on by wearing girls clothing in a big way BUT still had all these feelings and depressions about being male and wanting to be a girl which didnt fuss me at the time but later on when i read about the different areas of tg, tv, ts etc i started to question what the hell was going on. I decided to come out about it eventually when i was around 17 and was told by my aunt, who i was living with at the time, that if i wanted to i could buy and wear female clothing, so thats what i did. I didnt wear skirts or anything more female jeans and t-shirt and underware and whilst wearing them i felt more ME than i had ever done before, happier though i was still depressed about being male physically. I used to get really peed when i saw other girls hanging round in their groups, able to wear whatever they wanted and myself wanted nothing more than to be accepted into those groups and to do what they do. But unfortunately even though i was mostly out about this, i was never allowed nor really accepted. Problem is i come from a place where attitudes towards gay or tg people arent exactly modern and even though some of my friends accepted me, as a whole people couldnt get their head around the idea of a "male" dressing as a "female" and it caused me alot of agro. Some of my friends started calling my by the name i chose for myself and alot of others started calling me a cross between my male name and my female name which even though i asked them not to, they persisted on doing. This lasted for quite a few years and i started seeing a therapist, although he wasnt very good but the place i come from as i said is in the dark ages and doesnt have support groups or anything for this kind of thing, and in the end i stopped going because i just didnt see it going anywhere or this guy having any good advice or help for me.

When i was in my early 20s, there was this girl i knew and i started going out with her and she had a kid, and i took over the role as one of its parents. We came up with a name for the child to call me that was feminine but from another language because i was still open about who i wanted to be and how i felt. Eventually after falling in love with her she gave me an ultimatum of either being a girl or forgetting about it to be with her, and stupidly i picked to wrong one i.e to be with her. Since then i have been very quiet about who i want to be and any feelings i may have about anything to do with that but its not like those feeling went away, well they did slightly but i think that may be to do with having the kid to look after, the hassle i have had from this relationship (cheating, lying and a whole host of other things that any sane person would have committed suicide over by now) and the fact i did love her and for some reason wanted that so i pushed those things from my mind. However those feelings did still niggle at me and even now in my late 20s i am severely depressed, i see other women walking around and im jealous of them, i want to dress like them, i want to be them. I still dress in female clothing to an extent and my partner is fine about that as long as i dont go for the hormones or op.

I have decided that im going to get rid of her, not that i have figured out how yet as i have been with her for many years and i do have some feelings for her but then shes done so much to me i just cant let alot of it go, the most recent being a few months ago she kissed another lad behind my back, ok not the worst thing shes ever done but enough is enough. When i imagine im single i see myself being able to dress how i want again and be who i want to be, i look through clothing websites and make a mental note of what i want to buy. Even though i am in my mid 20s i really like the female emo style with the mad girly hair and other clothing and i would really like to look like that, ok i am not exactly a teenager or anything but i see no issue with wanting to look like this

or this

NOTE: Sorry to admin if i am not meant to include links in posts.

Ok its a style mostly worn by younger people but i certainly dont look like i am in my mid 20s, most people who guess my age put me around 18 - 20 XD which cheers me up alot. But i see no reason as to why i cant adopt this style i am already alternative so why not.

Anyways, going back to the clothing turning me on thing. I still have that to this day, i am a submissive person deep down inside and even have fantasies about being made to wear girls clothing and being submissive to the person doing this.

So my confusions and problems are these.

1. I am obviously transgender BUT what the hell is with the turn on bit about and why did it develop to be being forced aswell. Is this my way of becoming more female in my looks but taking it out of my control because of the way the place i used to live was plus some family issues etc or is it something different. If anyone else has experienced this then it would be really great if you could share with me your wisdom or anyone else really, any thoughts on the matter would do.

2. Any other helpfull comments anyone can offer me about being trangender and steps to ensure as good a transition as you can.

Inside i am litterally close to tears all the time, i feel like my life now is just an act and theres a person inside me whos clawing to get out.

As i said if anyone can offer any advice it would be so much appreciated.

loves and hugs <3

mika

Edited December 13, 2011 by Amethyst_Redemption
No non-trans links --> changed to images

[Guest Amethyst_Redemption]

Mika,

You seem to be going through much more than just transitioning, but a lot of that gets a spotlight shined on it around transition. I think Laura's is a great place for you to be yourself and be whatever version(s) of yourself you are. We are here to support you as much as we can.

Please introduce yourself in the introductions forum so we can get to know you better.

As for the style and being turned on bit, that was exactly how I started out. I am still a bit emo/goth but in a much more professional manner. The being aroused thing has a bit to it of possible past abuse mixing in with FINALLY feeling more yourself, like you can FINALLY feel not just comfortable, but actually SEXY!!. You are in no way weird and you are in no way unwelcome to express any part of yourself. I would compare you to me, ...but I'm pretty crazy

You are among friends sweetie. If you need anything at all, even if it isn't trans related please let me or any of the mods know.

<3

April

[Guest Exeter]

I really don't have advice to offer, but one thing caught my eye.

Don't ever let something as trivial as your age prevent you from wearing what you want. It's just a silly number, and, myself, I think that people make far too much fuss over it. Besides, you're only twenty-something. You're still young. I just think people should be allowed to express themselves however they want.

[Guest Kael147]

At the risk of over sharing ----

During my early discovery and exploration I began trying on men's clothes and packing and binding at home. I have an MTF friend and I had lunch with her and was telling her how this all made me feel. One of the things I told my friend was how sometimes wearing men's clothing and packing and binding turns me on and she told me not to be ashamed of it and that it made perfect sense. She said something like, "of course it turns us on we are sexual human beings and looking like we are supposed to is exciting". She also said it goes away and for the most part in 6 months of wearing men's duds full time, it has.

I know this is an odd thing for a guy to say, but I feel sexy when I've got a nice flat chest, and a little bulge in my pants. I get a little swagger and I want to use what's in my pants! It's a good feeling and I don't think it is odd at all. Feeling sexy is a good feeling and the only time I've ever really felt sexy was when I was drunk or wearing dude's clothing. Is it so wrong? I think not!

As for the age thing, the other day I was at the hospital and I talked to this woman and told her that they had called her name at the desk. She said thank you and went up to the desk. She couldn't have been any older than I am and she referred to me as "that young man over there" - ha - I'm 40, but look way younger as a dude, like 20 years younger! Age is a number - I'm just going to wear what I like, do my hair how I like, and be myself.

Anyway - good luck - the transition stuff - well - read some of the other forums, look at some of the main pages in Laura's for some resources. Get a gender therapist if you don't have one and if it is possible or go to your LGBT resource centre (or look online for one close to you). There are a ton of resources, you just have to start looking!

Take it easy an talk soon,

Kael

[Guest Mia J]

Hi Mika,

Your feelings and experiences are like a lot of others here. From a very young age I also wondered why I could not be the same as the girls around me. Going into a relationship because of the convenience for us is not unusual. Have you or have you thought about contacting a gender therapist to help you decide just where you are and what steps to take to get there?

Mia

[Guest mikacha]

Hi all, thankyou so much for you posts it has put my mind at ease a little over a few things. Yes Mia i am going to go see a gender therapist but i have a few things to sort out first. I do have another quesiton to ask, how do you get up the courage to go out as your real self i.e female. See sometimesi look in the mirror and i can see i have feminine features and then other times i dont, i know its about confidence but one thing that depresses me is i may not pass as much as i would like too, but then again on other days i can see that i probably would. Do you just go for it or build it up slowly.

<3 mika

[Guest mikacha]

This is also a random thing, i was just researching up different ways of permanent hair removal for my facial hair (i have facial hair that grows so thick most "men" would die for it) and i was going to go with laser hair removal but after researching i think im going to have electrolosis instead. But i was still unsure so started reading a page comparing the two and in one of the paragraphs about "how much more permanent" electrolosis "is" the person writing it had mispelt may as amy. Which i am considering a sign that it is right for me as my name i wish to go by is Amy. I am not saying there is some otherworldly influence going on or anything but i found it really strange that i have been more down than usual over the last day or so and whilst researching something crops up in the article like that. XD i know im just talking randomness but i felt i had to share it as it has cheered me up a little.

<3 Mika