Name and pronouns...

[Guest mynameisjay]

Does anyone have any suggestions for helping friends remember my name? It seems like they do really great at first, but by the end of a conversation on the phone or eating dinner, they're back to the one they're used to and using the pronouns that make me feel very uncomfortable.

I know they've been used to calling me that for a long time and that old habits are hard to break, so I am trying to be patient. But it hurts. Yesterday I corrected a friend as gently as I could and she then started using my name at the end of every sentence after an uncomfortable pause. "What are you doing for dinner...Jay?" "How was work today...Jay?" Can't say that was much better. She's not being disrespectful or rude intentionally, she just can't remember. We laughed about it, but inside I was definitely not laughing.

I am pre-op and pre-t, so nothing has change about me physically...yet. I am guessing when my looks and voice are more masculine, that might help them to remember. I pretty much already pass in social situations until I open my mouth and people hear my voice. My friends are all very supportive. In fact, the one who was killing me yesterday will be going with me to my 1st endocrinology appointment to take notes since I'll probably be on cloud 9. I don't want to come of as a jerk by constantly correcting them, and I certainly don't want to snap on anybody who just hasn't had enough time to break a habit, but I can't take much more of the "she" stuff.

How have you gotten people to start calling you by the proper name and pronouns? Or is it just a waiting game and I need more patience?

Jay

[Carolyn Marie]

Jay, I don't have any great advice for you, beyond being patient and doing what you're already doing; gently reminding people when they use the wrong name or pronoun.

I suppose you could get those sticky name tag things that they use at conferences and meetings, but they always fall off when I use them.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest LottieZero]

It can be really frustrating at first, but I just think you have to be patient and persistent. If you do, and your friends are on your side, they'll probably gradually start getting it right more and more often... Well, that was my experience, anyway. I hope it goes similarly for you

[Guest Haidos]

hey i dont know if this will help but i had the same problem and would be calm about it unless i'd been drinking in which case i'd just snap at them.

get them to change your name in their phone, i noticed alot of my friends didn't change it and had me saved as 'old name' so i changed it to 'new name' and it seems to stick.

just a suggestion =]

[Guest Ney'ite]

With time, you will learn the difference between people simply forgetting, and those who make no effort to transition with you. The latter, you may have to eventually just ignore them when the use the wrong name/pronoun. In those situations I have politely asked them if they had a friend who was recently married, would they consider it rude if I made no effort whatsoever to use the new last name and kept using the maiden name? Or vice-versa, say a friend recently had a nasty divorce and taken back their maiden name, yet I refuse to acknowledge it and continue to use their married last name, how would that be viewed?

Here is an interesting little exercise to try. Whatever hand you normally brush your teeth with, switch hands and try that for a while, or switch hands with any routine task around the house you have been doing for a long time (hair/eating/etc). You will realize that it will most likely be very awkward at first, and you may even find yourself subconsciously switching back to your familiar hand without even realizing it. But after time (key word "time"), you will find yourself being more comfortable and eventually, if you do it long enough, "slipping" or "oops" will probably just disappear.

[Guest ShortyT]

My method of choice would probably be "the stare". People who know me, will realize they dun goofed if they get "the stare".

Anywhoo, I don't have friends to speak of, so I'll compare with work. I was pre-t and all when I came out. My closest colleague started using my name in every sentence. "Shorty do you have a pen?" "Is it cold in here, Shorty?" "Hey Shorty can you hold this?" She did so to train herself into getting it right, and told me so herself. I appreciated it since I knew she did it because she realised it was important to me that people got it right (I also liked hearing my name. Yes, i'm that full of myself.). Of course, had she gone "Is it cold in here.... Shorty" i would probably have to give her "the stare".

As for others, most got it right, some remembered halfway into the old name and saved themselves in the nick of time (they have the same first letters), others got it wrong. In the latter case I'd just ignore it, they usually got it right the next time. And then wrong. And then right... right... wrong.. right... right... right... wrong.... Now they all master the name, but one or two mess up pronouns, like the one who passed on a message from me, saying "She says he's got one." Duh.

[Guest John Chiv]

You have received some excellent advice so far. You do have to give people time to adjust and then sift out those who are trying but may forget and those that are not making the effort. The latter as Bette said, you just have to ignore. The former, at some point you have to sit down and tell them how it makes you feel.

I am not pre-T but I am pre-op. And I look and present as male and pass well. And the only people who misgender me are a few stubborn ones that fall in the latter category. It is annoying but I just let it roll, they will never change. That is their issue.

The others have been great but even they occasionally slip up because it has only been a couple of months for some people. And I am gentle. It took us time to get comfortable and accept ourselves. For others who are not going through gender identity we need to give more time but set a timetable and then be firm.

John

[Guest Talon]

Being as I'm not out to everyone yet and am about to change my name very, very soon this post is great for me to read as well.

Some people, my nearest family mostly, are adjusting to calling me Talon. They do slip up but they are trying. There are also certain nicknames and ways of addressing me that are only feminine which I have asked them to stop altogether. They do make the effort and that's what counts. When they do slip up, I remind them in a friendly way. I also sometimes give them the stare if we're in public, not in a hostile way but as a firm reminder that it's a very important issue for me to be addressed as male.

It's a big adjustment for many people, even if they are completely on your side. Old habits die hard. I also think that time and patience is the answer. Keep reminding them, they will get it eventually. Be persistent and in a little while they will be used to using the right name.

As far as people who don't want to make an effort, if you have any of those around, I'd definitely ignore them! That's just not cool. You have the right to be called your preferred name and pronouns! Remember that. Not accepting that is very, very disrespectful.

Everything will be alright! Patience is a virtue indeed, I also tend to lack it It's frustrating how things that you want so bad right away and are so ready for often have to happen gradually or step-by-step. It will be ok, if your friends are supportive, and it sounds like they are wonderful, things are only going the right way.

Take care man! Good luck and let us know how it goes.

All the best to you,

Talon.