I Asked a Girl Out!

[Guest connor]

Another 40 something here. Nice to meet all of you. I admire your courage.

Connor

[Guest ranse]

There's got to be something statistically significant about all of us 40 somethings figuring ourselves out around the same age. Parenting standards when we were kids, maybe? I dunno, but it seems there must be some sort of link or reason why it has taken us half our lives to put the pieces together and move forward.

Thanks for the high-fives, Ranse. I don't know that I deserve them! I wasn't looking for any sort of relationship, in fact it was pretty much the opposite. I was figuring that any woman I met would think I was a freakshow and I'd die a lonely old man (but a man...and that's important). It just sort of happened... pre-Christmas miracle, I'm thinking. I am still reeling from the fact that she likes me (we haven't gotten to that other "L" word yet) despite the fact that I am transitioning. She identifies as lesbian, so we'll see how that works out as things start to change for me.

Happy Christmas, my brothers.

Jay

Jay:

I think in my case the transition came late in life because I was trying so hard to please everyone else. I was raised in the South where women are conditioned to not rock the boat ever and to put everyone else's needs ahead of their own. At the far good end of the spectrum, that shows up in the Southern hospitality we're famous for; at the far bad end of the spectrum, that shows up in the lives of women who accept unhappiness and abuse to keep other people from being upset.

For me, I also grew up in a family where people never spoke of anything in their private lives. No one ever talked about the possibility of anything but the expected gender norms and roles. Anyone in the community who deviated from those roles was the subject of gossip and speculation.

There was also a lot of ignorance about anything outside our homogenized community. Bagels and cream cheese were considered foreign foods, so you can imagine how anything else would have seemed alien.

As more gays and lesbians publicly identified as such in the media and popular culture, more people within our community did as well. It was awkward at first, but eventually that tension eroded and there was acceptance--at least from younger people (and people who were much, much older and had lived long enough to know that humans are a wide and varied bunch and no two are alike). I think I started finding courage there and then as I read more and more about successful transsexuals who were living normal lives and who were not talk show spectacles, I started realizing I could make this fundamental part of my Self known.

Finally, when I hit 40, I realized that it was okay to live my life for me, that I could be a better, more active, engaged person in general if I was happy. I also realized I could be a much better parent to my kids if I could stop thinking so much about my dysphoria and discomfort and do something about it. I could put that time and energy into them instead.

I'm done switching tracks on the train ... we can go back to the regularly scheduled conversational journey: Man, you do deserve the high-fives for having the guts to ask a woman out on a date.

[Guest alexjean1963]

Another 40 something here. Nice to meet all of you. I admire your courage.

Connor

Nice to meet you Connor, hope you don't mind if I add you as a friend, it feels a bit better knowing I have someone my own age to talk to . I have friended younger people too because they've already had surgery and stuff so every little bit counts as I am only out as FTM 12 days now and know nothing. Well; I guess I can't say "nothing", since I v'e been on the "playground" I have learned some things. Hope you have a great day/night.

[Guest alexjean1963]

WOW! Ranse, that was very well said, I can't believe the amount of people have the exact same thoughts as I do. I guess that's why I came here in the first place; to find people from my age and time when all this came about. Thank you for saying what I haven't had the chance to say all these years.

[JJ]

Can I be a 40 something by adoption?

Feels kind of lonely out here in left field

Maybe I'm just slow at things. But then I didn't have my first child till just shy of 30 -and then had to caretake a grandparent, then co-parent a grandchild. Never had a chance to stop and consider transition or even my gender truth till it finally decided to stop me cold.

But I am very glad for all of you and the years you will have to live as you are. I think in some ways transitioning in your 40s is best if you can't do it at puberty because of the experience and judgment that life has so often brought by then. You have more internal resources to get through it all. In spite of all the pain of a trans life I believe we also often find a balance that will make transition and moving into your new role easier.

Johnny

[Guest eliza.d]

we all deserve to find that special someone. sometimes just takes longer than others. patience is an aquired skill, usually thru lots of tears and pain. just keep at it, living your life in truth and it will happen, when you least expect it too.

Eliza D

[Guest Yossarian]

So...Inquiring minds would like to know, how did it go?

[Guest Seth]

CONGRATS JAY!

[Guest mynameisjay]

WooHoo! Well, we went through a rough patch (mostly hormone induced I think) but we went out yesterday and now her FB page says "dream date #4." Guess I'm out of the penalty box! Thank goodness, because she is really amazing.

Jay

[JJ]

Sounds like it turned out well to me.

Congratz!

Johnny

[Guest Yossarian]

That's really great Jay. Good luck.