I just don't know. Is it just a phase?

[Guest anonymoustoday]

Hi, I'm Alex and I recently turned fifteen not too long ago. And for about three years now, I've been questioning my gender. I didn't really realize I was doing it at first, I just thought about how nice it would be to be a boy. More recently though, over the past couple of months, I've really been having issues with my gender. I hate my breasts, always have, and I don't know a single girl that's ever happy about her period. And I just don't feel like a girl. I've always been aware of my sex, that I'm female, my mother's daughter, daddy's baby girl, all those kinds of things. And whenever someone said I was a girl, I just went with it because that was just how it was. But for the past few years I keep wanting to click "male" under the gender tab when signing up for new websites, but I still end up clicking female because I feel like I'd be lying to everyone else if I did it, and I haven't wanted to do that.

When I was a little kid, around six, I liked playing dress up and everything, and I had Barbie dolls, and sure, I liked playing with them, but I liked hanging out with my boy friends and talking about cartoons and superheroes a lot more than that. We played around and caught bugs and I really just liked being with them more than my girl friends.

Then I moved and just kept hanging out with the boys because the girls didn't like me and I was like, okay, that's fine, I'll be one of those tomboys. But after that school year I moved again. The boys never wanted to talk to me so I made friends with a co uple girls but they were really mean and I didn't like hanging out with them that much. I started liking funky, bright colored things but I was never quite girly. I didn't want to wear dresses, I didn't want to play dolls, I didn't want to talk about boys, I just didn't want to do the things all of the other girls wanted to do. I didn't want to play sports with the boys, either, so I was sort of caught in between. I drew and wrote instead, and I was happy with that for a while.

I moved again during middle school, and I met a few girls who like drawing too, so we all became friends and they were nice and everything, but one of them kind of forced gay porn on me and it was pretty scary. She and another friend said they wanted to be boys so they could have gay sex, and I thought that was okay, sure, whatever, I just kind of wanted to be a boy since being a girl sucked.

I got used to their yaoi-obsession and I guess I got into it, too, but I've grown out of it. Sure, I write and draw things about gay guys, but just as much as I do straight couples and lesbians.

I moved in the seventh grade back to my old town where I started getting girl friends, and I found I'd lost the friends I used to have. I didn't have any friends, and from all the moving, it had been getting harder and harder to make new ones, so I just shut up and stopped really trying. I didn't want to bother anyone and annoy them and they all thought I was weird for wearing all of my baggy clothes and big hoodies. I guess a rumor spread around that I was a lesbian, but I knew that wasn't true because I didn't like girls. And I still don't, I'm physically attracted to men, but more feminine ones.

The next year I made these awesome friends that have carried in through to high school. And the other night, I was talking to one of them about my gender issues and they were just so supportive of me, saying it didn't really matter, and if I wanted to be male instead, then she really wouldn't care because we're still best friends and they really just helped me through it. They kind of have gender problems, too, so I know they get it, but I don't know if it's quite to the extent that I feel since we've only talked about it twice.

I've crossdressed before, only for cosplay purposes with my friends, but I can pass for a guy really well, and I feel a lot more confidant with myself when people think I'm a boy. I have a more androgynous face and my voice isn't really masculine or feminine, so I can change it however I want when I need to.

My only problem is I don't know if this is just some phase that I'm going through as a teenager, or if I'm really transgender. The only thing I'm absolutely sure of is that I'm not a cis-gender girl.

[Guest John Chiv]

Hi Alex. Welcome to Laura's. A gender therapist is the best way for you to get answers to these questions. In the meantime, feel free to read posts and you will find there are many others who relate and feel like you do.

John

[Guest Exeter]

Hi, Alex.

I can't offer much advice, really, but I can relate to some of what you say. Growing up, I've always been very aware of being in a female body. I was logical and rational about it and knew what I had, despite wishing otherwsie. As much as I'd have preferred to be a boy, I was accustomed to being called 'she' and 'girl' , thinking that there wasn't any choice. Like you, I, in the past, wanted to tick 'male' on forms or websites, but felt I'd be lying.

When I was little I wasn't the most stereotypically masculine child; I didn't play sports, or run around screaming, or even play with a lot of boys. However, I hated dolls and most feminine activities, and always felt strange around girls. I believe I'd have played with boys more, though, if I hadn't have felt my mum would object.

I, too, am attracted to feminine males.

I can't say if this is a phase or not for you. The best way to explore that and figure it all out would be, like John suggested, to find a gender therapist.

[Guest anonymoustoday]

Thanks to both of you! I don't think I'll be able to get a gender therapist any time soon, but I might be able to at least talk to my family about it in the future. I'm glad there are stories similar to mine and I'm not just over thinking things.

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

Anonymous, I think talking to people would help. My suggestion is to try to not think about labels. Just think of yourself as you. These are just suggestions, if it doesnt work then I am sorry. Try to not let it get you down, I know easier said then done. Eventually you will be able to see a counselor even if it is a general purpose one. Just make sure what they are saying is feeling right. Dont be railroaded into anything.

Mandy