I'm 20 and I'm scared it's too late to get great results (pics)

[Guest jdinatale]

Let me preface my post with this: It's never too late to start, blah blah blah. I get that. I know some people transition in their 60's. But that's not my point. My goal would be to look like a good looking genetic girl. And lets be reality: for some that goal is never obtainable.

OK, so I am 20 years old. I realized at 18 that I had a huge problem. My problem was that my whole life I would fantasize about being a girl. The technical term is called autogynophilia. I spent 2 years in therapy trying to deny these feelings by trying to hyper-masculinize myself with uber-manly activities. I tried amateur bodybuilding. I went to the state championship in wrestling. I tried mma fighting. I went on TRT and had my testosterone level at super human levels, almost steroid-esque. None of that ever removed my thoughts.

Now I am going the other direction. I've got a letter in hand and an appointment with the endocrinologist. I have to somehow do all of this in secrecy because if my parents find out, they would 1.) have a mental breakdown, no hyperbole. 2.) kick me out of the house. How do I know this? Why because they told me of course! They know about my autogynophilia, but told me that they could never accept me as a girl and that I must keep fighting these thoughts or get out. Plus I'm under the additional pressure of knowing that I would be directly responsible for my mom having a nervous breakdown and being suicidal (she told me so).

Here's me:

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y89/jdinatale/312083_235527426494059_100001104094974_666352_732646_n.jpg

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y89/jdinatale/250469_197032613676874_100001104094974_530279_2962060_n.jpg

http://i3.photobucket.com/albums/y89/jdinatale/285277_211877728859029_100001104094974_592389_325701_n.jpg

Thoughts?

[MaryEllen]

All I know is that if you live your life according to what other people think you should be, you're going to be in for a miserable existence. At 20 years of age, you're free to make your own decisions. You have to weigh what you would gain against what you would lose. Also remember, you won't always be in the situation you are presently. Things do change. In a few years things could be entirely different. Just my thoughts.

MaryEllen

[Guest wolfySH]

I'm 20 also-- and in a similar situation.

I wish I could offer some helpful advice. :c

I was inspired to comment, however, because although in your description you made it sound as though you were hyper-masculine-manly-man, you're very pretty.

Trust me.

I don't normally comment on the posts with pictures because, well, being honest about what I think about anything tends to hurt people's feelings.

This is the exception.

You're prettier than I've ever been in all the time I've tried to force myself to be a woman (and there are some times even I will admit that the chick in the mirror I didn't know looked damn good.)

So, even though I know you've a lot else on your plate, at least you don't ever have to worry about being unattractive.

Here's my attempt at giving advice (that I really wish I'd take, myself) : If you know that you'll be miserable for the rest of your life if things continue the way they've been projected to go, take steps to change it so you have a shot at being happy.

Everyone I've asked for advice for has said some things that I'm sure you've heard and will continue to hear, that your mom's hangups are her problem and not yours. No matter how true that may be, I've always scoffed at that because if I care about her, then it's my problem, too, right?...

...

...

I guess it all comes down to survival.

I know who I am, my identity is solid. Do I take the risk and pursue my identity, or do I continue to hide and face certain death at my own hands in the very near future? Ideally, I'd say go with option 1, though I've a score of other hangups that always steer me on a razor's edge towards option 2.

So, like I said initially, I'm not the best person to ask for advice.

That being said (again), feel free to message me and I'll do my best to be an open ear at the very least. It would seem we have several things in common.

[Guest Donna Jean]

Let me preface my post with this: It's never too late to start, blah blah blah. I get that. I know some people transition in their 60's. But that's not my point. My goal would be to look like a good looking genetic girl. And lets be reality: for some that goal is never obtainable.

Thoughts?

I just want to say one thing, Hon....

No one knows how they will turn out....if you start HRT at 10 or 70 years old.....

Transition is a crap shoot.......

But, if you are woman.....most transition regardless of the consequences.....

Good luck

Dee Jay

[Guest Kelly-087]

In your home situation, I think a lot of us (at least younger girls) can relate. I face a similar situation. Two years left on school. Pretty sure my father would never accept me as a girl, shows much irrational hatred for anything homosexual, trans, ect. I can't honestly say it's something he could handle.

As for your looks? I think you'd be surprised. You're very good looking, and I don't think it;s a stretch that you become very passable as a girl after some time on HRT. I've seen much manlier looking transition photos become very convincing and beautiful women(Quite a few on the forums here even).

[Guest Szenzie]

*holds hand up* I agree with Kelly. You've got some beautiful features. Throw in some HRT, some styled hair and make up and you'll be far prettier than most other gals who have the luxury of XX chromosomes

I noticed this is your first post. Take some time to post in the introduction forum We would love to get to know you. Considering your description, it's really important that you see a gender therapist as soon as possible. One of the best things I've ever done!

[Guest jdinatale]

I'm 20 also-- and in a similar situation.

I wish I could offer some helpful advice. :c

I was inspired to comment, however, because although in your description you made it sound as though you were hyper-masculine-manly-man, you're very pretty.

Trust me.

I don't normally comment on the posts with pictures because, well, being honest about what I think about anything tends to hurt people's feelings.

This is the exception.

You're prettier than I've ever been in all the time I've tried to force myself to be a woman (and there are some times even I will admit that the chick in the mirror I didn't know looked damn good.)

So, even though I know you've a lot else on your plate, at least you don't ever have to worry about being unattractive.

Here's my attempt at giving advice (that I really wish I'd take, myself) : If you know that you'll be miserable for the rest of your life if things continue the way they've been projected to go, take steps to change it so you have a shot at being happy.

Everyone I've asked for advice for has said some things that I'm sure you've heard and will continue to hear, that your mom's hangups are her problem and not yours. No matter how true that may be, I've always scoffed at that because if I care about her, then it's my problem, too, right?...

...

...

I guess it all comes down to survival.

I know who I am, my identity is solid. Do I take the risk and pursue my identity, or do I continue to hide and face certain death at my own hands in the very near future? Ideally, I'd say go with option 1, though I've a score of other hangups that always steer me on a razor's edge towards option 2.

So, like I said initially, I'm not the best person to ask for advice.

That being said (again), feel free to message me and I'll do my best to be an open ear at the very least. It would seem we have several things in common.

*holds hand up* I agree with Kelly. You've got some beautiful features. Throw in some HRT, some styled hair and make up and you'll be far prettier than most other gals who have the luxury of XX chromosomes

I noticed this is your first post. Take some time to post in the introduction forum We would love to get to know you. Considering your description, it's really important that you see a gender therapist as soon as possible. One of the best things I've ever done!

In your home situation, I think a lot of us (at least younger girls) can relate. I face a similar situation. Two years left on school. Pretty sure my father would never accept me as a girl, shows much irrational hatred for anything homosexual, trans, ect. I can't honestly say it's something he could handle.

As for your looks? I think you'd be surprised. You're very good looking, and I don't think it;s a stretch that you become very passable as a girl after some time on HRT. I've seen much manlier looking transition photos become very convincing and beautiful women(Quite a few on the forums here even).

Wow, thanks for the complements. I have always had low self-esteem and have never thought I looked good.

Kelly, you mentioned that you knew of some good transitions, do you have any links to any? I need some inspiration.

[Guest SaleneAlexis]

I can understand about families not understanding. Mine does not either, but I am doing this for Myself. As with everyone else, I can see you with HRT as a very lovely lady. Maybe finding a therapist to talk to about it may be helpful, it works for me

(a hug for a sister)

Stephanie

[Guest Leah1026]

My goal would be to look like a good looking genetic girl.

Rule #1 for a successful transition is having realistic expectations. To do that you have to modify what you just said. I would suggest you adopt the following:

I'm going to do the best I can with what I have.

The technical term is called autogynophilia.

Do yourself a favor and forget you ever heard that word, it does not apply to you. You were born transsexual (mind-body mismatch).

Plus I'm under the additional pressure of knowing that I would be directly responsible for my mom having a nervous breakdown and being suicidal (she told me so).

You are not responsible for her; don't let her guilt trip you into oblivion. If you keep living for your parents and/or waiting for their approval you're only going to find that day never comes. You're an adult and can make your own decisions. I would plan to be ready to move out and proceed with transition. When they confront you you tell them the truth. Then they can either accept you or reject you, but it's NOT your fault; you didn't ask to be born this way. You have the right to the same kind of happiness and fulfillment as anyone else. Hopefully your parents will see you are serious and change their tune.

Please read the following that was written by Kate Grimaldi:

The “Dirty Dozen” Secret Teachings

1. This is not your fault. Don’t ask for permission or go seeking anyone’s blessing. This is not a moral failure. It’s probably biological, in the womb female brain wiring, but certainly no scientific expert knows why, nor do we, so how would they?

2. God is not against you. They are. Using God’s name (in vain?) is merely a way to sidestep the issue. Don’t fall for that one - - *they* are tolerant, but God is not? Hmm.

3. This is not happening to them; it’s happening to you. Don’t be convinced others come first. That thinking is what got you so deeply into this mess. Time to think, maybe for the first time ever, about yourself. Remember, time is running out.

4. Therapy, exorcisms, and wonder drugs will not “cure” you - - nor will getting a girl friend, getting married, or siring children, that’s just going along with the program and digging in deeper.

5. This is not about having sex. If you have felt this way since childhood, it almost certainly has nothing to do with having sex. Growing up alone with this, yet having it always present, sex may have turned out to be one of the very few private times you could express it - - either in private fantasies or in the special intimacy of sexual bonding.

6. People will hide their real emotions from you. In the tempest of accusations by others, people who seem steady and keep their cool might come across as supportive. This could merely be polite indifference when actually they don’t give a damn about you. Remember what someone says to your face may not always be what is said about you over by the water cooler. Once the surprise and shock has worn off, attitudes and prejudices can harden in polite silences.

7. You will be asked to give up virtually everything. The life you knew will be forever changed without hope of recovery. Be ready to profoundly grieve. Be ready for undreamed of joy. You will get both in spades.

8. There will be a set of future disappointments. No one’s life can be made blissful based on one, albeit dramatic, set of events.

9. You will have to learn virtually everything without teachers. Most of the day-to-day advice will be just plain bad. This is where transitions undergo their greatest peril, so have a contingency for at least one, if not more, restarts.

10. You will have to learn femininity as rote as tying your shoes or riding a bike. Let the back of your brain take over. It might even seem eerie and alien at first, because for the first time we will actually be ourselves and not some --Censored Word-- image we built to hide behind, but giving up the security blanket of false images will be the first step.

11. Be ready for the shock. A woman’s life and choices are more limited than we ever thought, no matter how much we imagine we are prepared. We are entering the world of women. We are not out to retool the world or straighten other women out on what their lot in life is. They are the ones who will show us “how its done,” not the other way around.

12. Be ruthless. The world is a very tough place. A halfhearted attempt will almost always backfire. “A camel is a horse designed by a committee.” There are no compromises. Go for what you are. Your immortal soul is not up for negotiation. If you won’t sell it to the devil, why sell your soul to anyone mortal?

© Kate Grimaldi, 2003, all rights reserved.

[Guest Kaitlyn16]

I hate it when parents play the guilt card... luckily mine haven't, but I think that's just because they don't realize this isn't just a phase yet... O.o

As for results, you really shouldnt worry about that because 1. Your only 20, so your response to hormones should be pretty strong, and 2. You look great! I would be more suprised if you didn't look good post-transition...O.o

[Guest chngnwnd]

Even my parents use the guilt card - and I am 41. It is emotional blackmail, don't give in to it. It will continue to be used to manipulate your life choices until you stand up to it. Think long term as well. How will you feel about yourself and the decisions you make 10, 15, 20 years from now when you look back at this moment in your life? I guarantee that GD does not ever go away despite our best efforts to repress it.

That being said, exercise prudence. If you can cope with the situation given your parents' stance, it might be beneficial to complete your education before openly transitioning. Also, it is not about how you look, it is about how you feel about yourself. Transitioning at a later point in life does not mean you will not pass well nor does transitioning at a young age mean that you will. To a certain extent, things are a bit of a crap shoot.

hugs

Bobbi

[Guest jdinatale]

My goal would be to look like a good looking genetic girl.

Rule #1 for a successful transition is having realistic expectations. To do that you have to modify what you just said. I would suggest you adopt the following:

I'm going to do the best I can with what I have.

The technical term is called autogynophilia.

Do yourself a favor and forget you ever heard that word, it does not apply to you. You were born transsexual (mind-body mismatch).

Plus I'm under the additional pressure of knowing that I would be directly responsible for my mom having a nervous breakdown and being suicidal (she told me so).

You are not responsible for her; don't let her guilt trip you into oblivion. If you keep living for your parents and/or waiting for their approval you're only going to find that day never comes. You're an adult and can make your own decisions. I would plan to be ready to move out and proceed with transition. When they confront you you tell them the truth. Then they can either accept you or reject you, but it's NOT your fault; you didn't ask to be born this way. You have the right to the same kind of happiness and fulfillment as anyone else. Hopefully your parents will see you are serious and change their tune.

Please read the following that was written by Kate Grimaldi:

The “Dirty Dozen” Secret Teachings

1. This is not your fault. Don’t ask for permission or go seeking anyone’s blessing. This is not a moral failure. It’s probably biological, in the womb female brain wiring, but certainly no scientific expert knows why, nor do we, so how would they?

2. God is not against you. They are. Using God’s name (in vain?) is merely a way to sidestep the issue. Don’t fall for that one - - *they* are tolerant, but God is not? Hmm.

3. This is not happening to them; it’s happening to you. Don’t be convinced others come first. That thinking is what got you so deeply into this mess. Time to think, maybe for the first time ever, about yourself. Remember, time is running out.

4. Therapy, exorcisms, and wonder drugs will not “cure” you - - nor will getting a girl friend, getting married, or siring children, that’s just going along with the program and digging in deeper.

5. This is not about having sex. If you have felt this way since childhood, it almost certainly has nothing to do with having sex. Growing up alone with this, yet having it always present, sex may have turned out to be one of the very few private times you could express it - - either in private fantasies or in the special intimacy of sexual bonding.

6. People will hide their real emotions from you. In the tempest of accusations by others, people who seem steady and keep their cool might come across as supportive. This could merely be polite indifference when actually they don’t give a damn about you. Remember what someone says to your face may not always be what is said about you over by the water cooler. Once the surprise and shock has worn off, attitudes and prejudices can harden in polite silences.

7. You will be asked to give up virtually everything. The life you knew will be forever changed without hope of recovery. Be ready to profoundly grieve. Be ready for undreamed of joy. You will get both in spades.

8. There will be a set of future disappointments. No one’s life can be made blissful based on one, albeit dramatic, set of events.

9. You will have to learn virtually everything without teachers. Most of the day-to-day advice will be just plain bad. This is where transitions undergo their greatest peril, so have a contingency for at least one, if not more, restarts.

10. You will have to learn femininity as rote as tying your shoes or riding a bike. Let the back of your brain take over. It might even seem eerie and alien at first, because for the first time we will actually be ourselves and not some --Censored Word-- image we built to hide behind, but giving up the security blanket of false images will be the first step.

11. Be ready for the shock. A woman’s life and choices are more limited than we ever thought, no matter how much we imagine we are prepared. We are entering the world of women. We are not out to retool the world or straighten other women out on what their lot in life is. They are the ones who will show us “how its done,” not the other way around.

12. Be ruthless. The world is a very tough place. A halfhearted attempt will almost always backfire. “A camel is a horse designed by a committee.” There are no compromises. Go for what you are. Your immortal soul is not up for negotiation. If you won’t sell it to the devil, why sell your soul to anyone mortal?

© Kate Grimaldi, 2003, all rights reserved.

Even my parents use the guilt card - and I am 41. It is emotional blackmail, don't give in to it. It will continue to be used to manipulate your life choices until you stand up to it. Think long term as well. How will you feel about yourself and the decisions you make 10, 15, 20 years from now when you look back at this moment in your life? I guarantee that GD does not ever go away despite our best efforts to repress it.

That being said, exercise prudence. If you can cope with the situation given your parents' stance, it might be beneficial to complete your education before openly transitioning. Also, it is not about how you look, it is about how you feel about yourself. Transitioning at a later point in life does not mean you will not pass well nor does transitioning at a young age mean that you will. To a certain extent, things are a bit of a crap shoot.

hugs

Bobbi

Thanks for the advice. I'm starting to realize that it isn't a healthy relationship with my parents for them to trying to hold me responsible for their health and well-being.

There is one thing that I have no answer for: The God card. My family is devout Mormon and here are things I hear on a daily basis:

"God doesn't make mistakes. God doesn't put female spirits in a male body."

"Just because you have these feelings, doesn't mean it's OK with God to act on them."

"God can do ANYTHING. If you have enough faith and pray, God can take these feelings away from you."

No amount of reasoning works with my family, because God always trumps anything that I say. It's extremely frustrating.

[Guest Robin Winter]

Yes...and you may have to make a choice between your parents feelings and your own. Religion is a powerful thing for a lot of people. I had a choice to make too. My own feelings or my fathers, and religion was at the heart of it. I chose to find stability and health, and we no longer have a relationship. Nobody said this would be easy.

Good luck.

[Guest Merc]

I didn't think I had anything to add until you said your parents were devout Mormon.

I grew up in Utah, I even started as LDS. My entire extended family is very "with" the whole saints thing. They are bishops and ward presidents. I even grew up thinking myself, I, had really satanic/non godly thoughts. This changed as I changed my paradigm, my thinking. I consider myself very spiritual now. But way back when before I moved from Utah, I grew up in the bigoted(or rather just sexually uneducated) neighborhood. Interestingly enough, I had a neighbor that wore a kilt, and a lot of gender roles were backwards in their family(sister was into wood shop and brother liked sewing). And yet, this was okay, and not the altering of the body to become a different gender. I pretty much hid in fear, all the time. I was never myself, and on the rare occasion that I expressed my emotions, I was still always told I just looked indifferent. Bored.

One of the main problems is that Mormons follow the Book of Mormon, pushing the actual Bible aside. Nowhere in the bible does it say anything against transsexualism or even gender for that matter. And regardless of what it says in the Book of Mormon, the followers of the LDS church will always follow their prophet. And right now the consensus is that transsexualism is bad. You really can't expect anything different than that. Having said that, how did my super-Mormon family take it when I told them my condition? When I told them what I was planning on doing? Most were actually very warming, the females were almost unanimous in acceptance. That followed with them probably discussing it with their husbands, and some of the family trying to understand why. It felt backwards, actually, the ones who were more hostile towards me after that seemed to be the males(uncles, cousins) that were not religious or spiritual at all. There are exceptions everywhere, of course, my very atheist cousin accepts me, and so do some of the males that seem like they shouldn't.

A little note about Utah: although heavily ran by religious activity(I like to call it the Mormon Mafia), there are small anti-religious or resistance groups within it. I hated the state at first, but now that I've moved away, I've realized there is no place like home!

--

I know this may seem like a religious rant, but it DOES pertain to the conversation.

~Emily

[Guest jdinatale]

Hey, so I don't want to start a new thread, but I was wondering: How expensive is HRT WITHOUT insurance? The medicine that is (estrogen + anti-androgen). Is there a generic so that it's cheap?

[Guest Kelly-087]

http://imageshack.us/photo/my-images/546/image9503.jpg/

Here's an image I've found online. I honestly don't know the person or the story to it, but I find it quite amazing still.. I can only imagine that it these are all transition photos, and you can see the different stages. Assuming it's real (Unverifiable, again don't know who this is) and I think it is, it's simply amazing.

As for the HRT? I'll leave that to some of the girls here.. I'm not on HRT, and probably won't be for at least half a year, if more. But I've not heard it's expensive.

[Guest Amethyst_Redemption]

You're really pretty... <exploitive>

You are pretty, especially for a pre-transition sister. You are going to be disgustingly hot. I hate you.

April

[Guest Ariel Patterson]

Dear, remember that once you start HRT your face will gradually (over the course of a year or 2) look more and more feminine.

That said, you'll look just fine hon. I'm actually rather jealous because you'll probably look better than I do!

But you shouldn't fret over your appearance so much. It may be true that some people just aren't going to physically look very feminine. But its not about looking feminine. Its about being yourself, a beautiful woman on the inside. Heck, half the women I see every day don't look very feminine.

Next time you go out just take a glance at the other women from time to time. You'll see that natal women have the exact same problem all the time. Its a natural girl instinct honey.

[Guest Ariel Patterson]

I thought I'd share a few before pictures since you shared some of yours.

And some after pictures.

Trust me. You'll look fine dear. Just be who you are.

[Guest Krisina]

Hey, so I don't want to start a new thread, but I was wondering: How expensive is HRT WITHOUT insurance? The medicine that is (estrogen + anti-androgen). Is there a generic so that it's cheap?

I live in Canada so prices will be different. I got the impression from asking at a support group meeting it's about $100 a month, Estrodiol (Estrace) or Primeran (for Estrogen), Progesterone and Spironolactone (Anti Androgen). You would still need to pay for getting blood work done too on top of the monthly cost for hormones. I don't know how often people go in to get blood work done.

But having said all the above, maybe there are some others on here who can give an idea for costs for hrt without insurance. A local transgender support group too for an idea for costs in your particular state too.

Krisina

[Guest Mayi]

There is one thing that I have no answer for: The God card. My family is devout Mormon and here are things I hear on a daily basis:

"God doesn't make mistakes. God doesn't put female spirits in a male body."

"Just because you have these feelings, doesn't mean it's OK with God to act on them."

"God can do ANYTHING. If you have enough faith and pray, God can take these feelings away from you."

No amount of reasoning works with my family, because God always trumps anything that I say. It's extremely frustrating.

It might not be the perfect answer, but when my mom played the God card saying that God doesn't do mistakes, my answer was to agree with her. Something like: "yus, I do feel that God doesn't do mistakes, so I believe there is a reason for him to decide it was the correct for me to be born a girl into the body of a boy. Maybe he knew that I could protect other girls, help people realize how to be tolerant with my brothers and sisters, so I know that he didn't make a mistake with me. The mistake would be to ignore all this. I know nothing is impossible for God, so I constantly talk with him, seek his advice, and pray that people are more understanding with each other". "I also know that neither I or anyone can speak for what God thinks, but I do believe in his words when he said that he loved his every creation. So I know he loves me for who am I, and knows I'm doing my best to be someone he can be proud of". (mom didn't become more accepting with me after this, but at least she stopped playing the God card )

Over all, don't become trapped between 'if you are trans you are against God'. Here in Mexico, where machoism is a daily experience (and you may imagine how 'terrible news' would being t would be for parents), I always felt that defending yourself from parents was like playing bullfighting: there are many techniques for bullfighting, some people say that you must run straight forward and directly charge, some say that you have to advance slowly with sidesteps, and some trust in a lucky charge... but the golden rule is that you should always respect the bull.

For some of us, fighting with opposition from parents, friends, and coworkers may require different approaches, but over all, we should respect their point of view, and understand and respect their point of view. No matter if their point of view sounds dumb, discriminative, or is cool and open. There isn't good and bad person here, neither there is the option to 'become convinced being trans is wrong and opt out'. There might be some friendships broken or not, some relatives shocked, not accepting, or not. But we should always respect them and if possible, forgive them for their limited understanding, and move on. Eventually, new friendships will arrive, relatives might understand, and life is always brighter keeping a smile on.

Good luck, and merry Christmas!

[Guest cassie51]

You're really pretty... <exploitive>

You are pretty, especially for a pre-transition sister. You are going to be disgustingly hot. I hate you.

April

Are you kidding jdinatale? I'm totally with April on this one!

You have been blessed with some awesome genes. I hope that you find your true path sister. Keep us updated.

{{HUGGS}}

Cassie

[Guest John Chiv]

Mayi,

What a great answer. I agree with a lot of what you have said. Merry Christmas.

John

[Guest Ariel Patterson]

According to Walmart.com (in the US) , you can get them as part of their $4 prescriptions deal. They have both Spiro and Estradiol. Of course, you'll need a prescription to buy them.

My clinic has a fee scale based on your income, and I qualified to not pay for most treatments + a discount at their pharmacy. I pay $4 for each of my prescriptions, but I suspect its only about $20-30 each normally.

[Guest jdinatale]

How do you guys deal with the anxiety of waiting to get on HRT? Like all day, I can't get the thought out of my head, "What if the endocrine says no?" Like I'm scared to death I'm going to walk in and he'll be like "um, no. we don't do that here." I have to take lots of xanax and binge eat to get through this time in my life and it's not healthy having all of this stress.

You're really pretty... <exploitive>

You are pretty, especially for a pre-transition sister. You are going to be disgustingly hot. I hate you.

April

Wow, thanks. It's my belief that every girl can look beautiful with enough work. I'm sure that there are features about yourself that I wish that I had.

Dear, remember that once you start HRT your face will gradually (over the course of a year or 2) look more and more feminine.

That said, you'll look just fine hon. I'm actually rather jealous because you'll probably look better than I do!

But you shouldn't fret over your appearance so much. It may be true that some people just aren't going to physically look very feminine. But its not about looking feminine. Its about being yourself, a beautiful woman on the inside. Heck, half the women I see every day don't look very feminine.

Next time you go out just take a glance at the other women from time to time. You'll see that natal women have the exact same problem all the time. Its a natural girl instinct honey.

It is true that just plain being a girl is the most important part. But it is a harsh fact of life that more attractive people usually land better jobs and have more success making friends, and have an easier time in life (not saying it's right). My dream is to be an investment banker, and that industry is very conservative. If I looked like a man in a dress, it is 99% certain that I wouldn't have the job opportunities that I want. I need to be 100% passable.

There is one thing that I have no answer for: The God card. My family is devout Mormon and here are things I hear on a daily basis:

"God doesn't make mistakes. God doesn't put female spirits in a male body."

"Just because you have these feelings, doesn't mean it's OK with God to act on them."

"God can do ANYTHING. If you have enough faith and pray, God can take these feelings away from you."

No amount of reasoning works with my family, because God always trumps anything that I say. It's extremely frustrating.

It might not be the perfect answer, but when my mom played the God card saying that God doesn't do mistakes, my answer was to agree with her. Something like: "yus, I do feel that God doesn't do mistakes, so I believe there is a reason for him to decide it was the correct for me to be born a girl into the body of a boy. Maybe he knew that I could protect other girls, help people realize how to be tolerant with my brothers and sisters, so I know that he didn't make a mistake with me. The mistake would be to ignore all this. I know nothing is impossible for God, so I constantly talk with him, seek his advice, and pray that people are more understanding with each other". "I also know that neither I or anyone can speak for what God thinks, but I do believe in his words when he said that he loved his every creation. So I know he loves me for who am I, and knows I'm doing my best to be someone he can be proud of". (mom didn't become more accepting with me after this, but at least she stopped playing the God card )

Over all, don't become trapped between 'if you are trans you are against God'. Here in Mexico, where machoism is a daily experience (and you may imagine how 'terrible news' would being t would be for parents), I always felt that defending yourself from parents was like playing bullfighting: there are many techniques for bullfighting, some people say that you must run straight forward and directly charge, some say that you have to advance slowly with sidesteps, and some trust in a lucky charge... but the golden rule is that you should always respect the bull.

For some of us, fighting with opposition from parents, friends, and coworkers may require different approaches, but over all, we should respect their point of view, and understand and respect their point of view. No matter if their point of view sounds dumb, discriminative, or is cool and open. There isn't good and bad person here, neither there is the option to 'become convinced being trans is wrong and opt out'. There might be some friendships broken or not, some relatives shocked, not accepting, or not. But we should always respect them and if possible, forgive them for their limited understanding, and move on. Eventually, new friendships will arrive, relatives might understand, and life is always brighter keeping a smile on.

Good luck, and merry Christmas!

Wow, incredible post. I took lots of notes! I feel like that is just the right response to tell my mom when she says, "God doesn't make mistakes." I'll agree with her: I'm not a mistake and God made me this way for a reason.

Are you kidding jdinatale? I'm totally with April on this one!

You have been blessed with some awesome genes. I hope that you find your true path sister. Keep us updated.

{{HUGGS}}

Cassie

geeze thanks. No I wasn't kidding, I have always had low self esteem with my looks because I have failed hundreds of times with women as a guy (it might have something to do with me beings trans...). I've never had a girlfriend or kissed! of course I'll keep you updated.

According to Walmart.com (in the US) , you can get them as part of their $4 prescriptions deal. They have both Spiro and Estradiol. Of course, you'll need a prescription to buy them.

My clinic has a fee scale based on your income, and I qualified to not pay for most treatments + a discount at their pharmacy. I pay $4 for each of my prescriptions, but I suspect its only about $20-30 each normally.

Yeah I have a Sam's Club membership and the pharmacy seems to get good prices. But none of that matters if the medicine costs $260 vs $300. I really do hope the price is manageable. It seems like it would be since estrogen is such a fundamental compound, it's not like it's a revolutionary cancer fighting drug.