I'm 20 and I'm scared it's too late to get great results (pics)

[Guest leela_anima]

I can totally relate to the above two posts...i'm right where jdinatale is and i thank Ariel Patterson for her personal post... this is not the easiest bridge to cross, and it does take some real soul searching...what i hate about myself is that the resolve isn't constant! it wavers from day to day...why is that?? some days i make up my mind for sure, then others i start to doubt and not care as much...sigh life is tricky lol.

[Guest Svenna]

After the doubts have all been sorted through for the ten-millionth time. After the never-ending pain has returned in all its fury one last time, after all that you once thought was impossible to release is now just an old, tired anchor around your soul, after all this, you may find yourself less resistant to the inevitable...

I have been on HRT for almost 2 months (with one brief stop for a last re-consideration) and have laid to rest many of the fears y'all are now struggling with inside. Take your time, be brutally honest with yourself, and when the time comes, you will be ready to finally feel better. I find it hard to believe that one could ever be able to 'imagine' what HRT will do for a trans-person in need. I guarantee that IF a person is truly trans, HRT will bring mental and psychological relief beyond imagination. If you need this medicine, it is GOOD stuff!!!

Take your time, but don't waste it. Follow your heart...

Best to all of you, Svenna

[Guest jdinatale]

I would like to start by saying that just because your a woman does not mean you can not be with another woman. There is nothing wrong with still loving women and wanting to become a woman. Your sexual orientation and your gender identity are separate. Just means you'd be a lesbian. But don't let your sexual orientation have any influence over this. Thats a whole different ball game on a different channel.

But I am SO glad to know I wasn't the only person thinking that at the beginning of transitioning!

I had the SAME thoughts going through my head before I decided to go full time. "What if I'm wrong? What if this is only some weird sexual fetish or something?" "I'll never be able to be with a woman again. Never be a husband or a father..." And so I got scared that the therapist would not allow me to start HRT because it was for the wrong reasons. I looked into all of this of course. And most of it was nullified with some education.

You can still be a "father" in a sense. You can always have your sperm frozen in a sperm bank so its there if you decide you want children. If women can love women, then you, as a woman, can love women too.

Your doctor will tell you before starting that you can stop at any time if you decide its not right for you anymore. Granted, there will be some irreversible changes if you've been on hrt for long enough, but you can still go back to, essentially, living your life as a man.

But I was still afraid. And so I stopped. I did. I stopped dressing up. I stop telling myself and everyone else I was a woman for 2 months. I wasn't happy. In fact, I was pretty miserable those 2 months and started having problems sleeping again. Even went back into my little "I'm invisible to the world" hole. But when a chance came around to be out of state at a convention, I made a split second decision that I would go as a woman. And I felt right. The world felt brighter. Everything just seemed so much better as I was seen and treated as a woman. I was cheering myself up just picking out my outfits 3 hours before the trip!

Most importantly, I could look in the mirror and smile at myself. Smile because the person I saw in the mirror was finally looking like the person I always thought I was. A beautiful woman.

After the con I decided it was time for me to get serious about transitioning. I decided it was undeniable truth that this was what I truly wanted. Not for sexual reasons either.

These moments of doubt will always come up. And you will find yourself wondering if what your doing is really what you want. They come up for all of us at all stages of transitioning.

For me, I look back at my childhood, my life as a man, and the fact that I could never look myself in the mirror as a man. I compare my life as a man, and the time I've spent as a woman.

I can't give you an answer on how to handle the moments of doubt. Its different for all of us.

But sometimes, for me, it can be solved with one question: Are you happy?

I owe it to myself to be happy. It took me 3 months to get over all my fears. Fear of being in a hospital. Fear of rejection. Fear of responsibility. Fear of big crowds. Fear of being somewhere I've never been. Fear of driving so far out from my home. But I did it. And my only regret is that I wish I had gotten over them sooner. From my first visit, I was on hormones after less than 2 months. And although I still have a few fleeting moments of doubt they are all usually washed away with the question "Am I happier now than I was before?" and "Would I ever go back?".

I STARTED HORMONES TODAY!

thanks for reassuring my different fears. I guess it's normal to have doubts and concerns with every decision.

Edited January 4, 2012 by JenniferB
Disclosing dosages is not allowed

[Guest Stormrider2112]

Congratulations

[Guest Ariel Patterson]

I'm happy for you dear! And I'm glad I was able to ease some of your nervousness.

[Guest jdinatale]

Well I didn't want to start a new thread but...how do you find out from God that it is OK to transition? With such a big decision, I just want to be sure that it is the right one. For those of you who have prayed diligently about the matter, how did you get your answer?

[Guest leela_anima]

first, congrats on your actions, i need to get myself in gear now lol...

as for the question...ahhh.... that's something that's personal and subjective for your own journey! you must find that answer for yourself but, i think you already know the answer. i'll give a bit on my thoughts, just remember that it's my belief system, take from it what you find useful....

first off i'm assuming since your from the south, hard-core christianity has probably been instilled into you... i can relate to that... that probably brings up inner-conflicts that many are not a stranger to, but remember that alot of the guilt about this topic is shoved down our throats by the 'church community' and 'their interpretation' of the 'word of god'. has god himself ever come down and told you directly that transitioning is 'wrong'? of course not. but what about the bible! is it not the word of god?? where does the bible come from?? from a bunch of random authors through a span of hundreds of years, then when it was completed, it was passed down orally for about 200 years! have you ever played a game of telephone with friends? can you imagine passing down the whole bible by memory over 200 years?? then it was written down after by hand, copied over and over with pen and parchment until the 1500's where the printing press was finally invented. not all those monks were well educated. i'm i trying to disprove the bible of it's divinity? not necessarily so, however what i can say is that it's very possible that the people in charge(*cough*cough*theromancatholics*cough) could have altered the texts to sway the masses as religion WAS used to conquer and control the populace for quite some time... so add all that food for thought to the fact that EVERYONE will have a unique interpretation of the bible, hence why there are over a 1000 christian denominations, which one of them is right?? if you still want to find a way through the christian paradigm, we can still do that! who's the sole inspiration for the christian religion?? hmmm, oh ya, jesus! would we not take his teachings and words as top priority as how to navigate through 'morals and ethics'? the new testament is christianity, the old testament is jewish, jesus has DONE away with the old testament through several examples, and guess what? the new testament is not anti-gay. many will argue other-wise, but if you really research, it's not anti-gay or anti-trans! the old testament might be used that way, but alas as christians, we're not supposed to go by that! even if they tried, they're still taking it out of context! the preachers and priests that use the anti-gay/trans stuff in the old testament are OUT OF CONTEXT! they just use those single versus, where if you were to read the entire chapter/passage, they don't apply to us now or specifically in general!! and the bible says it is a great sin to use it out of context to sway people! lol! jesus does say that marriage is between man and woman, but did he really define 'man' and 'woman'? he did not go into detail, but he mentions alot that we are 'spirit' first, form later... now here's a verse that no one seems to bring up...

Matthew 19:11-12

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. ¹² For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”

now many scholars argue about the meaning of 'eunuch', and i don't want girls here getting riled about me making this relation, but give me some slack, there is to some degree a relation to us! jesus had to use a different vocabulary, a different diction all those years ago, but i think i knew what he was trying to say. think about it, some 'who were born that way'(intersexed/transgendered), or who choose to live like eunuchs(also another very likely reference)... so jesus gives us a thumbs up and a place in heaven too! (my interpretation lol)

now to add to this rant, we'll even bring science into the arena. more and more evidence is starting to show that transgenderism/sexual orientation is actually biological! it's determined by the formation of the brain! can you control how your brain forms? of course not! that happens during the 2nd trimester, done by 'nature', ergo, god... so tell me, why would god create us 'sinners'? the LGBT branch, were we 'condemned to hell' from the get-go? that's silly, god and the universe makes no mistakes, only people do. people who are scared, ignorant, self-righteous, egotistical, who use 'the word of god' for there own psychological well-being and fear to uphold 'society's standards' which is all nonsense anyways...

so ya, hope that kinda helps somewhat, ultimately though, this is a personal journey between you and yourself to find the answers... have faith

[Guest kelise]

I am an Atheist. There are some who take that very simple statement as an attack on their belief system, and with that any possibility of a constructive positive conversation ends. I assure you I mean only respect, but I feel the need to proselytize to you in this situation. I respect those who proselytize, it shows they care enough to want to save me from a terrible fate. If there was a truck speeding towards me, and I didn't believe it was there, I would appreciate someone trying to convince me. However, Laura's open forums are not a place for proselytization. So respectfully, I invite you to read Richard Dawkin's book, and I ask that if you are at all or even the slightest bit interested in the Atheist viewpoint on this, please PM me.

[Guest leela_anima]

I am an Atheist. There are some who take that very simple statement and an attack on their belief system, and with that any possibility of a constructive positive conversation ends. I assure you I mean only respect, but I feel the need to proselytize to you in this situation. I respect those who proselytize, it shows they care enough to want to save me from a terrible fate. If there was a truck speeding towards me, and I didn't believe it was there, I would appreciate someone trying to convince me. However, Laura's open forums are not a place for proselytization. So respectfully, I invite you to read Richard Dawkin's book, and I ask that if you are at all or even the slightest bit interested in the Atheist viewpoint on this, please PM me.

ahh yes good point, i hope my looong rant is not viewed at attempted proselytization, 'twas not the purpose, i was just stating info i found, just food for thought meant to inspire questions, nothing more... did not mean to tread on anyone else's beliefs, this simply just my own perspective on things, there is a diff forum for this kinda chat but i was just respondin' to the thread above

[Guest kelise]

I am an Atheist. There are some who take that very simple statement and an attack on their belief system, and with that any possibility of a constructive positive conversation ends. I assure you I mean only respect, but I feel the need to proselytize to you in this situation. I respect those who proselytize, it shows they care enough to want to save me from a terrible fate. If there was a truck speeding towards me, and I didn't believe it was there, I would appreciate someone trying to convince me. However, Laura's open forums are not a place for proselytization. So respectfully, I invite you to read Richard Dawkin's book, and I ask that if you are at all or even the slightest bit interested in the Atheist viewpoint on this, please PM me.

ahh yes good point, i hope my looong rant is not viewed at attempted proselytization, 'twas not the purpose, i was just stating info i found, just food for thought meant to inspire questions, nothing more... did not mean to tread on anyone else's beliefs, this simply just my own perspective on things, there is a diff forum for this kinda chat but i was just respondin' to the thread above

No worries, hun. I too was only responding to same post you were, only with my input. My response was not in any way a reaction to yours. I also do not wish to tread on anyone's beliefs, merely share my own.

[Guest Amethyst_Redemption]

Congratulations GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Guest jdinatale]

I am an Atheist. There are some who take that very simple statement as an attack on their belief system, and with that any possibility of a constructive positive conversation ends. I assure you I mean only respect, but I feel the need to proselytize to you in this situation. I respect those who proselytize, it shows they care enough to want to save me from a terrible fate. If there was a truck speeding towards me, and I didn't believe it was there, I would appreciate someone trying to convince me. However, Laura's open forums are not a place for proselytization. So respectfully, I invite you to read Richard Dawkin's book, and I ask that if you are at all or even the slightest bit interested in the Atheist viewpoint on this, please PM me.

I am sorry that you took my post that way, but I hope that it was clear from the context that I meant: If you do, in fact, believe in God, then how did you find out his approval of your transition? I wasn't implying that you have to believe in God or that you have to have divine approval to transition.

first, congrats on your actions, i need to get myself in gear now lol...

as for the question...ahhh.... that's something that's personal and subjective for your own journey! you must find that answer for yourself but, i think you already know the answer. i'll give a bit on my thoughts, just remember that it's my belief system, take from it what you find useful....

first off i'm assuming since your from the south, hard-core christianity has probably been instilled into you... i can relate to that... that probably brings up inner-conflicts that many are not a stranger to, but remember that alot of the guilt about this topic is shoved down our throats by the 'church community' and 'their interpretation' of the 'word of god'. has god himself ever come down and told you directly that transitioning is 'wrong'? of course not. but what about the bible! is it not the word of god?? where does the bible come from?? from a bunch of random authors through a span of hundreds of years, then when it was completed, it was passed down orally for about 200 years! have you ever played a game of telephone with friends? can you imagine passing down the whole bible by memory over 200 years?? then it was written down after by hand, copied over and over with pen and parchment until the 1500's where the printing press was finally invented. not all those monks were well educated. i'm i trying to disprove the bible of it's divinity? not necessarily so, however what i can say is that it's very possible that the people in charge(*cough*cough*theromancatholics*cough) could have altered the texts to sway the masses as religion WAS used to conquer and control the populace for quite some time... so add all that food for thought to the fact that EVERYONE will have a unique interpretation of the bible, hence why there are over a 1000 christian denominations, which one of them is right?? if you still want to find a way through the christian paradigm, we can still do that! who's the sole inspiration for the christian religion?? hmmm, oh ya, jesus! would we not take his teachings and words as top priority as how to navigate through 'morals and ethics'? the new testament is christianity, the old testament is jewish, jesus has DONE away with the old testament through several examples, and guess what? the new testament is not anti-gay. many will argue other-wise, but if you really research, it's not anti-gay or anti-trans! the old testament might be used that way, but alas as christians, we're not supposed to go by that! even if they tried, they're still taking it out of context! the preachers and priests that use the anti-gay/trans stuff in the old testament are OUT OF CONTEXT! they just use those single versus, where if you were to read the entire chapter/passage, they don't apply to us now or specifically in general!! and the bible says it is a great sin to use it out of context to sway people! lol! jesus does say that marriage is between man and woman, but did he really define 'man' and 'woman'? he did not go into detail, but he mentions alot that we are 'spirit' first, form later... now here's a verse that no one seems to bring up...

Matthew 19:11-12

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. ¹² For there are eunuchs who were born that way, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by others—and there are those who choose to live like eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it.”

now many scholars argue about the meaning of 'eunuch', and i don't want girls here getting riled about me making this relation, but give me some slack, there is to some degree a relation to us! jesus had to use a different vocabulary, a different diction all those years ago, but i think i knew what he was trying to say. think about it, some 'who were born that way'(intersexed/transgendered), or who choose to live like eunuchs(also another very likely reference)... so jesus gives us a thumbs up and a place in heaven too! (my interpretation lol)

now to add to this rant, we'll even bring science into the arena. more and more evidence is starting to show that transgenderism/sexual orientation is actually biological! it's determined by the formation of the brain! can you control how your brain forms? of course not! that happens during the 2nd trimester, done by 'nature', ergo, god... so tell me, why would god create us 'sinners'? the LGBT branch, were we 'condemned to hell' from the get-go? that's silly, god and the universe makes no mistakes, only people do. people who are scared, ignorant, self-righteous, egotistical, who use 'the word of god' for there own psychological well-being and fear to uphold 'society's standards' which is all nonsense anyways...

so ya, hope that kinda helps somewhat, ultimately though, this is a personal journey between you and yourself to find the answers... have faith

Thanks Leela.Yes I do live in the deep south, but I have the additional handicap of being raised Mormon. My church has zero tolerance for transsexuals and if you engage in it, you will lose all church privileges. I tried telling my bishop what I have told you all, but his response was that, "You are a male spirit in a male's body. You were a male before you were born and you will be a male in the afterlife. God just made your genetics so that you THINK you are a girl." I was thinking, "lol, so then what's the difference between thinking I am a girl and actually being a girl spirit? It's the same thing to me!" He then told me, "We all have genetic urges but that doesn't mean we should act on them. Some people have a genetic tendency to be alcoholics but that doesn't mean that it's OK to drink alcohol."

But those aren't the same thing. Being a drunk is a universally negative characteristic, while being transgendered is simply a harmless cosmetic procedure.

I don't understand why God cares about your external appearance. I am not harming anybody and will continue to be a good person. Jesus didn't judge lepers or other social outcasts, so why would he judge transgendered people?

[Guest Stormrider2112]

I'm an agnostic atheist (I don't know for sure, but I don't believe in any sort of supreme being), and from my perspective, I never understood why someone would willingly remain with a group that believes that they are an inferior person or otherwise not welcome. I have nothing against religion, but I'm not a fan of organized religion. /end opinion

I understand you to be a very religious person, and you do seem to be quite noble as well, and I commend you for that. You want to remain faithful to your god while doing what you feel is needed to make yourself be what you feel you should be. All of us here understand your plight on at least some level. I really don't want to tell you how to believe (that's far too personal of an issue), but I do know that Unitarians (at least in my neck of the woods) are a very accepting group...I know Mormonism is a separate branch of the Christian family tree (I've never read the Book of Mormon, nor will I profess any knowledge of Mormonism, nor how the Old/New Testaments fit in with the faith). However, if you feel you can still devote your life to God and Jesus and be a faithful member of a church, I think you should consider converting to a different denomination (again, just my two cents of advice). I can understand why you want to remain faithful to your church, but at the same time, you should be in as supportive an environment as you can possibly get.

I'm only offering an outsider's perspective with what I would consider to be an option.

[Guest leela_anima]

Hahaha! I USED TO MORMON!!... haha small world! as i got older, i asked too many of the 'wrong' questions, and they eventually shunned me. girl, the mormon church has a LOT of holes in it's philosophy, your poor bishop has a very narrow view of the world. the mormon church is a theocratic corporation(my perspective lol) and your bishop isn't up to date on current scientific research, there is actually much evidence proving that genetics alter through life due to CHOICES! meaning that people who 'genetically inherited' alcoholism was only because their grandparents or parents loved to drink, meaning that if you chose not to drink, you could alter the family tree! your last question rings very true, with much logic and love, why would god love ya less if you chose to just present yourself different? silly society(religion)...

[Guest jdinatale]

Hahaha! I USED TO MORMON!!... haha small world! as i got older, i asked too many of the 'wrong' questions, and they eventually shunned me. girl, the mormon church has a LOT of holes in it's philosophy, your poor bishop has a very narrow view of the world. the mormon church is a theocratic corporation(my perspective lol) and your bishop isn't up to date on current scientific research, there is actually much evidence proving that genetics alter through life due to CHOICES! meaning that people who 'genetically inherited' alcoholism was only because their grandparents or parents loved to drink, meaning that if you chose not to drink, you could alter the family tree! your last question rings very true, with much logic and love, why would god love ya less if you chose to just present yourself different? silly society(religion)...

no wayyyyy. You were mormon too? Get out, that's crazy lol. I'm so glad to hear that because it means you know exactly what I'm going through. I do have some questions though...

-were you born and raised mormon, or a convert?

-were you ever really devoted?

-what age did you quit?

I have also asked a bunch of unanswered questions to my leaders, only to be disappointed when no one has an answer other than to "pray and have faith."

Up until 15, I was a hardcore believer in the church, but then once I started studying world history and my brain started maturing and using logic, I realized that there were a lot of holes, as you put it, in the church's view. Like some of the stories in the Book of Mormon just could not have happened. It's like that for a bunch of things. I still go to church every sunday, but really only because I live at home still and it's tradition.

As of right now, I do not believe that there is a God, BUT I am not opposed to discovering that there is one, if that makes sense.

How did you discover your current faith, are you still Christian, or w/e?

[Guest leela_anima]

i was born and raised mormon in mormonville usa(utah). i used to be the golden child of my church and was zealous. then i started to mature and grow mentally(as you have stated about studying, also same age, 15)

and you're right, much of the book of mormon could not have happened, history wouldn't be real otherwise lol. here's an interesting thought, according to the mormon church, native americans are really the descendants of lamanites, which they have publicly stated, so in otherwords native americans should technically have jewish genes as descendants of lehi who was jewish. so a mormon bishop who was also a genetic specialist did this huge long project to prove the church right by hunting down pure-blooded indians and got samples from all the various tribes. ya know what he found? not a single trace of jewish blood anywhere, they were descendants from the chinese!! lol! the poor guy got excommunicated from the church after telling the church about that, so ya.... that's the mormon church for ya. research the history of the church, 'outside' church history, you'll see a lot of holes in their history, many factors that don't add up. if there are any other members of the lds church reading this, sorry if i offend but i'm just stating what i've found. so ya....

as for me currently, i found my answers through science... science(quantum physics) have proven to me that there is an intelligent design to the universe, it's much deeper then that but if you want to know more indepth about some really really interesting stuff concerning life and religion, pm me about it

[Guest jdinatale]

I'm almost 1 week into HRT and I'm experience great trepidation. I fall into an atypical category in the transgender spectrum: I self identify as having autogynephilia (AGP). Some may dismiss that AGP exists and that the the guy who coined the term is whack. The word certainly fits me in every way, so I will continue to use it.

AGP means that I get sexually aroused by imagining myself as a woman. Ever since my earliest memories, I would fantasize about becoming a woman and enjoyed wearing women's clothes. In kindergarten during nap time, I would day dream about turning into a woman. Women's clothings and cosmetics REALLY excites me.

As I got older, I never developed sexual feelings towards women (or men). I am romantically and emotionally attracted to women. However, the only thing that has ever sexually aroused me has been AGP thoughts or wearing women's clothes.

It has gotten so severe and disruptive in my life that I decided to transition because it would be the only way I could ever be at peace. I was tired of living in a secret fantasy land. Now here I am almost a week into HRT and I'm very scared. Scared that I could be ruining my life. You see, there is both a huge chance of reward and a huge chance of failure. My life is now split into 4 branches and I do not know which way I am heading:

Branch 1: jdinatale transitions and everything is wonderful and all that he has dreamed of since he was 2. If this is the case, then the gamble pays off immensely.

Branch 2: jdinatale transitions and the cost outweighs the benefit. What if I transition, and while I'm sexually satisfied, the other aspects of my life are destroyed. If this happens, I miss out on: being a husband, having an prosperous career as a businessman, I lose my birth family (they told me they would never see me again).

Branch 3: jdinatale does not transition and lives a relatively happy life. He tries to do the same old thing he has always done, which is to suck it up and endure. He marries, and while he would have a loving wife and family, a dream job, a dream house, and externally happy, he would never be sexually fulfilled.

Branch 4: jdinatale does not transition and lives a regretful miserable life. This jdinatale tries to suck it up as a man and doesn't transition. Then at 30 he realizes that he probably should have transitioned at 20. So he sucks it up again. But then at 40/50, he has a full collapse because of something he should have done 20-30 years ago.

So which branch will jdinatale's life take? This is really, really killing me. Any of the 4 are real possibilities I suppose the best compromise would be to try it now and I can always go back to being a man later. At least then I wouldn't have the "What if's" regrets

[Guest Kelly-087]

I just have t wish you luck Jdinatale. And I hope I'm not far behind you. Earlier I was going through a brief dysphoric phase. I hadn't experienced it in awhile, so shall we say it was fairly violent. I was scared that the person inside of me might never come out, I never go anywhere in life, I never become happy, ect. I just remembered that sometimes I need to shove it back in it's cage and just press on.. (This is hard, and sometimes even after days I can't. It becomes apparent, people start asking me, "What's wrong?" )

Anyways.. Im looking to at least get in with a GT by the end of the month. And hopefully get a refferal letter in the next few.

[Guest Svenna]

jdinatale,

I remember feeling much like you do back when I first started HRT too. I had also enjoyed many, many, many days of sexual pleasure while dressing en femme, imagining myself to be female and in female sexual situations. It provided the most intense orgasmic experiences I had ever known. It was very private and personal 'me' time, but it always had to end...

When I started HRT, some strange things began to happen. At first, I was very excited by the fresh feelings and sensations I was experiencing, and my early boob growth sparked a few weeks of intense exploration, so to speak..lol...

BUT....always a 'but'....

But, by about 3 or 4 weeks into HRT, I stopped feeling like I 'needed' to dress en femme to enjoy my femaleness. I felt truly female and I was less inclined to use clothing or accessories to accompany my 'explorations' any more. By week 5 or 6, I had new A cup boobies poking outta my shirt, but the urge to self-gratify had all but disappeared. I finally broke free of that 'monkey in a cage' sort of fanatical relief-seeking. After 8 weeks of HRT, I am really not very interested in my old 'fantasy' at all any more. Why should I be? I am no longer pretending to be a woman, I am living, breathing and experiencing almost everything in my life through a woman's mind and eye now...

My point is this: Once you are on HRT, much of what you imagine and/or fear will dissolve into meaninglessness. I am so darn glad to be free of that compulsive behavior, though it did serve a purpose in the past, even if it wasn't especially efficient, lol...

These days, I only long for real-life intimacy. I am finally human again, no longer a 'monkey in a cage', and now I can build the relationship that I only once dreamed of having with my spouse. Things are better for me all the way around on HRT, now that I have accepted the inevitable...

Best of luck with your efforts to go forward...

Love, Svenna

[Guest kelise]

jdinatale, I hate to be discouraging, but some of your posts set off red flags for me. I really suggest you discuss these things in-depth with your GT before going full-time. Satisfying your sexual urges is NOT a good reason to transition, at least not fully. If the only things that draw you to womanhood are purely sexual in nature, I cannot see this working out for you. Big red flag: you referred to yourself as "he" in your last post, even in your "ideal" branch in which you transition and are happy. I don't know if that's a Freudian slip or not, but if it is, that tells me that deep down you don't actually see a woman. Please talk about these things with your GT.

[Guest jdinatale]

jdinatale, I hate to be discouraging, but some of your posts set off red flags for me. I really suggest you discuss these things in-depth with your GT before going full-time. Satisfying your sexual urges is NOT a good reason to transition, at least not fully. If the only things that draw you to womanhood are purely sexual in nature, I cannot see this working out for you. Big red flag: you referred to yourself as "he" in your last post, even in your "ideal" branch in which you transition and are happy. I don't know if that's a Freudian slip or not, but if it is, that tells me that deep down you don't actually see a woman. Please talk about these things with your GT.

I am forced, as in not by choice, to live in guy mode for the next year and a half, despite being on HRT. I referred to myself as he because I have been doing so for 20 years. I will discuss these things in therapy, thank you.

jdinatale,

I remember feeling much like you do back when I first started HRT too. I had also enjoyed many, many, many days of sexual pleasure while dressing en femme, imagining myself to be female and in female sexual situations. It provided the most intense orgasmic experiences I had ever known. It was very private and personal 'me' time, but it always had to end...

When I started HRT, some strange things began to happen. At first, I was very excited by the fresh feelings and sensations I was experiencing, and my early boob growth sparked a few weeks of intense exploration, so to speak..lol...

BUT....always a 'but'....

But, by about 3 or 4 weeks into HRT, I stopped feeling like I 'needed' to dress en femme to enjoy my femaleness. I felt truly female and I was less inclined to use clothing or accessories to accompany my 'explorations' any more. By week 5 or 6, I had new A cup boobies poking outta my shirt, but the urge to self-gratify had all but disappeared. I finally broke free of that 'monkey in a cage' sort of fanatical relief-seeking. After 8 weeks of HRT, I am really not very interested in my old 'fantasy' at all any more. Why should I be? I am no longer pretending to be a woman, I am living, breathing and experiencing almost everything in my life through a woman's mind and eye now...

My point is this: Once you are on HRT, much of what you imagine and/or fear will dissolve into meaninglessness. I am so darn glad to be free of that compulsive behavior, though it did serve a purpose in the past, even if it wasn't especially efficient, lol...

These days, I only long for real-life intimacy. I am finally human again, no longer a 'monkey in a cage', and now I can build the relationship that I only once dreamed of having with my spouse. Things are better for me all the way around on HRT, now that I have accepted the inevitable...

Best of luck with your efforts to go forward...

Love, Svenna

jdinatale, I hate to be discouraging, but some of your posts set off red flags for me. I really suggest you discuss these things in-depth with your GT before going full-time. Satisfying your sexual urges is NOT a good reason to transition, at least not fully. If the only things that draw you to womanhood are purely sexual in nature, I cannot see this working out for you. Big red flag: you referred to yourself as "he" in your last post, even in your "ideal" branch in which you transition and are happy. I don't know if that's a Freudian slip or not, but if it is, that tells me that deep down you don't actually see a woman. Please talk about these things with your GT.

YES. You sound just like me then, those are my experiences exactly. I'm so glad that you responded. Since a large part of yours was sexual and compulsive (as is mine), did transitioning end up being the right solution for you? Please elaborate on if transitioning was the answer for your particular set of conditions. I noticed that your profile says female, so I am assuming that you transitioned? Do you feel that transitoning is the right choice for individuals like ourself who are largely driven by sexual compulsions?

[Guest Svenna]

jdinatale,

I have not fully transitiioned yet and I may find peace somewhere short of a full transition, though I am not opposed to it in principle. I identify as female because I am female, though my genitalia still appears male, for certain, lol..

I don't think that having a large sexual component to pre-HRT fantasy life is a certain deal-breaker for transition. There can be many overlapping issues involved with being trans, and not everybody has the same degree of sexual tension to cope with, whether trans or not. But it is important to realize that some folks that are not trans may be mistakenly drawn to HRT and transition due to the powerful feelings they have been experiencing, perhaps for many years.

Though I had been compulsive about fantasy-gratification in the past, my gender therapist helped me to see that this wasn't ever the center of my trans experience, but just a sort of side effect from being a deeply sexual person with a set of hyperactive testes driving my behavior. Once my testes shrunk to half-size (now 'normal' male size) my urges relented and I began to get some real sleep! lol...

If I were not trans, and only an autogynephilliac (not that there is anything wrong with it), I would be devastated that my 'female' fantasy is now over and my highly-charged self-gratification practices are no longer needed. But I am not devastated, I am relieved!

I cannot say what is right or wrong for anybody, nor whether or not they should transition. What I can say is that not everybody with a well-developed female fantasy sexuality will be happy after HRT, but having such a fantasy life is no proof that one isn't actually trans, either. This is an area of specifics that may be best sorted out for any given individual with their gender therapist if one wants to be absolutely certain...

That said, HRT has given me the peace I have sought for decades. I am willing to forfeit anything less satisfying

in order to prosper. I may not be sexually 'active' at the moment, but I am content in my being and patiently working toward building the kind of relationship with my spouse that will also lead to full intimacy once again. I actually feel like a 'normal' woman now, albeit with some mis-matched plumbing, but a woman nevertheless...

Your mileage may vary, lol, as they say, but the only way forward is, well, by going forward. I see you have a bit of a wait before HRT is possible for you, and I have no advice as to how to pass the time. I know how I passed the time waiting for HRT, lol, like a 'monkey in a cage', lol...hopefully, you will find relief at some point, too! lol..

Good luck sorting out these often contradictory feelings and sensations. It is complicated and daunting, but it is not forever nor without reward to take the journey...

Peace to you...

Love, Svenna

[Guest Kelly-087]

jdinatale, I hate to be discouraging, but some of your posts set off red flags for me. I really suggest you discuss these things in-depth with your GT before going full-time. Satisfying your sexual urges is NOT a good reason to transition, at least not fully. If the only things that draw you to womanhood are purely sexual in nature, I cannot see this working out for you. Big red flag: you referred to yourself as "he" in your last post, even in your "ideal" branch in which you transition and are happy. I don't know if that's a Freudian slip or not, but if it is, that tells me that deep down you don't actually see a woman. Please talk about these things with your GT.

I get what you're saying.. and I do have a separate question, however related..

It took my a little while to think of myself in the feminine.. (However I do now..). Is that normal? I sometimes go to introduce myself as Kelly(and fortunately stop) , even though I'm not an HRT and I've never even tried female mode (yet). I'm still looking into a GT at least a little bit before HRT myself. (Sorry if this is distracting from the topic.)

[Guest Maia42]

I cant add to anything now that I read the rest of the posts and see your on hormones, but I do want to comment on the last sentence of your very first post.

"Plus I'm under the additional pressure of knowing that I would be directly responsible for my mom having a nervous breakdown and being suicidal (she told me so)."

Nonsense! People are responsible for their reactions. End of story.

[Guest Leah1026]

I self identify as having autogynephilia (AGP). Some may dismiss that AGP exists and that the the guy who coined the term is whack. The word certainly fits me in every way, so I will continue to use it.

AGP means that I get sexually aroused by imagining myself as a woman.

Well guess what? A couple years ago somebody did a study about that. Only instead of using genetic males, they used natal females. Would you care to know the results? I tease. Here's the key line from their summary:

By the common definition of ever having erotic arousal to the thought or image of oneself as a woman, 93% of the respondents would be classified as autogynephilic.

Did you catch that? Using the same criteria they use on transsexual women, they found that 93% of natal women would be considered AGP. So you're in good company.

If you're interested in reading the actual study, here's the link:

http://home.netcom.com/~docx2/AGF.htm

There is nothing wrong with a woman feeling sexy about herself.