I demand brutal honesty

[Guest wolfySH]

ignoring how rubbish my hair looks.

I've been too depressed to shower the past few days.

I didn't know whether to put this in the suicide section or not, but it is passing related I guess, and there is a photograph...

I was dating a questionably great guy when I told him I wanted to start T, so he dumped me.

Not that he ever saw me as a guy anyway, which bothered me, but...

could anyone really?

I'm so lonely.

I'd give anything to feel close to somebody, but I can't help but feel like I scare everyone away.

Is it something about my looks?

I never thought I was horrible looking, but I've been wrong before.

A month or so ago I told one of my not-so-close-friends that I was trans and after the rather flattering dialogue about how he couldn't tell my gender when he first met me-- he then proceeded to ask me how long I'd been living as a woman and was I thinking of starting Estrogen. lolerskates.

I told him that I thought he might be a little confused.

But I don't know whether or not he was just saying that to get in my pants.

Not that he'd have to.

Even though he's a good deal older than me and of questionable morals and looks as well...

Anyway.

I hate this.

I want to be able to feel close to someone and be intimate with them, but I'm so scared that I'll drive them away with one aspect of myself or another, not to mention I loathe most people...

Am I going to die alone? ._.

If so, I'd just like to get it over with already, thank you very much.

[Guest John Chiv]

Sirius,

Depressions seriously affects our perception and so it does not matter what I say or anyone says right now, what you may hear will be filtered through the hurt and pain. I did not want to ignore your post.

Someone else may chose to but I am not going to respond to your questions because you need to get away right now from thinking about transition and relationships because the obsession with it is causing you harm.

Do you have friends you can call or hang out with right now? If not, are you registered for our chat forums? Call 1-800-SUICIDE.

When you are not so depressed and safe, think if you still feel the same. I am sorry you are hurting right now.

John

[Guest ~Brenda~]

Dear child,

Your pain is immediate and real and in your face, but it will not last. I came to your post assuming that you need assessment of passing. I have come to realize that you need much more reassurance than that. I will tell you this Sirius, always know that your life is important. Who you are is important. Being put down by others only diminishes them, not you.

Love that fades away is not love. Let those feelings go too. You will find your true love and yourself.

For now, accept my simple hug..

(((HUGGGSSS)))

Brenda

[Guest Juniper Blue]

Dear Sirius,

I am sorry to read that you are hurting and feeling so very depressed. You look very much like average teenagers and young adults that live in Southern California, especially L.A. In fact, here you would probably be considered cool.

When I was young, I thought that I woudl always be alone. I never imagined that anyone would love me just as I am. It took me a while to "find myself" and to be comfortable being who I am. I spent some years alone exploring my interests in art, music and education. As I grew more confident, I became more of a leader in my community. I began to draw true friends into my life. Eventually, in my early 30's, I met the love of my life. I have finally found a perfect partner ... a beautiful, intelligent , kind-hearted and absolutely amazing person with whom I am sharing my life.

I don't have all the answers ... but keep reaching out .... keep being true to yourself, develop your interests, seek higher education and I do believe that doors will open in your life.

Best to You,

- JB

[JJ]

Sirius

The truth is until we accept ourselves we really don't accept people being too close to us. We drive them away in a hundred subtle ways. It has noting at all to do with appearance.

And we chose those who are bad for us and will in the end validate our low self concept. Kind of a vicious circle because the more we make those bad choisces the more we feel we deserve what we get.

No one but you can give you the love you are seeking right now. But it won't always be this way. You can decide to be who and what you want to be. You can decide to care about yourself. And work to make yourself what you need to be.. Which makes it also devastatingly hard.

Knowing it can be done and you can do it is a real burden as much as a real gift. Because it makes it all your responsibility. No excuses. No one to make it better and do it for you if you don't. We can be here-we will be. We can care-we do. But we can't give you what you need. -only you can do that. Then you will be amazed at how much love and caring there is for you in the world.

You can have a good life and you can find someone to share your life. It's really up to you. Because there is nothing wrong with you-except how you feel about yourself.

Johnny

[Guest Inverse]

Well, not to sound mean~ but, can someone also help answer her question?

Dude, seriously~ you definitely pass as a guy, but keep in mind~ you're also very eccentric, exciting.

Most people aren't. Most people, are boring as hell. They look at you, and yeah~ of course they're scared, your looks imply that you're not. Even though you could be, most people are cowards and your dominant appearance can make people shiver in their own self-doubt. Has nothing to do with you, honestly it's their fault, but that's just how people are.

Depending on where you are, and how used to such eccentric looks on an average basis~ it can be tricky finding others willing to even accept you on a superficial level, because people~ are really freaking superficial. It's kind of pathetic on their part, but that's how people are sometimes.

I tell you what, if you were in Portland, OR~ where I'm at? You'd simply look like a very pretty guy, and there's tons of them (lucky me~ <3). This is such a transfriendly city and state. You have to worry about when it comes to looks. Know the world, is a big, big place~ and sometimes it's hard to see what's just around the corner. Don't give up, k? <3