AUGGGGH - Transsexual

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Part of a letter to another Transsexual friend:

"Personally? Being born transsexual is a horrible thing. I would never wish it on anyone. But its what we are, how we had to spend this lifetime. I really feel, in a way, my lfe was stolen from me, because I am supposed to be female, and I missed out because playacting male was not that great as I never fit in. Oh well - we have had quite the 'grand adventure' as the Brits might term it."

How universal are these feeling? I remember three years ago quite a lot of discussion on being "gender gifted." Well, i don't know. I sometimes write "Being transsexual SUX" or something like that.

Maybe it is - maybe it isn't - good, being like we are.

Opinions are welcome? {lizze cringes]

[Guest SaleneAlexis]

I think it is a blessing really, sure there are hard times and to a point we may think it sucks. But all of us have something that not many others do, to see the world through our eyes. No Cis-gender can ever say that. I know I maybe appearing all fluffy bunny and all, but it is true.

Stephanie

[Guest Robin Winter]

On one level, I agree with you, but I can't help wondering how I would have grown had I been born in a girls body from the start. I have the added benefit of having 3 sisters, so I know more or less how the women of my family dealt with things and how their lives have played out. Frankly, I think I'm better off than any of them. None of them have ever had a stable relationship, a stable job, two have been on assistance programs (not that I have a problem with those programs, but I feel my sisters could have avoided it)and they both act like the world and eveyone in it owes them something, they treat my mother like dirt, they didn't do well in school (well, my youngest sister did well in grade school, but she had a slightly more supportive family life having a different father). I had pretty much the same upbringing, but I think being in this position has tempered my personality somewhat. I'm still not perfect, I have my problems just like anyone, but I also have a level of respect for others that they don't have. I think when someone hurts as much as we do, you either become more compassionate and empathetic, or..well, the opposite. Thankfully I was not the latter.

[Guest Amberley_Vail]

I can sympathise. I look at myself just now and see missed teenage years where I could have been discovering things completely anew. I suppose its kinda nice that I can now re-explore a new side to me, but Ill always have a male point of reference.

How this pans out... we'll see.

[JJ]

For me the bottom line is that I will never know. It's been a hard life but there is no way to know what it would have been or who I would have been had I been cis. My handsome, highly gifted bio father died at 48 picking fruit as a migrant laborer in spite of winning a full scholarship to a university for his poetry at 18 and being an amazingly gifted artist with an IQ then considered too high to accurately measure. So maybe with my lesser gifts I would have shared a similar fate. Maybe being trans made me strong as he never was.

I'll never know. I don't lament for what never was because I can't be sure. I can say I wish my life had been this or that, we all do that cis or trans but to really ever lament that it was as it was not.

Besides I have too much to cram into the time I have left to worry about what I missed. I'll leave that till I'm dead. Maybe then I'll be rejoicing instead but will at least know.

Johnny

[Carolyn Marie]

Lizzy, this is a worthwhile thread, for sure.

Looking back on my life, I can imagine how it might have been had I been born a girl. I have tried very, very had to put my regrets behind me and deal with the hand I've been dealt. Regrets get you nowhere except into a bad place. But imagination does play tricks now and again, and I think about what it might have been like to be married to a man and have lived a different life. *sigh*

On the other hand, my life has been satisfying in so many other ways. I have a wife who loves me, a wonderful son, and a very interesting career. My life since coming out has been incredibly fun and rewarding. Finally, if not for being trans, I would never have come here and met all of you, and made my contribution to this place.

So, yes, being transsexual sux. But I'll take the good with the bad, and call it even.

HUGS

Carolyn Marie

[Guest NatashaJade]

Given the choice, I'd choose not to be a trans woman. I'll go one further and say that I would have chosen my life as a man. But that comes of the presence of my spouse and my children. Absent them, I would choose the opposite.

But there's no choice in this really. We are and we suffer and we make the best of out lives as we can. It is my lot to be a trans woman, so I am not going to let it stand in the way of being the best person I can be. Lemonade from lemons and all that.

I've already raged at the universe for cursing me with this. I'm done with that and now I'm mostly at peace with the me I am and am becoming. I'm a better person for my struggles.

xoxo

[Guest KimberlyF]

It's like being diabetic. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, and I don't see a plus side, but it is treatable, though different people have it worse than others.

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

I guess that some of it depends on the resources available and place in life.....

If one has a job and family, I guess that would take the edge off a bit...

But, if one has been rejected by family and is living on the streets.....well, they may have a different perspective....

I talked to God the other day and told them that my next time around....please make me all male or all female...

But, please never stick me in the middle again!

KTHx......

Dee Jay

[~Nova~]

It's a curse of unbearable magnitude. I'll never stop and I'll take the weight on my shoulders because my only other option is death, and I'm not ready to die. I have found some happiness and had some really great times, times I would never have had the chance to have as a man, but the whispers, the hate, the cruelty is unbearable at times.

I posted the question of when I should tell a guy I wanna date that I'm trans on another message board. The answers were honest, but heartbreaking. We have almost no chance of finding a mate other than another trans or a trans chaser. We have almost no chance of ever being truly accepted and I "pass" amazingly well, almost to well. I'll give you the link in PM if you're interested. Bring tissues if you go.

Would I do it again, yes, I don't have a choice. I didn't then and I don't now. My choice was kill myself, or transition.

All those girls and guys behind me, do it, but know that we are always gonna be "transgender"

[Guest Shari]

I wouldn't wish this for anybody. The years of isolation, of not fitting in and constant playacting have really sucked. So here I am, in the middle, more isolated and lonely than I was before. I didn't think it was possible.

For me, there is only one way forward but after spending the last 90 minutes crying again, I'm not so sure I can make it. I'm not as strong as a lot of you and lately I just don't know what to do. I don't fit in anywhere, not even with my support group and sometimes, not here either. Having started to transition and accept myself has only meant that the reality of my empty life has pushed aside the dream of a better one. I am sorry that I can't romanticize the plight of transsexuals with catchy phrases and exagerated benefits.

My life is best described as being a shadow, transparent and poorly defined, that disappears in the light.

Shari

[Guest Nicole163]

All about perception...

So you find a penny on the ground, face up...that means good luck right? Well, you walk further on your path and find one face down, hmm bad luck? Not at all, you have another penny in your pocket.

<3

Nikki

[JJ]

Shari,

I was there and not so long ago. I think that middle ground of transition is the hardest thing I ever faced in my life. Maybe because we even lose all we had of ourselves in the outer world before we realize the new life.

But I promise you that it does pass and one day the light does come back. But this time it is the real you and a new comfort that you just can't believe now. At least it has been so for me.

I wrote elsewhere that I woke the other morning and in those twilight moments repeated that phrase "I don't know if I can do this" to myself. Only to realize that I had! I pass 100% now. And it went from very little, to some, to suddenly completely. I can now put together the life I tore apart to make this happen. Put it together right this time. I do belong. The funny thing is that it was when I began to see this body as male-anatomically challenged as I say-but male. Male hands and feet and all that everyone else began to see it too. It was like crossing some great divide. (Much better on the other side too. ) Maybe that was coincidence, maybe not. Probably not.

Hang on. Just hang on and hold tight to all you have read here about the fact that these days pass and it IS worth it once they do.

You will belong and you will have a life. That is in your control and it will happen

Meanwhile we are here. We've been there and we care. Very much

Johnny

[Guest Elizabeth K]

I pass 100% as well. I look in the mirror or a reflection in a window, and there looking at me is a woman. THAT is what keeps me going,the fact that I am succeeding, have succeeded. Maybe it's not totally complete yet, but it's happened - so I feel I will really get to the 80-90% I always wished I could achieve. I am me, any way you look at it, I am me at last.

Transsexual? Auggggh - it would be best to have been born in the right body! BUT it took me 64 years just to get to this point, and really? I thank the Goddess that She let me finish my life happy.

BUT

Being transsexual still SUX! I won't do it in my future lives!

Lizzie

[Guest Juniper Blue]

I've had a kind of a rough life up until the past 10 years ... pretty bad stuff .. like really bad stuff has happened to me ... one of the worst things was an assault that I survived that caused permanent brain damage ... I have gone through a lot of "what would have my life of been like if only" Blah Blah Blah. Once I was using some self-deprecating humor in response to a memory "glitch" that embarrassed me and I said something like "Thank Gawd, I had have not had any more head injuries, the last one left me with short term memory loss .. one more and .. " and just then, a young women interjected " one more and you would be AMAAAAAAAAAAAAZING!!"

Well ... I think we are all pretty AMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZING !!!

I don't know what my life would have been like with a different script ... but I am making this one work and the story-line is getting much better as I go. It helps that now, I get to write much of it.

Hugs,

JB

[Guest Juniper Blue]

I'm with Lizzie .. next life, I woudl like something a little more ... Hmmmm ... well ... maybe something just a little less controversial.

[Guest Kael147]

Hey Everyone,

Interesting topic. If I could chose, I would chose to fit in. To have been born into a white, middle class, straight, male body (I was born poor, metis, female, lesbian/trans). I'm not racist, classist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic or any other ism, ists, or phobics (maybe a bit claustrophobic, but not what we're talking about), but my whole life I have felt like I'm on the outside looking in. I'm probably delusional, but these guys that I've described seem to have the life I'd like to be living. I know, I know - everyone has issues, but on the whole of things, I think they can have a pretty darn fine life.

On the other hand, in terms of spice of life, I can't say mine has been boring. Of course, some of the boring certainly has not always been positive! I'm pretty happy with my life today and I'm hoping as my journey continues and I begin to live my life fully as a man, that the challenges are no where as bad as I fear. I firmly believe that no one can hurt me anymore, I know who I am. This is a huge revelation and accepting myself is the best gift I could ever receive because it means freedom from shame. Shame that has driven me to many a dark place and to doing some pretty despicable things over the years. I can hold my head up and walk in my own skin for the first time ever.

People are going to talk about me and "frankly my dear I don't give a ...". One life, one life to live happy, and there ain't nothing or nobody who can take that away! I'm grateful and blessed and yes, I'd change it if I could, but only to have avoided the pain.

My thoughts for today (I may change my opinion tomorrow, but that's my perogative)!

Kael

[Guest ValerieD]

I really feel, in a way, my lfe was stolen from me, because I am supposed to be female, and I missed out because playacting male was not that great as I never fit in.

I feel the same way. Though I do feel that I have a unique perspective of the world, I've missed out on so much of life!

[Guest Leah1026]

It is what it is.

You can sit there and cry and complain OR you can make the best of it.

To me it isn't that transsexualism sucks as much as how IGNORANT other people are.

The pain in my life is finding out how many in my family are amazingly IGNORANT.

Whoever said human beings are intelligent animals was wrong. Only a few are, the rest are IGNORANT.

Despite that I've made a good life for myself. I have a fulfilling career helping take care of people. I also have some family members and many friends who love me for the person I am. Do I wish things could've been different? Well of course, but all in all I've had a pretty incredible life. And I still have many adventures to go before I sleep.

[Guest Krisina]

Transsexual. Not wanting to wish this on anyone I agree. Not a blessing. Not a gift. I don't believe it was some sort of test or a trial to learn something. If these sort of things were a lesson then it is I am messed up and things didn't work out right. It's a screw up, wrong plumbing, defect of nature.

It has ruined any sex life I could have had for my long life. It has ruined it for my mate. Ruined so many things, not the right fuel for the brain. I haven't had the body right for me and I haven't been able to live the life the way I want without dealing with ignorance judgement and consequences.

Ideally I would wake up in the right body and a beautiful one at that.

Krisina

[Cyndee]

I enjoyed reading everyone's comments in this thread this morning,

For me trans was always a dark secret, I just had to deal with it and got on with life. I have no regrets for the life I was given, I relish the past, and can honestly say I have had a guardian angel looking over my shoulder, there have been so many things that could have gone wrong, but did'nt. I make the most of my life today, and have a wonderful family for which I am very grateful for. In this era I have found ways to express myself never imagined, I am fufilling a total life experience, living life to it's maximum potential. I dream about having a complete female body, perhaps in my next life or heaven if it be.

Cindy -

[Sally]

While I agree wholeheartedly that I would not wish this on anyone the fact is that these were the cards that we were dealt, it is entirely up to us how we play them, if we decide to fold or even kick the table over.

To those with the ability to communicate with the dead it must seem a curse while to others that ability would seem a great gift to be able to talk to their ancestors.

You can see it as a curse and wish for the childhood that you should have had but there are no guarantees of an idyllic childhood in either gender or you can see it as a gift because you have viewed the world from two very exclusive private clubs.

The simple fact is what is is exactly what it is and what is past is past so you can be ever remorseful for what you have missed or ever thrilled by what you did have - your choice.

I had a childhood that wasn't so bad, learned to play the trumpet and take pictures - those two skills have sent me around the world, I am now pretty happy with myself and I can look back without the pain and regrets that I felt at the beginning of my transition - I was a pretty nice guy and that has translated into me being a pretty nice woman.

Love ya,

Sally

[Guest NatashaJade]

Now here's the thing. If I weren't a trans woman, I would have missed out on meeting a lot of awesome people. I have an incredible friend because of this and then there's all of you folks, who I value immensely.

Always look on the bright side of life!

xoxo

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Kael

Metis - I had to look it up! Interesting. I am 1/4 Melungeon, a group considered Native American Indian, but historically not accepted by Native Americans, Whites or African Americans. We are mixed blood - Great Lakes lower migration Iroquois, Portuguese, and escaped black slaves, all interbreeding, all who hid away from civilization by farming in the valleys but living on almost inaccessible ridges and tops in the Appalachian Mountains. . Called the Blue-eyed Indians, and Ridgerunners - related to the Redbones, my Jinkins family migrated to East Tennessee, to the boot heel of Missouri, then Upper Arkansas, and finally Indian Territory Oklahoma by 1890, where we married into the by then mixed blood Cherokee(all those locations), so I have that too. The Portuguese were from an abandoned Spanish Territory Fort in Surry County - the Forks of the Yadkin River, 1700's - Spain would force Portuguese political prisoners to serve in Spanish America. I have the features and body type of a Native American which helps me in transitioning (no beard, no body hair, no male balding, high cheek bones - Native American Spirituality) - we are Twelgoins

So 'white' isn't always a plus factor.

Lizzie

[Guest Mia J]

Maybe someday with enough understanding in the world it can become gender blessed. Having lived with it in this society I would never wish it on someone else. I do feel that I was born this way for a purpose and it helped shape who I am as a human.

Mia