Importance Of A Name Change

[Guest J-Walker]

Hey guys. Been a while since I've posted here, but I'm assuming that's a good thing. (;

I've recently been getting into fights with my mother over changing my name. She kindly offered at the beginning of the year to let me take a year off from college in order to transistion so I could go into the world as a male. I've been visiting doctors and surgeons and right now I should be starting T as well as getting chest surgery in November. However, getting my name changed has not been at the top of my priorities list, as right now I'm using my life's savings to afford my physical changes. To her the legal name change is more important, but I'd rather wait until I have changed physically.

This wouldn't really be a problem if she wasn't so concerned with it. We went out to dinner last night where she basically cornered me and said something along the lines of "I'm letting you stay with me so you can transistion. Under any other circumstances I'd be making you pay rent and working hard. I don't care if you change your body. Why would that make you more male than changing your name? And if you're not going to do any of that then you can stay Megan but you're going to pay me rent".

The thing I hate the most is that we go to all of these doctor's appointments and she asks them questions that I could have told her. She's obviously done no research herself and apparently to her if I don't change my name right away I'm not really transistioning. It is something I want to do but it's not at the list of my priorities right now.

I tried to explain this to my father who said that she was making complete sense. Now if I wasn't going to doctors for testosterone and chest surgery and spending every penny of my income, which I currently still can't afford yet, I might agree that I was being a lazy bum. She's the one who offered to take me in though. I didn't just come to her and ask if I could live with her while I worked every day. So I'm just REALLY upset with them and the increasing threats of rent payment if I don't get my name changed. Obviously I'm going to get my name changed, and I'll probably go to the court tomorrow to give them the form, but I doubt I'll receive any contact on it for some time.

All I'd like to know is, from the standpoint of people who understand this process, is if she is being rational or not. Should I focus on getting my name changed before surgery or should I continue my own path? Or does it really not matter like I currently think?

Appreciate any input,

Charlie

[Guest harvester52]

Your mom has a very valid point -- in my opinion. I pass 100%, everybody around me knows me as a guy, but I'm stuck with a legal name that gets me in trouble. I've had my debit card picked up at a restaurant because they thought I stole it. I almost couldn't get my driver's permit because they thought I was a guy trying to pose as _legalname_. And it's embarrassing when I have to use my debit card or show ID that has a female name on it. Trust me, changing the name will ease up a lot of stress off your shoulders.

[Guest Evan_J]

On the one hand I can definately feel how you're feeling because funds are reeeal tight for me so I have to be careful of every thing I opt to do in transitioning timewise. Meaning, I may have every intention of doing "X" yet need to do it after Y and Z so that I can get ahead in the larger picture blah, blah, -sounds like you're in the same boat. ON THE OTHER HAND, Harvester points out some really valid issues if the question of your identity is going to come into play. Is/are there some legalish/technical issues your folks have in mind that is spurring their sense of urgency? Maybe they have thought of something or know of some factor that's at the source. You should ask them, more as allies than opponents, if thats so and what that issue/fact is. Beyond that, I can tell you that (and you might have already experienced it from your gender therapist -I have and so have several other guys who share that therapist) therapists tend to want you to do the name change pretty soon. Typically hawking you about it before T. I think that they see it as a measure of commitment. Also from a standards of care viewpoint its required before they can give you a start date for your RLT. In essence if one of the surgeries you're saving for is a meta or any other bottom surgery you can't get a referal letter for it until you do your year and you will not be clocked as starting that year until you have that name change. That being the case the money is not of use to you without it. Talk to your folks and let them know you're realizing that yes the name change is important and how stressed you really feel (that its making you afraid you won't transition if you spend a dime is what I'm gathering) and maybe they'll spring for the name change or at least go in half you never know. Either way (and when you don't have it I know it seems like a million dollars) name changes (at least in my state, check yours) run about 250- 275 start to finish, that includes the paper posting.

[Guest Huff]

name changes in Washington state are only $100 and I got a court date within two weeks of turning in my paperwork. Honestly, it was the easiest part of this whole process... and it really felt like my new beginning. We actually did a native american-style naming ceremony later that evening with all of my friends in recovery. It was really cool. It kind of felt like having a new birthday. AND, at the same time, I still turn my head to look when some calls out my birthname (to some girl in the hallway or something) and sometimes I still find myself thinking about myself in terms of my brithname. I figure its a transformation process and that I've just been used to that name, however inappropriate, for 27 years.

anyway, good luck sorting out what comes next for you.

MK

[Guest Huff]

Your mom has a very valid point -- in my opinion. I pass 100%, everybody around me knows me as a guy, but I'm stuck with a legal name that gets me in trouble. I've had my debit card picked up at a restaurant because they thought I stole it. I almost couldn't get my driver's permit because they thought I was a guy trying to pose as _legalname_. And it's embarrassing when I have to use my debit card or show ID that has a female name on it. Trust me, changing the name will ease up a lot of stress off your shoulders.

any reason for not going ahead and doing it? what's the 'stuck' part?

[Guest harvester52]

Money. I'm jobless, and my mom has offered to pay for it, but she's completely broke right now because my folks just bought a house, but as soon as I get that money, it's off to the courthouse.

[Guest Evan_J]

name changes in Washington state are only $100 ....(snipped)

I need to move to washington state

But thats exactly why I say check your state. Even within the one I live in there's slight variation price wise county to county.

I'm pretty good with being able to adapt to the new name, but I think it comes from having played a lot of rp's lol. I was using it as a way to "live male"/interact/ let that part of me have a llife a lot of times so it was easy to identify with the names.

[Guest JayJaye]

I waited until I was on T for a month before I filed the paperwork for the name change. I've been going in order of what seems most important to me at the time. The first thing was a packer and male clothing; then binders, then T, now name change TOMORROW!!, and top surgery in Dec. Harvester has a valid point, though. I don't really pass at home due to a high lesbian population where I live; lots of butch women around here so I get pegged as butch. But I recently traveled and got SIR everywhere I went -- until I handed over my ID (rental car, hotel). Nobody said anything, but still. I really wished I'd had the name change before traveling but the time frame didn't work out.

My state charges $150 for a name change, no newspaper.

Jay

[Guest raydub]

the guys have great valid advice up on here already. going about things at your own pace is very important, but concerns with passing and being recognized as male at least by name are equally important. its a toss up. i know that for myself its becoming increasingly hard to handle personal business over the phone under my birthname -- and i dont know that some of them believe i am who i say i am at times. a compliment, that could soon become a problem when im trying to pay a bill or get new car insurance ya know?

definitely check with your state about fees. the director of this trans group i attend told me she would take me to get my name changed and all i needed to bring with me was about $10. research, research, research. i know i live in ga, and my sister did hers for about $125, but this woman has taken plenty of people downtown to get name changes before..so im going with her! i gotta talk to my s/o about it, but im going to see if i can go thursday.

Raymond

[Guest Seth]

I've decided to not change my name, because a name doesn't determine gender.

[Guest Jackson]

With my therapist and the other ftm's in this general area, it seems that you can do the hormone therapy and the name change in whichever order you're most comfortable with. I know of one young man who won't be starting hormones for a little while yet, but changed his name late last year.

I've been trying to time everything to when I really start to change physically. So my voice is changing now, top surgery will be (hopefully) next February, and my face is probably in-between. At work, darn near everyone knows now so it doesn't matter there how they view me. I don't think anyone outside my department will really start seeing me as male until I change my name and start really looking the part. For me, how people (who know me) see me and treat me is a very fluid thing. So other than telling people I've changed my name, there won't be any kind of real definitive moment in time where everything changes in my work environment.

So I'm taking the name change paperwork in on Friday. Hopefully get a court date sometime in the last couple weeks of October. Then it'll be to the DMV about gender marker changes.

I think I need a calendar.

[Guest Evan_J]

I need a calendar.

Yup, I got one. A transition calendar, just a pocket one the kind you see ladies have in their purse or whatever lol. Just enough to keep up with the shot dates and appt dates and drs and pick up this paperwork blah blah. That way I could jot in the house, car, put it inside the business planner, whatever.

[Guest Jackson]

I can't live without a date book anymore. Once upon a time it was a PDA. Then I had a nice monthly datebook free from a drug rep. Then misplaced that. So I just printed out a monthly calendar to the end of the year. For next year I've already started using a full-size calendar. I've got my whole life on these calendars. I need to use one datebook for everything. There's too much going on to have a separate business datebook, grad school datebook, hobby datebook, and then personal datebook.

Once I find out how much it is to file for a name change here in America's Dairyland, I'll let everyone know.

[Guest J-Walker]

Sorry about taking so long to get back to this post. Been really busy at work.

Mom has the urgency because she thinks if I don't apply to college as Charlie, I'll be ruining my life. Of course, I want to submit my applications as soon as possible, and I don't want to sit around and wait for my name to change legally. Besides, I'll still be marked female, so I'm already going to be experiencing problems. I'm being honest about being transgender on the application.

Perhaps the reason I'm so nonchalant about it is because my therapist hasn't said really anything to me about it. I came in with the basic "I want to look and sound like a manlyman" attitude and she didn't debate with me at all about that. She's been really great. I do whatever she suggests me to do, as I trust her, and since she hasn't said anything about a name change, I guess it's something I felt could wait.

Thanks for all of your input though, guys. Though I had intended to wait until after my surgery date to get my name changed, I'll be submitting the petition sooner. Now I just need to sell my soul for the funds. XP

Name changes in my state seem to vary county to county too. Mine is $130 but I saw one that was only $80. Though by the time I drove there and back a few times I'd be out more like $200.

[Guest CharlieRose]

Mom has the urgency because she thinks if I don't apply to college as Charlie, I'll be ruining my life. Of course, I want to submit my applications as soon as possible, and I don't want to sit around and wait for my name to change legally. Besides, I'll still be marked female, so I'm already going to be experiencing problems. I'm being honest about being transgender on the application.

This is where I have no idea what I'm going to do. Like, so far I've figured I'll just write "Boy's Name (Girl's Name)" on the spot that says to put my name, and tell them that I'm changing my name on the special part of the application where you can explain stuff. I'm writing my essay partly on being transgendered, and I guess I'll explain it in a bit more detail in the explanatory place. Say that I'll only need accomodation for housing and testosterone.

But still, I'm worried that I'll get them all confused, like my transcript will get sent to them with my girl's name on it and they'll just throw it away or something because my name isn't legally changed yet.

Or my parent's will start their spiel about how I'm never going to be able to pass in college and so I shouldn't even try. Well, they never say it that way exactly, but they worry worry WORRY about stuff that doesn't matter. Like I've told them, "Before I go to college, I need my license changed, testosterone, a binder and a packer. That's all I need to pass." I don't know what they're thinking, like, I need a masectomy or something (my chest is TINY, I pass already) to pass or get my name changed, and it's just frustrating because they don't even try to listen or find things out for themself. They want a professional's opinion, only I don't have one and I can't find one, apparently my current therapist isn't good enough but I can't find a gender specialist in my area! ARGH!

[/rant]

Just... disregard that last paragraph.

[Guest JayJaye]

I know I already answered this, but now that my name change is legal and I'm changing all of my stuff over, it's such a huge boost, it's unreal. Unfortunately my therapist forgot to write my letter for my driver's license, so I can't do much now without proper photo ID. Like register to vote, and the deadline is Tuesday. GRRR.

I can honestly shake people's hands and say, I'm Jay and have it be the truth and not a nickname.

Jay

[Guest J-Walker]

For my applications I'm writing my legal name, but they also offer a box for your preferred name. I'm basically peppering the whole transgender thing throughout the entire application to make up for my grade drops at certain times (A's to B-'s XD). I'm trying to make it sound the least pitiful as possible though and really make it sound like a strength story than a sob story, because it really never was one. And what UC are you applying to? I'm applying to UC schools as well and I would LOVE to get a break.

Awwww, poor Jay. Those commercials telling you to vote must really suck. XP When I introduce myself as Charlie I don't feel like it's a nickname, but just the truth. I made a deal with my friends that once we finished highschool I wanted them to "officially" recognize me as a guy and they did, so that already feels like a magical shift for me. Maybe that's why I'm not so obsessed with the legal name change.

On another note, in the state of NH you need to be undergoing some sort of physical treatment, such as surgery or hormone treatment. So I can't get it anyway until I've started my appointments at the end of October for T.

[Guest stevieboni]

a person's name is very personal. either they love the uniqueness of it or can't stand it, it is something they have for the rest of their life.

when you change it, make sure its a name that you feel extreamely comfortable with.