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Afraid...


Guest Jenny C

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Guest Jenny C

Afraid, I would say terror, that's the way I feel entering this site as a member.

Why ?

Probably because I had no choice to be afraid before and because the consequences for me to be "un-closeted" would, after more than 47 years, still be dramatic. (I might explain later... Let's say it is a question of public career... Just having to put my country in my description troubled me... If It could be taken out, I would appreciate and feel more free to open.)

But no choice, I have somehow to connect, to tell you all that I exist, that I'm real, that I had and still have challenges similar to the one we all have here. Hey, I'm here !!!!! Still trembling but Here.

And I love you all for who you are. I finally meet my friends...

Was there ever a choice, for me, No. That's what I realized finally. Never decided to want to be a girl so soon in my life, about two or three years of age, and be something else. Anyway, everyone were mistaking me for a girl at that time, and I was so proud when it happened, so proud. And then, my mother or father said, no ! it's a boy ! I already learned, then, that it was not ok to be a girl or even to think I was one. I had gifts for feeling others that are still strong, even stronger, and I've felt them being not at ease...

But considering I was so lucky in life and had great parents and Faith (for as long as I can remember I felt energy and a Presence, I've seen other beings also but this would be a long story), it seemed that it would be something that would pass. But It never did. The same suffering all along. In my dream I was a girl, waking up a boy... Everyday, discouraged... Seeing girls becoming women.. daily despair. (many of you know this story ;-)

My "great" childhood, I might present later... Let's say, the themes were similar to most... Being afraid of being discovered, not feeling at ease to be with boys, but played pretty well the game 'cause good at sports... I've even was a football running back mvp many times in my teens, great hockey player and all... I had to be certain no one would know... ;-) But at the same time I could spent all this energy that was contained in me...

Being 9, read about TS, pictures and all... My mother had hysterectomy... A lot of blue pills that she did not take and stayed in the bathroom pharmacy for years on the top shelf... Yes premarin !!! And I knew !!! Why didn't I take them. Because of my Faith... If I've been made this way, there must be a reason... And I wanted to have my own children... Which never happened (yet) !!! And I did not want my parents to be sad or hurt them... (those pills remained an obsession for so long, I was dreaming of taking them...)

I started at that age to read psychology textbook to understand... There must be an answer !!! Everything I could put my hands on about psych and TS I have read, since then... Been in therapy for so long... No answer... Simple as it is... This is it... It is what it is...

Explored the spiritual path. All religions I could. Been practicing, meditating for so long. Ok It can be explained as an identification to some part of my ego... I had known and still Feel that I am more than this body... as a man or woman...

But it is still there.

Before college, I've heard that I could have a social impact by doing very long studies... I skip the details for the above mentioned reasons... I wanted to change our society and so, I did those long studies. I do now have a social impact. And at the same time, I help so many persons as groups and individuals. But If I was discovered for who I really am... The consequence would be dramatic on this mission I have (our society being as it is). (I know there always a way to accommodate... And eventually I'll have no choice to choose myself, I imagine... In fact, I'm not sure yet... I know who I am but I'm not sure I'll ever be.)

And at the same time, whenever I stop in my overcharged life, it's there. I'm there.

Since I've been here in the past and admire this community of support, in my vacations, I could not refrain to come and visit... And I've finally made a step to join you. I am with you, we are one.

So, here I am !

Big virtual hugs and kisses to you all !

Jenny

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Guest ChloëC

Hi Jenny,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Terror? I've got to think practically all of us have experienced that at one time or another. I lurked here for awhile before I gathered up my courage and began posting. Since then, I've come 'out' to several people in person including my mother (went a lot better than I expected!). It's tough at times, but I think it's worth it. And I'm glad you're here.

Hugz

Chloë

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Hello Jenny and welcome to Laura's. We are happy to have you here.

You can be as stelth as you want here and you don't really have to display any location if you wish.

We all have gone through the terrors of these issues and I hope you find us to be supportive of your needs.

If you haven't already done so, we do ask that all new members read the terms and conditions to see how we operate here at the forums.

Mia

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Guest Jenny C

Thanks Chloë to have answered so fast !

There is so much warmth in my heart... I'm crying and all. A big step for me.

My mother knows since my twenties... Been tough for her to accept, she questioned herself so much as if she had done something wrong... She is now more in peace and accept... I also have close friends who know... You know when your too perfect at Halloween... Or because I needed to talk... But I know no one who lived it...

I am really afraid for my career for good reasons...

Blessings,

Jenny

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Guest Donna Jean

.

Hello, Jenny

Welcome to the Playground

I'm Donna Jean (a wonderful 62 year old Trans lady....lol)

I took your country flag out of your post ....if you feel more comfortable with it later, you can put it back....

Sit down and have some cookies and a hot cuppa coco with me.....ok?

Now, I'd like to ask you to be sure to have a look at the forum rules...there's a link at the bottom right of most pages...It says “Terms & Conditions..

And, we moderate this site to keep it safe for everyone..

It's good to have you here!

Huggs

Dee Jay

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Guest Jenny C

Thank you Mia and Donna Jean, I do not remembered having cried that much. It feels so good.

Thank you so much Donna, I will relax and feel more at ease now.

Many blessings,

Jenny

P.S. I've read them but I'll take the time to read them again slowly ;-)

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  • Root Admin

Hello Jenny,

Welcome to Laura's Playground. Feel free to post your thoughts. You are among friends here and we sure as heck won't judge you. :)

MaryEllen

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Guest Jenny C

Thank you Junniper, Amanda, MaryEllen, Oricleferret for you warm welcome !

I'm so touched of meeting you finally !!!

Today I had warmth in my heart... So many times... I was thinking of you all !!! Many thanks !!!

I felt, I was not alone, finally. I was alone so long !!! It is like if you were all inside me, now.

Thank you all for being there !!! Thank you so much !!!

It is like, a part of me, like it has integrated in my soul... We are one.

We are together on this journey. It is quite something !!! don't you think ?

And the same time, I went on the chat. Met nice ladies and parents. Great.

To see the love some parents have for their child moved me !

However, meeting beautiful girls, younger girls who assumed who they are and took action moved me in another sense...

Why have I waited for so long and still do ?

I'll give myself time... There must be a reason... and I'll know then... I Hope.

Big huggs to you all !!! I Love you !!!

Jenny

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  • Forum Moderator

Welcome Jenny :)

Terror, ya I relate, being a child of the 60's and 70's and dealing with this. I also recall the exhiliration of finally coming to terms with this and speaking opening about it, it can change your whole outlook on life.

Best wishes,

Cindy -

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Guest miss kindheart

Hi Jenny,

<<< hug >>>

Welcome to Laura's Playground.

Please feel free to come over and chat sometime.

The Chat room does require another registration that is separate from from your forums one.

Please read the chat room rules before coming in, and expect a short interview with one of the chat room moderators.

One of the things that they will ask you is if you read the rules. :)

We have MTF meetings-Mon & Sat 9pm est, and you are welcome to attend.

We all look forward to seeing you.

:wub: vanna

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Guest Jenny C

Thank you miss Kindheart and Cynthia Rae, (and Cynthia, I totally agree with our youth period... It has changed so much !!!)

I've been here for two days now. So much Love, so many loving persons who's heart is open... I am fiberblasted !!!

To be honest, you've all made a big difference in my life. I have the impression I finally found my family.

It is like if I am accepting who I am as I could never have expected.

It is like if something has united inside me...

I am OK. Enough fighting against myself.

I am so happy, you have no idea !!!!!!

Thank you so much for being there.

Mega big soft tender hugs to all of you.

You are all in my prayers and in my heart.

Jenny

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Guest Michellewhois

Hi Jenny! I want to welcome you to this big family of caring people on this site. I saw that you stopped by my page for a visit and read this post first. I wanted you to know that you are not alone in the feelings of being afraid to be outed in your life. It is a fear that many of us haved lived with and for some still dealing with. I hope that you will soon lean that people like Donna Jean, Cynthia Rae, MaryEllen and so many others here are fantastic people to share with. Again, WELCOME to our home on the web.

Michelle

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Guest Jenny C

Thanks Michelle,

I've been here a week now... So much Love... So happy to know you all.

It has moved me so much though... I'll make a post soon of that moved in me since I joined.

Lot's of Love to you, great heart !

Jenny

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Welcome to our loving family here at Laura's Dear One! So happy that you have found us. Yes, it is true you do not make this amazing journey alone to become the woman you were born to be. Already I can see you are discovering the joy of your womanhood. We are all here for each other. I do want to say one thing about coming out as a woman. How, when and to whom you come out to is always a personal choice. There is not a right or wrong way as long as it is your choice and your choice alone. I think I am safe in saying that no one hear judges anyone for how or when they make this choice. Everyone's situation is a bit different and the main thing is that while it takes courage one has to also be safe physically and emotionally and to be able to weigh the consequences as it affects the rest of their life.

Miss Ricka

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