A master of disguise...

[Guest Jenny C]

A master of disguise...

A little more about my life and today's state of mind. I joined 3 days ago...

All of my life I've been dressing up as a girl without anyone knowing (some exceptions of course, my sister who caught me at 16, later, said mom in the 20 (such a shock to her, she got seriously sick for some days), girlfriends to whom I did open up, etc.)

I am a master in the art of disguise.

Knew I wanted to be a girl, as said in another post, since 3.

Remember doing it thoroughly since 7-8, make-up and all. I just felt good as a lady. When not in disguise, in my head, I was one, looking in the mirror, I was seeing my woman's face... In my teen my sister was always complaining to my mother... "Mama, he is still looking to himself in the mirror" Like if it was a crime... I knew what I was looking at... They did not.

Every single day, going to bed, I would become who I really wanted to be. Little bra and all I had stolen from my sis ;-). Every morning, woke up before them all and disguised as a boy.

One day, around 9 or 10, I was alone and dressed. Looked myself in the mirror, and that thing down below got to function... First time. I was crying... What's that ? In my dream, when I was a girl, it functioned again... Was all wet in the morning. Did not understood at first. There was a kind of bounding between sexual pleasure and seeing me as a woman that was made... I felt culpability about that for so long... Like if could not identify to TS because of that... Been so mixed up for so long. Now, it is almost gone. Sometimes the pulsion is there but not as much... ouff...

Recently, one of my GG friend ask for her birthday present that I invite her at home and make her supper as me. It was a gift for me also. She said wow !!! You're so cute, everything about you is feminine. You look so happy, now I really know who you are... It is so natural for you. She said that the only thing that could give me away are my hands and shoulders... I was so proud... And that at 48... Without any HRT. And then, another GG friend brought me clothing, the next week-end that were going to the poor and she did not want anymore. I have great friends who do that for me... So many cute dresses and all ;-) I could not stop wearing them for days... so proud of being me...

But, at the same time I was getting totally depressed, having feelings of wanting to kill myself. The suffering was intolerable. I was in a kind of break for work but I had to prepare for the next week. Couldn't. Anxiety rose... Like if I needed that break. Just to be me and relax... But did not have the right to.

I also observed that being so well and having to re-disguise to get out and get some food and all, I was at each time mourning. The same mourning I did all my life.

It is like, being me, I wanted to be totally me more and more. Went on youtube, looked at all befor -after videos I could and then a lady talked about Laura's, that you've helped her a lot. And I came.

Finally did my coming out (on internet only). Felt so good and found a family, people with whom I can share and be understood.

But the more I read, to more I want to go faster... And then it hurt inside again.

And because of important career choices, I am, for the moment, stuck. I am all mixed up finally... Even more... (probably good though 'cause I'm progressing...) It is like seeing you all, I feel a pressure... I put myself that pressure...

And then I'll have to disguise again. Tonight a party of my football team... After all this time, Evidently, all these "real guys" no nothing about be. I've always been a weirdo for them... But the fastest running back they have ever known... But in those parties, I'm always with their wives... 2 years ago, one of them said I was a queer, a sissy and all. I defended myself but it hurt. And tonight, I'll be a master of disguise again. A man. I am attached to some of them who I have always been nice to me and always insist that I come... But I suffer thinking about that...

And then monday, the job again... 70 to 80 hours of work to do. "big shows " (I skip the details not to be identified) to do and prepare. Already one monday, the next tuesday...

And all that, being a man. (!!!) Sniff... Angriness... No choice to get myself together.

P.S. All I would want is to stay here with you all, never go away.

No choice to think what had me going on all my life... I am a soul, a spirit, neither man nor woman, but both. I am One. We are One. God please help me keep on with my life and give me the force to do what is right with what you have given me. I have to integrate that I'm always the female I am inside what ever the disguise I weir.

Love you all,

Jenny

[Guest Amberley_Vail]

Stay strong, Jenny!

You've come so far from the little girl who disguised herself during the day, to the woman who has to go disguised for longer. From what I can gather you've got wonderful, supportive friends, and the whole community at Laura's behind you. I can only imagine how hard it is for you to be disguised for days at a time, especially now you have a [ok, virtual] place to be yourself. But you're strong and beautiful. You'll get through it =]

Amberley xx

[Guest]

Hi Jenny,

Your story is so heart-wrenching, yet so like most of us here. It sometimes takes a lot of pain to get started. It isn't easy, and there seem to be roadblocks everywhere.

I do hope you find the path to yourself, whatever that may be. I can't recommend that you transition, though that's the road that many of us have taken. The real work of finding yourself and discovering your path should be done with a gender therapist. But, whatever that is, Laura's Playground will be here for you, and can help you with many of the questions that you may have. Welcome to Laura's Playground!

Best wishes to you...

Love, Megan

[Guest Jenny C]

Thank you so much Amberley and Megan. Right now I am crying all of my heart... sharing and receiving you're answers. I,m touched... Your reactions are so precious for me, I feel so alone. Do not hesitate to write to me, I need it so much.

Love

Jenny

[Guest SaleneAlexis]

Jenny,

You are in the right place! The support and love shown here has to me been unconditional, and for you i feel it will be the same. Just know we will give the best advice we can, what you choose to do with it is on you.

Stephanie

[Guest cynthash]

Jenny, my situation is a little different from yours, but I definitely know how you feel. In your heart, you are who you are. No one can ever take that away from you. We love you, and keep on making yourself happy! You will never regret that.

[Guest Jenny C]

Many thanks Stephanie and Cynthia for this love sharing. I'll definitively stick with you !!!

Warm hugs,

Jenny

[Guest Amberley_Vail]

The best thing Ive found about Lauras is that there is no pressure on anything but being true to yourself and your heart.

I got incredibly disheartened when my friend and landlord reacted badly at first to my coming out, and decided that I would be leaving the forum. All the members here were supportive that if I felt that was what I needed, then its what I should do, but the door would always be open.

I think this kind of applies to your situation as well. Whatever decision you come to, all of us on the forum will be here for you to support you. =]

xxx

[Guest Jenny C]

Now That I've found you. I have no intent of leaving !!! But it is true it moves a lot inside...

I might have no choice to take breaks sometimes to put back my disguise.

But you're to precious in my heart. Thanks my dear.

Hugs,

Jenny

[Guest Donna Jean]

.

Jenny.......

Your post could be a page out of my book (if I had one....)

You see how so many of our stories are similar to yours and yours to ours?

It's true that every transition is different, but we have so many commonalities!

That is why we all understand each other......

Stay with us...

Love & Huggs

Dee Jay

[Guest Jenny C]

I'm totally moved again Dee Jay... Touched.. I'm trembling and crying again.

I thought I was a "something bad" and alone for so long.

I am able to accept other as they are, whatever... But for me, it was like if something was broken in me... and I've been loved... But I think I could never see it or receive it really or refuse to keep it inside.

thank you for lending me a hand. Giving me love.

Jenny

[Guest Jenny C]

A crappy night tonight. Going better since I came back.

Went to that ex-club of football players of which I spoke in this thread...

I can not stand them anymore. I'm not like them. Their way of having fun is to be jerks and is to criticize one another finding what they suppose to be a weakness in the other and exaggerate it to show that they are intelligent. They lack of respect and drink and look at the hockey games and shout thinking that's the end of the world... What a pity !!! What in the world !!! What is that as a way of living ?

I almost started crying many times...

That's enough !!! I can not feel that aggressiveness anymore...

Jenny

P.S. by chance there was a few women and children around... What is happening to me ? I still feel that disgusting energy. I know they are human and also have their problems... I just can not stand it anymore.

[Guest]

Hi Jenny,

It's like you've been wearing a protective armor all of your life - that male disguise also shielded you from your feelings.

But, word of caution: try to hang in there for a while and give yourself time to adjust. I just remember back to my early times and noticing what a "man hater" I had become, but it was mostly disgust with myself projected onto others. Much of that smoothed out after I'd become more self-accepting.

But, I understand. Watching football has never been the same. I know there were playoffs today - don't know who was playing, let alone who won. Doesn't matter much, does it?

Love, Megan

[Guest Jenny C]

Thank you Megan for caring and being there.

It is not the persons or men that I did not like, it is the behaviors... Things that people do because they are used doing it... which get emphasized often 'cause they are drunk...

Their behaviors were, from my point of view, not respectful toward each other and toward me.

Maybe, I am too in touch with my feelings... too sensitive...

And it is not about football which I still love even though I have no time to spent for it.

It is definitively not self projection in this case... I've always been so hypersensitive and never been able to play their game... I've always been a little out of the pack. It is just that it is clear for me there is no reasons why I should impose that to myself.

But do I accept myself? That I have to work on... I agree.

Love,

Jenny

[Cyndee]

I found your story this morning Jenny, really enjoyed reading it and the wonderful responses you received. Much resonated, thought I will share a few thoughts.

Like so many others Jenny, we must put up these fronts, for me it was really survival at play. At some point I just realized how phoney I was because of it. I value my male friendships, and I have dozens of "close" male buddies that only see him, however some of them see parts of her, I can't hide, it's becoming harder to hide, I really don't want to hide in the long run, but coming out to male buddies in most cases just seems low value. For example, I felt I must defend women to them, I feel sad when I hear these male put downs of women and sexist jokes. I feel disconnected in their circles when they do this, my face does not hide it very well. My self acceptance set the stage for a huge value readjustment, things that mattered before have faded, new things that matter have evolved, it's a lovely experience. Being genuine is my gift to myself and a lesson from previous suffering. It just seems to get better and better each day even on this most difficult path, it's so liberating, I am free.

Thanks Jenny and hugs

Cindy -

[Guest Jenny C]

Thanks Cindy ;-)

I totally understand. More and more difficult to play the game.

It was weird yesterday. There were two children, two boys (6-8), sitting just beside me. Naturally, they felt my energy. They were laughing with me and got close... Away from the "other" energy just beside...

I was in front of a woman with whom I had a great exchange. I was more identifying to her, I felt has a women inside. And physically, once I got self conscious... My legs were crossed, my arms also just over my knees... A real feminine posture. I stayed liked that. What the heck !!! Who cares... Two women, a little further told me they were going to show me how to eat popsicle... 'cause the kids were having some... They enjoyed saying it but were coxed to do it by their husbands... I just laugh and looked at them tenderly in their eyes...

Another funny things, more and more, I use my feminine voice naturally. More softness into it. I feel and sometimes see others reactions, but I do not care anymore. I talked to a close GG friend on the phone, coming back... in the rythmn of her voice and the intonation, it was more rough than me... lie hum, hum... And I notice she heard my tenderness and stop talking... Funny ;-)

Anyway, for men or women, there is a large spectrum of feminine or masculine attitude. I know lot's of man or woman who are "normal" if that exist ;-) and do not questions themselves... So, why should I ?

So I am on the road to be more myself, also... How far I will go, bodily speaking or in my transformation... I do not know...

For sensibility and authenticity... it has always been my trademark ;-)

Love and hugs,

Jenny

[Guest Janice Lynn]

Jenny, thank you so much for the profound honesty of your posts here. They resonate

with the feelings I have had for a long time until, like you, I finally hit the wall and decided

that rather than play the "disguise" any longer I will no longer let anyone else determine

what "acceptable" is any longer.

Before going further I should add that, having begun transition almost 30 years ago, I

stopped due to tragedy in my wife's life .... losing both parents and having only 1 surviving

relative. I could not let her down and could not only go no further, but out of my love for

her and my commitment to the vows we took, ended my transition.

It doesn't go away ... at least not for me. I travelled a great deal in my job back then

and up to 5 years ago and had time to "express myself" in harmless ways. When the

job ended and my commute was less than a mile, the pressure built until the entire

facade collapsed.

My precious wife and I are now in what we call, after 43 years of marriage .... most of

them good years .... a kind of recovery. I wish that this had happened years ago ....

so does my wife. She never understood but, to be perfectly frank, why on earth should

we expect that a wife be prepared to fully accept that the love of her life and the partner

that she has stood beside despite all his quirks, be prepared to accept FULLY, that just

as he said decades ago, he truly is a member of her gender.

All this is to say I completely understand your repulsion at what poses to be "male

behavior." I haven't been able to be around all the stuff that goes with "being a guy" for

a long time. On Christmas evening, after a large gathering, I finally found myself sitting

in a comfortable cushioned chair while "the guys" were in the living room where the

gifts for the newest grandchild were to be unwrapped. My incredibly compassionate and

loving wife came in from the kitchen and did something she had not done since God knows

when ..... she sat down on my lap while the grandchild gifts were unwrapped. It was her

way of protecting me. It was her way of telling me it was okay that I stay with the "girls"

and let the guys do their own thing. For me it was a transfiguring moment in which I

realized that she had finally accepted me as her female companion in which I was playing

the role of husband.

By law, of course I am the husband. But what is important is that she has finally ... finally ...

finally ... accepted that I am a woman. I am a girl delighted to sit back and watch my 3rd

grandchild unwrap his gifts and absolutely treasure the boxes the gifts we shopped all over

to get for him came in.

Your story may be different because of our age difference or ... since I don't know for sure

... maybe not. But the fact is we ultimately come to that point in our disguising that we

cannot take it anymore without compromising our very souls. So we stop disguising and

decide we cannot play the game anymore. If we are guys according to our birth records

we cannot stand to be around the faux masculinity of popular culture. Going nuts over the

QB sack no longer drives us crazy nuts. And it is not that we don't care. It is that we cannot

grasp the connection between the guy on the field and the 50 lb. overweight gasbag sitting

across the bar from us.

Keep going girl! Be you and be free!

Love ya,

Jan

[Guest Jenny C]

Thank you so much Jan !!!

I'm totally moved.

What a life of Love,

ouf....

Love,

Jenny

[Guest Michellewhois]

Found your post this morning and found it so refreshing that you have opened up and allowed us to get a brief glimpse into your life. As several have said, this is the nature of this difficult game we play in life. The need to stay behind that shield of masculinity that others force us to portray. I can honestly say that after almost 57 years of hiding, I have finally found that I like who I am and don't care if others see those little quirks that mark one as either male or female. Once I learned to accept that I was a combination of both sides of the gender spectrum, others that I deal with on a daily basis no longer pay attention to my gestures, sitting/standing postures or when and how I speak.

I can't say that I have never known or met any other woman in our situation that hasn't had to deal with the "Male mentality". At one time or another we have all had someone that (either privately-behind our backs or openly-face to face or at a party, referred to us as sissies/gay/etc.. Then having to deal with the emotional state when we are defending ourselves. I can only speak for myself but when it happened the last time to me, it felt like he stabbed me in the heart because I thought he was a close friend.

It was sort of funny when I look back, how we all seem to fall into our feminine body language/speaking voices when dealing with other women (GG's). Many of us do it without even realizing that we are. I noticed that many women that I've had conversations with, stated that they felt comfortable talking to me because I seemed to fully understand their feelings and emotions. One even told me that, if she didn't know better, she thought I could be a woman disguised as a man.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I hope that one day, you too will find that happy medium in your life.

[Guest Jenny C]

Wow ! thank you so much Michelle !!!

Reading your mail had me thinking of what I have unconsciously observed when I was younger... I remember looking at other boys who had more feminine gestures and attitudes, and they were ostracized, rejected, sometime attacked saying they were sissy and all... I think that's a barrier of fear I have integrated and had me reject a great part of who I am for a long period of my life... Like if it is not ok to be feminine 'cause it's dangerous, not ok...

Another thought... Sometimes, just being touched by certain women, with whom I have similar energies, or just being in their presence, it is like if what they are inside of themselves resonate in me, I feel them. And then, I recognize who I am. And I have notice it is not all women... So I do agree on your view of a spectrum... And I think there is even more than that... A spiritual aspect related to what we are has a Soul... None and both at the same time... ;-)

Thank you for being there and sharing.

Love and hugs,

Jenny