The lady is knocking tonight.

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

I am just posting in the hopes that by typing this and later taking a shower and shaving my chest will help make Amanda settle down tonight. She is really wanting to come out. I can feel the anxiousness building in me. Is this an experience others share? I sure hope so and I sure hope I can find the point where it ends. If someone else has experienced, what did yall do to help let her know I acknowledge her and am working on letting her express herself? It has me on the verge of tears.

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Yes - typical.

When the woman in you screams out? You should understand you are you already, and that woman screaming is you being frustrated. What can you do? Lie quiet in bed. Do a body inventory. Count the femaleness in you - like groomed nails, no hair on the legs, pierced ears, earrings in... and things like that. Give 2 points for each thing. If you are above eight, good. If you are 16 plus, excellent. It's a game, but it lets you know you ARE NOT really that male anymore.

Lizzie

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Oh I forgot. DO NOT call out 'Amanda' in the third person. You are Amanda. - YOU want to come out tonight.

Lizzie

[VickySGV]

Weeellll!! Try a bubble bath where you can pile the bubbles into mounds on your upper chest, and swirl them into a high fashion hairdo and just let them hide the extra hair from nose down, and let the make your skin softer by the minute.

It is a very common feeling, and its helped by relaxing and forgetting there are those around who think you are not Amanda. Get them out of your head for a while.

Lizzie put it right on the point that you are not calling Amanda out like an exorcist does to demons. Amanda is YOU and you are not a demon, poltergeist, or whatever. You are simply letting that part of you be free from its hiding and denial. Let it go a and enjoy!!

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

I knew it was wrong to put it that way but I couldnt think of another way to put it. I was just trying to express my feelings. Though I am new enough that I havent wrapped my head around around Amanda (Jean or Marie havent decided yet) is alread the real me and not what I am trying to become.The shower and shave did help. I will have to figure out things to do that wont bother my wife. We are very early in this and at a very sensitive time. Maybe if I can get bubble bath stuff that wont smell too girly?

[Guest Ney'ite]

Lizzie and Vicky have some very good tips (especially the little scoring game . . . I have never heard that one before - very interesting!), and I especially like Lizzie's comment that Amanda is *you* - and while I am still typing, you replied, so I will reply to your own reply, Amanda. Hehehe...

Wrapping yourself around your chosen name will take time. That I am sure many will agree on here. But it *will* come eventually. At some point, you will no longer be referring to yourself interally as male, but female. Even your dreams will most likely *eventually* catch up and your subconscious will see yourself as a woman. Enjoy the ride! (Oh, and the bubble bath too *giggles*)

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

It got pretty bad lastnight. For the most part since discovering that I am truly a female inside, discovering that there is actaully reason behind it, and discovering that the way I have fealt all my life makes perfect sense, I have been on a high. Very happy and upbeat. Then last night it came crashing down. Not dangerously low, just sitting here crying my eyes out low. So since my computer wont download the java required, I pulled out my son's computer and was able to get onto chat. The first page I was sent to had chat going by so fast that I dont think anyone could really register I was needing to talk to someone but then a moderator sent me a private chat. Shamefully, I cant remember her head but she was wonderfull. Then I went into the MtF chatroom and had a wonderfull time. I want to thank all the ladies that were there and made me welcome but especially bettet. She was wonderfull. Feeling a lot better this morning. Thank you everone.

Mandy

[Guest GinaInside]

Hi Mandy,

I know those feelings all too well. For me, it begins with my nipples being sensitive, and hard, my breasts ache, then The Itch comes, followed by rather uncontrolable emotional swings. I have body dysphoria bad, and it is calmed only by accomodating it. It is still a mystery to me why it seems to be fairly calm, then builds up to such discomfort.

I have always had issues with body hair, and keeping it gone always seemed to be at least a little comforting, but often it is not enough. I have struggled with how much feminization can I get away with in my daily life without attracting unwanted attention. As long as I am making a conscious effort to accomodate it, it does seem to help a little bit. Everyone is different, and what helps one person may agitate another.

I agree with Bettet about seeing yourself in dreams as Female. I think it is positive, and always feel a little comforted when I do.

Hugz,

Gina Renee

[Guest Amberley_Vail]

Glad to hear you're doing better Mandy. Sometimes all we need is to talk =]

xxx

[Guest NatashaJade]

When I was at the worst point before starting to transition, I likened the experience to a drum beat in my head that had become so persistent and so loud that it drowned out just about everything else in my life. I had to make a conscious effort to be present in the world because the drum beat overpowered just about anything. I couldn't even watch a play I was directing without it slamming itself in and shutting down everything else around me.

And, really, nothing short of actually transitioning worked to quiet it. Of course, what it left behind was a far more severe dysphoria then I had ever known. But that's me.

I hope you can find a way to cope with this that works for you.

xoxo

[Guest Elizabeth K]

Good replies! I just wanted to ask this, you wrote. "Maybe if I can get bubble bath stuff that wont smell too girly?" Why worry?

Use the girly stuff, your wife won't mind.

Lizzy

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

I dont think she would mind now, but wasnt sure before. Lots of good things going on (the good things are talked about in another post). We will see what happnes.

She was pleading with me to not do anything outwordly till the children go to college. That is 3 years, I didnt promise her anything but I am going to try. But the outwordly isnt a complete rule either. She doesnt care if I make friends and go out with them. If I want to stop being Randy and be my true self Mandy, she doesnt care as long as I go out of the house and come back as Randy.

Baby Step's tell me I will try this.

Thanx for all the support,

Mandy

[Guest eliza.d]

well, mandy, you already know that my inner woman came crashing through and took over my whole life, most likely because i needed her to, wanted her too. she is me, my true self, and has been waiting all my life whil the rest of me tried to assimilate into a male role in society. it took 33 years, but the bullet train arrived, and i was driving it, all along.

btw, i love bubble bath. ive always bought girlie smelling soap, my wife never minded, and never noticed why i liked it so much. no irish spring for me thanks! thats the onlh manly smelling sopa i could think of offhand.

anyway, very happy for you,

Eliza

[Guest eliza.d]

forgot to mention. every dream i have ever had, where i could see, feel myself, i have always been a girl/ woman.

many times standing on the beach watching the sunset, and moon glowing overhead feeling the wind in my hair.

im from an island, so beaches are a recurring theme.

i also remember, my earliest dream about all this. i was about five or so, and in this particular dream i was in boy form, playing with my little girlfriends, they became birds, swans i later realized, and began to float above the trees, i noticed i was also floating with them. i was one of them.

well any way, you mentioned dreams.

so there are a couple of mine.

Hugs, Eliza

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

Eliza, it is other people I worry about more than my wife now about non-man smelling stuff. Not ready to be questioned so will take my time on that. The bubble bath I am planning on arranging, probably next weekend. Will have to see, we dont have the best soaking type tub.

You have such lovely dreams. My dreams werent ever so nice. In them I was always me but was supposed to be able to do something and just couldnt. Either I was supposed to be able to fly and needed to save someone and couldnt fly, or the same with running fast. The two nightmares I remember is one that I had quite often for a while where a vampire was hunting my family and I tried to get him to take me instead. He agreed but I just knew that he was lying. Other times same vampire just chased me around and I knew he was toying with me and could catch me at any time, he just didnt.

[Guest eliza.d]

very interesting sis, yeah, i thought id leave my nightmares out, and instead speak of happier or at tleast important dreams.

with you on the running from something/ someone chasing me nightmare. others id rather not mention for hope of maintaining a positive, non frightening atmosphere that can help us all.

over the years ive been very introspective and internal so i always tried to handle my issues myself. the good part is that ive accumulated quite a bit of knowledge pertaining to psychology and interpreting dreams. reading people has always been a talent of mine. but i think that ill only divulge information in an attempt to help others and when its necessary. im certainly not an ego driven girl, despite my often over the top enthusiasm and determination.

im sooo happy things are beginning to get underway for you. your patience and concern for the feelings of others is highly commendable.

hugs, sister,

Eliza

[Guest John Chiv]

Eliza,

It's okay, Irish Spring is one of my favorites and I'll take care of the manly soaps while you and Amanda and the women enjoy the girly ones.

John

[Guest eliza.d]

thanks john, the good people that actually make the stuff need their jobs too, and im glad youll pick up the slack left by us girlie- girls. irish spring actually a good soap, i just cant handle the smell, at least not on my body.

i much prefer rose, sweet pea, lavender, etc. basically anything that you find at tjmaxx, marshalls etc and smells girlie. funny thing, ive always liked that. there were obvious holes in my pretend male persona, at least for those that were looking.

john, let me know if you find a pot o gold with your irish spring, i think id start buying it just to get rich....or at least to be able to afford surgeries......even if i thow the soap out....lol! hehehe!

hugs, Eliza

[Guest John Chiv]

LOL eliza about the pot of gold, good one And yes I do want to keep the elves working and contributing. See fortune, good cause and I smell good!

John

[Guest Donna Jean]

Eliza, it is other people I worry about more than my wife now about non-man smelling stuff. Not ready to be questioned so will take my time on that. The bubble bath I am planning on arranging, probably next weekend. Will have to see, we dont have the best soaking type tub.

Smells......

Before I came out at work, but while I was one year into HRT and feminizing nicely, I wore a vanilla perfume.....

One day I walked past a couple of the guys that were talking about football...as I walked past them, they stopped talking and one said to the other...."Hey! I smell cookies!"

LOL

Dee Jay

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

Lol, I am FAR from that. On the first day of the weekend I might do something girly smelling now but that is it. I dont want any risk at work, the guys I work with arent very tolerant. IF I go far enough that I start my RLE, I will do what I have to but it will just be easier for now to not cause any waves at work. Now that the in-laws know, I am curious to see the reaction the next time I go over there. I am not frightened just curious. I also cant wait to take my wife up on some of the things she said she will do like taking me clothes shopping and helping me wax. It recently dawned on me though that I am going to have to let the hairs grow out if I am going to wax them. *Pout* But the end will be good.

[Guest ~Brenda~]

I find scent a very important part of my expression. Scent is integral to who I am. Subtle, but very feminine is what works for me. Scent is very powerful. To me, scent makes all of the difference.

Love

Brenda

[Guest Amanda Whyte]

I am not sure what you are sayin. Are you saying scent is important? Lol

I can see that but unfortunately, I just cant do that yet. siiiiiigh.

[Guest eliza.d]

brenda, i agree. i love my juicy couture eau de parfum!

the scent of a woman is important.

Hugs,

Eliza